Alcoholic Parents

LegacyUser · 20-03-2009 09:49PM #1

My parents are alcoholics and I'm at a loss how to deal with it anymore. I could sit here for hours going into more detail but the bottom line is neither of them can/want to stop drinking. I'm 20, female and an only child.

They're not public about their drinking so nobody outside the immediate family knows. They would never drink in the mornings, or go to work drunk, but every evening they will share 3-4 bottles of wine, more on the weekend. There's very little money left for anything else.

My father is a quiet drunk, but he's very physically weak due to illness. I find it hard to tell but I'd say he'd stop drinking in a heartbeat if my mother wasn't so persistant. My mother is an aggressive drunk and I have spent my life tiptoeing around her, trying to protect myself and trying to protect my father from her.

I'm at a loss as to what to do anymore. I'm in college, yet outside of being in college for lectures I rarely leave the house because I'm terrified of aggrivating my mother. I could never move out because I'm terrified she'll do something to my father or herself. Friends I have assume I don't want to spend time with them outside of college and have stopped asking me to come out, which I understand.

I could never be honest with people about this. I love both my parents and while a part of me wished my mother would die, another part of me just wants to protect the both of them and I don't want anybody looking down on them. I've just come out of a four year relationship and I can't imagine being in another because I can't imagine any man putting up with my constant "Can't come out, can't stay over and there's no way in hell you're comming anywhere near my home".

I tried councelling once... Which helped slightly but I'd imagine going back again would just involve hearing the same stuff over again.

BarnhallBull · 20-03-2009 10:23PM

Hey OP, my sympathies for your situation, it really is a tough one:(

I'm 19, my Dad's an alcoholic. It really is incredibly difficult to deal with, I guess the difference between my situation and yours is that my mam isn't an alcoholic so at least I had support from her. I'd imagine it's infinitely more difficult to do in your situation but all I can offer is that you have to get yourself out of the situation, somehow, you can't go on living your life trapped by their alcoholism.

I completely understand what you're saying about not wanting people to know because you don't want people looking down on them, you want to protect them, but you really have to ask for help. Do you have Aunts/Uncles/Grandparents that you feel you can talk to about this? If so, tell them, talk to them about the situation and figure out a way foreard from there, but you can't go on like this.

I haven't seen my Dad for a year since I finally gathered the courage to kick him out of the house, sometimes I really do miss him, but it had to be done. I hope someday he can turn his life around and I can have a relationship with him, but it's his choice, and I feel so much better since I got free from the situation. It's really tough to make a stand, particularly against your parents, but you need to do something, you can't go on living as you are.

Hope everything goes well, feel free to PM if you want to talk about it

Martyr · 20-03-2009 11:48PM

Hi OP

Lived with alcoholic mother for many years.

I also felt the need to protect my mother from drinking.
Tried to reason with her that it wasnt only ruining her life, but the family too.

Unfortunately.. (as most people living with alcoholics will tell you) it was a complete waste of time and my family is pretty much non-existent now.

Only the alcoholic can stop themself from taking a drink and it doesn't sound like your parents are about to stop anytime soon.

As BarnhallBull said, its not easy turning your back on your own parents, but sometimes they leave you with no choice.

You're obviously not happy living at home and their drinking is having a negative impact on your life now, and if you stay, no doubt for the future.

IMHO, the only thing you can do is move out, try to put this all behind you and do the best to get on with your own life. (without alcohol please)

Focus on yourself because your parents situation is fixed until they decide to change themselves, you can't change them.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2009 01:02AM

OP i know exactly how you feel. I am also an only child, 22 year old female. My father passed away when I was 15 so I was left to cope alone with an aggresive alcoholic parent. You come home and you never know what to expect. Constantly living in fear of them embarrasing you, hurting you or having screaming matches with you over nothing. Never able to have friends over or live a "normal" life. For years I guess even I was in Denial about it. Would never confide in anyone how horrible things were for me.

Your not the only one who wishes for them to die, even that i felt so horrible thinking that way but iv been through so much abuse emotionally, physically,mentally I think its the only way i will ever have peace. Even living away from home doesnt solve it. What i get now are drunken abusive phonecalls.

It was hell living at home. I could not wait to leave home and after my leaving cert i left. Went to college, in college I eventually went to see a counsellor who helped me through alot. She also said well for my case anyway that there is something even more hurtful when its the mother who drinks, as usually fathers tend to hide it or something like that.

So i eventually confided in a couple of close friends and it was like a weight being lifted off my chest. Anyway she told me i should get to an alanon meeting. Worked up the courage to go a few times couple of close friends even offered to go with me but I always chickened out. Dont know whey but even still to this day I just cant bring myself to go. Guess I will eventually but for now having as little contact as possible seems to be the only thing that works. and as for having a relationship i hope you find someone who loves you enough to not let your parents alcoholisim stand in the way of you having a normal relationship.

My advice to you is go back to counselling if you find it helps you in any way, even having an outlet, someone impartial to talk to about it just helped me so much. Otherwise get as far away from them as possible and not to put yourself in any position where you are dependant on them for anything.

Stay strong OP

xx

username123 · 21-03-2009 04:28PM

Hi OP,
I am also an adult child of an alcoholic. I was living under dreadful circumstances, terrified to move out, trying to juggle all the balls and control the drinking, there was aggression, illness, stress, endless shouting, and plenty more craziness that I wont bother going into - you know what I mean right?

Anyway I became very ill myself, both physically and emotionally. I searched for an answer everywhere, eventually I was down less than 8 stone (all from stress) and the one answer I kept hearing but ignoring was that I should go to Alanon. Couldnt see the point -not me with the problem right?

I had tried every other avenue I could and one evening there was a horrendous scene with my father carried in off the street by 2 neighbours, blood everywhere, a big flap of his scalp torn, shouting his head off, he fell into the kitchen table and smashed it, my mother was in a wheelchair by now (stroke from stress docs said) - he was supposed to be her carer, and she was crying, scared, i was scared, angry, he was stumbling round the house spreading blood everywhere, throwing up, falling things and breaking them - not even recognisably human to be honest at that stage.

Next day i woke up and realised I couldnt go on like this anymore. I looked up the web and found the nearest Alanon meeting - I had tried everything else, this was the last ditch attempt at figuring out how to solve things. I went that evening, and I never looked back. My life was saved - literally. They all thought I was anorexic I was so scrawny and my shoulders all huddled forward. I didnt say a word in the meeting, but when I left I knew Id found a place that could help so I went back the next week, and kept going back. Only 5 weeks after I started going I did move out. There was a terrible scene - I got the strength to deal with it from Alanon.
Bit by bit I started getting my life back.

Having experienced what you are suffering I can only say that after trying EVERYTHING, Alanon was the only answer for me.

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions about it (or anyone else here who may need it, pm its no problem, Id be happy to see other people get the help I got), or if you just want to unload.

Believe me - there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I thought the only way out was suicide or my fathers death - but I found that when I focussed on myself that life changed for the better.

Alcoholic Parents

Comments