I think my mum is having an affair

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 01:58PM #1

So me and my mum have a really good relationship, but recently i have thought twice about trusting her.

She is always upstairs on her phone, whispering and laughing and whenever I ask who it is, she never says. She used to be on the phone down here, but now it's always up in her room.

I have seen e-mails from people about booking hotels and basically about having sex.

She is constantly texting, i don't think i ever see her without her phone, and it's always to the same person, I have seen some of her texts as well, and they are about sex too.

If i walk into the room when she is on the computer, she quickly scrolls up so i/no-one can read and she has almost become obsessed with the computer, she can't last 5 minutes without being on there.

She is being extremely secretive and i brought up the subject saying we had an "re lesson about affairs" but she was just like, are you accusing me of having an affair? When, in actual fact those words did not come out of my mouth.

My mum spoke to my sister about it, saying i have accused her and my sister told me she was upset, however I have spoken to my sister about it and she agrees that my mum is up to something.

She won't cuddle up to my dad and i am constantly crying at the thought of her having an affair.
Family life is not to good and the moment and i cant handle another thing going wrong, especially this.

I thought maybe it's not happening and maybe she is trying to escape what's going on at home, but the more i realise, i really think she is having an affair. I just don't know what to do.

Oh The Humanity · 14-04-2009 02:07PM

Hi Lucy,

Sorry to hear famly life is not so good at the moment, can you tell us what age you are and we will try to help....

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 02:08PM

Thank-you for replying.
I am 16 years of age, starting my GCSE's very soon.

MagicMarker · 14-04-2009 02:09PM

I think because of the fact that your mother probably realises that you're on to her. I think you and your sister should sit her down and ask her straight out what's going on.

Do you think it's possible that your dad knows about this, and that they have agreed to have an ''open'' relationship?

Kinetic^ · 14-04-2009 02:12PM

If something looks,feels and smells like shíte,it's generally just that. You and your sis need to speak to her about what you've seen.

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 02:12PM

I am 100% positive that they have not agreed to an open relationship, not possible in the slightest. I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't know either. I want to sit her down, but she won't say anything. I tried to, and she just point blank said no. I don't want to be the one who ended upbreaking the family.

MagicMarker · 14-04-2009 02:13PM

lucy109 wrote: »

I am 100% positive that they have not agreed to an open relationship, not possible in the slightest. I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't know either. I want to sit her down, but she won't say anything. I tried to, and she just point blank said no. I don't want to be the one who ended upbreaking the family.

If anything should happen then it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Say that ten times over and repeat.

You have done nothing wrong, if your mother is having an affair, then she is 100% at fault.

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 02:19PM

I know that's true, it's just hard to know it.
I'm so sure of it happening?
But why would she? She has 3 children, lovely parents and a loving husband i don't get it.
I always help her and i cant talk to her like i used to.
She has just changed.
Im not acting normal with her, she knows it too. I just don't believe its happening, why would she?

Xterminator · 14-04-2009 02:30PM

hi.

i was 16 when i found out my mum was having an affair too.

i understand the turmoil you feel right now.

here are my thoughts.

your mum has a right to be happy. If that happiness is not with your dad, thats regrettable. but what often happens, is the parents stick together in an unhappy marriage, for the sake of the kids, or simply for financial reasons etc.

theres no impetus to seperate, and they just dont deal with it. But then sooner or later one partner meets someone else, and now things change.

I think if your sad and lonely, like your mum may be, its understandable she is looking for comfort, for a relationship. and she has needs. No-one like to talk about it, but parents like sex too.

Now the best thing your mum could do, is come clean before any cheating happens. But in the real world, you dont dump your husband on the chance it might work out, and so, she tests the water with her new lover.

You dont know the intimate details of your parents relationship. i think its best not to apportion blame.

Your in the middle. I don't think you should choose sides. Its not your place to tell your dad, but id sit down with mum , and have a chat. Tell her what you suspect, and ask her not to put you in an uncomfortable position.

i haven't mentioned your dad. he may suspect, after all if the relationship was healthy it wouldn't happen. but he may be in denial. In my opinion your mum should come clean, she owes it to him.

But choosing a parent is not what i would advise, no matter what happens.

Good Luck

X

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 02:32PM

Thank-you very much.

He tries to cuddle with her, but she never lets him.
I just think she wants out. Its just hard to understand why.
Thank-you though

beth-lou · 14-04-2009 02:34PM

You poor thing. I went through something similar at your age and it is hard.
Perhaps you and your sister should sit her down and tell her exactly what you have said here. Let her know how this affects you and how much it hurts. Tell her what you've discovered adn that she is hurting the whole family.

Sometimes these things happen out of boredom, and she may nip it in the bud when she sees how devastating it is and actually properly thinks about the repercussions of an affair. Or your parents may split. Whatever happens, it is not your fault, either for knowing about it or for confronting her about it. The fact is you know now, and it is up to her to put it right. No one can tell you what way it will go, but my heart does go out to you. It is a really tough situation to be in.

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 02:40PM

If i sit her down, and say all the stuff. She will ask, how do i know? And then, i'll have to say, i looked through for it. and she will know i have been sneaky and will be really angry. even though she is to blame, she won't forgive me for that. I just wish everything was normal. I hate it.

Oh The Humanity · 14-04-2009 02:43PM

Oh God, my heart goes out to you. I think beth-lou is right. I think you both need to speak to your Mam and tell her you have become aware something is going on.

If she denies it tell her you have seen the texts and mails with sexual content on there, if she still denies it, ask her then is it ok for your Dad to see them?

Lucy, you wont be the one breaking up the family either. If there is something to know then it is forces bigger than you that caused it.

It sounds like its got to the point where you cant ignore it any more. On the other hand there is not a lot you can do about it either. At the moment you are heading twords exams, you need to concentrate on that.

I know its difficult, is there a counsellor at school you could speak to?

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 02:46PM

I know, i can't stop thinking about it. i keep crying. it's so good to get it off my chest though. im not suicidal, but i just wanna end it all. you know?
No, we don't really have one of those at school.

thank-you everyone for your help, i really do appreciate it.

Oh The Humanity · 14-04-2009 02:48PM

lucy109 wrote: »

If i sit her down, and say all the stuff. She will ask, how do i know? And then, i'll have to say, i looked through for it. and she will know i have been sneaky and will be really angry.

Let her be angry, yes you looked, but she is not exactly in a position to call you sneaky is she? Thats the pot calling the kettle black isnt it.

lucy109 wrote: »

even though she is to blame, she won't forgive me for that. I just wish everything was normal. I hate it.

Lucy, sometimes in life people will be angry with you even though you did nothing wrong. You have to decide which is worse, things the way they are or confronting your Mum and her becoming angry......its not a good choice I know....

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 02:52PM

Yeah, your right.
I need to confront her, otherwise i won't be able to stop thinking about it. I can't sleep.
Ok, i'll discuss with my sister tonight. Thank-you x

Oh The Humanity · 14-04-2009 02:55PM

Best of luck x

beth-lou · 14-04-2009 02:56PM

lucy109 wrote: »

If i sit her down, and say all the stuff. She will ask, how do i know? And then, i'll have to say, i looked through for it. and she will know i have been sneaky and will be really angry. even though she is to blame, she won't forgive me for that. I just wish everything was normal. I hate it.

Well if she gets angry and tries to turn it back on you, just ell her that you knew something was up by her behaviour regardless of how you confirmed it, it does not change the fact that she is the one in the wrong. I know it is hard, but this is going to gnaw away at you for as long as it goes unkown by your dad and all the while you grow very resentful of your Mam. It's impossible not too. Better to be honest with her and at least give her a shot to explain herself and do whatever is best, be that ending the affair or ending the marraige.

Lots of marraiges go through these types of things and survive, so it might not be the worst case scenario. But for your own peace of mind, you have to talk to her, or if that is too scarey, why not write her a letter explaining what you found and how confused you are and when she is ready, you appreciate it if she could talk to you and your sister. I know it's hard, unfortunately this part of growing up, discovering that your parents are far from perfect. But you will also learn that things can and do improve, over time.

Big hugs to you. x

lucy109 · 14-04-2009 03:03PM

Ok. Thank-you.

Pythia · 18-04-2009 08:21PM

I was suspicious about my mum for years cos she was acting like this. Turns out she was having an affair. She tried to deny it and made me feel bad so if you confront her, don't expect that she'll admit it until you have clear evidence.

LegacyUser · 18-04-2009 10:07PM

Lucy - I really feel for you.

Im a divorced Dad with a teen daughter who Im very close to about your age. I have not been with her Mum for years.

A few little pointers. The first is that you are still a kid and this stuff is a bit outside your league. I wouldnt turn detective but if I came accross something innocently well that is different. There is a bit of a distinction in integrity to yourself. It also means that if you are accused of sneakiness -you know yourself you are not at fault. Thats important.

My daughter had an emotional upset last year and it did affect her physical health. Last Summer we spent a lot of time together and she came to stay with me for a while.She goes to a youth group on a Saturday and the youth leader was helpful. Some stuff she cant discuss with me.Do you have anyone?

Funnily enough respecting boundaries has strenghtened my relationship with my daughter - who I see lots of and more than was ever in any agreement.My bit of advice here is that you can be a better friend to your Dad by doing the normal father daughter stuff -even a bit more of it.

It may or my not be the case that your Mum is seeing someone, but, because someone else posted that it has happened to their parents doesnt make it true for your parents. If she is and you come across it then thats a different issue and do not try to deal with that until you know.

That might seem a little like be optimistic but its the best you can do under the circunstances.

Best of luck OP

I think my mum is having an affair

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