Child is asking to see deadbeat dad

Darksaga87 · 02-11-2009 08:26PM #1

Here goes. My girlfriend of 4 years has a child from a previous relationship, the kid is now 8.

In the first year of our realationship, things were ok with the dad, until he started complaining he had no life from looking after his kid, which he did about twice maybe 3 times a week. rarley staying the night with him.
No money has ever been handed up by him, maybe the odd few quid here and there, but not what he is ment to pay (€40 a week).
As the days and weeks rolled on, things became worse. The last straw came when we went to collect her (his daughter) and found her with his mother while he was in the pub all day and his excuse for this? "I need my social life".

That was it. He maybe would see her on her birthday or at christmas. Request's were made to help with things the kid needed, school, xmas, clothes etc.. But we got tired hearing "I have no money". Even though he gets €200 a week from the dole and live with his mother.

so now it has been a good long time since she has seen him and doesnt care much for him, from broken promises to him being 28 with no job and acting like a 12 year old. He bought himself a PS3 2 weeks before her Birthday and then didnt get her a thing. This guy is a pure spa. And I mean he is low, he will blame the world for the way he is. we want nothing to do with him.

He also has another child to another woman, a boy who is now 4, who only found out he had a dad about 2 months ago. We are also friends with this woman in the hopes a realationship can be formed with the 2 kids who never really saw each other, until we sorted it. The dad is seeing his other child, the mother is in no way happy about this, neither are we at the thoughts he wants to see his daughter and she has asked about him. He has offered €25 a week, and paying for some of xmas. Will this happen? only time will tell.

we are now in a very painfull situation. should we let this complete waster see his kids?

Thanks for taking the time to read this and i look forward to your replys.

Nevyn · 02-11-2009 08:34PM

You think he is a waster that is your conclusion the child will make up thier own mind over time and it's best they come to that conclusion themsevles.

Darksaga87 · 02-11-2009 08:41PM

And what about the damage his influence will have in that time?

Nevyn · 02-11-2009 08:43PM

What do you mean by damage?

Darksaga87 · 02-11-2009 09:10PM

The influential damage, th fact she may look up to him, or take after him.
she has had a stedy routine for the past 2 years, no dissapointments, no let downs or broken promises.

If it all starts up again.....

Cookie Jar · 02-11-2009 09:47PM

Unless the father is a danger to the child I don't see why the child is being punished by not seeing her dad.
He may not have a job or his own place or be a perfect citizen but he is still her dad.

Until the time the child is old enough to make the decision for herself I dont think she should be stopped seeing him.

Darksaga87 · 02-11-2009 09:48PM

even if he is not a positive presence in her life?

bonkey · 02-11-2009 10:05PM

Darksaga87 wrote: »

we are now in a very painfull situation. should we let this complete waster see his kids?

I'm not sure how you have any position to make that decision....why that question is a "we" and not a "she" (referring to your girlfriend).

That aside...of course he should be allowed see his kids.

Nevyn · 02-11-2009 10:19PM

You have to learn to take a step back on this, I know it's hard it will lead to hurt for you, the child and her mother your partner but as much as you want to protect them both from the possible hurt this man may bring into your home and to all your lives and you feel as the man of the family and the father figure to the child, you can't decide that it's for her own good to not see him or want contact with him.

Yes it will be stressful, yes there will be time you wish he'd just fall off the face of the planet when you see tears in her eyes and you know her heart is breaking in dissapointment but all you can do is, keep a steady course.

Keep working with her mother your partner to provide a secure, safe, supporitive loving home for her as a stable base and no matter how upset you become you will have to learn to put that aside and be there for both of them, you can't stop them from getting hurt, you can't make those hurts go away, you can hold them and hug them and let them know you are there and you care and bring as much joy as you can to all your lifes and make sure he intrudes as little as possible.

There are relatives which I don't like my kids seeing and spending time with,
I don't like the impact they can have on my kids, I do my best to let my kids know I love them and when they get up set, to be there for them and work through it and reasure them. I won't ever tell them they can not see thier relatives, but when the day comes when they don't want to I won't make them.

It's a hard situation to be in you are her Dad but you are not her bio father and if she wants to see him then she should.

We all want to protect the children we care about from the harshness of the world and people who will let them down but, life is never prefect and getting through such things is part of living and shapes a person, how it effects her as she grows you and her mother can help that process so it makes her a strong person who makes good choices.

stovelid · 02-11-2009 10:22PM

OP: if you are going to be in a long-term relationship with this woman, let her (and her child) make the decisions re: the biological father. He's her father at the end of the day and any interference from you could lead to resentment down the line.

Personally, a child that age shouldn't be kept away from her biological father even if he's a 'deadbeat' as you say. I can see how hard it must be to watch this but blood is blood.

Also if you live with her, and are taking a active role in the child's life, I'm not sure he should be hunted down for more financially than maintenance if he's not forthcoming with it.

ash23 · 02-11-2009 11:37PM

The child deserves to see her dad if that is what she wants. She may decide in time that he is a waster but that choice should be hers to make.
If you and her mother prevent her from seeing him, she will never be able to come to a conclusion about him. He will always be a mystery for her and sometimes the harsh reality is a more healthy option than a fantasy she may build in her mind.

Also, when she gets older and seeks him out, he will tell her he wanted to see her and you both prevented that from happening.
Do you really think the reasons will be good enough then? Do you really think that you can turn to her at 15 or 16 and say "he never paid any money, he bought himself a PS3 and got you nothing".
They might sound like valid reasons to you, but you are trying to protect her. To her ears they will sound shallow and selfish and she may end up resenting the two people she should be able to rely on.

jam_mac_jam · 02-11-2009 11:43PM

unless he is a danger to the child then you cannot refuse to allow the child to see their father, broken promises or not. Who decides what a positive influence is, you cant pick and choose your partents and he has a right to see the child and you have no right not to let him and neither does the mother to be honest. Unless he is going to hurt the child or poses some danger. His mother was minding her when he went to the pub, hardly a good reason to stop him seeing her, shock horror, he had somebody else minding her, that is not a good enough reason. I just see that as incredibly judgemental and harsh.

Darksaga87 · 03-11-2009 12:24AM

The money is last thing we are concerned about, we are more concerned about him coming back into thier lives then dissapearing again.

The child has said numerous times she hates him, but then again a few months later would decide to see him.

Its the little things that get me about this guy, his daughter actually called me dad in front of him, he thought of it as funny. Now i know, if my child called another man daddy, i would be breaking down in tears.

Also the fact, he knows where we live and work, has our phone numbers, and never tried once to see her.

Im all for him being in her life, but as an actaull father.

Nevyn · 03-11-2009 12:33AM

You can't make another adult act or behave in a manner you think they should.
He clearly doesn't want to be her father in a active manner which involves the daily duties and responsiblities and tbh she doens't need him to do that as you seem to be in that role,
one which from your concern you seem to be aware of how important it is for a young girl to have a good male role model in her life who is consitent, respectful, caring to her and her Mam as that will be the example she will used to measure her own relationships against as she gets older.

The more people in a child's life which they love and are love by the better.

You seems to have a some anger and resentment born out of frustation about the situation and how you can't stop this 'unworthy person' from intruding in your life after you have taken on the roles and responsiblities he didn't want.

It may be a good idea for you to have a think about talking to someone about that.
Be it a counsellor or a step dad's support group, your not the only one who's had to deal with this type of unconventional family.

Klingon Hamlet · 03-11-2009 12:43AM

You have to step back and let the little one decide for herself. It'll be very difficult, no doubt you love her he's clearly a complete d1ckhead but if you interfere then it could damage your relationship with her.

metrovelvet · 03-11-2009 09:36AM

I think she probably should see him but if he screws her around by not showing up and letting her down then he should go on his merry way.

The Corinthian · 03-11-2009 10:17AM

Darksaga87 wrote: »

Im all for him being in her life, but as an actaull father.

You're not her father though and she knows this. Even if she didn't, she eventually would figure it out as kids grow up and they eventually piece together the pieces of what happened, independent of any individual version of events, and come to their own conclusions.

To block access to a parent (even independent of their rights) is a serious step to take. Ultimately you will have to answer to an adult - the child - when it grows up. If that adult child judges that you either actively forbed access or even did so indirectly (by placing impossible conditions, for example), then you will need a really good reason for why you did this and if they judge that reason to be insufficient, then you will suffer the blame, even if the absent parent is the worst individual on the planet.

Single parenting means that the situation will not be ideal. One parent will always be away for much of the time. Relations between the parents can be so belligerent that any attempt at co-parenting can fail before it begins. Or either (or both) parents can be selfish and irresponsible.

Inevitably, in a situation that is not ideal, there will be damage. Allow access to an inconsistent, irresponsible deadbeat and there will be damage. Deny it and there will be damage too. The whole thing becomes a bit of a Hobson's choice.

However, in all but the most extreme cases, I would feel that denial is the worse of the two options. There is nothing to say that as this guy grows older, he won't improve as a father (although from your description, I'd have my doubts) and that their relationship will eventually find a positive balance. And if not, she will be able to make up her own mind and not feel that she was denied her father by others.

joeduggan · 03-11-2009 10:24AM

i think you are right about him being a waster. i cant bear people that feel sorry for themselves. everyone elses fault that they havent a job etc. but i still think the girl should be allowed see her dad.

laura. · 03-11-2009 12:24PM

bonkey wrote: »

I'm not sure how you have any position to make that decision....why that question is a "we" and not a "she" (referring to your girlfriend).

That aside...of course he should be allowed see his kids.

Eh excuse me this man has been a positive influence in this childs life, and i think he should be referred to as 'we'. This man has been in the child's life when her 'father' let her down and broke his promises to her more than likely breakin the little girls heart and makin her feel like it was her little fault,he has sat by with his girlfriend and both having to make up a story to tell the child so as not to make her feel bad, so this man has every damn right to refer to this as 'we'.....it takes more than sperm to make someone a father OK

jam_mac_jam · 03-11-2009 06:27PM

Darksaga87 wrote: »

The money is last thing we are concerned about, we are more concerned about him coming back into thier lives then dissapearing again.

The child has said numerous times she hates him, but then again a few months later would decide to see him.

Its the little things that get me about this guy, his daughter actually called me dad in front of him, he thought of it as funny. Now i know, if my child called another man daddy, i would be breaking down in tears.

Also the fact, he knows where we live and work, has our phone numbers, and never tried once to see her.

Im all for him being in her life, but as an actaull father.

ah ok, I am sorry then, if she is saying that she hates him and hasnt come to see her then I can much more see your point.

Deliverance · 04-11-2009 12:59AM

Any child should never be denied access to their bio parent at any age. For any person to do this would only cause resentment towards the persons denying the access. A bio parent is an essential part of any childs life for good or bad.

In my experience it gives a kind of closure over time about who the parent is (how bad or good they are, could be, etc).

To know nothing about the said parent is worse than knowing nothing to be honest. The child has a right to get to know the father, and the father should be allowed to get to know the child. Maybe in this process the bio father will eventually cop on and take responsibility by this contact i.e. bonding experience over time. Hopefully.

Knowing nothing for a child leaves a void and to many questions, and this is the most unfair thing ever to happen to any child.

I think the bottom line is the childs needs. If the bio dad is a total and utter waster then in time then at least the child will grow to see this. Then at least then they can see this for themselves over time as they grow up and realise things.

The only person that will regret this over time is the potential waster father in the first place through his immaturity etc. He will regret his actions one day, but not any time soon by the sounds of it. Best of luck OP.

metrovelvet · 04-11-2009 08:44AM

I agree with Deliverance here.

But I would add this. I as a custodial parent would rather cause resentment towards myself then long term psychological towards the child by exposure to someone who really doesnt give a damn about the child.

spurious · 04-11-2009 08:58AM

The child will work it out herself what he's like. Hopefully her paternal grandmother will be another positive person in her life.

metrovelvet · 04-11-2009 09:08AM

spurious wrote: »

The child will work it out herself what he's like. Hopefully her paternal grandmother will be another positive person in her life.

Maybe she will. Or maybe too much damage will be done before she has the chance too.

I dont think there is a good or satisfactory answer to these conundrums. Its a damned if you do and damned if you dont, so do or dont with minumum collateral damage to the child.

trustno1 · 04-11-2009 09:10AM

As a single parent who has gone down this road I would personally not let the child see her father - or if she is insistant, only once every two months at best. In my case my son was to the point that he nearly needed councilling to get him over how upset, distraught and totally let down he was when his father would promise him that he would be up to see him and time and time again he was let down. When you constantly have to tell your child 'sorry - daddy can't make it today' and seeing their face crumple I don't know how it can be classed as healthy. Its just not. It sounds as if she has a nice reliable group of people around her at the moment which is what a child needs, she certainly does not need to be hanging around with her 'waster' father who is only going to keep upsetting her.

Child is asking to see deadbeat dad

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