Child abuser

LegacyUser · 01-04-2009 01:14AM #1

Hi Guys this ones going to be long so be warned
I have something on my mind at the moment its about an ex girlfriend of mine who I dumped after she cheated on me with someone she worked with.
She has a nephew and niece who before I split turned out they were being abused by someone the truth never came out as it would be still ongoing with councelling etc.
Now heres the problem my ex told me she was raped and abused by her brothers one of who is these kids father.
the whole thing was quietly tucked away in the forgotten land along with the ex but I read a book lately and its sprung back in there about these kids.
I know the ex didnt tell anyone about this but she did try to harm herself she told me her mother had suspicions but never did admit what happened.
I feel there could be more to it than all this maybe the father is the one doing the abusing.
I feel there is part of me who should ring the social services and then there is another part of me that says forget it Ive enough to think about with running my own business I havent talked to my Fiance about this yet, I dont think she should have to really put up with an ex of mines family problems. I mean what if she made it up to me and the children get taken off there father ?
I know there would be a lot more into it than that but it would rip her family apart if this all came out truth or not.
Id really appretiate some serious advice on this as I said its really starting to consume a lot of my toughts.
Thanks guys

tbh · 01-04-2009 07:21AM

I originally thought that your ex had been abused but hadn't said anything, so I advised you not to make the call on her behalf. I see now that you feel her nephew and neice may be being abused. In that case, I suggest you ring the HSE, let them know what you know, and leave it there. Horrible position to be in, but there's not a lot more you can do.

CDfm · 01-04-2009 09:36AM

Im with TBH here -but if the woman has said something to you it may be a false allegation or it may not be. I heard all sort of stuff.

However- this may keen the mind - a few years back a friend told me a similar story about his wife and an abuse allegation concerning her brother. She had a serious violent psychotic episode and was hospitalised and restrained. Her mother discharged her and she hanged herself.

I wouldnt know what to do in your situation -whether to call the confidential garda hotline or HSE or not.

If you have an inclination that she is fabricating there is no harm if you know a local solicitor or guard or doctor to ask their advice on what you might do.

Thinking of it if you do know a Guard personally you can just tell them privately even if you have misgivings and they can tell you your options- it might even confirm something they suspect.

But best of luck- it is a really tough call sometimes to do what is right.

LegacyUser · 01-04-2009 12:12PM

Going unreg for this.

Years ago some people I knew fostered a brother and sister (both over 12) who had been badly abused by a parent.

I can't go into details (because it is all so bizarre, if I do, it may be as good as identifying them) but I had a growing feeling that a lot of the reason why they fostered these children was to enable a family member to abuse them.

I had no actual evidence, as such, the best way I can put it is that everything about the situation "fit the profile", perfectly.

But what on earth could I do?

Even if I was right, and BELIEVED, these kids had already been in care for years, and had been placed in this situation. Where would they be placed next?

There are no queues of loving foster families for, early teen, inner city kids who have been sexually abused twice. Social services don't exactly have much to offer. They often seem to do make things far worse for any child in care, especially the older ones, by then they just seem to "contain" them without any real consideration at all.

The damage would be done by the time anyone acted, if they acted at all. Left alone the kids had the best of private schooling, and every advantage, for the first time in their lives, taken back they would just be in an institutional home until they were turfed out with nothing, but an inner city family with severe drug problems, aged 18...and the damage would, already, still be done.

I closed my eyes, distanced myself, told myself I was imagining things.

Years later, by incredible coincidence, I found out that I had been right all along.

I still think I probably did the best thing by saying nothing. But it wasn't a GOOD thing, it was just the best of a bad job.

I am not advocating acting, or not acting, just thinking it out very, very carefully.

Even if those kids are being abused, sadly, social services intervention might make it even worse now.

LegacyUser · 01-04-2009 12:52PM

Thanks for the replys guys
Ill go into it a little more so you can get a better picture
There is two boys and one girl.
The older boy only lives with the family "part time" so to speak.
Most of the time he is with his mother as for the other two they live with there father and new mother who are married now. all of them had the signs of being abused and were in councilling with the hse in what was turning into a long drawn out process.
I keep thinking If I said nothing and this came out years later I wouldnt be able to live with myself.
but also if I did say something and it turned out to be false even just the allegation would ruin the family.
I really am stuck here.
I do have a few friends who are gaurds I might have a word with one of them see what he thinks.

wicklori · 01-04-2009 12:54PM

It is highly irresponsible to advise anyone not to report child protection concerns. The damage that is done by ongoing sexual abuse is massive. The OP himself has seen the impact rape had on his ex.

I understand that Child Protection Social Workers have a bad reputation but it is important to remember that reoving children to care is a VERY last resort which requires a court order-the judge makes the decision. The majority of situations where there are child protection concerns are dealt with by Social Workers without children coming into care.

Worst case scenario, a child dies in an abusive situation. How would any of us live with ourselves if we knew anything?

The information the OP has may or may not form part of a bigger jigsaw puzzle. It is possible this information has come to light already during the assessment and therapy the children are apparently undergoing.

OP-the decision is yours. You could make an anonymous phone call to the Duty Social Work Team where the children live. Anonymous reports are not always taken as seriously but nonetheless it would be well worth doing if that is the most you feel in a position to do.

Heineken Helen · 01-04-2009 01:33PM

OP if you have your suspicions, the responsible thing to do is to report it

at the very least, the problem will then be (at least officially) off your hands. I like CDfm's advice on this... if you can talk to a local guard confidentially?

And yes, it certainly IS highly irresponsible to suggest doing nothing is the right thing.

CDfm · 01-04-2009 03:21PM

wicklori wrote: »

It is highly irresponsible to advise anyone not to report child protection concerns. The damage that is done by ongoing sexual abuse is massive. The OP himself has seen the impact rape had on his ex.

OP-the decision is yours. You could make an anonymous phone call to the Duty Social Work Team where the children live. Anonymous reports are not always taken as seriously but nonetheless it would be well worth doing if that is the most you feel in a position to do.

Yes -but the OP only has a suspicion and it places an unfair burden on him. He has no real proof and Social Workers do have an appalling reputation and if he was wrong and his ex was lying........?

He does have a moral obligation to report what he does know but in a way that it is not construed as malicious.

wicklori · 01-04-2009 03:28PM

CDfm wrote: »

Yes -but the OP only has a suspicion and it places an unfair burden on him. He has no real proof and Social Workers do have an appalling reputation and if he was wrong and his ex was lying........?

He does have a moral obligation to report what he does know but in a way that it is not construed as malicious.

Social Workers who work in Child Protection have a very unfair bad rep-the average person has no understanding of the lack of resources they work with. The system is the problem-not the highly trained professionals-attempting to work within it.:mad:

Many child protection concerns are only suspicions. The best thing is to explain the whole story to a Duty Child Protection Social Worker over the phone and see what their advice would be-give them a hypothetical. If the report is made, it would be investigated. It really isn't the case that he would phone up and the social workers would run out to the house with their butterfly nets and trap the children and carry them off to care. If the suspicion is found to be unfounded-no worries. There is even legislation in place to protect people from litigation-once the report is made in good faith.

CDfm · 01-04-2009 04:07PM

wicklori wrote: »

Social Workers who work in Child Protection have a very unfair bad rep-the average person has no understanding of the lack of resources they work with. The system is the problem-not the highly trained professionals-attempting to work within it.:mad:

Whatever the publics perception of social workers - the OP has to trust whoever he makes the report to at a personal level and be comfortable doing so.

Its a very hard thing he is doing even discussing it with his Garda friend.

BTW you sound like a social worker.

Child abuser

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