Can you 'break-it-off' with your family?

Communicator · 20-04-2009 02:44PM #1

I'm seriously fed up with my "family". I've used inverted comma's for a reason - they don't act like any other family I've had the pleasure of meeting.
Parents are no longer around and my family are useless. No phonecalls, visits, interest or support of one another. It's like they just all get on with their own lives with little or no interest in each other, or me. They rarely have contact with each other. There are no family events (like birthdays or xmas or communions etc). No interaction with each other at all - well, a small amount but only because I tend to initiate it. Now and then, I 'test' them (to check on my paranoia) and I can honestly say that I'm not imagining their lack of interest in me or anyone for that matter. Btw, there are alot of us - 13 in total - mainly men - and I'm the third youngest.
I'm sure there are other families like mine similar but I really want to have little or no contact with them - forever. I'm sick of the constant rejection, the constant me making ALL the effort and getting nothing in return.
So, can you break it off with your family and emotionally detach from them? Like, it still hurts....

Das Kitty · 20-04-2009 02:56PM

Communicator wrote: »

So, can you break it off with your family

Seems like they've broken up with you!

emotionally detach from them? Like, it still hurts....

Yeah, if you make the decision not to try anymore. I think you're a bit confused as to what you want.

Communicator · 20-04-2009 03:02PM

They've also 'broken up' with each other - not just me.

I'm of a different generation to them I guess and see friends around me with great mothers and sisters and brothers - all holy communion 'dos' and get-togethers at christmas and other events.

I want that in my family, but I don't have it. So yes, I do try. But am I wrong for wanting a 'family'? I think not.

It just want to know if you detach from them - and get to the point where their lack of interest or lack of closeness to each other and me, doesn't bother you.

Das Kitty · 20-04-2009 03:07PM

You're not wrong for wanting that.

However you can't force them all to want the same thing as you. To keep with your analogy, they've broken up the relationship but you still want in, maybe it's time to cut your losses and instill the idea of a close family in your own kids (if you have any now or in the future). I think a lot of it is providing for your family what you wish you had and the idea of everyone being close is a lovely thing to pass on.

I'm not hugely close with my family but I would like to think that any kids I might have would have a close knit relationship with one another. I'm not going to chase that for myself with people who don't want it though.

Communicator · 20-04-2009 03:11PM

Yes I have kids and I think this really hit home when I saw their lack of interest in my kids also. You're right, I've always hankered after a close family - never had it though. Doing alot of soul-searching these days and this is one of the issues that keeps cropping up...
Why does it still bother me so much?
The rest of them just seem to get on with it and are happy not to give a cr*p about each other.
I on the other hand, care about some of them and try to keep a relationship with them because I have fond memories of when I was younger and they were my 'big' brothers or sisters.
So how do I get to the point where I stop caring?

Das Kitty · 20-04-2009 03:21PM

You don't stop caring about them, you just stop caring whether they show an interest in your life or not.

As you say there is an age gap and I would imagine it's not that they don't care for you or love you, but it's just the way they are. Now I don't see my family too often but I have no doubt that if something really serious happened that they would help me out, and I them. Our family was quite unaffectionate and I have to say I can remember each and every time I have hugged any of them, and that was only twice with one of them! Still know they love me though.

Communicator · 20-04-2009 03:24PM

Ah so that begs the question what is love in a family???

Because if love is (some of) them helping me out in a crisis, then yes, they love me. But it has to be a REAL crisis.

But if love is a phone call or text message once a year to see if we're dead or alive, then there ain't no love coming my way!!!

I dunno - I'm truly blessed in other ways - great friends, amazing kids etc. I should probably read some of them self-help books about how you break emotional ties from childhood.

Das Kitty · 20-04-2009 03:30PM

Only those who love you will help you out in a real crisis.

I wouldn't be sweating it over the phonecalls or text messages. Sure if I based my concept of love on that I'd be in love with my Vodafone Care Representative!

Count your blessings.

Latchy · 20-04-2009 03:31PM

The old saying goes '' you can choose your friends but you cant choose your family '' .

I can understand what your saying OP ,if the others also have married , moved on and had familys of there own then that original closeness you had as a kid will disappear.That is common in many families to . You will never stop caring OP ,not as long as you have memories of your time as children and they most likely they feel the same .But circumstances in their own lifes ,with their own familys ie husbands /wifes / children /Careers will be more important to them now . I see and talk to some members of my own family more than others and I know what it's like to feel ' you' are the one who always has to make the first move and effort .But as previous poster said ,it makes me appriciate my own children first .Living in four seperate countries doesn't help and while I have managed to bridge a gap and have a close relationship with some family members ,there are others whom I can honestly say I am not in any hurry to see again .

cowzerp · 20-04-2009 03:34PM

all families are different and yours just dont do the affection thing, that does not mean they dont love you, men tend to be like that more than women anyway and you said your family has many men.

Communicator · 20-04-2009 03:37PM

Can I just say that even writing this stuff down has helped me immensely and I really appreciate the replies.

Yes I get what you're saying Latchy - their lives have taken over, as has mine. Perhaps it's because I'm a woman and most of them are men. For instance, we no longer have a 'family' home so there's no base to meet - but I know that alot of them are close to their wives families. That's probably down to the fact that their wives make more of an effort with their families than they do.

So where does that leave me???? I try to make the effort....do you know what, as I'm writing this I'm realising how needy I'm sounding. And I'm embarrassed. Here I am, trying to continue a relationship with these people, when they're not that interested!!!!

Perhaps I'll just hold onto my memories and focus on my own family more instead of dwelling on my 'first' family and their lack of interest in me and mine.

Das Kitty · 20-04-2009 03:41PM

Ah you're being a bit hard on yourself. You all love one another, you just wish it could be shown a bit more nothing to be embarrassed about. I often get the urge to bear hug my eldest brother, but I don't because I know he would find it weird!

I have a running joke, that I never see or hear from my brothers unless they want something!

Communicator · 20-04-2009 03:49PM

Same as me!

Do you know though, it's not even a hug or any form of a physical demonstration I'm looking for.

I just don't want to care about them anymore, so that when I make the efforts I make, and I am rejected, it won't hurt.

Does that make sense? I want to get angry and say 'Right, that's it, I'm not trying to keep in touch with so-and-so anymore because he really doesn't give a cr*p about me' and to really, really believe that, and for it not to affect me.

In other words, I want to be like them. I just want to get on with my own life and not allow them to hurt me anymore. By the way, they are not even aware that they are hurting me!!!!! Because of course, they're men!!

cowzerp · 20-04-2009 03:57PM

Men can go 20 years without seeing each other and still be like best mates when they meet up, women dont tend to be like that-women are better at the whole social thing and thats why families are built around strong women..

if you leave it to us men it wont get done!! like buying pressies, my missus does all that because my in built pre dertemined genes not letting me!! you get what i mean..

Latchy · 20-04-2009 04:01PM

Nothing to be embarrassed about Communicator .In my case the balance was more 50/50 ie, 3 brothers / 3 sisters , Me being the youngest male

Like you ,we have no origianl family base as we moved ( reluctantly ) from our childhood home as kids and the house that is now considered ' The family home ' is owned by a distant family member, who has a warped sense of what family togetherness is all about ( he is not married and doesn't look like it will happen either

) .
Like when we original brothers and sisters are together we are fine .But this one persons presence tends make us want to leave as soon as possible when we are there.

What about your sisters ....can you not bond with them ?

It must be hard having so many male members in a family and you are in the minority .

Communicator · 20-04-2009 04:02PM

I get exactly what you mean cowzerp!!!

anyway, thanks for the replies today guys...was mulling this over in my head and thinking, if my family were a boyfriend, I'd dump them.

Seems it's not as easy with blood relations though!!

Reflector · 21-04-2009 02:47PM

Hi Communicator,
I am from a big family of 8 children and I know that the only reason that we are close at all is that I have four sisters. If it was up to us guys we'd hardly see eachother at all. The girls really make an effort and I am grateful for that. This is why I think that your comment of the family being mostly men is very relevant.

I find that I am closer to the siblings below me and above me who are both sisters. Maybe you could try and create a little pod of a few of you who meet up every two weeks/month for lunch dinner or just deal with individually and not as a unit, try and have a single relationship with them and just keep it between the two of you, at least it wouldn't take as much organising and then when it comes to organising the rest of the family it'll be less of a big deal as there'll be a few to talk about and help organise. I know that I wouldn't like to break-it-off from my family as blood is thicker than water and family should always be there for eachother.

Communicator · 21-04-2009 02:50PM

Ah but you see, that's where we differ because in my family, blood is most certainly NOT thicker than water!!

Yes there are mainly men - but even my sisters who are a generation older than me, don't and never have made an effort with each other, or my brothers!!!

I often thought I was adopted because I am so different to them in actually WANTING a family of sorts!

Communicator · 21-04-2009 02:50PM

Btw...I'm not adopted...I've checked:(

dreamlogic · 21-04-2009 04:03PM

If your sisters are a generation older than you then you can't know for sure whether or not they were close in the past...

Another thought is that if your parents had a distant relationship with each other or kept to themselves a lot, then it's possible that your older siblings picked up on this. Often the habits or ways of relating to people that we develop as adults can be traced to what we learned by observing our parents, a lot of it unconscious.
Okay I know this probably doesn't help you either way, but sometimes understanding background can help us deal with or accept a situation for what it is.

username123 · 21-04-2009 04:05PM

Communicator - Ive broken it off with my family. For a long time now.

Background of alcoholism in the family, my alcoholic father was constantly talking to/not talking to various siblings of his - I dont really know any cousins from his side because as a result of his behaviour we didnt mix with them as kids much (not by choice you know - just he was always on one high horse or another). Then a lot of bad blood over his alcoholism later on caused me to pull back from any contact with anyone on his side as they were vicious towards me personally.

On my mums side she only had 1 sister who stayed in touch, her other siblings stayed away over the alcoholism in the home. I do keep in touch with that one aunt but dont know her kids that well (they are a lot older than me and live quite far away), mostly dont know her kids for same reason as above - my father wouldnt allow mixing when we were kids.

So both parents dead now (I was estranged before they died) and for immediate family I only have one sibling and I have totally broken off that relationship on any personal level (we do speak to each other re the estate of our parents but its literally business calls).

I tried to maintain a proper relationship with my brother but he just was never interested in how I was, is a mess himself because he hasnt dealt with any of the issues of growing up in an alcoholic family, and hurt me on many occasions and it came to a point where his behaviour was so similiar to my fathers (without actually drinking though) that I just realised for my own mental health and wellbeing that I couldnt maintain a relationship with him.

So thats me - totally estranged from any family member except 1 aunt.

It used to bother me, but then the group therapy (Alanon) I go to helped me deal with it. It doesnt bother me at all now.

I do not believe that blood is thicker than water, in my own experience its been family members who have behaved most horrendously towards me and never been there for me when I needed them and friends who have behaved like family 'should'.

Latchy · 21-04-2009 04:12PM

If your mother wasn't the maternal type and both parents didn't show much physical affection ( or any affection at all ) this can be passed onto the children , who then might have trouble expressing or showing it to their other brothers / sisters / friends .

Although I suspect many people who were starved of affection as children themselfs will try not to repeat this cycle with their own children .

Communicator · 21-04-2009 04:13PM

You've struck a chord with me...alot of alcohol in my family too (I almost thought you were my brother there for a minute!!) as my father was a heavy drinker and alot of the brothers would drink and there were arguments etc etc....
So group therapy could help?
You're so right - it's only my family who hurt me - I've wonderful friends

Overheal · 21-04-2009 04:27PM

Well, when my stepmom died, it had similar consequences, Comm. My Dad lost his justification for staying in Ireland, and moved back to the States. My Stepbrothers lost their justification for living in Clare, and moved to Portlaiose with their Dad, and I quickly lost many of my own justifications for living there. Parents are quite the family anchors arent they.

I don't talk with her family. I occassionaly drop a hello to my closest stepbrother and get a shout back, but you know ye can only do so much. They'll still always be family to you, and you to them. I'm not worried about losing all contact with them. In comparison I have some uncles and cousins I havent spoken with in years, you know?

How long has it been like this? How long have your parents been gone?

I guess everyone needs time to heal. You might try to tread your own life, for a while. Then when enough time has passed and you hear a little chatter, it might then be time to arrange a reunion - don't try and force one on them. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder. It could take months or years. You only need to maintain a mailing address and a phone number for each of them. When the time is right thats all you'll need to call on them.

Meanwhile, just keep the "See you in a while" attitude and go do your own thing.

username123 · 21-04-2009 04:37PM

Communicator wrote: »

You've struck a chord with me...alot of alcohol in my family too (I almost thought you were my brother there for a minute!!) as my father was a heavy drinker and alot of the brothers would drink and there were arguments etc etc....
So group therapy could help?
You're so right - it's only my family who hurt me - I've wonderful friends

Thats why I posted it - Ive seen some of your other posts and recognise some things youve said both on this thread and before as similar to stuff in my life - I was gonna post it unreg but then I just figured 'what the hell - Ive nothing to hide'.

The thing about alcoholism is that its a family disease and it spreads its tentacles out and affects people throughout families in ways that you wouldnt even realise are connected to the alcoholism.

Group therapy definitely helps. It brought up issues for me that I wasnt even aware of - like that Id hear other people mention various difficulties in relationships with family and Id be like 'thats the same as me!!!' - over time the penny dropped with me that a LOT of things I hadnt ever connected with the alcoholism were in fact influenced by it in one way or another.

Even small things like me being a (possibly) anal over achiever - its linked to me always wanting to be a people pleaser because of my background.
Or why I always seem to be the dumping ground for other peoples problems - Im a 'fixer' because of my background as well.
Family relationships are an obvious link - but I wasnt aware of how similar my family was to other families with alcohol problems til I started the group therapy.
Or how I have difficulty settling down after a row with someone and I just want to cut them out of my life forever. Its not that I mind saying sorry but I 'learned' that the correct reaction to a row was to just cut the person off and not deal with it.

All of the above are issues that I have to work on in everyday life - and the group therapy gently guides me in how to do that. And all of them are a result of what I was exposed to growing up. Theres loads more - Im a classic ACOA (Adult Child Of Alcoholic) - any of the textbooks on the subject have lists of characteristics that 'may' apply to an ACOA - they ALL apply to me

But recognising there are issues to work on is half the battle - it was Alanon that showed me how to put the focus on myself and start dealing with all of this stuff.

*Edited to add*
Im not saying any of the other issues are relevant to you - just to illustrate that the family relationship thing was one of many for me that turned out to be related to my background - but I didnt know until Id explored myself and my background through group therapy.

3greenrizla's · 22-04-2009 01:41PM

Hi Communicator,

from what i have read i think you don't really want to split up with your family, and that you actually want to have more of a connection with them.

If this is the case i would suggest arranging a family holiday.

a holiday is a great way to reconnect a family and can be done fairly easily.
Rent an apartment for a couple of weeks somewhere that is easy to get to with regular cheap flights. this way people can come out just for a few days or however long they want - very useful if anyone decides to come out last minute and sleep on the couch/floor.

If you do decide to have a holiday it is important to remember that a holiday is supposed to be relaxing, and stress free. Get in touch with the siblings you are closest to first and decide when and where you want to go. I would suggest somewhere like Alicante in September or (what we do) skiing in February (we go to Germany).

once you have a rough destination/dates then put it to everyone in the family - remember this is stress free, if someone doesn't want to go or can't go that is up to them and you have quite a large family so I would imagine there will be a good few that won't go. Even if only 2/3 of you go this year, more will go next year.

also it is important to point out before you go, that you are all individuals. if someone wants to spend the week.... in the pub/on the beach/going for walks/on the slopes/going to museums/shopping, that is up to them, it does not mean anyone else has to do it (i think this applies when you travel with anyone - it is your holiday too).

Travelling with someone gives you a great chance to catch up, it has really helped me and my 2 brothers(& partners) stay close.

Das Kitty · 22-04-2009 01:58PM

3greenrizla's wrote: »

Hi Communicator,

from what i have read i think you don't really want to split up with your family, and that you actually want to have more of a connection with them.

If this is the case i would suggest arranging a family holiday.

a holiday is a great way to reconnect a family and can be done fairly easily.
Rent an apartment for a couple of weeks somewhere that is easy to get to with regular cheap flights. this way people can come out just for a few days or however long they want - very useful if anyone decides to come out last minute and sleep on the couch/floor.

If you do decide to have a holiday it is important to remember that a holiday is supposed to be relaxing, and stress free. Get in touch with the siblings you are closest to first and decide when and where you want to go. I would suggest somewhere like Alicante in September or (what we do) skiing in February (we go to Germany).

once you have a rough destination/dates then put it to everyone in the family - remember this is stress free, if someone doesn't want to go or can't go that is up to them and you have quite a large family so I would imagine there will be a good few that won't go. Even if only 2/3 of you go this year, more will go next year.

also it is important to point out before you go, that you are all individuals. if someone wants to spend the week.... in the pub/on the beach/going for walks/on the slopes/going to museums/shopping, that is up to them, it does not mean anyone else has to do it (i think this applies when you travel with anyone - it is your holiday too).

Travelling with someone gives you a great chance to catch up, it has really helped me and my 2 brothers(& partners) stay close.

Going on her previous experience, I doubt they'll go for it and she'll just be left disappointed again.

3greenrizla's · 22-04-2009 02:39PM

Das Kitty wrote: »

Going on her previous experience, I doubt they'll go for it and she'll just be left disappointed again.

I wouldn't expect everyone to go for it, as everyone has different priority's and commitments, that is why I said it is no harm if only 2 or 3 go, it would bring those who went closer, give them a shared experience and hopefully encourage more to go next year. I actually think it would be better if a small group went on the first year, because it would be less hectic.

out of 12 siblings I would be very surprised if there was no interest, and if there is absolutely no interest the OP has lost nothing by suggesting it casually.

Of course I could be very wrong & it could be a disaster, but it has worked for us.

Babooshka · 22-04-2009 02:45PM

username123 wrote: »

Communicator - Ive broken it off with my family. For a long time now......

.....Or how I have difficulty settling down after a row with someone and I just want to cut them out of my life forever. Its not that I mind saying sorry but I 'learned' that the correct reaction to a row was to just cut the person off and not deal with it.

quote]

Hi username, and Communicator.

Username you've struck a big chord with me too as I've experienced very similar stuff, which all goes back to communicator's question in the OP. Do you really think ...(and I know you say it's conditioning and it's a learned behaviour but everyone has that, whether they're from an alcoholic background or not, but yes reactions when you come from such a tense background can be extreme at times) ...anyway, d'you think that, as an adult now, that it's a good thing to do to break it off with your family. Is it because of feeling let down by them? I'm not coming at you with my questions from a moral standing at all so please don't take it that way. I am just asking you if it has made you feel better in your life.

One person in particular in my family has excommmunicated me (cut me off, because of a row) and although I swing from being upset to angry to overwhelmed and devestated, I wish it wasn't like this but I offered an olive branch that's long withered without it being accepted. I still find it heartbreaking but I've done as much as I'm going to and I always feel as though I'm being very harshly judged, attacked and bullied when I do attempt any kind of communication with this person. In a way I should be happy there's no more contact, but I'm still upset about it and wish it wasn't so, if only to have peace and not feel the passive bad vibes through a million miles of silence.

@ Communicator....In relation to others in my family I've often felt like breaking it off but it's just impossible and at the end of the day, whether I feel let down by them or not, they're my family and I'd feel too lonely not even to say hello every now and then. I constantly felt let down by them throughout childhood but now I just see that they all had stuff going on I don't even know about and any time I get with them now, an hour generally does me. I wouldn't want any closer because never having been closer when younger, it'd freak me out a bit anyway. But, when I think of some people suffering abuse far worse I do take some comfort in it. I'm not trying to patronise you there at all. I've felt more isolated in a fairly big family than I would have felt support, but I don't think it's very unique, I think most people would say their friends are "better" than their family when it comes to support, and I think in general, (this is not toward you personally at all) that people can expect too much especially from siblings, I'm guilty of it anyway, and I inevitably ended up disappointed.

I dunno what the answer is, it's just a very strong theme in my life in last few years too and my background has very similar themes to both of yours.

Communicator · 22-04-2009 02:52PM

With all due respect to the poster who said we should go on holidays together. MOST of them won't even drop up to my house and I live 5 minutes away!!! There is not a hope that any one of them would have the money or the interest and the very thoughts of a holiday with them is almost stressing me out here!!!! Sorry, that might work for some but would definitely not be an option for me! Keeping in mind that we don't get together for birthdays, anniversaries etc - there was even a recent wedding in the family and 3 or 4 of them were invited (not me) and they didn't even sit together. Honestly, it's family dysfunction at it's best.

Good point babooshka about me probably not really wanting to 'break if off' with them - I probably don't - I just don't want to feel the constant rejection from them anymore and I likened it to having a boyfriend and if it were my boyfriend, I'd break it off with him and be over it in a few months! Probably too simplistic I know.

Babooshka · 22-04-2009 03:07PM

Communicator wrote: »

it's family dysfunction at it's best.

Good point babooshka about me probably not really wanting to 'break if off' with them - I probably don't - I just don't want to feel the constant rejection from them anymore and I likened it to having a boyfriend and if it were my boyfriend, I'd break it off with him and be over it in a few months! Probably too simplistic I know.

...Well, I know what you mean about the dysfunction. And yes, I wouldn't let a stranger treat me the way my nearest and dearest have but then that's pecking order sometimes and it's all a bit one flew over the cuckoos nest. I find though that having one brother that I can laugh with alleviates it from time to time, and laughter is a very good defence for the immune system too! We're a all a bit batsh*t to be honest but then who isn't?

Can you 'break-it-off' with your family?

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