Is it OK to just cut someone out of your life?

LegacyUser · 14-05-2009 05:16PM #1

This isn't the most serious problem on this forum but it is something that has been bothering me, none the less.

I have a friend, I have been friends with him for nearly 2 years now. We have never been especially close but we got on O.K and we share a good deal of mutual friends. Through out the time I have known him we have never really spent much time alone together, mostly we have been around other people. We stayed in the same hostel as each other (while travelling) but there were always other people around, when we were alone together we got on reasonably ok as he his a nice enough guy most of the time and can be quite fun.

He now lives in the same city as me and we have started hanging out together, none of our other friends live around here anymore (again travelling). The problem is I have come to the realisation that I don't think I actually like him at all. I don't think I want to hang out with him anymore. It's not so bad when pother people are there too but when he's drunk he can't keep his hands to himself and insists on grabbing hold of my arse etc obviously I tell him too stop but he makes a joke of it. He tries it on with every women withing a 5 mile radius of himself, usually in a really sleezy way. I recently intriduced him too my sister and she thought he was a creep, I am not surprised I could have cringed the way he was going on with her. He is such a show off, I am used to this one with him because i noticed it when we were travelling but when I hear him showing off to other people sometimes I find it really embarrassing, he's so blatantly trying to drop into the converstaion how much he earns and how much he pays for stuff, I don't know why he things anyone else cares. I am also starting to think he's a pathalogical lyer, some of the stories he comes out with seem a bit hard to believe, again part of his showing off problem. He also has a tendancy to make a fool of himself when drunk, I meen I like a drink too and have been not to do the odd stupid thing when under the influence but this happens all the time to him and sometimes I feel embarrassed too.

What should I do? I don't think I want to be friends with him anymore but I don't know how to tell him this. I have never mentioned any of my issues with him to him before (apart from telling him to get off me when he couldn't keep his hands to himself, obviously) Would it be ok for me to just not answer his call and always be 'busy' when he suggested something?

*Honey* · 14-05-2009 05:25PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Would it be ok for me to just not answer his call and always be 'busy' when he suggested something?

Absolutely. He sounds like a creep, why should you have to put up with behaviour like that? It's not like you're gaining anything from this "frienship" other than hassle and annoyance. I would be polite and nice but back off slowly but surely.

castle · 14-05-2009 05:39PM

Look you can drop him like a stone or you could try and understand why he goes like that .Sit him down and tell that you do not like the way he acts when drunk and tell you don't like him touching your bum(you are a girl I take it).
Tell him that life is to short to have to listen to people going on about how great they are etc.Maybe he is crying out in some way,people who go like that generally are insecure and that is why they go on like that.
If you have the chat with him then you can always say you trued, maybe he is good under it all.Give him a chance I'm thinking

Salome · 14-05-2009 05:46PM

You don't need to justify your decision. You don't want to be his friend. You don't like him. That's surely enough of a reason? If you see him while out in a group, fine but don't make plans that involve him. Simple as.

LegacyUser · 14-05-2009 05:58PM

OP here, thanks for the replies.

This is the thing, I think he probably is insecure underneath it all but he's going the worng way about dealing with it. I just dont' know if I can be dealing with him anymore, it's getting to the point where he makes my skin crawl, he's just so sleazy, with women anyway.

The arse grabbing etc only happens when he's drunk but his showing of and (I think) lying are all the time.

I have told him time and time again that I don't like him touching me up etc but he still does it, he doesn't seem discouraged at all.

I think I would be too embarrassed to bring up his lying or his showing off too him, cowardly I know but he would only deny it.

I should also mention this guy is 30 years old, not some silly young kid who doesn't know any better. When I sit down and think about it I just don't hink I want to be his friend, harsh I know but I just don't really like him.

CDfm · 14-05-2009 05:58PM

Of course you can. Its what grown ups do. Its one of the perks of being an adult.

You also dont have to be nice to Mormons or Jehovah Witnesses on your doorstep but its nicer to close the door politely:)

You can not answer his calls and not justify it.

LegacyUser · 14-05-2009 06:02PM

Salome wrote: »

You don't need to justify your decision. You don't want to be his friend. You don't like him. That's surely enough of a reason? If you see him while out in a group, fine but don't make plans that involve him. Simple as.

Thanks Salome. I don't really see him out in a group anymore because we don't really have any mutual friends that live here anymore. I never suggest plans to him but he is always calling me and suggest we do this, that and the other. I could just ignore him, that's what I am asking really, is it O.K to just not answer his calls etc, he would guess what I was doing eventually but it just seems a but cruel. But then I don't want to have to confront him and do a character assasination as an explaination, that would surely be crueler.

aare · 14-05-2009 06:24PM

Unregistered wrote: »

.
What should I do? I don't think I want to be friends with him anymore but I don't know how to tell him this. I have never mentioned any of my issues with him to him before (apart from telling him to get off me when he couldn't keep his hands to himself, obviously) Would it be ok for me to just not answer his call and always be 'busy' when he suggested something?

That sounds perfectly fine to me...tbh, from what you say, I would be AMAZED if you did want to continue to be friends with him!

*Honey* · 14-05-2009 06:30PM

Unregistered wrote: »

The arse grabbing etc only happens when he's drunk but his showing of and (I think) lying are all the time.

I have told him time and time again that I don't like him touching me up etc but he still does it, he doesn't seem discouraged at all.

The fact that you've sat down with him and told him you do not like this behaviour and he's continued to do it is a major thing - he doesn't care what you think or how you feel. He doesn't care that he makes you uncomfortable.

Add that to the lying (my pet hate in people) and I'd have dumped him like a hot snot years ago.

Feel free to cut him out of your life - sounds like it's a long time coming and I'm sure you'll be happier afterwards too.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 14-05-2009 06:35PM

If he did change his ways would you want to be his friend? Or are there other redeeming features.

If its the former, meet him for lunch, don't blend your words, tell him straight out you don't want to associate with a pervert.
Tell him you were mortified by his behaviour with your sister and actively choose to never invite female friends when he's around.
Tell him "people are talking"

Then if he sleazes on you one more time on a night out literally walk away immediately and completely ignore him from then on, he'll know exactly why and he'll have no one to blame but him self.

Now, if you just don't want to be friends even if he changes his ways its a lot more complicated. You can either tell him the truth, that you don't like him. Or just keep "being busy" until he gets the message. Both pretty tough.

LegacyUser · 14-05-2009 06:56PM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

If he did change his ways would you want to be his friend? Or are there other redeeming features.

If its the former, meet him for lunch, don't blend your words, tell him straight out you don't want to associate with a pervert.
Tell him you were mortified by his behaviour with your sister and actively choose to never invite female friends when he's around.
Tell him "people are talking"

Then if he sleazes on you one more time on a night out literally walk away immediately and completely ignore him from then on, he'll know exactly why and he'll have no one to blame but him self.

Now, if you just don't want to be friends even if he changes his ways its a lot more complicated. You can either tell him the truth, that you don't like him. Or just keep "being busy" until he gets the message. Both pretty tough.

OP here, thanks everyone for the replies. Bottle of Smoke, he does have SOME redeeming features, he can be quite generous and isn't a bad guy deep down, I don't think. I have enjoyed his company in the past.

But truthfully, I don't think I do want to be friends with him anymore, even if he did stop the feeling up thing and being so sleazy, now he's done it as many times as he has it's on my mind and makes my skin crawl.

For me to want to be his friend I think he's needs nearly a complete personality overhaul, I can't be doing with the showing off anymore, it's embarrassing. I do hate lying and I am become more and more convinced that he does that too.

Salome · 14-05-2009 08:59PM

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks Salome. I don't really see him out in a group anymore because we don't really have any mutual friends that live here anymore. I never suggest plans to him but he is always calling me and suggest we do this, that and the other. I could just ignore him, that's what I am asking really, is it O.K to just not answer his calls etc, he would guess what I was doing eventually but it just seems a but cruel. But then I don't want to have to confront him and do a character assasination as an explaination, that would surely be crueler.

There's no need to have a scene. If he calls you, answer but if he wants to make plans, just be friendly but say you've something else on. You don't need to be cruel.

LegacyUser · 14-05-2009 09:45PM

Hi Op,

God -been here a million times and at one stage had to include family members. Including both my parents and that was a tough one but they had abused and controlled me all my life and blood was not thicker than water in my case!!

If you see the reality that you are allowing this guy to manipulate you maybe it will annoy you into not allowing him do it anymore.

He is behaving inappropriately toward you and you need to set boundaries.

Also you do him no favors allowing him to continue to behave badly, when people get confronted on their behavior it helps them to change,

But to be honest he is not your responsibility and you dont have a lot of yourself invested in him so dont feel guilty to let him go, he will survive as he always has, Focus on the great people in your life and let him dwindle out naturally.

trowelled · 15-05-2009 09:02AM

You seem to have made up your mind that you don't wanna be friends with him anymore. That is perfectly acceptable. Why be friends with someone who makes you so uncomfortable.

I recently cut contact with two people who were my best friends. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made but I realised they were having a negative impact on my life and I couldn't deal with it anymore.

I think what you need to do is decide how you wanna go about cutting him out of your life. You can just ignore texts or calls, pretend you're busy etc. Or you could sit him down and reaffirm the fact that his behaviour makes you uncomfortable and that it is unacceptable, tell him that if he doesn't change his ways around you then you two can no longer be friends

Oh The Humanity · 15-05-2009 11:15AM

Would it be ok for me to just not answer his call and always be 'busy' when he suggested something?

Yes, just dont bother returning his calls etc

You've tried talking to him and he didn't want to listen or bother taking you seriously so its his own tough sh1t now.

Thing is by entertaining people like this you will get lumped together with him as being as bad as him. He will alienate other friends/potential friends etc

Your sister said he was a creep and he does sound like one. Its his own fault, you are in no way obliged to put up with people like this at all.

LegacyUser · 15-05-2009 11:32AM

OP it sounds like you were never this really guys friend anyway. You just sort of 'drifted' into hanging around together.

CDfm · 15-05-2009 12:35PM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Yes, just dont bother returning his calls etc

You've tried talking to him and he didn't want to listen or bother taking you seriously so its his own tough sh1t now.

I wonder if she should tell him that his behaviour after a few pints is creepy and out of order.

I mean avoiding an unwanted guest and phonecalls is a bit much but if he has some redeeming qualities he might want to know.

Just a thought.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 15-05-2009 01:37PM

Salome wrote: »

There's no need to have a scene. If he calls you, answer but if he wants to make plans, just be friendly but say you've something else on. You don't need to be cruel.

You don't think that in itself is incredibly cruel?

THis guy is probably oblivious to himself, if she doesn't want to know him anymore, fine, but be honest so he can learn from his mistakes and move on.

CDfm · 15-05-2009 01:56PM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You don't think that in itself is incredibly cruel?

THis guy is probably oblivious to himself, if she doesn't want to know him anymore, fine, but be honest so he can learn from his mistakes and move on.

That is a point - and the downside is that if he is oblivious if you say nothing he may just coontinue to call you and bump into you socially. At least this way you are fair and he knows the score.

I mean - you and others havent told him the behaviour is not appropriate or have you???

LegacyUser · 15-05-2009 02:32PM

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

You don't think that in itself is incredibly cruel?

THis guy is probably oblivious to himself, if she doesn't want to know him anymore, fine, but be honest so he can learn from his mistakes and move on.

Yes but she doesnt want to be friends with him anyway. Its not a case that its a friend whos behaviour she doesnt like. Even if he did change she doesnt want to hang around him

Overheal · 15-05-2009 03:18PM

Im a bit surprised you didnt slap him on reflex when he put his hands on you, if you didnt like it. Thats just self defence.

It only takes getting slapped into next week once to realize something might not be a good idea.

CDfm · 15-05-2009 03:57PM

Overheal wrote: »

Im a bit surprised you didnt slap him on reflex when he put his hands on you, if you didnt like it. Thats just self defence.

It only takes getting slapped into next week once to realize something might not be a good idea.

Slapping a drunk person can backfire. I am sure if you calmly say your piece like "XXXX you are a nice guy -but when you are drunk you maul me and can be obnoxious" it would take a bit for him to call for a social outing.

Im going to regret asking this but it happens guys - OP have you done anything to encourage him. I mean if you are out together do you pay your own way totally. That he talks about his earnings makes him sound insecure-also allowing a guy to pay can give mixed signals.

Overheal · 15-05-2009 04:36PM

I think by not correcting the behavior when it happens (ie. a right slap) its enabling him in itself. Again youre dealing with a drunk person. Trying to talk it over would be as useful as trying to make soup in a collander. Especially if he's already pre-disposed to do this sort of thing. In that state he's not going to understand being talked to, he'll understand your right to defend your own space however.

CDfm · 15-05-2009 04:58PM

I meant saying it to him when he is sober. Less drama and at least the OP can take action and be asertive for the right reasons and without drama.

Abi · 15-05-2009 05:10PM

There are two ways you could deal with him. If you have the patience / can be ársed, then talk to him about it. You have to tell him you need to speak to him about something serious and be firm. Tell him how you feel when he carries on this way.

I on the other hand, am quite callous when it comes to these things. I've completely cut people out of the picture over similar stuff. Maybe not to everyones taste, but I would start missing calls and texts. He'd soon get the message. I just cannot be bothered with people who annoy me.

Your call OP.

seclachi · 15-05-2009 05:22PM

Just slowly drop him him, its the easy no fuss no muss method. Talking to him will probably only offend him and cause uneeded drama. Of course that is harder if he is in a group of your friends constantly. In that case take the softly softly approach and tell him you dont like the way he behaves, odds are he`ll get offended though.

idontknowmyname · 15-05-2009 09:01PM

OP i've had friends come and go over the years, I'm late 20's. You can either sit down with this guy as suggested and try talk to him properly or just don't bother to go out with him anymore. I've had to cut people out of my life for certain reasons and once I make the decision, that's it, no more contact. If this guy plays no real relevance in your life you can afford to lose him as a friend.

Is it OK to just cut someone out of your life?

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