Abusive Alcholic marent may have been sexuall absuive.

LegacyUser · 15-05-2009 02:10AM #1

I come from an well off south dublin city family which re-located to the midlands in the early 90's.
I come from a family of 5 brothers and 2 younger susters. for the last 5 years my second oldest brother has been excluded from family activities beacuse of events that happened when he was a child.

In November of last year my aunt, who is one year older that my oldest brother, has come out and told me and my brothers that our father raped her when she was a child (aged between 10 and 13) and that she remebers my father including my second oldest brother in sexual activities when he was of very young.

My second oldest brother was a student in St. Josephs Schools for the Deaf in cabra when he was in his early teens and while there was abused emotionally and physically by the ban an tie who would lock students in cupboards, make them strip en-mass and sometimes bring them to her room where she would make them do things my brother, even now, wont talk about.

In the last 3 years my younger sister has accused my second oldest brother of raping her when she was a child, even going as far as volunteering dates, however, the dates she has given do not match up with dates when my brother was in family home. When pressed about these dates she freezes up and shuts down and wont talk about our father, who we suspect, has been the abuser she is remembering (as my brother would have been 12! and subject to abuse himself at the time) we have gotten her to a point where she will say so much, but once my father is involved she shuts down and blames my (at the time) young brother. My aunt has given explicit details of my father involving my brother in his activities and has been ables to match these dates to dates when my brother would have been in the family home.

I don't know why I am posting this in PI, I guess I am looking for someone to point me in the direction of a therapist in the west (Galway) because I have been very depressed for the last 6 momths ro maybe a support group in the west who would offer me support or services of me or my family.

The most ****ed up think about it is this... I miss my Father, I mean, I really miss my Father, and sometime me moods swings from wanting to kill him to wanting to warn him to leave the country before he is proscuited.

This has been a long, drawn out, confused post by a boards.ie regular.

Any help is welcome.

tbh · 15-05-2009 08:15AM

Is your dad still alive? have you mentioned this to him or does he know about the accusations? I think the first thing you need to do is try to establish if this happened or not, and then figure out where to go from there.

Sinall · 15-05-2009 08:35AM

I'm really sorry to hear that this is going on in your family. A few years back I spent some time working with survivors of abuse and I understand the effects this can have on a family. It must be very hard on you.

My advice would be to go to your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor. For the members of your family who feel that they may have been abused, they could contact One in Four www.oneinfour.ie

There are a number of support groups out there and it's important that you take care of yourself and mind your mental health. This is bound to be a very confusing time for you. You could perhaps ring One in Four yourself and see if they know of any support groups for family members where this type of thing has occurred.

One in Four also offer family counselling and online support and will be able to point you in the right direction.

It must be very shocking, as your mental image of who your father was and what he means to you has been turned upside down. You say that your younger sister shuts down when your father "gets involved" - if she was abused by him it may mean that she is still afraid to say this to his face. It's a complex situation. Perhaps talking to her about it gently when your father is not around, in an environment where she feels safe and secure, may help you to get to the bottom of what actually happened.

Has anyone in your family spoken to the Guards?

LegacyUser · 15-05-2009 09:16AM

Hi OP,

Abuse is far more common than people realize and i think there is more taboo around it then murder, its so hard to understand why a family member would want to be sexual with another family member and i think family and incest is harder to come to terms with in our society.

My father is a pedophile and i know exactly what it is like to see your father in this light, I did not live with him growing up but visited quite regularly, where he did not physically touch me he did my sister but I always knew/ sensed something was not right with him.

You must be asking yourself why he may have abused your sister and not you? you say you miss him because maybe you had a good relationship with him and this is a surprise to you- its such a betrayal to you to find that your father is not the man you thought he was.

The way abuse works is it is done secretly, this is why government bodies never find out about it, the abuser can effectively do what he wants, he has full control, Also many people who have abused another have a history of abuse themselves, and it is common that abusive situations etc like the institution your brother was in becomes a further abusive reality. Like abuse finds abusive situations.

From what you have said i do not think that knowing the dates and times make much difference, I think you know deep down that he has done something, 3 people cannot state this without something being true, it was something i had to deal with myself because they say its your fathers word against the child's, but i know my father did it i needed no proof, i lived around him and witnessed him cross my sexual boundaries,i went to therapy and revisited my childhood and the way i always spoke about my dad was with disgust, i knew in the pit of my stomach what kind of character he was, once you reconcile this in yourself you need no further evidence.

What reason would your aunt have to lie about this? Maybe your sister was abused by both your father and brother, but the exact times do not really matter if she said she was abused and so did your aunt then she needs love and support right now the exact times do not matter. It always angeres me how the abuser gets the time of day when he effectively had destroyed many lives and your family.

Is your mother in the picture at all, its very hard to come to terms with but your father does need to be accountable for his actions,

This will have major implications with your family and i think you will need time on your own to digest this with a therapist.

Very sorry OP, it must be a great shock and devastation.

hepcat · 15-05-2009 11:18AM

My heart goes out to you OP, that is a very traumatic situation. I really think you should seek help and advice for yourself straightaway. Go to your GP and get a recommendation for a counsellor or support group.

This is the first thing to do - you need to get your head around what has happened and recognise why you are feeling so bad. Only then can you be of help to the rest of your family.

Good luck.

Abusive Alcholic marent may have been sexuall absuive.

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