How to I turn my life around after a break up?

elís_teacher · 02-01-2010 06:15PM #1

Hi guys. Here's my story. My ex broke up with me a couple of weeks before Christmas and I was absolutely devastated. We were together since I was 16....am now 22. He is 27. Basically for the last year or so the spark was just gone. I have put on a lot of weight over the years and I know I am just not attractive to him as I was before (this is not something he would ever say but I can just feel it). As well as this I have kind of withdrawn from the world a bit the last few years. Before I met him I went out and had fun with friends etc but then just started to do this less and less to the point where I now just have one close friend who I see about once a month (she is super busy with college and work).

There are a few issues I'm dealing with. The first is the relationship. I really want us to get back together and he has told me that there is a possibility in the future but at the moment things just were not working so we should not be together. Should I hold out and try and get my life back on track so he will want to be with me (the fun old me again

)? Or am I just building myself up for a big let down? I know I'm not ready to move on but should I try to? Will this make me more appealable to him? We are still best friends and see each other about once a week. I honestly feel like we could get back together if only I could prove to him that I have changed (or am in the process of).

Now the next bit is how to turn my life around. I want to do this and try and go back to the old me regardless of whether or not I am ever to get back with my ex. I have joined the gym, am offloading myself on a friend from college wherever possible for nights out (although think she mite get sick of this after a few weeks - she has her own frends and I feel like Im a bit of a sad tag along). Am gonna join some of the gym classes too but am not very sporty so couldnt really join a sports team. Any other classes like cooking etc I imagine people would be much older than me. Am super sceptical about the whole internet dating thing....just think I am so young to even be going down that road.

Last major issue is how to manage this friends thing. Me and my ex are still very close friends and I cant imagine it being any other way - we have just been through so much together. I have tried to sort of set some boundaries about what we are gonna do if and when one of us starts seeing someone else...he just keeps saying 'let's just see what happens'. Now granted I'm a super control freak but I wanna know what to expect. I dont want to be out with him 6 months down the line and for him to say by the way I have been seeing someone for 4 months and we are in love. What do you reckon?

Any advice appreciated,

Regards,

E

LegacyUser · 02-01-2010 06:32PM

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up - HUGS!!. It's a terrible time of year to lose your partner, but a new year can be a fresh outlook and it sounds like you're starting out with a great attitude.

One thing I would say, though, is "CHILD - WHOA THERE .... SLOW DOWN A BIT!!!!!!!!!!!" Internet dating? I mean, there's getting back on the horse and then there's torturing yourself. Give yourself time to heal. You sound like there are changes you want to make in your life - make them. Don't worry about relationships for now. Make new friends, join classes, experience new things, and above, give yourself time to heal.

I once read that you should be by yourself for three months for every year of the relationship that ended. This gives you time to figure your life out, to be happy and above all, NOT to drag old baggage into any new relationship. 18 months will sound like a LIFETIME to you, but trust me, it's such a great time to rediscover who you are - as a young woman, rather than a teenager - and to learn to be happy in and with yourself. Go on some casual dates, but remember, this is YOUR TIME!! Only then, are you really ready to go into a happy, secure relationship again.

Now, regarding your ex. If you want to stay friends, then you have to be happy for him and ALL his choices. This means that you have to be supportive if he starts a new relationship. That's what friends do. They are happy for one another. This is definitely not easy when it's your ex and you're pining for him, but you need to make the conscious decision: EITHER you're friends OR you're moping about, hanging on his coattails and waiting for him to come back to you (which, by the way is VERY unattractive, and I don't know ANYONE for whom that strategy has worked!!). It really can't be both. In terms of coming back, maybe he will, maybe he won't. But chances are, you won't be in when he rings the doorbell! Now, a fun, friendly girl who is happy and secure - man how ATTRACTIVE IS THAT??? You'll be knocking back the offers!! Now that, my dear, is a winning strategy!

Look after youself. Eat properly and exercise - it works WONDERS to get rid of sadness and nervous energy, and it's a GREAT way to work towards a brand new wardrobe for a brand new you!

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

elís_teacher · 02-01-2010 07:41PM

Thanks for advice...eek 18 months does sound like a long time...especially if he starts seeing someone in the meantime.

Agree totally with what you say but am totally lost as to HOW I should go about making new friends and turning my life around. Am working as a substitute teacher casually so am constantly in different worksplaces so dont have any prospects for making friends there. Have tried going out with other people my age I 'sort of' am friends with - more of an aquaintance but I feel like everyone my age has their own group of friends and I have nobody.

LegacyUser · 02-01-2010 09:29PM

elís_teacher wrote: »

There are a few issues I'm dealing with. The first is the relationship. I really want us to get back together and he has told me that there is a possibility in the future but at the moment things just were not working so we should not be together. Should I hold out and try and get my life back on track so he will want to be with me (the fun old me again )? Or am I just building myself up for a big let down? I know I'm not ready to move on but should I try to? Will this make me more appealable to him? We are still best friends and see each other about once a week. I honestly feel like we could get back together if only I could prove to him that I have changed (or am in the process of).

Not too sure if this is gonna work for you hun. I would be worried that you will hold out nd he will say no or it will be too late because he will have moved on. Could you talk to him about it now and get a bit of closure?

MissyN · 02-01-2010 10:50PM

First of all I'd say give yourself some time to even register whats going on around you. You must still be devastated and it sounds to me like you're still in shock. When me and my ex split it took MONTHS for me to even feel a little bit normal and that was after having no contact with him for a few months. You need some distance and some space. Try to even lessen the contact a bit more. I know you guys have been best friends for years but you need to try to get used to him not being there. I know that its so hard but it'll kill you to keep seeing him when you're not actually a couple anymore. That'll break your heart, believe me.

As for the other stuff, do all of that yes but because YOU want to do it for yourself and better yourself. Please don't bank on getting back together with him. He should really love you for who you are now regardless of a few pounds. Don't beat yourself up for putting on some weight or you'll have no confidence at all to do anything.

Don't mind the internet dating....why are you even thinking of that?? Forget that. Just work on you and you must realise that the breakup will hit you hard everyday and its gonna feel like the biggest weight on your shoulders hun but you will feel better as time goes by. But that is a few months away at least but take your time and get upset all you want to. I hate to admit it but I think I cried everyday for about 3 months. Its the worst.

PM me is you want to discuss anything further. I've been there and I feel for you x

LegacyUser · 02-01-2010 11:02PM

I agree that 18 months sounds like an age - and I don't mean you should lock yourself up, but that you need to take time for you and to figure out who you are and what you want from life and from a life partner. Now, as to HOW you do it - you renew those acquaintances - through them you will meet new people. Join a course or two. See if you can arrange a Friday night drinks with people from work or college (not sure what you do). Throw a cheesy video night for some girlfriends. Engage in witty banter with someone new in the gym. But whatever you do, do it from the perspective of "this is about me and my new life".... not from the perspective of "will this help me find a man"!!

The reason taking time for you is important is that you were in a relationship through a very formative part of your growing up time. I did the same thing - started at 16 but was 23 when we broke up - and to be honest, we have remained the best of friends.... mostly because even though I loved him very much (and still do - but as my closest friend), I was able to see that we were better off friends than lovers. Because I valued our friendship, I gritted my teeth when he started to meet other people (it sure does hurt), and had to hold my tongue a few times when some of them were completely unsuitable (!!) .... but that got easier pretty quickly, and for me, the best thing was seeing him happy. He's now married with a lovely wife and daughter, and they too are now part of my life and heart and I am lucky that his wife understands our friendship and is willing to be part of it (mostly because she knows I have absolutely no designs on him - I am very happily married myself!).

Your post asks how to turn your life around after a breakup... I think it's not so much turning your life around, but finding the path you're happy to take. Be kind to yourself. This is all new and it will take time for the immediate hurt to settle down. Don't pressure yourself into becoming an amazing new you over night - it won't be honest and it won't be sustainable. These changes happen gradually - step-by-step. First thing is to figure out who you want to be and start making small changes so that you start to lead that life - even if it's going to the gym each day, or going out at least once every weekend. Don't make your life about winning someone else - it's about you being happy.

starchild · 03-01-2010 01:30AM

hi op

sorry to hear about your break up. I would echo some of what other posters have said particuarly in giving yourself time to heal. Dont feel rushed into doing anything, let the shock dissipate first and then focus on what you want from your life.

I would say dont be to hard on yourself, so what if you changed in ways , we all do , your talking over 6 years thats a long time. What i would say is do what makes you happy and do it for yourself, so go to the gym for you not because you feel it will bring your boyfriend back.

I know you both are friends and right now you want to see him when you can. Just be wary of this as it is very very hard to get over a person when you have to be in contact with them. It makes it very difficult and at some stage in the near future you may have to make a choice on that.

I would not pay to much attention to the possibility of getting back together in the future, if it happens it happens do not fixate on this. Your boyfriend has made his choice for the moment and my way of treating this would be "i know im good enough for him and if he wants me back then he is going to have to do all the running"

The feelings of devastation will ultimately pass , for some people its quicker than for others. Without any shadow of doubt you can help this process by establishing goals, focussing on them and leaving yourself with as little time as possible to be dwelling on things.

Personally I believe that these feelings occur because we hold a lot of insecurities about ourselves that prevent us from loving ourselves first and foremost. Perhaps this is true for you, if it is then maybe work on that side of things.

keep talking to your friends, in fact keep talking to anybody who will listen as it will help. Spend a little bit of time researching hobbies/groups/causes etc etc and decide what interests you. Then look that up in your locality.

maybe book yourself a holiday for april or may or june and work towards that. Choose somewhere you have always wanted to go and treat yourself.

Its horrible going through a major change like this but the upside is you will get through it and you will be a much stronger person for it

i wish you all the best in getting through this

How to I turn my life around after a break up?

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