Lapdancing - what goes on?

LegacyUser · 22-07-2009 12:36PM #1

My bf and i have been together about a year. We have a very open, healthy relationship, good communication and all that. A mate of his is having a stag do in Amsterdam and my BF asked me if I'd be OK with him going to lapdancing clubs as obviously its part of the plans. I don't want to say no, and I don't really mind but im a bit naive about what actually happens. I gather that the lapdancer sits in the guy's lap and rubs off his erection, what else usually happens? the bf said he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with but im not sure what the options are! what does a private dance entail? ive heard different things from different people. Am I mad for being OK with this at all?

LegacyUser · 22-07-2009 01:09PM

In Amsterdam it's anything you want as long as you pay.
Private dance is them rubbing bum up against you, stick breasts in your face, so let you touch but might ask for more cash.

shellyboo · 22-07-2009 01:22PM

Unregistered wrote: »

My bf and i have been together about a year. We have a very open, healthy relationship, good communication and all that. A mate of his is having a stag do in Amsterdam and my BF asked me if I'd be OK with him going to lapdancing clubs as obviously its part of the plans. I don't want to say no, and I don't really mind but im a bit naive about what actually happens. I gather that the lapdancer sits in the guy's lap and rubs off his erection, what else usually happens? the bf said he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with but im not sure what the options are! what does a private dance entail? ive heard different things from different people. Am I mad for being OK with this at all?

Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about your bloke - he's savvy enough to realise he needs to clear it with you, he's not going to be doing anything that would upset you while he's over there.

You're absolutely not mad for being ok with it - you're just a great gf

Trust your gut, and more importantly have faith in him and in your relationship. The less you make of it the better.

LegacyUser · 22-07-2009 02:48PM

I could tell you stories about Amsterdam, but you probably would not believe me.

I think set some rules. Find out what will be happening over there, etc and let him konw what you are and not ok with.

LegacyUser · 22-07-2009 03:26PM

let him go
you either trust him or dont
he doesnt need rules set down by you, he should be able to decide for himself - otherwise whats the point.

personally as a bloke - i find these places weird, not really into them
its all male bravado - i just find it fake and generally cr*p

plus I've little interest in women that have little interest in me and just what i pay them.

Dudess · 22-07-2009 08:57PM

I don't think you've a right to "not allow" him, so really, it's up to him. Sure, it's sleazy... but it's also just escapism and fantasy with an anonymous woman only interested in making money, and whom he will more than likely never see again - and it's not akin to cheating. It's great that he's run it by you in the first place - concentrate on that.

simu · 22-07-2009 10:10PM

Why don't you want to say no? Are you afraid of annoying him or that he will think you're an old biddy? I would get majorly pissed off if a guy I was going out with had such close contact with another woman and I don't see anything unreasonable about that.

Find out exactly what is involved and if you feel anyway uncomfortable about it, I think it's perfectly fine to say no. There's a trend in the media of pretending it's all harmless fun but is it really?

Astrogeek · 22-07-2009 10:21PM

I think it is all just harmless fun. I imagine it's like live soft porn, like nuts but they move haha. I also imagine what happens in those places varies from place to place. You sound like you are ok with him watching girls dance/strip? Or even rubbing against him? What about him touching them? Or taking shots off them (No idea if that actually happens but saw it on tv once lol)
Just figure out where your line is, and talk to him. Good of him to talk to you before he went haha save an hassle afterwards, just be certain that you are ok with him doing whatever you say you are ok with him doing!

Dudess · 22-07-2009 10:30PM

simu wrote: »

Why don't you want to say no? Are you afraid of annoying him or that he will think you're an old biddy? I would get majorly pissed off if a guy I was going out with had such close contact with another woman and I don't see anything unreasonable about that.

Find out exactly what is involved and if you feel anyway uncomfortable about it, I think it's perfectly fine to say no. There's a trend in the media of pretending it's all harmless fun but is it really?

I wouldn't be crazy about it myself - it's seedy, sleazy and creepy and feck knows what crap lives some of those girls have (the fact it's Amsterdam where sex workers have more rights than most people doesn't mean they're exempt from horrendous difficulties in life such as addiction and sexual abuse) and while it's not sexually intimate... it kinda is too in a strictly physical sense. But where I'm coming from is: saying no... well I don't think that would be much use. In order to prevent him going to the strip club, he'd have to forego the entire stag, which I think would be an unreasonable expectation. Ok, he could say he'll just go on the stag and stay in the hotel when the lads head to the strip club... but with drink, things don't work out as seamlessly as that.
Therefore, best to look at it as something which isn't a major threat to their relationship - and I don't think it is.

Attol · 22-07-2009 10:31PM

I totally agree with Simu. It's like people are afraid to draw a line somewhere in case they're seen as being a prude or something.

Have a think about it and figure out where you draw the line. If, for example, you're not comfortable with a girl grinding off him and he finds this to be unreasonable ask him if he'd be comfortable with you grinding off some random guy/some random guy rubbing himself off you.

Bloody Nipples · 22-07-2009 10:36PM

Generally on stag nights it's just the groom to be who gets the dance. That way the others can laugh at him.

RedorDead · 22-07-2009 10:48PM

Maybe go to a lap dancing joint in Ireland with him before he goes to see what its all about? Only way you will know for sure?

Dudess · 22-07-2009 10:49PM

Probably too tame in comparison. Girls just take their tops off in lapdancing clubs here, presume they get completely naked in the 'Dam.

LegacyUser · 22-07-2009 10:49PM

The thing is, why would the boyfriend need the OP to draw the line? He is in the relationship too, where do his own boundaries lie?

Since he brought up the topic, I think he should be man enough to spell out what he intends doing and what he thinks is ok. Then they will both have an opportunity to see if they are on the same page. But I don't see why she should be the one to hand out a free pass - he's the one who's thinking of doing "something".

Rb · 22-07-2009 11:20PM

I have to laugh at the women who think they can set boundaries for their men, they're going to do what they're going to do, regardless of what you say.

With that being said, although I haven't been to Amsterdam, the thought of the sex industry there makes me gag. Dudess hit the nail on the head really.

Just tell him you'd prefer if he didn't participate in the lapdances and ensure he knows it's not because you don't trust him. Stag and hen dos are so...ugh.

LegacyUser · 23-07-2009 12:36AM

I don't think there really are "lap dancing" clubs in Amsterdam like the American style lap dancing we get in Ireland.
There's really three options
1) Live strip/sex show
2) Prostitutes
3) Video cabin to watch private porn

I imagine he's referring to a live strip/sex show. They don't do private dances, though they do pull a "victim" from the crowd.

I was at one of these shows once. AFAIR first a girl strips. Then another girl strips and does things with a banana. She might try to drag a guy from the audience on stage. Then another girl strips and drags a guy on stage and handcuffs him while she plays with his lad.
Then a couple come on and she sucks him off for a while before they have sex.

They don't do "private dances" at these shows. If you want anything more, you go to a prostitute across the road.

So, chances are he'll sit in the back row and just watch a live strip/porn show. Up to you what you think of that.

corcaigh07 · 23-07-2009 02:19AM

just once he doesnt ride a prostitute, you should be cool with it. amsterdam is a laugh and escapism and judging by your BF's consideration already, he might find the lapdances and sex shows enjoyable but not half as attractive as your relationship together.

useful_contacts · 23-07-2009 02:34AM

funny i have a thread in PI about this except its about my mates giving out that im letting my fella go to strip clubs

Ive had friends go there- and you cant touch the gal as they are behind glass- and if you pay extra therea a bit of glass where you can reach in and touch them, but i hear theres always someone else behind a curtin making sure things dont go too far

Its up to you what your comfortable with though

Rb · 23-07-2009 08:40AM

corcaigh07 wrote: »

just once he doesnt ride a prostitute, you should be cool with it. amsterdam is a laugh and escapism and judging by your BF's consideration already, he might find the lapdances and sex shows enjoyable but not half as attractive as your relationship together.

Would you be comfortable for some lad in a thong to grind his crotch up and down your girlfriend/wife/boyfriends face as a form of "entertainment"?

I know I wouldn't, so can understand why women aren't comfortable with the thought of men getting lapdances. He may "enjoy" the lapdances, but that doesn't mean she has to be comfortable with it.

finbarrk · 23-07-2009 12:12PM

If a lapdancing place is all he is going to go to, then I wouldn't be too worried if I was you.
They are hardly going to pass the live sex show door and not go in either.
Then there is the women in the windows which everybody says they don't bother with, but someone must!

Lapdancing - what goes on?

Comments