How to say no to neighbour

LegacyUser · 01-05-2009 12:45PM #1

Hi all, we've gotten a new neighbour where we live. She seems like an okay person. She is a single mother with one child. She works in the same large company as my OH, but in a different section. We live about 20 miles away from the company which is based in the city but we live a small nearby town with bus links which are infrequent. She does not drive and since she moved in next door she is constantly asking my OH asking for lifts in and out of work. She has also started dropping her child in to our house and asking us to mind him for '2 minutes' while she runs to the shop. But then she doesn't come back for an hour. Now he's a great little fella and our kids love playing with him but he is a responsibility. I like him but don't know ANYTHING about him- what he can or can't eat, and he is older than our son and at a different stage so i can't relate to him very easily. All this behaviour has only just started and I need to stop it in it's tracks but I do not want to fall out with her or her son. I also don't mind to help her out if she needs it because I think being a single mother must be difficult. I do not, however, want to be a door mat. My OH does not want to give her a lift to work, full stop. It is not a money issue, he enjoys the peace on the drive to work, being able to listen to the radio, or loud music or whatever. It must be difficult for her to get to work but really, why didn't she rent a house near the company ( there are loads available locally)? When she first asked it was on the basis that she just needed a lift for a few days the first week she moved in until she got sorted, but it is going on longer now. I know this is a bit of a rant but I'm hoping for some ideas on how to approach this subject. Most of her dealings so far have been with my OH- I have actually only met her once- I am rather a direct person and honest but do not want to upset her so I'm looking for guidance on how to approach it gently.

Zaph · 01-05-2009 01:12PM

Is there any chance your partner could take a few days off work, which would force her to make alternative arrangements?

star-pants · 01-05-2009 01:13PM

Or even if your OH could go in an hour earlier/later thus can't accomodate her?

shellyboo · 01-05-2009 01:17PM

Zaph wrote: »

Is there any chance your partner could take a few days off work, which would force her to make alternative arrangements?

star-pants wrote: »

Or even if your OH could go in an hour earlier/later thus can't accomodate her?

Those are both good ideas, but why should he have to change his whole routine because his neighbour is scabbing off him?!

OP, your partner doesn't need to give her a reason for not wanting to give her lifts anymore, and you don't have to give her reasons for not keeping her son anymore. A simple firm "No, it's not convenient today" is all you need to say. And just say it as many times as you need to until she gets the message.

TheInquisitor · 01-05-2009 01:18PM

Zaph wrote: »

Is there any chance your partner could take a few days off work, which would force her to make alternative arrangements?

I agree with Zaph...even leaving early some mornings, maybe go to the gym before work for a week. Take a weeks holidays or even leave late. Don't make it easy for her to get lifts with your OH

dlambirl · 01-05-2009 01:20PM

Thats awful OP - sounds like your neighbour just takes advantage of you good people. I can understand why your OH doesnt want to give her a lift to work and its not being mean - its nice having peace and quiet going to work and not having to make small talk with someone!!

The next time she pops round ro yours with the child to mind him for "two mins" tell her your on your way out.

bluecell99 · 01-05-2009 01:25PM

Hi there,

It is a bit of a problem alright but you have no choice but to end it .She is taking the michael out oif ye.She has homed in on the fact ye are decent and obliging people.

Your OH simply has to say "Sorry,I have other arrangements".

Tomorrow and the next day he has other plans also.

Regarding your unpaid child minding.You have to be firm.Next time she tries this say "Sorry,I am goimg out now".

You are going out the nextr time as well.

My guess is she wont be long getting the message.A classic user if ever I heard one and as long as you allow it the demands will grow and grow and grow.For your familys sake end it.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2009 01:31PM

You have hit the nail on the head with the 'classic user' idea, or at least that is what I am worried about- that if we don't put a stop to it now it will just get worse.

Something I should have mentioned- she is actually a manager where my OH works- now she is not directly over him- different section but is more senior. So we have to tread carefully IYKWIM.

She usually drops her son in to us in the evenings after work- our children are younger so they go to bed at eight and she often drops her son at 6 or 6.30. At that stage I am usually in the middle of dinner/playtime or preparations so we can't really say we are going out because she will see we are not leaving the house!

LegacyUser · 01-05-2009 01:33PM

Sorry- meant to say also that when she asks if she can drop her son for a few minutes or if he can come over to ours, it is always in front of him. I am very, very conscious that he is just a child and I do not want to hurt his feelings so that makes it more difficult.

shellyboo · 01-05-2009 01:51PM

OP, there's no way to make this behaviour stop without telling this woman no; unless you're prepared to uproot your whole life. You're just giving excuses as to why you "can't" say anything, when really they're not valid at all.

If she gives him grief at work, he reports her to his superiors.
Even if she does see you're not going out, who cares? It'll help her get the message.
The child would probably much rather not be left with the strangers next door anyway, so you're not hurting his feelings.

Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them. You have to stand up to her.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2009 02:12PM

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, there's no way to make this behaviour stop without telling this woman no; unless you're prepared to uproot your whole life. You're just giving excuses as to why you "can't" say anything, when really they're not valid at all.

If she gives him grief at work, he reports her to his superiors.
Even if she does see you're not going out, who cares? It'll help her get the message.
The child would probably much rather not be left with the strangers next door anyway, so you're not hurting his feelings.

Nobody can take advantage of you unless you let them. You have to stand up to her.

I totally agree that we have to say no.

What I'm trying to do is find some way of saying it without hurting her child's feelings and without lying because I feel that lying will backfire inevitably.

I suppose realistically my OH will have to bite the bullet and simply tell her that he does not want to be asked to give her a lift the whole time. She already offered to pay him a part of the petrol and he told her that he was only helping her out while she got settled and he did not 'want her to rely on him'. But she doesn't seem to have got the message.

And in relation to dropping her son, actually I don't mind too much, so I might just tell her straight up that I like her son coming to play, that I don't mind to help minding him if she is ever stuck but that she has to give me notice and that if she says she is going to be a certain amount of time she has to stick to that.

I guess if she takes offence at that, then that's her problem, right?

RossFixxxed · 01-05-2009 02:25PM

I'm sorry I can't.

Seriously like. There seems to be a LOT of doormats today, stop having her wipe her feet on you. The odd favour is grand, a regular thing is insane. To hell with that.

Lollipops23 · 01-05-2009 03:01PM

if she comes around with the little fella, tell her your two are sick and need to be left alone. keep it up til she gets the message. seriously,she's taking mad liberties with you and your OH, just because she's copped that your decent good people.

kmick · 01-05-2009 03:12PM

I have to take an opposite appproach. We should be helping each other out. I remember years ago lots of people gave lifts to other people who were going the same direction. I doubt she moved next door to you just to cadge lifts. It makles sense to have two people in the car instead of one (althougha donation to petrol would be mannerly). Also you can use the fact you mind her kid if you need an hour off? Drop your kids in there. Also another thing that happened years ago. I think your are a tiny bit selfish (even though you are perfectly entitled to be) in your attitude.

Femelade · 01-05-2009 03:15PM

Am i the only one who actually feels sorry for this girl.
maybe its cos i'm a single mother myself, and i am often dropping my daughter into the neighbours if i have to go somewhere, but i do the same for them often if they go somewhere...
Before i had a car i found it difficult to get around, and i used to have to drop my daughter to playschool in the morning, without a car it was difficult as i live in the country, so i had to take a lift with a neighbour who was going there anyway, if that neighbour had turned around to me and said no i cant take you cos i like to listen to my music loud, or whatever reason, i would have been very hurt. If she paid some money towards petrol would it make a difference? maybe ye should ask her?

Maybe the bus is too expensive for her to take, or the times dont suit her working hours?
Maybe to rent close to where she worked would have been more expensive..

I dont understand why you cant just help a neighbour out...
maybe its cos i live in a very close knit community and everyone is always ready to help eachother out is why i feel this way about the situation...
Sorry if you disagree..

Lollipops23 · 01-05-2009 03:18PM

Femelade wrote: »

Am i the only one who actually feels sorry for this girl.
maybe its cos i'm a single mother myself, and i am often dropping my daughter into the neighbours if i have to go somewhere, but i do the same for them often if they go somewhere...
Before i had a car i found it difficult to get around, and i used to have to drop my daughter to playschool in the morning, without a car it was difficult as i live in the country, so i had to take a lift with a neighbour who was going there anyway, if that neighbour had turned around to me and said no i cant take you cos i like to listen to my music loud, or whatever reason, i would have been very hurt. If she paid some money towards petrol would it make a difference? maybe ye should ask her?

Maybe the bus is too expensive for her to take, or the times dont suit her working hours?
Maybe to rent close to where she worked would have been more expensive..

I dont understand why you cant just help a neighbour out...
maybe its cos i live in a very close knit community and everyone is always ready to help eachother out is why i feel this way about the situation...
Sorry if you disagree..

why should they have to oblige every single time???it's great, IMHO, that they've helped so much so far. and they seem like the kind of people who would help out in future, they just don't like being taken for granted and taken advantage of.fair enough imho.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 01-05-2009 03:21PM

Tough situation. You're going to fall out if you refuse the lifts without good reason. Your husband can tell her politely he likes driving alone and there'll be bad vibes forever. Or he can continue giving lifts. I don't think there's any middle ground.

Going to gym/swimming before work might do it but that means your husband has to lose sleep.

How close are your kids in age? If you fall out the kids could eventually stop being friends and maybe even enemies. Thread carefully.

And in relation to dropping her son, actually I don't mind too much, so I might just tell her straight up that I like her son coming to play, that I don't mind to help minding him if she is ever stuck but that she has to give me notice and that if she says she is going to be a certain amount of time she has to stick to that.

I think that's very reasonable and she'll be fine with it.

Femelade · 01-05-2009 03:26PM

Lollipops23 wrote: »

why should they have to oblige every single time???it's great, IMHO, that they've helped so much so far. and they seem like the kind of people who would help out in future, they just don't like being taken for granted and taken advantage of.fair enough imho.

well my definition of being "taken for granted" is if she drops the kid off everyday for hours on end..but i doubt that happens.
She has said she doesnt mind minding the kid if she gets notice, fair enough i say.
They can also take advantage of her too, i'm sure she would have no problem minding their kids for a while if needed...

Hrududu · 01-05-2009 03:29PM

Someone upthread posted the perfect response for when she drops her kid round. Just say "It's not convenient right now, sorry." You don't have to explain why its not convenient, and you can say it without being mean or feeling guilty about it.

I don't know how your husband can get out of the lifts thing cleanly. Does she just assume that he is bringing her every day? Or does she show up to ask each time? He could always try a generic "Sorry, I can't bring you tomorrow."

There is helping a neighbour out and there is getting taken advantage of. I'd nip this in the bud.

Lollipops23 · 01-05-2009 03:32PM

Femelade wrote: »

well my definition of being "taken for granted" is if she drops the kid off everyday for hours on end..but i doubt that happens.
She has said she doesnt mind minding the kid if she gets notice, fair enough i say.
They can also take advantage of her too, i'm sure she would have no problem minding their kids for a while if needed...

yes but why should they have to??they've been so accommadating, and her treating them like a creche is unfair.also failing to arrange her own lift is so annoying, why would you move to an area too far from work that you can't afford/have no lift??was she planning on relying on other people??look it's only expected that she is given a little leeway/have a few favours done for her, being a single mum is tough of course.but she's taking the piss at this stage,imposing herself and her child on her neighbours.

Femelade · 01-05-2009 03:40PM

Lollipops23 wrote: »

yes but why should they have to??they've been so accommadating, and her treating them like a creche is unfair.also failing to arrange her own lift is so annoying, why would you move to an area too far from work that you can't afford/have no lift??was she planning on relying on other people??look it's only expected that she is given a little leeway/have a few favours done for her, being a single mum is tough of course.but she's taking the piss at this stage,imposing herself and her child on her neighbours.

Oh my god, some people can be so mean!
She is hardy treating them as a creche..come on! is she dropping her child off everyday for a few hours? No, an hour every so often.
Like i already suggested, living close to where she works was probably too expensive..i'm sure she would have if she could afford it. nobody wants to be depending on other people for lifts, but sometimes its just the way things are.

i'm glad i dont have any neighbours with an attitude like you.
People should be helping eachother out when they can.

and the way you say she is "imposing herself and her child on her neighbours"..sounds like she has a disease or something!!

Very very mean imo.

memphis · 01-05-2009 03:45PM

I'm inclined to agree somewhat with kmick and femelade above. Nothing wrong with giving the girl a helping hand. It must be tough on her being a single mother and moving into a new home etc. Be nice to her. Help her out like you are doing, but in all truth it should work both ways. There is being kind and then there is being overly kind. You shouldn't let her abuse your willingness. Ask her to mind your kids sometime you want some time alone with your other half or whatever. Ask her to help you in other ways too etc. A favour for a favour!!! Its important to have good neighbour in this day and age. I wouldn't be falling out with her over it all, it could cause more hassle for ye than its worth.

shellyboo · 01-05-2009 03:45PM

Femelade wrote: »

nobody wants to be depending on other people for lifts, but sometimes its just the way things are.

Nobody should expect anyone to help them out. What would she do if the neighbours weren't there? What will she do if they go on holidays for a fortnight? Stay home from work?

It's completly unreasonable to rely on favours to get yourself through life, and completely unfair to make the OP feel bad or selfish not to want to have to help this woman through life. I'd feel the exact same in her place.

Lollipops23 · 01-05-2009 03:47PM

Femelade wrote: »

and the way you say she is "imposing herself and her child on her neighbours"..sounds like she has a disease or something!!

Very very mean imo.

the OP has expressed that they'd like to draw the line. that suggests that she is taking the michael, they sound like they've been wonderful to her so far. helping someone is fine, but being relied on is something else. and FYI i often help out my own neighbours with their kids, it's human kindness. but i would not like to be their go-to,i have my own life,as does the OP and he family.

Femelade · 01-05-2009 03:51PM

shellyboo wrote: »

Nobody should expect anyone to help them out. What would she do if the neighbours weren't there? What will she do if they go on holidays for a fortnight? Stay home from work?

It's completly unreasonable to rely on favours to get yourself through life, and completely unfair to make the OP feel bad or selfish not to want to have to help this woman through life. I'd feel the exact same in her place.

Sometimes life has been good to people, sometimes people have not been so lucky.
I feel sorry for the girl, as she is living in a neighbourhood where she doesnt know anybody, she has a son and is raising him alone. thats a hard thing to do, and people should be sympathetic to that too.

God ,if she wasnt working and claiming benefit, people would probably find a problem with that too..

shellyboo · 01-05-2009 03:55PM

Femelade wrote: »

Sometimes life has been good to people, sometimes people have not been so lucky.
I feel sorry for the girl, as she is living in a neighbourhood where she doesnt know anybody, she has a son and is raising him alone. thats a hard thing to do, and people should be sympathetic to that too.

God ,if she wasnt working and claiming benefit, people would probably find a problem with that too..

Here, listen... everybody's life is hard. Just because she's a single mother doesn't mean she has a monopoly on problems.

Plenty of things are hard to do... if you can't do them alone, or without OFFERED help, you shouldn't do them. If she has absolutely no other way of getting to work apart from these lifts, what the hell was she doing moving to that area?! If I decided to move to Cork tomorrow and had "no other way" of getting to work but to ask random people for lifts, would that be ok? No it bloody would not. Just because she has a child doesn't mean she deserves special treatment, tbh.

I appreciate that sometimes you need a helping hand - but that hand has to be offered, not asked for and then taken advantage of.

Communicator · 01-05-2009 03:56PM

So the real problem is that your husband doesnt want to give her a lift?

Or is it you who doesn't want your husband giving her a lift?

You're giving her mixed messages. On one hand, you 'don't mind' the child. On the other hand, she's treating you like a childminder??

I'm on the side of the neighbour here - there's nothing wrong (particularly in this day and age) in human kindness. I would like to think that my neighbour wouldn't think I was using them because I asked them to mind my son for an hour.

PCPhoto · 01-05-2009 04:01PM

shellyboo wrote: »

Nobody should expect anyone to help them out. What would she do if the neighbours weren't there? What will she do if they go on holidays for a fortnight? Stay home from work?

she'd ask can she borrow the car

:D !!!

seriously though.... she's a single mom -probably struggling- but the OP is feeling the pressure of helping out - without any proper gratification.....I've been in a similar situation where people take advantage of you - sometimes its due to the fact that you are too nice , other times its due to the fact that they need help and dont know how to ask.

OP .... you need to discuss the matter with your neighbour. (if you are unhappy your family will suffer !!)

- does she have family support ? is the childs father around - does she have any plans to get a car or arrange a lift from someone from work

bullpost · 01-05-2009 04:08PM

I'd be inclined not to take the direct approach - she is after all a neighbor and things can get stressful if you fall out with neighbours.
Your problem at the moment is you're a sitting target.
I would start sending out subtle hints to your neighbour so that if she is taking advantage she may want to reconsider.
This would involve you making her work for any favours - so if she drops the child in and says she is going to the shop and will be back in two minutes, ask her to bring you back some rice or something that you need urgently for your dinner or suchlike.This puts pressure on her to return quickly . If shes genuine she won't mind. If shes taking advantage she'll most likely look for a softer touch. Likewise you husband needs to vary his routine for a few weeks so he can genuinely not be available for lifts.

Blue196 · 01-05-2009 04:11PM

The bottom line as I see it is that if you don't want to mind someones child or give them lifts then why should you.
I'm all for being a good neighbour, but I also want my privacy. If I'm settling down for the evening, quietening my children down before bed the last thing I would want would be a neighbours child arriving uninvited to stay for an unspecified period of time. Fine if there is some emergency or crisis but not on a regular basis.
I can see this problem growing unless something is done now, but it may be impossible to resolve it without giving offence.
In my experience someone who's in the habit of using people has grown a very thick skin through which subtle hints do not penetrate. So a direct "I'm sorry I can't mind little xxx right now, I'm getting dinner ready/ bathing my kids but I don't mind having him occasionaly to give you a break, just let me know a bit in advance"
The lifts are trickier, but again the longer it's left the harder it will be to break the habit. How about "I'll be able to give you a lift every Tuesday but the other days don't really suit"

kittenkiller · 01-05-2009 04:38PM

Could you try formalising the arrangements.
As you say you don't mind the child coming over every now and then, why don't you see if you can agree with her that she brings him around between 5.45 and 6.45 for dinner once a week, giving her time to go to the shops and get what she needs.
At least then you have proper notice and you're still being neighbourly to someone who obviously needs some help.

If your husband can do something similar, say only bring her in once a week, he's still helping but not being treated like a free taxi.
He could blame the gym or a full car (pack some bags with old toys and fill the car for a week or so, so that there's no room for passengers) for a while so she gets herself sorted with alternate transport.

What's wrong with a taxi.
She's a manager, so she must be able to afford one if necessary.

If you want to stay on good terms, I think compromise is the way to go.

How to say no to neighbour

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