Parents letting their kids drink?

LegacyUser · 31-05-2009 02:28PM #1

This isn't really so much of a PI, moreso than I am realy annoyed and want to know if I am justified in being as angry as I am.

Background story: I'm the oldest of 4 kids, I'm 19 and the others are 16, 13 and 8. I was never given permission to drink (although I did it a few times anyway, never anything extreme) until the day I got my Leaving Cert results and even after that, I wasn't permitted to drink in front of my parents until the June Bank Holiday last year. I turned 18 at the beginning of August last year so I was 17 the entire time that I wasn't allowed drink in front of my parents. Even now, if I have more than two drinks in front of my Mam she tells me that she thinks I've "had enough" and that maybe I should switch to soft drinks. Basically she's not comfortable with me drinking in the house. My parents can be very narrowminded and are usually quite set in their ways.

Now, it's a year since the first time my parents allowed me to drink in front of them and there's a bottle of rosé in the fridge. None of us, and none of my aunties or uncles who are coming over today drink rosé (Mainly beer and rum drinkers among the lot) so I asked Mam who it was for. She said that it was for my 16 year old sister. Mam has allowed said sister, call her Anna, to drink since Easter, she's bought drink for her fon numerous occasions, for parties and just for drinking in fields and bought her a load of drink for her graduation party. Anna is doing her Leaving Cert on Wednesday. That's not my problem, she'll do her own thing. Now I said to Mam how unreasonable and how unfair that it was that I had to fight so hard to be allowed to drink and Mam, to this day, has never bought me drink, so why is a SIXTEEN year old being bought drink and allowed to drink it in front of my parents?

I just feel so hard done by that I had to wait so long out of respect to my parents, and my mam is buying a sixteen year old drink nearly every weekend since easter, which she doesnt always drink at parties, she drinks it out in fields as well. Am I justified in being so annoyed? Maybe I'm not, Mam said that I have to "Get over it, times change", but I really don't think it's fair that I had to basically battle my parents to be allowed to drink and even now I'm still basically not allowed to enjoy myself and have a drink in front of them comfortably, whilst they are perfectly happy to buy a 16 year old a bottle of vodka for her friday night session in the back fields...

gowayouttadat · 31-05-2009 05:00PM

Tbh I think you're being harsh on your folks. Parents are learning on the job. It's not like they have all the answers. You were the oldest, as was I, and obviously your parents had absolutely no experience of how to handle the drink situation when you hit your teenage years. Now they're more experienced, they've seen how you've handled it, and they may have changed their mindset slightly on the issue.
I think you have to give them credit for being willing to accept that they were probably too harsh on you in relation to drink. I think a lot of the time you'll find that parents are harsher on the eldest as it's their first time dealing with a lot of situations.
As for allowing your sister to drink, I know that some times parents will agree with buy their child drink and allow them to drink in their house to stop them from drinking behind their backs. They feel they have more control on the situation if they buy the drink themselves and are present when it's being drank.

wylo · 31-05-2009 05:03PM

yep my oldest brother had the same treatment with everything, it doesnt bother him now that hes in his 30s , he just takes the piss out of my parents now for being hard done by,

at the end of the day , the eldest gets the short end of the stick in many ways, thats life and its tough luck!!

Beruthiel · 31-05-2009 05:11PM

Life is not always fair OP.
Remember, your parents did not get a manual when you were born.
You taught them how to be parents.
With you everything was always shiney and new. A huge, big learning curve.
With your first child you tend to be more careful. But the time 2, 3 and 4 come along, they are old hands and let a lot of stuff slide with the younger ones.
I'm the eldest of four girls. My youngest sister is 10 years younger and got away with murder compared to me.
That's just the way it is. If you ever have kids, it will be the same for you.
After all, you and your parents are human. We adapt and change as we go along.

Boston · 31-05-2009 05:18PM

Not what I'd call narrowminded, its sensible. Is it possible your parents are buying your sister alcohol in an attempt to control how much she consumes and with whom? Don't assume they are happy about the situation, maybe they recognise they cannot trust her as much as they trusted you?

There are many opportunities you'll regret not taking in life, but I doubt drinking in a field at 16 will be one of them. In years to come the self discipline your parents have taught you will stand to you and what seemed fair way back when, wont matter.

Faith · 31-05-2009 05:36PM

Boston wrote: »

Don't assume they are happy about the situation, maybe they recognise they cannot trust her as much as they trusted you?

I think Boston made a good point here. You said you rarely drank anyway before you were allowed, which they probably knew. Thus, they could trust you not to go crazy, whereas Anna may have started drinking long before your parents started to buy it for her. I saw it a lot with some of my friends in school, their parents decided the best option was supplying the alcohol themselves as they could control it. Incidentally, rosé wine tends to have a lower alcohol content than red or white, which may be why they chose it.

If it's any help, I'm 22 and was having a glass of wine the other night at home, and my dad looked at me and exclaimed "Is that wine?". I just smiled at him. You're 19, you can legally drink, feck trying to please your parents by only drinking when and what they tell you.

Risteard · 31-05-2009 05:44PM

I'm also the eldest and have one younger brother.
I started to drink when I was 17. First it was with my friends, I never went mad maybe a can or two. Then I started going to the pub with my dad after rugby matches or to watch some of the bigger ones and he'd buy me pints but again I'd never go overboard and always took my time.

My Mam said she didn't want me drinking in the house because she said drinking is only something you should do if you're socialising with people. I'm inclined to agree with her on this point, I don't see the point of drinking at home unless it's a party or something.

I'm 18 now and still get told before I go out to 'take it easy' which I do anyway so it kinf of annoys me when she says that but I know it's only becasue she doesn't want anything to happen to me.

EDIT: I do think it has something to do with being the eldest. I find that my brother gets away with a lot that I wouldn't have. Nothing extremely bad just with regards to giving cheek and the like.

LegacyUser · 31-05-2009 06:46PM

OP here,

just wanted to say thank you for all responses, you have all been very helpful. I suppose maybe it is just a case of hard luck and one of the downsides of being the oldest. I guess I just feel sorry for myself and feel hard done by.

Thanks again for all advice

Overheal · 31-05-2009 07:38PM

First born get it the hardest. And from a non familial point of view he who takes it to court first, also gets it the hardest, and any time after that people in similar debacles get to enjoy the fruits of the hard labors of court cases X Y and Z. Its how things work, simply put. Being the first to do anything is a bit of a bitch.

Rb · 31-05-2009 10:17PM

Faith wrote: »

You're 19, you can legally drink, feck trying to please your parents by only drinking when and what they tell you.

If he/she is living under their roof, they can follow their parents rules or get out.

They're 19, they can legally go rent somewhere, feck the rent free lifestyle they're (presumably) living if they want to "have their own life".

tommyboy2222 · 01-06-2009 01:29AM

the eldest gets the short end of the stick in many ways

Very true. Parents are tougher on the eldest because its their first time.

I'd nick that bottle in the fridge tho!!!

aoibhebree · 01-06-2009 08:53PM

To be honest I don't really see why you're so bothered ... you're a bit older now, does it really matter to you that much how your younger siblings are treated compared to the way you were? I mean it's not going to have any effect on your life now, and at least it means your parents can't really have any problem with you drinking in front of them anymore!

Naturally parents will be more protective of the eldest. They probably saw that, with you, when you started drinking it didn't actually kill you or anything, so they could afford to be a bit less strict with your sister.

I just don't see what's to be gained by you making a big deal out of this with your parents, you can't change the past, and even if they were to be stricter with your sister it's not going to make any difference to your life!

_sparkie_ · 01-06-2009 09:26PM

its not that its unfair to you its that they are so irresponsible. who in their right mind would give kids drink? never mind their own kids. it seems to be the norm in ireland that 14 year olds and up can drink but it does so much damage to a young body. you should tell your parents they are damaging your sisters by being so 'nice'.

i am the oldest in my family too and i have never been allowed to drink, but i can see myself in a similar situation as you in a few months.

Resi12 · 01-06-2009 09:41PM

You were drinking at 17? What's the difference?

It just sounds like your jealous she get's to drink in front of your parent's and you didn't.

Dravokivich · 01-06-2009 11:32PM

angry.angry wrote: »

This isn't really so much of a PI, moreso than I am realy annoyed and want to know if I am justified in being as angry as I am.

Background story: I'm the oldest of 4 kids, I'm 19 and the others are 16, 13 and 8. I was never given permission to drink (although I did it a few times anyway, never anything extreme) until the day I got my Leaving Cert results and even after that, I wasn't permitted to drink in front of my parents until the June Bank Holiday last year. I turned 18 at the beginning of August last year so I was 17 the entire time that I wasn't allowed drink in front of my parents. Even now, if I have more than two drinks in front of my Mam she tells me that she thinks I've "had enough" and that maybe I should switch to soft drinks. Basically she's not comfortable with me drinking in the house. My parents can be very narrowminded and are usually quite set in their ways.

Now, it's a year since the first time my parents allowed me to drink in front of them and there's a bottle of rosé in the fridge. None of us, and none of my aunties or uncles who are coming over today drink rosé (Mainly beer and rum drinkers among the lot) so I asked Mam who it was for. She said that it was for my 16 year old sister. Mam has allowed said sister, call her Anna, to drink since Easter, she's bought drink for her fon numerous occasions, for parties and just for drinking in fields and bought her a load of drink for her graduation party. Anna is doing her Leaving Cert on Wednesday. That's not my problem, she'll do her own thing. Now I said to Mam how unreasonable and how unfair that it was that I had to fight so hard to be allowed to drink and Mam, to this day, has never bought me drink, so why is a SIXTEEN year old being bought drink and allowed to drink it in front of my parents?

I just feel so hard done by that I had to wait so long out of respect to my parents, and my mam is buying a sixteen year old drink nearly every weekend since easter, which she doesnt always drink at parties, she drinks it out in fields as well. Am I justified in being so annoyed? Maybe I'm not, Mam said that I have to "Get over it, times change", but I really don't think it's fair that I had to basically battle my parents to be allowed to drink and even now I'm still basically not allowed to enjoy myself and have a drink in front of them comfortably, whilst they are perfectly happy to buy a 16 year old a bottle of vodka for her friday night session in the back fields...

angry.angry... lets be friends for the entirety of the is post.. throught out it you may come to understand my position...

i didnt have it as easy as your 16 yr old sister...

in fact my parents put alot of trust in me to act as responsible as i could when i was left in the house alone while the rest of'em younger bro's and sisters where away for weekends... and such...

first time that happend.. i actually did nothing.. not a dam thing..

every single time after i got drunk as hell... 15.. alone ayt home for the entire weekend... that was good enough for me and a few friends to hace a fare few drinks, and they acepted the possibility of that happening as lon as they didnt know and there was no trouble.

trust me, i was scared ****less of my dad and made sure there was no fúcking trouble.

there's been issues with my younger sister when she was 17 that split the home big time... there's still a sense of pain about it... that was 5 years ago...

with my brother that just went 18, they don't mind his mates who are 16 / 17 drinking at thier house (i've moved out)

this is as much a shock to me as their attitude is to your sister. and i've challenged it by advising towards my sister that she could half the equivalent of 2 shots of J.D to iron a shirt for me while we were going out for my brothers 18th. (she was 15 at the time)

not an eyelid was battered. my mother knows of this and has never challenged me on it.

the issue here...

is responsiblity...

if there's trust that you wont be an idiot and fúck up... then there's no problem, nothing to brag about. it is in itself nothing to brag about!

as you've said yourself you've done it behind their back, dont try to say you didn't its up in the qoute. you're just jealous you couldn't do it with them, before the time was "acceptable," don't get lost in that.

Be responsible enough to know, if your sister can do it without losing her ownself and leading to something she would regret, that there should be no problem.

unfortunately, my sister was too caught up in keeping to the crowd around her, and was too much for the folks to put it down to as drinking responsibly with her peers...

do me a favour as a mate for this 1 post. watch out for your sister. try to guide her away from losing it, going for peer presure, drink sould be and only to be merry, there's nothing more to it, if there is your doing it wrong.

your mate for now, unless we randomly meet up unknowingly and enjoy each others company,

- Drav

Parents letting their kids drink?

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