Can't come to terms with my friends settling down.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2009 10:05PM #1

Hi everyone.

Just want to get this out of my system really as I'm feeling sad about it and see if anyone feels the same. Fairly common situation, think it happens to most of us at some stage, women and men. Was out with my old group of female friends last night but I'm the only single one out of all of them. I'm in a situation now where I can't really be in a relationship (basically never in one place long enough to have one and am moving away in a few months for work...and I'm also bloody terrified of getting my heart broken again) and this does bother me.

I'm at the age now (late late twenties) where my friends are settling down, getting married, talking about having kids and the rest of it. I would love to be in the same situation in the sense that I'd love to be with the love of my life but I'm reasonably okay with being single...lots of freedom, no compromise, can kiss whatever man I like etc. but I'm finding my friends have become very, how do I put this nicely, "settled". Most of our conversations are about boyfriends, relationship issues, weddings, babies and to be honest, I find it all a bit tedious...this kind of conversation is mind-numbingly boring for me, particularly because I can't contribute at the moment and even when I was with my last boyfriend, I still found this kind of detailed relationship analysis boring.

I completely understand that this is what happens at our age generally and if I was in a relationship, I'd probably join in. However, we used to have a great time going out, chatting, laughing, maybe going out to a club for a dance but now it's an effort to make them come out and I can forget about getting them to come dancing! Last night was a case-in-point when they all went home early.

I'm feeling really sad about all this. It's like the end of an era but we're only in our late twenties and I always thought that until the kids came along, we'd still be partying. If we do go out, I feel guilty for chatting to a guy because I feel that they see it as "girly-time" away from their OHS, which is absolutely fair enough but I'm single...when I'm out this is my time to spend with my friends AND meet guys. To be honest (and maybe this is a reflection on my own insecurity) but I get the feeling that my friends are casting a disapproving eye at me when I'm flirting with men (this only happens occasionally in a night by the way, I'm not an outrageous flirt or anything but I get a fair bit of attention, I suppose.), like I'm too old for that kind of carry on (they've all been with their respective others since their early twenties). I know myself I need more single friends but these are my old friends and I don't want to drift apart from them over this. I just can't come to terms that the good times are over...it's all very sad, I think. Anyone else feel this way and how did you come to terms with it? I'll be 30 in the not-to-distant future and is this all just a taste of things to come????? Should I bring this up and if I do, how do I not come across bitter and jealous (I'm not sure if I am, they've all got lovely OHs and i'm genuinely delighted to see them happy...I just miss our old friendship).

This is very long, sorry about that but thanks a million for reading.

LegacyUser · 10-05-2009 10:55PM

I am in pretty much the same situation but I am in my mid 30's. Friends/family always wondering when I am going to meet someone and settle down. I Have had my fair share of boyfriends long and short term. I have always been very independent and keep myself on the go, travelling on my own if needs be, doing courses to improve myself and keep the brain active.
I can totally relate to the nights out where if you spend anytime chatting to anyone they have a grievance as your supposed to be out with you (It's always a group so no one would be left alone) but then they wonder why you haven't met some one on the night out??!! Like what the hell?
I am at the stage now that I suit myself on nights out with them, they make little effort to arrange anything or even to pick up the phone for a chat. I know I have a solid base of friendship with them all and that will last.
One thing I have noticed is that some are starting to separate and one is divorced so they are all looking to me - the single one - to bring them on nights out.
Just go with the flow of conversation with them for a while, change it to what you want to talk about for a while and limit your time with them.
Good luck and your time will come.

krudler · 10-05-2009 11:30PM

Im a guy and in the same boat, not single but not going out with my OH as long as my friends are with theirs, they're all at 6, 7, and one at 10 years into a relationship, all in late 20s as well and everyone but me is engaged or on the road to it, I'm with my girlfriend for just over a year so neither of us have even talked about anything like that yet, but while they're all planning for weddings and saving for mortgages we go out and have dinner, cinema, pub, all the fun things couples should do before the real life woes set in and nights consist of couch, tv and bed early as my friends constantly complain to me that they have fallen into this so its not all bad.

In my own view you shouldnt let society tell you that you need to be engaged or married or have kids or whatever by the time you hit a certain age, thats just nonsense make your own mind up about things, everyone travels their own road in life and to want to do something just because everyone else is doing it isnt the right way to go about starting a relationship you want to go a certain way as it wont work, you'll always have that "clocks ticking need to bag a man now" thing in your mind and will rush into things or wind up with people that arent right because of it, enjoy being single, why not take off for a year and travel if you havent done so already? theres plenty of time for settling down so live as much as you can first

LegacyUser · 11-05-2009 12:06PM

I hear ya.

Mid 30s and certain friends have settled down... but, I've joined a club of a sport I like and I have been having the best year I have had in ages.

Lots of mid 20 - mid 40 year olds, most of whom have no kids and want to party. I've been away every other weekend and have yet to have a boring converstaion.

some people like settling down and that's cool - not for me at this stage though.

There is an element of sadness about moving on and of "loss" of all the good times but there are plenty of people out there who want to live life to its fullest.

So get yourself some new friends...

LegacyUser · 14-05-2009 12:46PM

I totally see where you are coming from. When I was in my early 20's I worked with women who were married, having kids and they used to tell me I'd see the day when people I know start settling down. Well it's happened, nearly everyone is engaged, building houses, married or having kids. I'm single, living at home and don't know if I'm coming or going. Very frustrating. Sometimes I'd love to be settling down, paying for my house and happy with someone. Don't have any single people to go out with even.

Barracudaincork · 15-05-2009 07:59AM

My family and most of my friends are hooked up or married with kids. But boy are they jealous of my life!!!! I eat what i want when i want, even chocolate for breakfast and no one says anything, i can sleep in till mid-day and no one says anything, i can dance naked around my house pretending im the next Pink and no one says anything, I can get in my car and go away for a weekend and no one says anything, i can watch whatever I want on TV.......the list is endless.

At times i would like to "settle down" but in doing so now i would be "settling", embrace the fact your single, independent and can do whatever you like without checked it out with someone first. There is so much more to life than husbands and babies!!!!

LegacyUser · 15-05-2009 11:40AM

I feel exactly the same as you except I am in my 30's/

I am STILL in a state of shock at the fact that EVERYONE to a man and a woman took the same path. Having kids getting married and all that. Fine if thats what you're into but seriously? Really?

Yes, as it turns out, seriously, really. I just have to accept it. God almightly, I had a fantastic youth, never wanted it to end, just one more year, just one more year, well here we are and I still cant get into their way of thinking. BUT, at least I have the open mindedness to join in with their lives. I go to the Christenings, spend time with their kids. Chat and listen to them. Go out of my way on my precious weekends to babysit etc

BUT, the favour is not returned. You will find that. No-one lifts the phone to me any more, they pass my door without EVER knocking in. You have got to not take it personally. Kids are all encompassing. They eat the parents brain and you will be just left with a Zombie friend whose only interest in you is when will you be joining their Zombie world.

The dissapproving bit, IGNORE. Its a mixture of bafflement/frustration and jealousy. You'll hear people say, you shouldn't do this that or the other at a certain age.

I can safely tell you this is B0LL0X. The reason they get uneasy is because they CANT do it and they dont want to look into the fact that they all settled down in their early 20's. Somewhere inside they know they blew their lives in a way, yes they have kids and they would never change that blah blah blah but on the other hand....did they live?

Yes, they did, just not like you and that makes them uncomfortable, instead of adopting the 'live and let live' policy you and I have twords them. They project their resentment onto you and try to make you feel 'odd' 'different' or 'out of kilter with society'

Yawn, just pleasantly put them in their place. This is your life, live it the way you want to. Dont sleepwalk into anything and DONT be pressured to settle down if you dont want to.

Raising kids is a swindle. Its the woman that does the grunt work day after day, week after week and year after year while the mans life doesn't change much. Thats why I wont jump off the cliff, I dont want to get left holding the baby while my man goes to the pub 'just to watch the second half of the game' and comes back 12 hours later having drunk the housekeeping. I dont want to sit in a group of wittering females on another mind numbing girly early bird night where all they talk about is uhhhh you know...kids and all the rest while they have just one drink and have to rush home before 10 unless 'himself' humanly combusts with the trauma of the responsibility having to watch telly for 2 hours with a baby monitor.

They mugged themselves and they want you to join their club. Dont. Not until you are good and ready.

DONT be a slave to the Biological clock either. Party, travel and enjoy your life. I still have my old friends for all the good they are now. BUT I also have a real group of new friends who are on the same page as me and CAN come to the pub for the whole night, go to a festival and NEVER ask me where my relationship is at and when I can start 'trying'

sunnyside · 15-05-2009 02:36PM

"Settling down" has a slightly different meaning for me. I'm 30 and just over a year ago I bought a house and for me that was "settling down". Finding somewhere permenant to live that will be my home for the forseeable future, maybe for ever and all the responsibility and bills that go with that.

In the past I've changed jobs a lot but recently I started training to do something which I plan on doing until I retire provided I can get work in that area *current economic climate* etc but that's a totally separate issue.

My point is that "settling down" doesn't have to mean marriage and kids, it can be something else. Like my house and long-term career plan or for somebody else a decision to move permenantly to a different country.

As you get older it's very difficult/impossible to have a group of friends in the exact same situation as yourself.

My friends include people with young children and older people who are separated.

Boombast There have been plenty of times when I've thought the good times were over and then a few months later something fabulous happened starting a new phase of good-times.

Can't come to terms with my friends settling down.

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