I have ZERO friends, life. Please help

LegacyUser · 14-03-2009 09:08PM #1

Hi all,

I dont know how this has happened, but I have no-one left in my life.

I used to have a fairly active social life, college, worked with plenty of people my age (early 20's). I'm 24, and live at home with my folks, and it's just me and them in the house again tonight. I work a full time job in an office environment which is a little older than me on average, which I dont connect with at all.

Since I got with my (now ex, as of 2 weeks ago) girlfriend 3 years ago I gradually cut a lot of people out of my life, because she was insanely jealous, to the point of starting fights even if I wanted to hang out with male friends. I really dont know why I encouraged this behaviour for so long, but it was a mistake needless to say. She kept her friends, I let the few I had go.

I would consider myself relatively "sound", funny, interesting, intelligent. I (as you can prob guess from the aforementioned) have had some misplaced arrogance/grandour issues in the past, and can be quite negative/sceptical in nature. I have a history of depression, but not to a serious degree. I have a very scattered and un-focused/un-planned life - I dont drive @ 24yo/have any savings, despite being in full time job/am very mothered/no movements towards flying the nest.

So it's just me sitting in my house again, not knowing how to put myself out there, or how to act even any more. I dont get the "pints" culture, and seem to turn people off me with my opinions or whatever else, I dont know.

Im not sure what Im trying to achieve wth this thread, but how will I get myself back out there? Facebook? I have over 130 contacts on there, but just dont have the balls to extend myself n tell anyone Im struggling at th moment. I dont know how else I would make that kind of approach? Or just "it's been so long, we have to meet up". It also doesnt help that I dont have a welcoming home/my own place, so in recession times Im essentially banking on big events/nights out to get going socially again, which will be tough.

?

LegacyUser · 14-03-2009 09:38PM

Well you have over 130 contacys on facebook so that's a positive to begin with. You will have to put a bit of effort into talking to old friends again if you want people to meet up for drinks with you though.
Just message a few and yeah you may have to do the ''oh it's been so long since I saw you, what are you up to now?'' But alot of people have to do that and it's fine.
Just be prepared for a few people that won't get back to you but there will be some that will get back to you and just start from there.
Also I would recommend joining a few things, like are you interested in sports, music, dancing? They're all not based around drinking.
You say you're not a positive person, no one on the outside has to know that and once you smack a smile on your face and are friendly and open the above should work.
Good luck.

LegacyUser · 14-03-2009 09:40PM

1. Get in touch with your old mates - they;ll be happy to hear from you (A friend of mine dumps his mates when he gets with someone intially......when they break up, we;re there for him despite him being a bit of a plonker).

2. What are you interested in ? I joined a club a year ago of a sport I enjoy and I am in more contact with members of that that some of my old friends from school/college/work

3. Don't bank on big nights out..... go for a pint or so in your local and just show your face - if you're not into pints then

4. Get involved in your local town's festival/events - you get to meet local people, get to

5. As for turning people off with your opinions, well, maybe you need to find people who either have similar opinions or have the maturity to deal with people they don;t see eye to eye with.

6Learn how to drive.... at your age I had been driving for 6 years, had lived out of home for 4 and was about to head off travelling the world - I'm not having a go but if you live at home, you'll remain stuck in your ways. Get out, move on, take charge and enjoy life.

As an aside, recently I called a friend of mine I hadn;t spoke to in a year or so. Had a great chat and have arranged to meet up for a drink....

LegacyUser · 14-03-2009 11:17PM

Am the same as you, BUT also not have still have over 210,000 "friends"

cantdecide · 14-03-2009 11:41PM

I'd be pretty similar to you and I know I waited too long to move out of home too and it's so stifling. You need to be with your peers I feel...

You're stuck in a rut. You don't have to change everything but change something in your life...

Overheal · 15-03-2009 12:41AM

Well for a start I'd get back in touch with your old friends. Either by email or facebook or phone. Its easier than you think to say yeah I was a d!ck back then.

for example,

---

Hey Steve! Long time no see! How are you getting on? Ever get that job?

I'm not doing too bad myself. I just broke up with the girlfriend and in the last few days its dawned on me that I was a total ass to you and Declan last time we talked. I could blame it all on her being jealous of me not spending time with her but I listened to her.

Other than that I just got a promotion at work so I have a little extra cash to spend on [hobby] again. You still at that? Bla Bla Bla.

Anyway I hope you're doing well. I'll be in town next week if you want to catch up on anything.

TOMH

---

Don't be afraid to put yourself out there a bit and write a good letter to get back in touch, which will increase the likelihood of you getting a good response. As for facebook spend time responding to Wall-Comments, always good craic.

You don't have a car or savings but why not get started? Put a little way each month, go get your provisional, profit! I just got my Drivers License and I've taken out a private loan on a Jeep - I must say, its good so far. I don't have much spending money yet but I do have a lot more autonomy now. If nothing else it will give you a goal to look forward to.

pwd · 15-03-2009 12:50AM

Stop living with your parents.
Move into a house-share with people your own age, or rent your own flat.

towel401 · 15-03-2009 01:17AM

TimeOnMyHands wrote: »

Im not sure what Im trying to achieve wth this thread, but how will I get myself back out there? Facebook? I have over 130 contacts on there, but just dont have the balls to extend myself n tell anyone Im struggling at th moment. I dont know how else I would make that kind of approach? Or just "it's been so long, we have to meet up". It also doesnt help that I dont have a welcoming home/my own place, so in recession times Im essentially banking on big events/nights out to get going socially again, which will be tough.

?

i dunno but if you havn't really bothered with any of these people for a few years i wouldn't expect much. especially at your age people seem to change a lot, feel the need to throw their old life [and therefore anyone associated with the old life] behind them. but its worth a try

cafecolour · 15-03-2009 01:49AM

First off, give yourself a break. You're only 2 weeks out of a 3 year relationship with someone who sounds borderline emotionally abusive. Follow some of the good advice already given for meeting people and contacting old friends, have a little patience, and in a few months your social circle will be resurrecting.

Finally, if you can, move out. You can def make friends while living at home, but living with people is the fastest way to meet new people.

MJOR · 15-03-2009 01:31PM

Well boards is a good place to start. You'll meet plenty of people online. It's also not all about moving out of home. Start a direct debit into a credit union account tp start saving a few bob every month, that sorts out your savings issues.

As for friends stop being so hard on yourself, you'll find some once you get back into things. You've only been single a few weeks and it's hard to get back on your single feet:D

Miss Fluff · 15-03-2009 02:39PM

You shouldn't be living at home at your age. Move into a shared house with people your own age. Make the effort with people you have lost contact with. FB is a great medium for touching base with people so send out a couple of emails to people you were close to suggesting pints soon.

sunnyside · 15-03-2009 05:18PM

bllloooooo wrote: »

6Learn how to drive.... at your age I had been driving for 6 years, had lived out of home for 4 and was about to head off travelling the world - I'm not having a go but if you live at home, you'll remain stuck in your ways. Get out, move on, take charge and enjoy life.

..

Suggesting that the OP compare himself to you isn't helpful. There's no specifiic time when people do things any more. I'm 30 and only learned to drive last year after I bought my own house. Nowadays a lot of retired people head off travelling.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

You shouldn't be living at home at your age. Move into a shared house with people your own age. .

But if he's happy living at home and gets on well with the parents it might be better to save the cost of the rent. Get the parents to teach him to drive. I moved out of home when I was 19 and it definitely made me a more independent person. But if the OP was to move out he could end up in a houseshare where everybody keeps to themselves or they all have girlfriends and he'd still be alone every evening on the internet and watching television.

I can see the problem with the OP's situation but it can be resolved more easily than other PI problems. I think he needs to make some positive changes to his life, structure his days with productive tasks. Ex Monday evening football club, Tuesday evening driving lesson....

I'm recommending the book that goes with the RTE series "Not enough hours" . I bought it myself and it has a lot of good advice on how to structure your days and how to work out what your priorities are and what you want to be doing with your time.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2009 11:00AM

Thanks all, some very solid and pro-active advice offered thus far...

I definitely agree with the fact I should be driving/moved out. My cop-out side tells me I don't overly need to be drivin as I commute to work and am not that active socially, but I know the whole point is the freedom that comes with, which is probably stifling my current social activity. It would make a hell of a lot more sense to be able to just grab my keys and call out/meet up with someone. It's something Ive been putting off, but Ill just do it, as it's not all that expensive anymore.

As for moving out; Unfortunately Im not sure how viable or "pro-active" throwing myself out into the big bad world is in the current economic climate. Again, this sounds like a cop out, and it porbbaly is to an extent, but my job is by no means safe, and with no money behind me it could all end in tears. I will however, and have been meaning to, start a credit union direct debit.

Another saliant point is the possibility that someone mentioned of ending up in a worse situation than my current one, whereas Im left sittin in a box room watchin telly/internet every night versus the relative run of a big house I have now. As much as I get on with my folks (and I really do, they're brilliant to me, and dead-on) I also feel like it's a "once you're out, you're out" situation, if not in reality, at least in my head - i.e. How would I be able to go back home if necessary after living away from it?

I think the timing of this "recession" has been woeful for me, as 18 months ago I fully intended to be up and running with my life by now. Now Im shit scared to take a risk and waste a whole heap of money and time if I get axed in the next couple of months.

Cop-outs a-plenty or genuine considerations???

Overheal · 16-03-2009 05:08PM

well its no harm off your back to start looking around. you might be able to find some decent rent. As for driving not much has changed there - in fact the cost of petrol has been slashed, and the dealerships are all hurting for sales. Its a buyer's market. Even if you dont move out now, you should at least begin the process of getting a full license and an insured car. A car also greatly increases your employment and commuting potential.

As for the job, if its not that secure make sure you're putting that extra bit of effort in, that will make you a retention-worthy employee if the business has to make more cutbacks.

And you still have the internet, and thats fairly free - get on facebook and all that good stuff.

Kevster · 16-03-2009 10:05PM

I want to point out that having 130 contacts on Facebook is actually a bad thing. I seriously doubt that you actually know any of those people very well, and the mere fact that you have so many [contacts] gives you less opportunity to actually learn more about them. What you should do is concentrate on a small, core group of people and become friendly with them.

Don't drown yourself in the 'pseudo' friendship sea... ...take to the shallower waters where everyone is more visible.

LegacyUser · 16-03-2009 10:18PM

omg you are my other half same thing with the friends and stuff.
now im wanting to leave the relationship but i have deserted my friends more or less for the relationship that went wrong

ding-dong · 17-03-2009 10:24PM

Hey op, I think you should try meetup.com - I'm always reading posts about loneliness here and I recently came across that site. There are plenty of opportunities to meet people there. Having said that I haven't gone to any events yet myself, but it sure looks like fun!