Can't wait for my parents to die

LegacyUser · 09-04-2009 10:42PM #1

Feel a rant coming on - am so angry and sad for my mum and dad.

In their early 70's both problems(although mild when looking in) with drink. They have ruined both their lives and their kids. Some of us dont want anything to do with them as atmosphere and bull**** that comes out their mouth is exhausting.

I really mean it when I say I wont shed a tear for them and hope its soon. Feel sorry for sis at home with them - she is so depressed. Family members who come vist from abroad hate coming home and I feel sorry for them having to spend time in the house with them.

I rent a house and feel my parents house is longer my home - I HATE staying there too. Even on weekends. Wont do it and dont care. Dont get me wrong am fond of them and when sober get glimpes of happier times.

They talk such crap when drunk...when I mention it to them go off the rader in rage...

What a bloody waste of life...am struggling wit depression and as you can image can now understand where it stems from..Am so so so angrry

Kevster · 10-04-2009 12:53AM

Hi,

Thank you for posting because I really believe that this has been simmering under the surface for a long time. I never once viewed what you said in any way as being unfair (or just not nice), but I know that others won't see it that way.

Anyway, I understand how depression can affect someone and I therefore understand why you feel this way. However, you must try to separate yourself from what yiour parents have done and just geton with your own life. What they have done should not bother you. They messed-up, but you don't have to. By getting angry/upset over what they have done, you are falling into the trap of letting others dictate your own life; and it shouldn't be that way.

Take care,
Kevin

LegacyUser · 10-04-2009 07:55AM

They've ruined you past, don't let them ruin your future as well.

outsidearth · 10-04-2009 08:04AM

well.. they are still ur parents, and u cant pick them like pack of taytos. there is no different flavour available for ye! accept them, but first accept urself. 70's? 40 yrs ago?

Das Kitty · 10-04-2009 08:19AM

OP I fully sympathise with your feelings.

I do think you're still letting them affect your life though, you're very very angry which is doing nothing but harming you.

I went through this same thing with my Dad, I've gone through pity, hatred, sorrow over and over. I'm currently doing my best to try to feel neither positive nor negative towards him, however I'm failing quite a bit. I think the best thing for me is to be neutral on him, but at the moment I wish he'd just be gone. It's a terrible thing to say but it's true.

My advice would be if they are that toxic, cut them out, don't see them, don't let them manipulate you and look after your own mental health. Don't buy the "but they're your parents!" guff, it's not an excuse to go on being mentally tortured.

Milkey Bar Kid · 10-04-2009 08:26AM

yourbetter off walking away until there gone

mazcon · 10-04-2009 10:24AM

Hi OP
Check out Alanon or ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) either of these support groups will help you to deal with all the anger and frustration you feel for your parents. You owe it to yourself to do everything to get your life back on track. It's very normal for someone to wish a drinker in their life would die. Living with it is too much for most people. Get help for yourself and things will improve for you.
Take care
M xx

sardineta · 10-04-2009 10:36AM

Is part of your angst financially motivated, especially in the current economic climate?

The downturn won't last forever and once your parents are gone, they're gone.

EllieP · 10-04-2009 12:30PM

I empathize completely, do not for one second feel bad for feeling like you wish they weren't here anymore. As someone previously said, you cant pick em like a bag of Tayto's, No that's true you cant, BUT spare a thought for the many people who've had the misfortune of being born to people that shouldn't be allowed to look after a dog nevermind raise some children.

My mother and father have tormented us with physical, emotional and psychological abuse for our whole lives. He's too old now to take the belt to us, but she's not and never will be too old to make us feel like a piece of dirt. Like the OP there are moments when I think, right forget about the past they had circumstances that made them the way they are. That's bull*$%£. I've grown up with this and will never raise my hand to a child or allow myself to get in a position where I am manipulating peoples sense of guilt and responsibility. After leaving home asap, at 26 Ive now lost my job and have had to go back to the 'family home' for hopefully a short term. This delights them, not in the way most parents would be delighted of course.

Sorry I didn't mean this to turn into a rant about me, its just mostly everyone I know, boyf included, admittedly live in a Brady Bunch world. It's slightly therapeutic to be able to type that the Day they die, I know I'll only mourn for the mother and father I could've had.

smileysurfer · 10-04-2009 12:40PM

cant wait for my parents to die

I dont understand how anyone with a conscience could say this!! :eek:
I m not in the situation but from what youve said they dont seem bad enough to want them to die!! They drink , is that it? are they violent or abusive? I dont understand why you cant wait for them to die!

Das Kitty · 10-04-2009 12:42PM

smileysurfer wrote: »

I dont understand how anyone with a conscience could say this!! :eek:
I m not in the situation but from what youve said they dont seem bad enough to want them to die!! They drink , is that it? are they violent or abusive? I dont understand why you cant wait for them to die!

Calm down OP is not saying he/she is going to kill them.

What's so bad about wanting someone to die? It's not going to make it happen.

smileysurfer · 10-04-2009 12:46PM

Das Kitty wrote: »

Calm down OP is not saying he/she is going to kill them.

What's so bad about wanting someone to die? It's not going to make it happen.

No where in my post did i mention anything about killing anyone!
Whats so bad about wanting someone to die?
Do I even need to answer that question?

Birdie086 · 10-04-2009 12:48PM

You cant help how you feel. depression clouds your judgment. #when I gave birth to my son I felt absoloutly nothing for him untill he six months old. Didnt admit it to anyone untill last year(he is nearly three).
Go to ALanon - you will be surprised how many people are dealing with alcoholics and hopefully get a bit of support.

Fair play to you for posting, a lot of people dont admit their true feelings for fear of judgement

Lobelia Overhill · 10-04-2009 12:57PM

I understand and sympathise completely with OP. My parents aren't drinkers they're anti-social gits who's only interest in life was making my, and my siblings, lives miserable. They are now 70s/80s and invalids, and I ended up being their Care as they won't go into a home, no one else will look after them, and they won't have a Home Help. I've had it made quite clear that I won't be inheriting the house or any money when they go.

EllieP wrote: »

spare a thought for the many people who've had the misfortune of being born to people that shouldn't be allowed to look after a dog nevermind raise some children.

echoes that ...

I know I'll only mourn for the mother and father I could've had.

and that!

mazcon · 10-04-2009 12:58PM

smileysurfer wrote: »

I dont understand how anyone with a conscience could say this!! :eek:
I m not in the situation but from what youve said they dont seem bad enough to want them to die!! They drink , is that it? are they violent or abusive? I dont understand why you cant wait for them to die!

That's why you don't understand how the OP can feel that way....you haven't experienced living with alcoholism. Feelings are just that....feelings. I remember feeling the same about my dh and thinking I was evil. At my first Alanon meeting I heard someone else say the very same as I was feeling. It was such a relief to hear that so many people felt that. You are not alone OP and you are not bad or without a conscience.

*Honey* · 10-04-2009 01:46PM

smileysurfer wrote: »

I dont understand how anyone with a conscience could say this!! :eek:
I m not in the situation but from what youve said they dont seem bad enough to want them to die!! They drink , is that it? are they violent or abusive? I dont understand why you cant wait for them to die!

I think you need to read the OP's post again - more importantly, try reading a tiny bit between the lines.

OP I'm not in this position myself but I understand your feelings. I have a completely toxic sister who I'm so glad to be cut off from forever. I no longer have to wish badness on her as she really doesn't exist any longer for me. It's very horrible for anyone to have to feel this way about a member of their family but it happens... anyone who is genuinely shocked about your post either A) had a great family life and should be very grateful they did or

completely out of touch with the world and the fact that really very few people live, what one poster called The Brady Bunch life.

I can only suggest you cut yourself off from them as much as humanly possible. How much contact do you have and is it really required? I feel for your sister and maybe reach out to her more so that she also has someone to support her (you can support each other through this). The reality is if they're drinking that heavily they probably won't see that many more years anyways.

I'm sorry you've ever had to experience such feelings.

SarahSassy · 10-04-2009 02:31PM

OP you havent given us the full story here but its evident from reading between the lines that you have been left scarred by your parents behaviour..

I do sympathise with you and hope that you can work through this and enjoy life. In saying that, at the end of the day most people have some element of disfunction in their families and at some stage of adulthood you need to stop blaming others for your unhappiness and get on with dealing with it.

Resentment and hatred are negative emotions and bring you more harm than they do the recipients of the feelings... Bottom line is that with all this hatred and negativity you are only hurting yourself...

Do what you need to do to move on. Let go of the past and make a happy future with or without contact with your parents.

Miacc · 10-04-2009 08:13PM

Hi Op.I was listening to this song when i saw your post.

<snip> - its a nice song if you need to get rid of ****e feelings... (short term remedy i know) - but you're not alone in feeling angry and sad.

From reading your post, I wouldnt be inclined to judge you - that's a confusing situation for anyone to be in - hard when the people you love do enough to drive people away completely. best of luck.

LegacyUser · 10-04-2009 10:40PM

smileysurfer wrote: »

I dont understand how anyone with a conscience could say this!! :eek:
I m not in the situation but from what youve said they dont seem bad enough to want them to die!! They drink , is that it? are they violent or abusive? I dont understand why you cant wait for them to die!

You sound very young - yes they are both abusive and one violent - go away

dudara · 10-04-2009 10:52PM

Unregistered, please respect other poster's opinions. Their answers may not be what you want to hear, but they have posted in good faith.

dudara

LegacyUser · 10-04-2009 11:08PM

OP,I felt so sad when I read your post. People who havent been in your situation cannot begin to understand one iota of the pain you have gone through and are still in. My father is an alcoholic, in his 70s now and the scars I have from the years I lived with him, drinking, doors being broken down, the terror I felt at his moods, the threat of being thrown out or beaten very badly....I do understand your anger, I truely do. I fell apart in my 20s - became anorexic, had two controlling relationships, couldnt hold down a job,thought about suicide so many times. The legacy alcoholic parents leave their children is horrendous, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

However....I am now in my 30s. And OP, you may not want to hear this but I only began to move on and get my life together, when I started to forgive my father and see him for the old man he is now. I had counselling and one thing was said to me that was like a light put shone on me "your father destroyed the first quarter of your life, dont let him destroy the rest of your life". Out of sheer stubborness, I pulled my life together. I have a house now, a job that is ok, a lovely lovely husband, good friends. On my wedding day, I let my father walk me down the aisle, something I had vowed years before that would never happen. And do you know what happened? He cried all day, with shame and with sorrow, over the lovely woman I had become and that he didnt know and will never really know now.

I am polite to him, I dont wish him dead and I deal with him respectfully. I do it to protect my own conscience and my sense of determination to let the man having nothing on me, when he does go.

What I am saying, OP, is while your anger is so understandable, it will destroy you. Use it to make your life better for yourself and dont let parents win. You deserve happiness and contentment, dont let them take any more time from your life than they already have.

Das Kitty · 11-04-2009 10:21AM

Unregistered wrote: »

On my wedding day, I let my father walk me down the aisle, something I had vowed years before that would never happen. And do you know what happened? He cried all day, with shame and with sorrow, over the lovely woman I had become and that he didnt know and will never really know now.

You're lucky you had that experience, I did the same and it turned out to be a disaster, I won't go into details but it involved telling secrets (ie lies) over the speech microphone and me having to carry him out of the reception as he couldn't stand he was so drunk.

If it had worked out I would be where you are, but, yeah, I'm still struggling to forgive.

G86 · 12-04-2009 11:17PM

I really feel for you, and completely understand why you feel the way you do. Of course people who haven't experienced alcholism in their lives are going to percieve it as strange - but thats only because they find it hard to relate to your situation. I think the best thing you can do is just cut them off and get on with your life, the more you let it get to you the more power you're letting them have over you still. You are who you are, you don't need them to validate you or your life now.

Don't feel bad about how you're feeling, honestly, there's nothing wrong with it after what you've been through.

LegacyUser · 12-04-2009 11:45PM

Hi OP,

I can relate to your experience too, I am not close with my parents at all and i am completely fine with it now but i had to do a lot of therapy to deal with the anger, pain and rejection i had suffered, but i got there, now nothing they say has the same effect, like sometimes my mother will state things that i dont agree with and i dont react anymore because once you find your own truth and believe in it yourself no one elses opinion matters...

If you concentrate on your needs and know your boundaries you can change the relationship you have with your parents, if you are still enmeshed with them emotionally this will always determine how you interact with them,

realize that you are your own person and are not defined by your 'story',

create a new story, create a new life you deserve, work on yourself play it by ear with your parents, and let them go emotionally.

upmeath · 13-04-2009 12:13AM

That's a no-bull5hit thread title... sorry you feel that way. Parents are what makes you who you are, so if you're unhappy with your parents you're clearly unhappy with yourself. I think you've arrived at the conclusion that they're to blame for you being the person you are. I'm 21, I've a great bond with both my parents, and I don't share and could never share your opinion of the people who brought you into this world, shaped your character and brought you up. They've given you every opportunity you'll ever have, I wouldn't cite any sort of addiction problem such as alcoholism as a reason to wish someone were dead, no matter what their relationship to you. It's really awful that you feel that way.

You say you can't wait for your parents to die, what will you do when they're gone, dance in their graves and go on the rip for a fortnight? Pathetic, ungrateful and pitiful. And that's only the start of it.

G86 · 13-04-2009 12:33AM

upmeath wrote: »

I'm 21, I've a great bond with both my parents, and I don't share and could never share your opinion of the people who brought you into this world

Exactly - so how can you expect to understand how the OP is feeling?

upmeath wrote: »

They've given you every opportunity you'll ever have,

No, they haven't, thats the point. The OP has missed out because of his parents problems.

upmeath wrote: »

I wouldn't cite any sort of addiction problem such as alcoholism as a reason to wish someone were dead, no matter what their relationship to you. It's really awful that you feel that way.

The OP has also referred to his parents attitude in general, not just the alcoholism. Of course, no-one should wish anyone dead, but he/she only feels this way because of what he's gone through because of these people. If they weren't in his life then they wouldn't be able to hurt him any more. Its not awful that he feels this way - whats awful is that he grew up with two selfish alcoholic parents whose issues are still affecting him as an adult. He feels trapped - if he cuts them out he faces the guilt of disowning his parent - and if he doesn't then he has to continue on in the horrible situation he is in. Its very unfair.

Pathetic, ungrateful and pitiful. And that's only the start of it.

This is very heartless, can you not even try to see things from his point of view? If they physically harmed him would that make you feel more for him? Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical - if not worse. To wish someone dead is a horrible way to feel, BUT you have to think about what has been done to the person in order for them to feel that way.

edited to say I referred to the OP as a male there instead of he/she the whole way throughout, I'm aware the OPs gender is unknown.

upmeath · 13-04-2009 01:51AM

G86 wrote: »

Exactly - so how can you expect to understand how the OP is feeling?

It's called walking a mile in someone's boots :rolleyes: Any topic discussed in these forums involves a certain amount of simulation. Have you experienced everything you've ever seen discussed here? No, but you imagine things from the OP's perspective and try to help. We all experience turbulent relationships in our lives and we try to draw on those to help in situations like this, but in this case I can't. No matter how bad things are I can't imagine wishing someone belonging to me were dead. I can imagine someone wishing to lead a more detached existence, keeping a safe distance, that's all well and good, but to wish death on someone is pure evil in my book. Does that answer your question?

G86 wrote: »

No, they haven't, thats the point. The OP has missed out because of his parents problems.

Any billionaire orphans out there? The oft-mistold background story of Roman Abramovich is a fairytale, he lost both parents at a young age but he was well-reared by his extended family. I don't know of any human being worth their salt who's entirely self-made, their entire life built from scratch. If the OP's parents hadn't put some effort into their upbringing there's a fair chance they'd be uneducated (and I don't just mean academically, I mean in the most basic life skills too), unhappy and wouldn't have gotten too far in life at all. There's a certain amount of love, affection and effort put into all our upbringings and for that alone we should be eternally grateful. The OP seems like a decent skin, there's just a lack of gratitude there somewhere.

G86 wrote: »

He feels trapped - if he cuts them out he faces the guilt of disowning his parent - and if he doesn't then he has to continue on in the horrible situation he is in. Its very unfair.

Isn't disowning or distancing yourself from someone you're uncomfortable with a fairer solution than wishing for their swift and premature death. That sounds a little unfair

G86 wrote: »

This is very heartless, can you not even try to see things from his point of view? ... To wish someone dead is a horrible way to feel, BUT you have to think about what has been done to the person in order for them to feel that way.

Maybe revisit this little bit now and think about who's heartless, me or the OP. Perhaps not heartless OP, but I know I'm not heartless, and I don't think I'm being unfair here, I'm taking your story on board and I truly feel sorry for you, I just think you might need to look at the big picture here, your parents might not be particularly nice people in old age but they've put a hell of a lot of effort into making you who you are and it shouldn't go unnoticed, at any stage in your life, or theirs. They're only human. And you're the best and worst in both of them.

useful_contacts · 13-04-2009 02:01AM

Unregistered wrote: »

Feel a rant coming on - am so angry and sad for my mum and dad.

In their early 70's both problems(although mild when looking in) with drink. They have ruined both their lives and their kids. Some of us dont want anything to do with them as atmosphere and bull**** that comes out their mouth is exhausting.

I really mean it when I say I wont shed a tear for them and hope its soon. Feel sorry for sis at home with them - she is so depressed. Family members who come vist from abroad hate coming home and I feel sorry for them having to spend time in the house with them.

I rent a house and feel my parents house is longer my home - I HATE staying there too. Even on weekends. Wont do it and dont care. Dont get me wrong am fond of them and when sober get glimpes of happier times.

They talk such crap when drunk...when I mention it to them go off the rader in rage...

What a bloody waste of life...am struggling wit depression and as you can image can now understand where it stems from..Am so so so angrry

thanks

your posts inspired me to post my own prob about my folks and drink

Thnaks hun

TBH it sounds like your folks are at the stage where they think " they raised their kids " so they should be able to do what they like.

Now ive no kids- but i know once i have kids that i dont matter anymore- my kids are the most importrant thing - no matter what!

Im not going to have kids until im done doing what i want and ive removed the selfishness from my life so i can focus on them.Sorry i know that sounds daft but thats what im going to do.

I know how you feel in a way- i despise my dad and my real mams dead.

Listen PM me if you wanna chat k

Hope your OK

U_C

mysterious · 13-04-2009 02:12AM

Unregistered wrote: »

Feel a rant coming on - am so angry and sad for my mum and dad.

In their early 70's both problems(although mild when looking in) with drink. They have ruined both their lives and their kids. Some of us dont want anything to do with them as atmosphere and bull**** that comes out their mouth is exhausting.

I really mean it when I say I wont shed a tear for them and hope its soon. Feel sorry for sis at home with them - she is so depressed. Family members who come vist from abroad hate coming home and I feel sorry for them having to spend time in the house with them.

I rent a house and feel my parents house is longer my home - I HATE staying there too. Even on weekends. Wont do it and dont care. Dont get me wrong am fond of them and when sober get glimpes of happier times.

They talk such crap when drunk...when I mention it to them go off the rader in rage...

What a bloody waste of life...am struggling wit depression and as you can image can now understand where it stems from..Am so so so angrry

Well it seems that drink is creating the problem, It's a disease and it's probably already killing them(don't mean to sound harsh) It creates all the dysfunctions in them. It then gets worse drinking over prolong periods.

What you need is to remove yourself from that environment, you can't change them. You can only change yourself. You are in control of you.

One thing that I have to point out is, there is no good hating them or wishing them to be dead. That does not good on your part and does nothing to the situation of the problem you are in. If they died tomorrow you will be left with a bigger baggage and some guilt too. You don't want that. You don't need that and you don't have to be like this.

All you can do is detach, and improve your life, set a good example and try get some consellling for your depression. Out of bad comes good, if you can begin to see things from that perspective. Thinking and dweling on the bad is not going to help you or put you on the right track.

Change will follow, trust me on that, if you change, the world is follow suit. You can force change and you can't force other's to change. Start by creating good examples and habits. People will naturally responds to these positive affirmations, and it radiates back to the world. What you need, is detachment from this negative environment and set yourself into a positive environent. Your Parents are cot up in a negative cycle. They must and I mean just might change if they become aware of your positive changes.

On a side note I have utmost sympathy for your situation, and it's alot more common than you think. Alcholism affects alot of families like this.

When you say, "you feel a rant coming on" It means you have alot of stuff to get out of your system, and it seems your holding this all in. I suggest find a therapist to release this baggage and learn to deal with it in the right way.

Hope this helps:)

One bit of advice, the chaos, bad, dysfunctions, depressions, are there to remind you, of what you can do and what you can change and what you can overcome, just like Like light, joy and eurphoria remind you of how far you've come too. It is one side of life, there are two sides to life, Light and darkness. Ying and Yang. You are here to experience both and you are here to take both and become balanced between the two.

seanybiker · 13-04-2009 02:35AM

upmeath wrote: »

Isn't disowning or distancing yourself from someone you're uncomfortable with a fairer solution than wishing for their swift and premature death. That sounds a little unfair

I agree with you 100%. Someone wanting someone else to die is fairly horrible in my opinion.
I have been suffering depression for over half my life and been on tablets for it ever since it started. Sure people have annoyed me and upset me over the years but I never wished them dead and then used my depression as an excuse.
If you dont like them stay away from them, it is actually as simple as that. Then you can concentrate on getting better without having an excuse for depression to fall back on when ya have your bad days.

G86 · 13-04-2009 02:40AM

upmeath wrote: »

Maybe revisit this little bit now and think about who's heartless, me or the OP. .

I don't mean this offensively in any way, but I really do disagree with what you've said. The OP isn't heartless at all, his parents have only provided the basic necessities - not the love, warmth and sense of safety that every child should have in their own home.

I understand that its your opinion on the matter, but I really do think that its a closed view of whats 'right' and 'wrong'. I'll leave it at that though, its not helping the OP us debating over it.

OP I wish I could say more to help but if you ever want to talk about it please don't hesitate to pm me. I do understand as I've been in a similar situation and I can relate to how you're feeling in some ways.

Best of luck x

Can't wait for my parents to die

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