Reason to believe someone close is lying about an illness

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 08:47AM #1

I have very strong reasons for believing that someone very close to me is lying about a particular illness he is suffering from at the moment. I can't go into the details too much but track history and a couple of things (he won't let me visit in hospital, or wait with him, drop him there - and it's not out of my way at all. He also shows no symptoms or anything and is very sketchy on the details, hasn't mentioned it to anyone else, etc) lead me to believe that he's lying. I can't explain why, but I'm being given a hard time for not being sympathetic or supportive enough and it's really getting to me.

Obviously I'm not going to get the truth from him so is there another way that I can find out? I realise that I could be viewed wrongly here and could be told to just be a friend and offer the support required as everything listed above could be my friend just being private but this isn't the first time something like this has happened. This isn't a witch-hunt either - I want to help (if the illness is true) but can't get it out of my head.

carlybabe1 · 22-04-2009 10:50AM

Obviously you have your reasons for suspecting hes lying OP but try look at it this way, either way he has an illness, cause if hes making it up to get attention then thats an illness too, so he'll still need your help if it comes out hes fakin it. If he hasnt mentioned it to anyone else then whos givin you stick about not being supportive, and other than that google the illness

L31mr0d · 22-04-2009 10:58AM

Perhaps you could detail why you imagine he has motive to fabricate an illness? This individual could be a hypochondriac or suffering from some other psychosomatic manifestations.

star-pants · 22-04-2009 11:02AM

It could be an embarrassing illness? or one that he's ashamed of?
Has he told you what this illness is?

smileysurfer · 22-04-2009 11:21AM

What reason would he have to lie about having an illness?
Maybe he just doesnt want to tell you?
It might be something that he finds embarrassing, I suggest you back off and leave him alone , and I dont mean that in a bad way.
If wants help then he knows where to find it. you cant go behind his back and find out whats wrong with him if he doesnt want you to know.

sam34 · 22-04-2009 11:56AM

Ureg wrote: »

Obviously I'm not going to get the truth from him so is there another way that I can find out?

emm, you have no right to know whether or not he is sick, and what the nature of that illness is.

people can be very sensitive and private about their health and ill-health. you can only be as involved as he allows you to be.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 12:00PM

emm, you have no right to know whether or not he is sick, and what the nature of that illness is.

If it's a family member or a close friend, he has a right to know, if he's involved to the extent that he's giving him lifts etc he must be. If he's telling him it's something serious like cancer then of course the op has a right to know if he's making it up.

sam34 · 22-04-2009 12:31PM

Unregistered wrote: »

If it's a family member or a close friend, he has a right to know, if he's involved to the extent that he's giving him lifts etc he must be. If he's telling him it's something serious like cancer then of course the op has a right to know if he's making it up.

no, you do NOT have a right to know about anyone else's health. that is their confidential, private information. it is up to them who they disclose info to and how much/little they disclose.

people have a right to privacy and friends/family members do not have any right to violate that.

this is one of the fundamental principles of patient confidentiality - doctors cannot disclose info regarding a patient without their consent.

Miss Fluff · 22-04-2009 12:40PM

Ureg wrote: »

I realise that I could be viewed wrongly here and could be told to just be a friend and offer the support required as everything listed above could be my friend just being private but this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

What do you mean by that OP? Has your friend a track-record of making stuff up?

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 01:36PM

Thanks for the responses but I didn't post the question to hear whether what I'm questioning is wrong or not, just to find out whether I can find out through other means if this person is lying about the illness.

Just to give a bit of background and perhaps explain my motives, I've known this person for years. I've also known him to lie (in quite serious situations) regularly throughout this time. For example, we had a fling a few years back. It ended relatively peacefully but a couple of months after it ended he accused me of passing an STD to him, having been to a doctor to get checked up. I refuted, and even got myself checked out, receiving the all clear. When I spoke to him about this, he mentioned that he'd already been to the doctor and claimed that there had been some confusion and that it wasn't an STD but something much less serious. Now I firmly believe he did this because of us breaking up because he was not with anyone else in the two months after we split, but what could I do other than take his word.

So with this in mind, I have my reasons for being doubtful. And in case anyone is wondering, it's cancer he's claiming he's suffering from, so it's very serious. He doesn't even want to involve his parents, whom he's very close with. Anyway, the bottom line is that I need to know if something is not as it seems here.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 02:25PM

Hi,
I hope you don't mind me saying I've been through a serious illness in recent months. I'm only in my early 20's. I felt that I had to deal with this on my own that I couldn't dump it on my parents as I did before which lead to them being over-protective and not giving me any space to breathe!
Been honest it is scary going through something like this alone...but what I would say is give him space to breathe and it will be easier for him to open up. If things were like that for me I would have probably have said something, but saying that I know what I've been through in the past with family illnesses... I now suffer from depression as a result of my illness and I suppose my attitude to it...and can't open out to anyone even my councellor...
Basically. I'm trying to say well there might ot be anything wrong.. no one could really hazard a guess because we don't know the person...maybe just back off for a while let him know that your support is there if he feels like opening up about what's going on...it maybe nothing who knows...I would also discourage you from digging up from other people around him, a GP won't disclose any medical information anyway and I'm sure he would be annoyed to hear that you were at such at thing...
It's just going to take time,
All the best

cafecolour · 22-04-2009 02:58PM

Ureg wrote: »

Just to give a bit of background and perhaps explain my motives, I've known this person for years. I've also known him to lie (in quite serious situations) regularly throughout this time. For example, we had a fling a few years back. It ended relatively peacefully but a couple of months after it ended he accused me of passing an STD to him, having been to a doctor to get checked up. I refuted, and even got myself checked out, receiving the all clear. When I spoke to him about this, he mentioned that he'd already been to the doctor and claimed that there had been some confusion and that it wasn't an STD but something much less serious. Now I firmly believe he did this because of us breaking up because he was not with anyone else in the two months after we split, but what could I do other than take his word.

When I was a wee-un, I went to the doctor because I had suddenly gotten a cold sore, which I never had before. He told me it was actually just a pimple on my lip! Tho I would have never accused someone of giving it to me.

Though, if this is a guy you believe is really a compulsive liar, and intentionally lied about you giving him an STD - why are you still friends with him?

HarryD · 22-04-2009 03:12PM

I also know someone that lies about their personal health to get sympathy.
She once told how she was just informed she had cancer, which soon turned to a non-issue when some gossip about other friends came out.
Also lied about been pregnant..
Crazy what some people will do for attention.. They do get my sympathy for feeling they have to lie.. but I give em a wide berth.

R.D. aka MR.D · 22-04-2009 03:48PM

I've been lied to by a friend about having cancer. if you suspect it's not true then you really should question your friend a bit more. say something like oh i was reading an article about such and such and it says that such and such treatment does such and such thing. you should be able to gage by the resonse whats going on.

My advice is tell the person they need help and cut contact if you find out this is a lie. yesits a problem but i've found compulsive liars are just destructive in your life.

renraw · 22-04-2009 03:56PM

just read your post and I think I know where you're coming from. I had a freind about 3 years ago, tell me that 1: he had lung cancer (which turned out to be a lie) as I asked another of his friends if they had heard if he was ok and they looked at me like I had 2 heads because he was perfectly healthy. I eventually forgave him and put it down to stress. A few months late 2: He told me that his mother was after dying on an operating table (and by this stage I thought he needed a leg up because of the way his life was going). Needless to say I was gutted. Never, in a million years did I think that someone could be so callous and tell such a lie, but it was a lie...an evil one at that.

It wasn't until I rang his cousin and she told me his mother was alive and kicking. At this stage I confronted him and he said that he couldn't help it. He was a very sick individual who craved attention.

My advice to you is to try to meet a mutual friend and just ask if they know if you're friend is ok as you bring him to the hospital and he never talks about it. If your friend is lying, you will find out and if he is genuinely sick, he may have reasons not to talk to anyone about it.

Earthhorse · 22-04-2009 04:12PM

This is a tough one OP.

On the one hand, if he's telling the truth, it's a very serious matter in which he will need all the friendship and support he can get. On the other, if he is lying to manipulate you, for whatever reason, then that is also a very serious matter; an abuse of friendship and trust.

Given that you have no first hand information about it and that he is avoiding allowing you be involved I can understand your suspicion, particularly if he has proven to be unforthcoming in the past; changing his story after the facts.

Ureg wrote: »

I can't explain why, but I'm being given a hard time for not being sympathetic or supportive enough and it's really getting to me.

The best thing to do, I think, is to say this. When he accuses you of being unsupportive then tell him you would like to be but that he is shutting you out and that that is making it difficult to be supportive. If he tells you you've no right to know (and it's hard to disagree with that) then stick to your story; that it's difficult be supportive whilst he keeps you at a distance.

The idea of getting confirmation from another source seems like a non-runner to me. If no one else knows about this then you can't go to anyone about it, can you?

It's a tough one. Hope it all works out for the both of you.

Ann22 · 22-04-2009 04:38PM

sam34 wrote: »

no, you do NOT have a right to know about anyone else's health. that is their confidential, private information. it is up to them who they disclose info to and how much/little they disclose.

people have a right to privacy and friends/family members do not have any right to violate that.

this is one of the fundamental principles of patient confidentiality - doctors cannot disclose info regarding a patient without their consent.

Your health is your own business but what if there's nothing wrong with you??? I agree that it's totally wrong to tell a loved one you're suffering from a serious illness if there's nothing wrong with you at all. There are people who would lie about such a thing for attention. I strongly feel too that their families have a right to know there's nothing to be worrying about.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 22-04-2009 04:39PM

Might be hepatitis or HIV for all you know. Perhaps he made up the STD story so you'd get yourself tested. Wouldn't push him on it.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 05:29PM

Hi, I am a 26 month cancer survivor. While I felt that I looked normal, family and friends said that I did not (but they only told me recently!) I have seen people with cancer who did not look ill though. I do know that while I wanted most people to know about it sometimes I just wanted to be normal...maybe your friend is like that? Having said that there were a few cases of people making it up on some of the forums I was on, they had to guard against them. You are in a tough situation - in theory you could ask his family/another friend about it, but he may have chosen not to tell them plus you are breaking a trust. How much do you value the friendship? You could just get him to come to you for help when he wants it - I know that I had some amazing friends who were there for me like that and I am eternaly greatful.

LegacyUser · 22-04-2009 08:10PM

Who is giving you grief about not being supportive?

I don't see how your friend can make that claim if you are offering to visit in hospital or drop him at appointments. Those are very substantial ways in which you are being supportive.

Does he mean that you are not making him the centre of attention? That would sound suspicious.

If there is any doubt, and by that I mean, unless you are 100% sure that he is lying, you can't question him on it; you would feel horrible about it if he really is ill.

I would just continue making the concrete offers that you have been making and the truth willl eventually be clear. If it turns out that he is lying this time, cut him off.

kittenkiller · 23-04-2009 12:31PM

Morals aside....

Theoretically....

You could find out when he claims his next appointment is and call the hospital under the guise of his secretary and confirm the appointment as there seems to be a scheduleing issue and you'll need to work around it.

Possibly...

LegacyUser · 23-04-2009 01:14PM

Thanks to everyone for their responses, and particularly KittenKiller as it's a 'morals aside' answer I'm looking for. I'm going to try to ask some more questions that may provide more of a story and will try to arrange to drop in the next time he's due in hospital but if that won't work, would a solicitor have access to medical records or is it completely private for everyone? I know this is an extreme answer but if I'm not satisfied that I'm being told the truth, I have no way of finding out exactly what's going on.

LouOB · 23-04-2009 02:56PM

Just ask what doctor he is seeing
Wait until he goes in and ask at reception what dept Dr X is in etc
Bingo

If he is sick he will have real doc name
If not he will make one up on the spot

username123 · 23-04-2009 05:10PM

A solicitor will absolutely not have access to someones medical records unless for some reason they are using a faked illness for criminal purposes - such as insurance fraud or some kind of solicition (getting money from people because they are ill - con artist type of thing).

I have to say OP - with the small amount of information you have posted you are coming across as the crazy person in this situation!!! Wanting to know if a solicitor would get access to someones medical records for you? - Why?
Its not a family member. Its not someone you are in a romantic relationship with.
Are you being asked to pay for the treatment for this illness?
If this is just about you 'wanting' the truth then you need to step back and look at yourself and the reasons why you would even be involved in any kind of relationship/friendship with someone you clearly dont trust.

Anyway - moral rant over, and its a morals aside answer you are looking for.

If I thought someone was lying to me about having an illness and I really wanted the truth I would
(a) follow them to the next supposed appointment and see do they really go.
(b) if I knew the nature of the illness Id google the hospital directory of consultants and phone each ones rooms pretending I was trying to reschedule for my 'partner' and just keep acting confused about which consultant I am looking for.
(c) if I knew the illness required prescription medication and was familiar with what chemist my friend used Id pop in and pretend Id been asked to collect a prescription - again just acting confused if no prescription there.

But before I did any of the above Id raise my suspicions with the friend and say 'look - do you really have cancer because the way youre acting and stuff from the past has me wondering if its really true?'
If it is really true and they are upset at you questioning it just say you didnt want to believe it.

sam34 · 23-04-2009 05:20PM

Ureg wrote: »

would a solicitor have access to medical records or is it completely private for everyone? I know this is an extreme answer but if I'm not satisfied that I'm being told the truth, I have no way of finding out exactly what's going on.

jesus h christ. :eek: do you think you can walk into a solicitors and ask "will you find out if X really has cancer?"?

no, a solicitor would not have access to someones medical records, unless there is a medical negligence case ongoing, or a court report for insurance purposes etc.

even if the solicitor had this information, for the above reasons, they would categorically not be able to disclose this to you.

no member of the public can access anyone else's medical records.

no prefessional can access them on behalf of another random menber of the public.

you absolutely do not have a right to know this information.

it is up to your friend what he tells you.

CathyMoran · 23-04-2009 05:43PM

Ureg wrote: »

if that won't work, would a solicitor have access to medical records or is it completely private for everyone?

I can't imagine that they would - my husband was not allowed medical details when he was my fiance even though I wanted him to have them and he was visiting me every day in hospital, it only changed when we married and he became my next of kin! If you do not feel that you can trust your friend maybe you should reconsider your friendship?

LegacyUser · 23-04-2009 09:21PM

username123 wrote: »

I have to say OP - with the small amount of information you have posted you are coming across as the crazy person in this situation!!! Wanting to know if a solicitor would get access to someones medical records for you?

I get the feeling that the op doesnt really believe him but would feel guilty if it turned out he WAS telling the truth

Oryx · 24-04-2009 11:10AM

I agree op, that you are coming off a bit ocd on this. Involving solicitors just sounds a freaky thing to do. Why the big need to know? Is it that you want to go 'Aha! I caught you out!' cos you feel foolish for being had?

Unless you actually follow him to the door of the consulting room, you wont know whether he is going in, and unless you actually sit in on his consultation you wont know what illness he has.* Without being fully sure, if you confront him and he strongly denies it, you are back where you began, but with a busted friendship.

But to be honest, your friendship with him seems shaky either way. He has a history of lies, and you clearly dont trust him. It sounds like someone you need to keep more on an acquantance level. Without trust, trying to be anything more is wrecking your head.

*If you need absolutely to know, just insist (play the concerned friend card) on accompanying him. There is simply no other way to find out 100%.

username123 · 24-04-2009 04:06PM

Unregistered wrote: »

I get the feeling that the op doesnt really believe him but would feel guilty if it turned out he WAS telling the truth

I understand that, but if the friendship is based on such a level of mistrust it cannot be healthy for the OP.

In all seriousness, what kind of friendship is it that one party would consider hiring a solicitor to find out if the other party is lying to them? A bit extreme IMO.

Its hard to comment properly without understanding the OPs motive. If she is being solicited for money due to this illness or if she is changing her life to accomodate this illness then she is entitled to know if it is real or not. But if she just doesnt want to give emotional support in case its not real then one has to wonder at her motives for being involved with this person at all.

Its not healthy for someone to go around wanting to perform extreme actions like hiring solicitors to check if their friends are being honest with them before they offer those friends emotional support.

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 04:47PM

OP - I've been in a similar situation to you with someone who used to be a close friend. I eventually had to cut him out of my life because of the way he was abusing the friendship, manipulating me and lying to me about absolutely everything. I can understand why you want to know once and for all what the story is with him - I used to be up the walls with worry over my ex-friend and I put up with a lot of bull**** from him out of sympathy. So for that reason I can understand.

But - I think you're just going to have to try to take a step back and not get yourself wound up in knots worrying about him. He's a big boy, and cancer is very treatable. If indeed he is ill, then just trust that he has it under control and will ask for your help if he needs it. You've offered - that's all you can do. Try to disengage a bit, for the sake of your own health. If he is ill, then he's in good hands if he's attending hospital for it.

Reason to believe someone close is lying about an illness

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