Reaching out to people you've crashed into and hurt

turgon · 20-04-2009 11:34AM #1

About 6 months ago I was the cause of a pretty serious head-on car collision, in which I broke my ankle, another girl broke her collarbone, and a man in the car I crashed into broke his hip. Both cars were "written off."

I received a letter today from the injuries assessment boards detailing the claim against me. It gave me the details of the mans injuries and his address etc.

I was obviously driving like a ****tard at the time (apparently I was airborne coming over the hill, I don't remember), and I feel real sad for all the hurt I caused to him. It was a highly serious injury (the first night in hospital a nurse came up to me and told me there was a possibility he wouldn't walk again).

So, in a situation like this, is it ethical or whatever to write a personal letter to the person involved outlining how sorry you feel about the whole thing? I was thinking I would do this maybe after the claim was wrapped up.

You see some people might react badly to a letter like that, whereas others might be appreciative. What ye think?

prinz · 20-04-2009 11:41AM

turgon wrote: »

About 6 months ago I was the cause of a pretty serious head-on car collision, in which I broke my ankle, another girl broke her collarbone, and a man in the car I crashed into broke his hip. Both cars were "written off."

I received a letter today from the injuries assessment boards detailing the claim against me. It gave me the details of the mans injuries and his address etc.

I was obviously driving like a ****tard at the time (apparently I was airborne coming over the hill, I don't remember), and I feel real sad for all the hurt I caused to him. It was a highly serious injury (the first night in hospital a nurse came up to me and told me there was a possibility he wouldn't walk again).

So, in a situation like this, is it ethical or whatever to write a personal letter to the person involved outlining how sorry you feel about the whole thing? I was thinking I would do this maybe after the claim was wrapped up.

You see some people might react badly to a letter like that, whereas others might be appreciative. What ye think?

If you do go ahead it after the claim etc has been settled and forward it to his solicitor and not him directly. That way the solicitor can ask whether or not he wants it.

On an aside, nothing you do is going to make him feel much better. This seems much more of an issue for you to make yourself feel better and not about the victim here at all. You deserve to feel like crap.

Oh The Humanity · 20-04-2009 11:41AM

Its a fine line.

Like you say some people might never want to hear from you at all, but others might find it helps them to heal.

I think if it was me that was hurt I would be comforted to know the person who caused the crash had realised the mistake they made and was so very sorry and remorseful for what happened. Ok it doesn't turn back the clock but the person will feel at least you tried to apologise.

Sometimes an apology can mean so much. I am sure you yourself are devastated at what happened.....

Twitter · 20-04-2009 12:03PM

I think it's a very nice gesture.

I think you're being a bit harsh, Prinz....I think you've probably got your wish in that the OP does feel crap. That's not the issue. All that was requested was opinions as to the appropriateness of an apology.

Obviously, as you've said, OP, any apology should be sent after all legal matters etc have been resolved. I do agree with Prinz's point about going through a third party so the victim has the option of refusing your letter if he so wishes.

I think there's another step you could take to derive all the possible good you can from this whole mess. Lots of schools do stuff about road safety, particularly with transition year students. Would you think about speaking to some students to try to impress upon them the awfulness of any accident, even one where nobody is killed? You may say something that resonated with even one of them sometime they're behind the wheel.....

You don't deserve to feel crap about this for the rest of your life. Ask for forgiveness from the person you injured. Then let it go. If you don't get a good response, don't let that make you bitter towards him. I trust you'll drive responsibly in future, and hopefully you'll never endure/cause similar misery again. Forgive yourself x

LegacyUser · 20-04-2009 12:11PM

OP,

Did you forward details of the claim to your insurance company? If so, they will handle all matters on your behalf. It is understandable that you want to reconcile or apologise for your actions, but your insurance company will not see it like that. Especially if you admit that the accident was your fault, as such a letter could be used in any court proceedings brought against you. Also your insurance company, after investigations, may feel that there are issues of contributory negligence (i.e. that the injured parties were to some extent resonsible for the accident). I think you would be better advised to not write any letters or try contact anybody until the legal matters are resolved after that then it is a matter for you to decide whether it is appropriate in the circumstances.

CDfm · 20-04-2009 12:13PM

I agree that it is right to feel remorseful.

However, the claim is being handled by the board and will be managed by your insurance company so it is really not appropriate just now. In fact, it may even be counterproductive while the claim is being processed and presumably their are driving charges also pending.

This is a matter to discuss with your solicitor but I would be inclined to wait until liability and court cases finish before making any such approach.

I am with Prinz here you deserve to feel crap and awful about this -you really do.

Amazotheamazing · 20-04-2009 12:17PM

Is there a case of dangerous driving pending against you? Is your insurance company contesting the PIAB process? You've left this guy with injuries that will take years to get over, if he can ever get over them, I'm sure he'd like to know you're sorry for what you've done to him, but I suspect the really reason you want to write to him is to assuage your own guilt.

Courts like to see people have remorse for their actions though, so your solicitor will probably recommend you write something.

prinz · 20-04-2009 12:23PM

Twitter wrote: »

You don't deserve to feel crap about this for the rest of your life.

It's a pity that the OP wasn't thinking along those lines when he was driving. A hip injury especially is never going to be gone forever. The victim here will be feeling the effects for the rest of their life.

Miss Fluff · 20-04-2009 12:26PM

It would be really inappropriate now if there is a case or any kind of proceedings pending. I do think it's a nice gesture though and it seems pretty heartfelt. The injured man may want to put it all behind him so don't bank on a reply but if you are genuinely remourseful then of course you should be allowed to apologise.

CDfm · 20-04-2009 12:28PM

Miss Fluff wrote: »

It would be really inappropriate now if there is a case or any kind of proceedings pending. I do think it's a nice gesture though and it seems pretty heartfelt. The injured man may want to put it all behind him so don't bank on a reply but if you are genuinely remourseful then of course you should be allowed to apologise.

He also might want to inflict similar injuries on you.

paperclip2 · 20-04-2009 12:32PM

If you have to do it then send it to his solicitor via your own. Dont expect a positive outcome though. Just make damn sure you never, ever behave like a class-A f**ker on the road again. Thats really the best thing you can do.

localhothead · 20-04-2009 12:36PM

hopefully they sue the shirt off your back , an apology from an idiot who nearly crippled or killed you is no consolation -

if you had slipped on ice or something maybe , it would be acceptable

Lex Luthor · 20-04-2009 12:37PM

I think its a good gesture, but yes wait until after the settlement and forward through the solicitor. I believe everyone deserves a second chance and take responsibility for their actions.

It really doesn't matter for you how they react. If they don't like what they read, then you have to accept that.

turgon · 20-04-2009 01:00PM

Twitter wrote: »

Would you think about speaking to some students to try to impress upon them the awfulness of any accident, even one where nobody is killed?

Thanks Twitter for your extremely kind reply. What you have mentioned has never occurred to me, but now that Ive taken a year out from education following the accident it occurs to me as something very appropriate to do. Thanks.

CDfm wrote: »

I agree that it is right to feel remorseful .... I am with Prinz here you deserve to feel crap and awful about this -you really do.

I think the whole purpose of starting this thread was to show that I do in fact feel remorseful, and the question I am asking is whether or not I should share those feeling with the man I injured.

Amazotheamazing wrote: »

Is there a case of dangerous driving pending against you?

The Garda involved said that he would recommend a fine to his superior, but that there was a possibility of being charged for "driving with undue care" or at the worst "careless driving". He said I would hear back from them shortly after Christmas but I am still waiting. The fact that I co-operated fully with the Gardai and had a full typed statement made out prior to my interview with them was mentioned.

I know when all ye people read about people like me on some internet forum your first intention is to just slander me and wish that I be sued, etc. Ye say that I should feel remorse. Well to be honest, if any of you have been in a situation like mine ye would realize that its impossible not to feel remorse. Every letter you get in the post about the accident is a kick in the balls, and even just thinking about it at night in bed is a big no no, because I cant sleep in a pool of sweat, personally.

mandysmithers · 20-04-2009 01:07PM

I'm just curious, ok, you feel remorse now, but what were you thinking while you were driving so dangerously? Did it not enter your head at all how risky it was to be driving at such a speed that you were actually airborne?!!!

I think if you decide to send a letter, it's good advice to send it through the 2 solicitors. It might make some difference to the victim.

CDfm · 20-04-2009 01:07PM

OP - really this is all about how you feel and really does nothing about the victim.

At the risk of being in really bad taste & you dont seem to have any understanding of his injuries-what if he ended up with sexual performance injuries. How can you apologise for that?

prinz · 20-04-2009 01:08PM

turgon wrote: »

I was obviously driving like a ****tard at the time (apparently I was airborne coming over the hill, I don't remember), and I feel real sad for all the hurt I caused to him. I was thinking I would do this maybe after the claim was wrapped up.
What ye think?

Sorry but reading your post, the first thing I got was a feeling a light-hearted attitude "apparently I was airborne I don't remember", wtf? and of clinical disinterest in the whole thing "after the claim was wrapped up",as if it was a bother to you.

Second, that you're feeling sorry for yourself and writing this letter would make you feel better, not the other guy.

turgon · 20-04-2009 01:24PM

CDfm wrote: »

At the risk of being in really bad taste & you dont seem to have any understanding of his injuries-what if he ended up with sexual performance injuries. How can you apologise for that?

I wouldn't and couldn't apologize for specific injuries, rather, that the whole incident occurred.

prinz wrote: »

Sorry but reading your post, the first thing I got was a feeling a light-hearted attitude "apparently I was airborne I don't remember", wtf?

I came over the top of the hill, "blacked out", and woke up drenched in blood a few seconds after. I dont remember the actual collision.

prinz wrote: »

clinical disinterest in the whole thing "after the claim was wrapped up",as if it was a bother to you.

Im sorry that you feel I have this attitude, but I honestly dont. Its a very touchy subject, and I think the fact that I am thinking of doing this would mean I have an interest? Its kind of hard to open up about how you slammed into a car and broke a mans hip.

prinz wrote: »

Second, that you're feeling sorry for yourself and writing this letter would make you feel better, not the other guy.

That a fair point. The way I see it is that I did something hugely wrong, and that the onus on me is to apologize for doing that?

That Girl.. · 20-04-2009 01:24PM

Seriously guys the OP isn't lookin for a lecture here. I'm sure that the OP knows they've done wrong and are payin for it everyday since the accident.

OP in reply to your question I agree with other posters in saying go through the solicitor with the letter. And make sure you do wait till after the claim as you don't want him to think you're tryin to get out of it or whatever.

Sorry for your misfortunes OP.

prinz · 20-04-2009 01:33PM

That Girl.. wrote: »

Sorry for your misfortunes OP.

What misfortune would that be?

That he didn't kill someone else or himself due to his own stupidity? He should consider himself lucky, he's been steeped in good fortune, more than he deserves tbh.

EDIT: Remember this might not be welcomed by the victim here. Perhaps he doesn't want an apology, then what you're doing is making things worse for this guy.

If you do write a letter for him, my advice is have someone else write it. I'm just not feeling the sincerity so far.

That Girl.. · 20-04-2009 01:43PM

prinz wrote: »

What misfortune would that be?

That he didn't kill someone else or himself due to his own stupidity? He should consider himself lucky, he's been steeped in good fortune, more than he deserves tbh.

Emm clearly his misfortune is that he had an accident and injured someone else. Its hardly goodluck?? And I'm not sayin what the OP did was right but accidents happen, everyone knows that. Sometimes we don't fully pay the attention we should be while driving, well I know I don't.

prinz · 20-04-2009 01:46PM

That Girl.. wrote: »

Emm clearly his misfortune is that he had an accident and injured someone else. Its hardly goodluck?? And I'm not sayin what the OP did was right but accidents happen, everyone knows that. Sometimes we don't fully pay the attention we should be while driving, well I know I don't.

That wasn't misfortune that was self-inflicted stupidity. Him causing said "accident" has nothing to do with fortune.

And as for you, thanks for that, really feel safer on the roads knowing you're out there somewhere, waiting to repeat the stupidity shown above.

That Girl.. · 20-04-2009 01:58PM

prinz wrote: »

And as for you, thanks for that, really feel safer on the roads knowing you're out there somewhere, waiting to repeat the stupidity shown above.

Grow up.. You obviously don't drive and if you do i'm sorry i'm not perfect like you.

Anyway OP i think you have your answer here so goodluck if you choose to go ahead with it.

turgon · 20-04-2009 02:03PM

prinz wrote: »

And as for you, thanks for that, really feel safer on the roads knowing you're out there somewhere, waiting to repeat the stupidity shown above.

If your going to be insulting people here please reserve for it me.

Prinz, the accident was 6 months ago. Ive had all the scare and bad emotions that one gets with these things. Now after such a time Im more clear headed in looking at it, so Im sorry that my posts haven't come across as some kind of Cecelia Ahern novel.

And dont worry bud, I know I was driving stupidly, but one must take into account factors beyond that before you get as hot-headed as you have. I was driving with 6 other cars ahead of me from the same group, 2 or 3 were boy racers, and by the standard of young drivers I was relatively safe. The road is known to be dangerous - the Guard involved told me that a driver had been killed on the same stretch the week before the crash.

These are not excuses - I take responsibly for the fact that the crash was 100% my own fault. However I think it takes someone who has been through a situation (in this case the cause of a serous road accident) to fully comprehend what goes on. You are simply speculating, based on the fact that there arent tears on my keyboard, that I dont give a shìt. I do.

Anyone who has broken an old mans hip, forcing him to get a hip replacement, while simultaneously breaking their girlfriends collarbone and injuring two of their other friends, because of a stupid mistake, does give a shìt.

mandysmithers · 20-04-2009 02:04PM

I doubt that there's many 'perfect' drivers out there, but the fact is that accidents don't just happen, people cause them through carelessness, stupidity or showing off...that's only a few reasons. If you go on a journey that takes an hour or more, you're almost guaranteed to see at least one stupid act, that could easily result in an accident.

prinz · 20-04-2009 02:11PM

That Girl.. wrote: »

Grow up.. You obviously don't drive and if you do i'm sorry i'm not perfect like you.

Anyway OP i think you have your answer here so goodluck if you choose to go ahead with it.

Yes I do drive.When I drive I pay full attention to it at all times. There's a reason for this, a good friend of mine was run down in broad daylight by a young punk flying around the place, funnily enough with a girl in the car too. See any similarities here? He felt real sorry too. Not as sorry as my friend did.

So forgive me if I'm not too worried about the misfortune of the OP here. He has given the other guy a life sentence of pain. So really in the grand scheme of things, 6 months of feeling bad doesn't cut it with me.

CDfm · 20-04-2009 02:18PM

turgon wrote: »

I wouldn't and couldn't apologize for specific injuries, rather, that the whole incident occurred.

Its the injuries you caused which are the damage.

I came over the top of the hill, "blacked out", and woke up drenched in blood a few seconds after. I dont remember the actual collision.

Convenient. I know nothing.

I still think you are sorry for you and have no real empathy for the guy.

A bit of a self centred apology .

LittleRose · 20-04-2009 02:21PM

I would strongly advise writing a letter - but word it very carefully and get a few people you trust to have a read of it and give you their opinion before you send it.

My grandmother's 10-year-old son was knocked down and killed years ago. The man responsible never apologised to her and to her that was just appalling. If she had received an apology from him via a letter or in person, I don't know how she would have reacted but at least she would have felt that he had some degree of remorse. It wouldn't have brought her precious little boy back but because she didn't hear a word from him, she felt he had no remorse, didn't care and just got on with his life.

I'm trying to imagine what I would feel in that situation. I think if maybe he saw that you know you were wrong and driving like a maniac, that you are sorry and if you could tell him that it has changed you and your driving habits and that there has been some kind of positive outcome, he might feel better about it. And if you feel better about things because of that, well that's just well and good. You're trying to do the right thing, you do feel sorry for for all the suffering you caused him, letting him know that I don't think is going to cause any offence.

Good luck with it and I hope you get some resolution. Despite all the previous posts and despite that fact that you were driving like a maniac that day, I don't think you set out that morning to hurt anyone.

mandysmithers · 20-04-2009 02:21PM

turgon wrote: »

And dont worry bud, I know I was driving stupidly, but one must take into account factors beyond that before you get as hot-headed as you have. I was driving with 6 other cars ahead of me from the same group, 2 or 3 were boy racers, and by the standard of young drivers I was relatively safe. The road is known to be dangerous - the Guard involved told me that a driver had been killed on the same stretch the week before the crash.
These are not excuses - I take responsibly for the fact that the crash was 100% my own fault.

If they're not excuses, why post them here as 'factors' in your crash? Are you saying that you were driving really quickly to keep up with some idiot boy racers who were going way too quickly on a road known to be dangerous??!!

prinz · 20-04-2009 02:30PM

mandysmithers wrote: »

If they're not excuses, why post them here as 'factors' in your crash? Are you saying that you were driving really quickly to keep up with some idiot boy racers who were going way too quickly on a road known to be dangerous??!!

+1

I took your 'factors' into account and it just made it worse for you. That's the kind of thing that doesn't go in your letter for a start.

By all means write the letter, pass it to your solicitor to give to his solicitor, maybe it reaches the guy, maybe it doesn't. Maybe you hear back, maybe you don't.

The most important thing is that you do it for the right reasons. All I'm saying is that I don't think you are doing this for the right reasons, not completely anyway, and anything that you write now whill be hollow.

turgon · 20-04-2009 02:31PM

mandysmithers wrote: »

If they're not excuses, why post them here as 'factors' in your crash? Are you saying that you were driving really quickly to keep up with some idiot boy racers who were going way too quickly on a road known to be dangerous??!!

I was using them to illustrate the fact that your stupidity while driving is not directly proportional to your chances of crashing. You can drive real stupid on a Motorway and get away with it, but not stupidly so on a country road.

CDfm wrote: »

Convenient. I know nothing.

I wouldn't exactly lie about something as serious as that. Anyway I believe my friend in the passenger seat would confirm this.

CDfm wrote: »

I still think you are sorry for you and have no real empathy for the guy.

Ok, but what exactly do you mean by sorry for myself? So that I can see if I really am.

prinz wrote: »

Yes I do drive.When I drive I pay full attention to it at all times. There's a reason for this, a good friend of mine was run down in broad daylight by a young punk flying around the place, funnily enough with a girl in the car too. See any similarities here? He felt real sorry too. Not as sorry as my friend did.

Fair enough prinz. But theres obviously no point in trying to talk to you because you had your conclusion made out after reading the first 10 words of my original post.

Reaching out to people you've crashed into and hurt

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