We don't get on with each other's friends

LegacyUser · 18-05-2009 12:41PM #1

Hi,

I've been going out with a girl for a little over three years, everything's going great and we hardly ever argue except on one point, our friends. Basically, neither of us gets on that well with our other half's friends.

My friends would be of the very nerdy and arty type etc and wouldn't necessarily have great social skills (much like myself), while her friends are into going out to Coppers, sitting in for a night watching a romantic comedy-type film, bitching about work colleagues and so on. Which is fine, I have no problem with it, as long as she's happy then I'm happy and that's all that matters to me.

It's not that I don't necessarily get on with her friends, but I just wouldn't have anything to talk to them about. For example a few weeks ago she had two friends over for the night. I came home, made some idle small talk with them (no problems there), made myself dinner & ate with them. I sat down to read a book in the living room while they were watching tv and after half an hour or so decided I'd just prefer to be on my own so I moved to our bedroom, where I stayed for the rest of the night. That's fine with me, I made an appearance, talked for a bit and disappeared for the night to read. My gf said I ignored them for the night, didn't talk to them while I was in the room and was being extremely rude by reading a book while they were watching tv? She said I wasn't getting involved in their conversation but they were talking about things I had no interest in, is this a bad thing? She started a big argument with me over this.

When she's with my friends the odd time she says she feels isolated because nobody talks to her and they keep talking about things she doesn't know about - then why go out?! I don't understand it! We meet up to talk about things we want to talk about, whatever that may be. If you're bored and around people who you don't know what they're talking about, then why would you want to go out? She does this all the time, she insists on going out with my friends and gets pissed off when they start talking about things she has no interest in.

It doesn't bother me that her friends are totally different from mine, I love her and I'm not in it for her friends, but she doesn't see that. We had a huge fight about this last night, where she wants me to spend the weekend with her friends in November, which is fine, only it's an incredibly important weekend for me that I've committed myself to 100% every November for the last four years (it's a work event I help organise, I put a lot of time and dedication into it for free), so I made it clear I wouldn't be around. She knows it's an important weekend, but to me it feels like she's belittling my work by throwing a fit when I told her I can't be around to entertain her friends.

Am I right? Wrong? I don't know what to do! She wants me to get on with her friends and wants to get on with my friends, but I don't see it happening. But I don't care, I want her and that's that, but she doesn't see it that way. Any advice?

Sorry for the length!

tolteq · 18-05-2009 01:08PM

I think she sound like a right handful. She seems to complain a lot.

You should make those points to her that you mentioned in your post.

like why should your friends change themselves just to suit her. and then you have to change your habits to suit her friends. ludicrous. another fine example of a spoiled br*t

LegacyUser · 18-05-2009 01:40PM

that's a bit harsh tolteq, and I think you've missed teh issue...

he's not even making an effort with her friends, whilst she clearly is with his.....it's extremely rude to leave teh room to read ur book, it clearly tells her friends you don't like them, and that she doesn't matter enough to you to make that effort....regardless of whether you think they're brainless idiots, if it's only once in a while that they're over etc, would it kill you to take a night and try and get involved? have you tried talking about what interests you with them? I'm sure if you really tried, you'd find common ground....

no one says you should hang out all the time, but your friends say a lot about who you are, and if you dont like each others group...signals future compatability problems/rows about friends in teh future.

as for the weekend away, did she know about your plans to organise the work thing in advance or did you go along with things, then spring it on her last minute? If everything is as you say, she's over reacting and using it as an excuse to attack you....you need to tell her you wont put up with it, but will talk about the issue if it's bothering you in a calmer, more reasonble way...perhaps you could compromise and change dates??

sounds like you might have to keep away from each others friends to avoid fighting over it...but realise that it's a big deal...your friends are a large part of each others lives, and it obviously bothers her that she can't share that with you, both of you will have to divide ur time between oh/friends creating a divide, and possibly future battles between commitments to ur oh/friends clashing..perhaps she's concerned that if you see her friends in that light, you'll eventually see her that way too??

try and make more effort to get on with them, nobody wants to have to start seeing less of their friends over their OH, and it can be an issue to your friends too if you have to see them less as you have to split your time....otherwise, accept it, and talk to her, explain you don't want to spend time with her friends unless you have to, and agree to stop arguing over it.....friends can often be the reason for a split, so be careful

Lollipops23 · 18-05-2009 02:51PM

it's not so much as not getting on with eachother's mates as her wanting you to be someone you're not when you're around them. not on,imo.

i reckon you did nothing wrong the other night; you're entitled to read your book in your own house, personally i wouldn't find that rude at all. as for her not being interested in your mates conversations, SO WHAT?it's not all about her; if i had a penny for every time i've had to listen to a boring beyond belief conversation between my OH and his mates about football/music scene/X Box crap.....god i'd be loaded.
but i don't throw a hissy fit because it's rude and immature. I either start a conversation about something I'm interested in with someone else or I go to my happy place.:D

LegacyUser · 18-05-2009 03:26PM

OP here,

Thanks for the replies, I do really appreciate them!

as for the weekend away, did she know about your plans to organise the work thing in advance or did you go along with things, then spring it on her last minute? If everything is as you say, she's over reacting and using it as an excuse to attack you....you need to tell her you wont put up with it, but will talk about the issue if it's bothering you in a calmer, more reasonble way...perhaps you could compromise and change dates??

I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's more of an event I help organise in my spare time that gets the guts of a thousand visitors, so changing dates isn't an option

I've been involved in it for a few years and she's well aware of it, it's on the same time every year, she knew those were my plans and I'm absolutely not changing them, and she got really upset at that. I don't know what to do, to me it seems she's being disrespectful of something I put a lot of care and pride into, but then she makes me feel selfish when I tell her I'm not going to throw away half the weekend helping to look after her friends?

it's not so much as not getting on with eachother's mates as her wanting you to be someone you're not when you're around them. not on,imo.

That makes sense to me alright, but how do I explain that to her?

he's not even making an effort with her friends, whilst she clearly is with his

It doesn't feel to me that she's making an effort, more she's coming along and expecting people to talk to her about things she's interested. That doesn't seem fair to me but then I feel selfish again for not trying harder to bring her into conversations (ones she has no interest in?! I don't know...). I don't get it.

try and make more effort to get on with them

I am trying harder the last few months alright

It's difficult when they're talking about things I have no interest in (which as I said, doesn't bother me) and I know they probably won't be interested in anything I'd have to say, frankly. I don't think me trying harder is making a difference to her perception of me and her friends.

The more I think about this the more confused/upset I get.

Thanks again for all the replies!

SueWho · 18-05-2009 03:35PM

I agree with Lollipops! You made an appearance, made some small talk and even stayed around for a while to read. That shows you have nothing against them and that should be enough. And it was cheeky of her to suggest that reading a book was rude: as if watching tv is so sociable!!!

The truth is that it takes us long enough to find a bunch of friends we like. Then it's hard enough to find a boyfriend/ girlfriend with whom we are compatible. What are the chances of everyone getting on like one big happy family?? Slim. It should just be accepted, no point forcing something unnatural.

You should both just make a bit of an effort and always be friendly but it's unrealistic for her to expect you to really enjoy hanging out with them.

I blame shows like Friends for giving girls these idealistic notions!

R.D. aka MR.D · 18-05-2009 04:58PM

did this issue not come up before now? or is it just coming to a head with the weekend thing?

imo you were a little bit rude to be reading a book in the lving room when there were other people around. all it would have taken was for you to say was: i'll leave you gals anole to have a natter, i've a book i'm really into at the minute. i hope you don't mind.
Then read in your room.

she like most other normal girlfriends wants to get along with your friends. do they not have the decency to ask her what she does for a living, where shes from etc?
My OH has a billion friends and some of them i don't have anything in common with but we manage conversation because we're polite adults.

if she feels isolated among your friends then you need to make sure shes not a vise versa.
she should ensure that her friends make the effort to ask you questions and take an interest.
no offence but you sound kind of condesending about her friends interests so maybe your OH could be picking upon that or even worse themselves.

i think you need to have a frank talk about it.
she definitly shouldn't be forcing you to goanywhere.

LegacyUser · 18-05-2009 06:46PM

Seems your girlfriend has a right to be annoyed to my mind. When they're watching television it's a group activity, which although passive, is something they're engaging in together. You're issolating yourself from them by reading a book which is by nature a solitary activity, and then you make things worse by leaving the room to continue doing it. It just seems rude and unnessecery to me. Leaving the room and avoiding her friends for the rest of the night isn't really on.

Hman09 · 19-05-2009 04:16AM

lol she goes to coppers, watch out man!! That place is for the single ppl who want nothing more then a snog and a quick shag! Id run a mile if a girl told me she going to coppers :P

We don't get on with each other's friends

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