My dad's cheating on my mum with prostitutes.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 03:39PM #1

A few weeks ago I clicked on 'most visited websites' in our family computer's history. I saw that a few escort sites came up which were based in Ireland. I got a huge shock as I have no brothers and knew it had to be my dad who is always online. ****ing idiot can't even manage to delete the history. However, I knew that going on the sites doesn't mean you're definitely using the services. I told my sister and she was really freaked out but said the same, that he would never actually use a prostitute.

Last night I was studying and heard him making a good few phonecalls which sounded strangely brief. So I listened on the other line to one and heard him talking to a foreign person, asking her when she was leaving Ireland and when she would be available. I can't believe this. I don't want to tell my mum but at the same time I'm disgusted that she thinks he's such a great husband. They actually do have a good relationship, he's a really good dad to us, brilliant help with schoolwork, really generous etc. It hasn't even sunk in properly. I can't even look at him now. He goes away for weekends quite often too so I know that this is a definite.:(

What should I do? Should I tell him? (I really don't want to but why should be get away with this ****?)

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 03:59PM

keep out of it. it has nothing, repeat, NOTHING, to do with you. seriously. it's between your mum and your dad.

Cormb · 24-04-2009 04:16PM

Hi OP

You're caught in a very unfortunate situation.
Maybe chat to him (a bit of gentle "digging") to see if he opens up and discusses it with you - at least if he owns up to it it might be (somewhat) easier to deal with it.

If that doesn't work maybe ask him directly why there was so many visits to escort sites - tell him you're worried about it.

Depending on his reason for doing it, counselling might be worth a thought.

Such behaviour can wreck havoc on a family and getting it sorted out would be a priority.

The_Conductor · 24-04-2009 04:26PM

As horrible as his behaviour is- keep in mind that his relationship with your mother is between he and your mother, and it is not your place to get involved. It might be an idea to drop rather broad hints to him that he has not deleted the history on his computer- but I would not admit that I had listened into phone calls, if I were you.

I can only imagine how you feel- but it really is not your problem, nor is it your business to try to 'solve' it. You will not get any thanks if you bring it up- the expression 'shooting the messenger' was invented for a reason....... Drop broad hints to him by all means- but that is as far as I would go if I were you.

seamus · 24-04-2009 04:34PM

Unregistered wrote: »

he's a really good dad to us, brilliant help with schoolwork, really generous etc.

Although it's hard now, try to remember that this hasn't changed. He's not suddenly a "bad person" because you've found this out. He is still the Father to you and your siblings that he's always been.

However, obviously what you thought the relationship between himself and your mother was, has changed.

I would largely agree with the other posters. Tread carefully. Do NOT approach your mother with it. For all you know, they may actually have some form of agreement about this and/or she knows all about it and tolerates it. Running to her with it may cause a lot more problems than saying nothing to her.

However, you don't have to be burdened with it. I don't know how old you are, but I would suggest not having it directly out with your father, but suggesting to him in private re: deleting the history on the computer. At that point he may come clean to you.

crotalus667 · 24-04-2009 04:34PM

Op I feel for you I really do , but your mother has a right to know that the man she is sleeping with is involved with (and is considered himself a) high sti risk individuals. If it was me I would let her know myself and bypass him , then let her deal with confronting him if that’s what she wants (there is also the possibility that she already knows)

Oh The Humanity · 24-04-2009 04:40PM

I can't even look at him now. He goes away for weekends quite often too so I know that this is a definite.

Where does he say he is going?

Does your mother question him?

Is it possible your Mother already knows and doesn't care?

Kintarō Hattori · 24-04-2009 04:40PM

crotalus667 wrote: »

Op I feel for you I really do , but your mother has a right to know that the man she is sleeping with is involved with (and is considered himself a) high sti risk individuals. If it was me I would let her know myself and bypass him , then let her deal with confronting him if that’s what she wants (there is also the possibility that she already knows)

Do not follow this advice OP it can only lead to trouble. As has been said by posters above such as seamus and smccarrick drop hints to your father and see where that goes. You don't know what agreements are in place and as has already been said just throwing it out there at your mother could lead to all sorts of hassle.

Drops hints, see how that goes and maybe then mention it to your father.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 04:41PM

Hi OP,

How upsetting for you and your sister to find this out,

Your mother might know more than you realize,

All in all, your dad has a problem with wanting more sex in his life, i found out my dad was a pedophile and it was so shocking and devastating i actually cannot have a relationship with him,

I think this is something your family can work through and recover from, it doesnt really matter how it comes out i think your dad will be expecting to get caught at some stage,

If it was me i would tell my mum with my sister and work through it as a family, being compassionate to your dad and telling him to get help and restore the family.

You will be doing him a favour by stopping the lies goping on in your home, you might like to speak to a therapist for further guidance,

Good luck xx

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 04:45PM

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Where does he say he is going?

Does your mother question him?

Is it possible your Mother already knows and doesn't care?

We have another house, and she goes the odd time aswell. He has a few friends there and generally likes being alone anyway so it doesn't seem that odd. I never thought it was until I found out this.

My mum definitely would not be ok with it, I'm sure of that.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 04:53PM

seamus wrote: »

Although it's hard now, try to remember that this hasn't changed. He's not suddenly a "bad person" because you've found this out. He is still the Father to you and your siblings that he's always been.

However, obviously what you thought the relationship between himself and your mother was, has changed.

I would largely agree with the other posters. Tread carefully. Do NOT approach your mother with it. For all you know, they may actually have some form of agreement about this and/or she knows all about it and tolerates it. Running to her with it may cause a lot more problems than saying nothing to her.

However, you don't have to be burdened with it. I don't know how old you are, but I would suggest not having it directly out with your father, but suggesting to him in private re: deleting the history on the computer. At that point he may come clean to you.

It feels like it's all built on lies though. He has this perfect image, everyone thinks he is great. The girls on the site looked only barely older than myself and my friends. (I'm 18 btw) He is nearly 60. It's just sickening and wrong on so many levels.

I won't approach my mum, no. But there is no way she would agree to it.

I don't think he will even know that I've deleted the history? He seems to think the only form of history on a computer is the little google toolbar thing. What about blocking the site?

It's so hard not to let it burden me. I'm barely talking to him.

dudara · 24-04-2009 04:53PM

Just be sure that you're not adding 2 and 2 and getting 6.

You haven't caught him in flagrante delicto yet. I would be cautious about raising this issue with anyone until you know the details.

Additionally, I would state that your parents have a right to their own lives, outside their relationship with you, their child. I've seen a lot of posters come here over the years with a similar issue and lots of them find it very hard to accept their parent's sexuality and sexual desires.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 04:57PM

dudara wrote: »

Just be sure that you're not adding 2 and 2 and getting 6.

You haven't caught him in flagrante delicto yet. I would be cautious about raising this issue with anyone until you know the details.

Well I really do think I know all the details. The history has escort sites from our exact area, he goes away for weekends alone, I heard him on the phone arranging to meet a foreign woman who said she will be moving to her next location in 2 weeks.

Placebo · 24-04-2009 06:57PM

How exactly is it not his business? SERIOUSLY ! ridiculous
you need to talk to your dad, dont tell you mother. Tell him to deal with it.

Corkfeen · 24-04-2009 07:06PM

He might just be looking at the sites out of curiosity. I've came across those sites before but don't hire hookers. Phonecalls could be variety of things. But I myself wouldn't get involved tbh, if I was in same situation.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 07:07PM

Placebo wrote: »

How exactly is it not his business? SERIOUSLY ! ridiculous
you need to talk to your dad, dont tell you mother. Tell him to deal with it.

I'm a girl lol.

But ya, I really don't understand how it could not be my business.

To dudara,I have no problem accepting that my parents have desires. Them having sex with eachother is not an issue. I have a problem accepting that he is having sex with a prostitute, I have a problem that he is cheating, and that he is exposing himself to the risk of STIs while he's at it.

herya · 24-04-2009 07:11PM

dudara wrote: »

Additionally, I would state that your parents have a right to their own lives, outside their relationship with you, their child. I've seen a lot of posters come here over the years with a similar issue and lots of them find it very hard to accept their parent's sexuality and sexual desires.

But the OP has two parents, it's not like his/her single dad is having fun with escorts.

turgon · 24-04-2009 07:47PM

I think a lot depends on your relationship with your dad.

For example if I was in your situation I would probably do nothing. However if I found a friend of mine was cheating on his girlfriend/wife I would probably start a dialog to try and help out.

The other posters are right that it might not be any of your buisness. It depends on your motivation. Are you thinking of approaching him because your genuinely concerned about your Mother, or is it just because your sickened because its your dad? It kind of sounds like the latter OP. Whadaya think?

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 07:56PM

Going back a few years now but I used to call up escorts as I found it thrilling..... never met up with one.

Might that be the case with your dad?

Just a thought.

dudara · 24-04-2009 09:17PM

Unregistered wrote: »

To dudara,I have no problem accepting that my parents have desires. Them having sex with eachother is not an issue. I have a problem accepting that he is having sex with a prostitute, I have a problem that he is cheating, and that he is exposing himself to the risk of STIs while he's at it.

Again, I have to advise you that you don't know for certain that he is sleeping with other women. As other male posters have said, men often look around without ever doing anything. There is a good chance that you are right, but don't fully assume it just yet.

Best of luck with whatever happens.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 09:42PM

Placebo wrote: »

How exactly is it not his business? SERIOUSLY ! ridiculous
you need to talk to your dad, dont tell you mother. Tell him to deal with it.

I agree.
Stupidest comment Ive ever read on boards... thats its none of the op's business.
OF COURSE IT IS!!!

preilly79 · 24-04-2009 09:49PM

Unregistered wrote: »

...He goes away for weekends quite often too so I know that this is a definite.:(

you know very little, and are assuming a lot.

Unregistered wrote: »

What should I do?

nothing, he's a grown man and can make his own decisions.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 24-04-2009 09:52PM

If he's having sex with your mother and he's def sleeping with escorts he's putting her at serious risk of diseses that condoms don't fully protect against, namely genital warts and genital herpes. Also the virus that causes cervical cancer.

I think you should confront him, perhaps tell her he's looking at these sites and let her confront him. These aren't nice infections.

24-04-2009 10:07PM

OP, you sound very mature about the whole thing... but one very important thing to remember is that he isn't emotionally involved with these prostitutes. this isn't the same as a typical office affair.. he very likely still loves your mother but needs this sexual kick outside of their relationship.

i've nothing else to add except that and i'm not sure how you should deal with it but i do think it's an important point to remember.

herya · 24-04-2009 10:18PM

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, you sound very mature about the whole thing... but one very important thing to remember is that he isn't emotionally involved with these prostitutes. this isn't the same as a typical office affair.. he very likely still loves your mother but needs this sexual kick outside of their relationship.

That's a whole load of assumptions... We know nothing of his reasons and whom he's involved with or not.

OP I would go and talk to your father.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 10:59PM

How would your mother feel if she finds out you know and didn`t tell her? How would you feel? Would you want to know? chances are your alot like your mum so think about how you`d react and what you`d want.

Prostitution is not some victimless crime, it is wrong. A lot of the women are like you and me and forced into the sex trade lured here by agencies with the promise of a brighter future. If he was sleeping with someone who was volunterily sleeping with him I would be thinking about this another way but if it was my dad - i`d shop him tbh.

zxcvbnm1 · 24-04-2009 11:38PM

Unregistered wrote: »

keep out of it. it has nothing, repeat, NOTHING, to do with you. seriously. it's between your mum and your dad.

Sorry - i just had to rspond to this.

Probably one of themore stupid comments i have ever read.

A father is out shagging prostitutes and its got nothing to do with the children?

Ya right - whatever.

What iknd of notional bull**** is that?

LegacyUser · 25-04-2009 12:09AM

I think you have to tell your mother or at least confront your dad. He is putting your mother at serious risk of getting an sti. Thats just wrong

LegacyUser · 25-04-2009 08:50AM

preilly79 wrote: »

you know very little, and are assuming a lot.

nothing, he's a grown man and can make his own decisions.

That would be just fine if he was a grown single man.

username123 · 25-04-2009 09:41AM

Unregistered wrote: »

But ya, I really don't understand how it could not be my business.

To dudara,I have no problem accepting that my parents have desires. Them having sex with eachother is not an issue. I have a problem accepting that he is having sex with a prostitute, I have a problem that he is cheating, and that he is exposing himself to the risk of STIs while he's at it.

Someone elses relationship (even your parents), is not your business. Its not your responsibiliy to impose morals on anyone else. I understand that this is a difficult situation for you but it really is not your place to get involved.

You may have a problem that he is cheating, but he is not cheating on you - he is cheating on your mother. Its their relationship - not yours, his relationship with you as a father is unchanged.

You dont know for definite that anything is happening, you have some circumstantial evidence, but unless caught in the act it could all be smoke in the breeze. You have no idea if he is exposing himself to STIs either, if he is indeed hooking up with escorts then the nature of the transaction may be beyond what you are assuming and not something that would carry the possibility of contracting an STI.

However - this is a terrible burden for you to carry and given that, I would advise you to talk to a professional about it. I dont know what age you are, but could you speak to a counseller about this? (Is there one in school or one you could be referred to?).
Im not suggesting that there is something 'wrong' with you to speak to a counseller, but it may be helpful to you to speak to a professional to work through your emotions on this difficult subject before you decide to speak to a family member about it.

LegacyUser · 25-04-2009 10:07AM

username123 wrote: »

Someone elses relationship (even your parents), is not your business. Its not your responsibiliy to impose morals on anyone else. I understand that this is a difficult situation for you but it really is not your place to get involved.

You may have a problem that he is cheating, but he is not cheating on you - he is cheating on your mother. Its their relationship - not yours, his relationship with you as a father is unchanged.

You dont know for definite that anything is happening, you have some circumstantial evidence, but unless caught in the act it could all be smoke in the breeze. You have no idea if he is exposing himself to STIs either, if he is indeed hooking up with escorts then the nature of the transaction may be beyond what you are assuming and not something that would carry the possibility of contracting an STI.

However - this is a terrible burden for you to carry and given that, I would advise you to talk to a professional about it. I dont know what age you are, but could you speak to a counseller about this? (Is there one in school or one you could be referred to?).
Im not suggesting that there is something 'wrong' with you to speak to a counseller, but it may be helpful to you to speak to a professional to work through your emotions on this difficult subject before you decide to speak to a family member about it.

I totally disagree with this he is betraying the whole family, the truth has to come out and it doesnt really matter how it comes out, Everyone against the OP seem to be treating her like she is some stranger, it is a problem within the family and the two daughters feel strongly he did it, if they are mistaken so what they are concerned, it is better to risk being wrong than to carry on living with this hanging over the whole family, Get it all out in the open, the daughter know now its time for the father to fess up and put it right.

I would tell you mum OP and maybe do some family therapy, I could never live in a house and ignore a problem like this,

What about your relationship with your father if you have this hanging over you, of course this effects you and your sister, it is unfair of people to tell you to stay out of it, i really feel you should tell your mother.

My dad's cheating on my mum with prostitutes.

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