Friend 'coming on' to me

LegacyUser · 12-03-2009 12:47AM #1

6 girls out last weekend, my friend who is a big drinker, got more drunk than the rest of us (as usual). Piled into a taxi, got home.We got the very drunk friend into my bed (it was understood we would all double up for the night - have often shared bed with female friends among the group would not think twice about it). Anyway rest of us sat up for a while having tea going over nights events. When I went to bed (double bed in which my frined now comatose in) drunk friend (we had just taken off her boots and made sure she was ok) started taking off her clothes. Says I what the feck are you doing, no response. Anyway she stripped naked and started sidling up to me and opened her legs. She was hammered drunk I hasten to add. I left the room and slept on the couch. Next morning she says she has no recollection and is embarassed that she woke up naked in my room. I did not recount the story to any of the others.
I feel dirty. I have not shared the story with anyone. In a way I suppose no harm done, but I cannot look at my friend in the same light again. Am I being horrible? I feel almost raped, she was quite forceful. On the other hand I am embarrassed for her.
Advice please.

sardineta · 12-03-2009 09:02AM

Did she forcefully rip her clothes off or was it forcefully opening her legs that did it?

puglover · 12-03-2009 09:35AM

Ok do not throw the word "raped" around like that You were not forced to have sex of any sort.

From what you've described the girl got drunk and made a pass at you, you left the room and that was the end of it. Unwanted as her advances may have been, nothing in your description sounds forceful.

Wagon · 12-03-2009 09:50AM

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel almost raped, she was quite forceful.

What

Advice please.

Stop calling it "almost rape" for a start! Jesus.

You're mate was pissed, she probably thought you were a bloke or something. If she has no recollection of it, has she never tried any of this sober? If not, put it down to the booze.

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel dirty.

Why? You didn't do anything! If it bothers you this much tell her what happened, I'm sure she'll apologise.

sportswear · 12-03-2009 10:01AM

yeah your overreacting.

it happens all the time

bluecell99 · 12-03-2009 10:01AM

Sounds as if your friend has a drink problem.Nothing you can do if she does not want to stop but might be best not to be in vulnerable situations with her again as the fallout is never pleasant.

Wibbs · 12-03-2009 10:40AM

I as a guy feel you're over reacting, but that's as a guy. Women are generally much more wary and sensitive to this kinda thing IME and I can fully understand why. As a man I simply don't have that low level background potential threat that a woman may have in this situation.

Personally I would mention it, though in itself that may prove damned uncomfortable for you. A better bet might be to chalk it up to experience and the fact she was hammered and let it go. I would say that in future it might be better if you don't put yourself in that position with this person again when drunk on the back of this.

Dragan · 12-03-2009 10:46AM

I am gonna take a different tactic to be honest.

Are you overreacting somewhat? Yes.

Should you tell your mate? Yes.

She is your friend, she needs to know what can happen when she is too drunk. By the sounds of it you could have been anyone mate and there are blokes out there who will she her being that drunk in a very different light to you.

shellyboo · 12-03-2009 10:50AM

I doubt if it was a male friend and he rubbed his erection up against her while naked we'd say she was overreacting. She was made to feel uncomfortable and pressured, that's not a very nice position to be put in.

OP, you've no reason to feel 'dirty'... You did nothing wrong. Your friend was way out of line, but it seems she has no recollection of the event. Brining it up would only make things worse - if you can, try to just forget about it. Perhaps take a bit of breathing space from this friend for a few weeks.

smileysurfer · 12-03-2009 10:52AM

=Wibbs;59384629]
Personally I would mention it, though in itself that may prove damned uncomfortable for you.

I left the room and slept on the couch. Next morning she says she has no recollection and is embarassed that she woke up naked in my room. I did not recount the story to any of the others.

So the OP said it to the friend im assuming? but still, having no recolection is sounding very suss to me! I had a so called friend once who whenever she got drunk make a pass at me, one time trying to put hands up my skirt and then conviently the next morning claimed to have no recolection! I suggest you bring it up again and explain how its not on! also how uncomfortable it has made you feel.
It was out of order but.....
SERIOUSLY , you were definitely not nearly raped so please dont throw that word around lightly again! :eek:

Beruthiel · 12-03-2009 10:56AM

OP wrote:

I feel almost raped

You weren't. Not even close. And it's a word that should only be used under those specific circumstances.

Dragan wrote: »

She is your friend, she needs to know what can happen when she is too drunk. By the sounds of it you could have been anyone mate and there are blokes out there who will she her being that drunk in a very different light to you.

I totally agree with this.
You could have been anyone and she needs to know how she behaves while that drunk.
The day might come when she would do the exact same thing again but under circcumstances where she could live to regret it for the rest of her life.
Tell her how she behaved.

cantdecide · 12-03-2009 10:59AM

You're entitled to feel the way you feel but i think 'violated' probably covers you. I'd definitely work up the courage to confront her because as posted, you don't want her to think in future she can be so overly familiar.

MoveOn · 12-03-2009 11:02AM

If the OP says she feels almost raped, then it's not helpful for others to belittle that. Feelings are feelings, they're not right or wrong, they're feelings, and that's how she feels. I don't think she's overreacting at all - she's reacting in the way it feels to her.

OP I would imagine that either she genuinely doesn't remember the event or she does and is really embarrassed and pretending she doesn't - either way she's trying to make sure it stays in the past and doesn't have to be dragged up in the cold light of day (and sobriety). I imagine that if you give it a little time, you'll find that how you feel about this whole thing, and her, will wear off and you'll get more of a perspective on it. That's from your point of view. But I also agree with the other posters who said that she might need a rude awakening by being told the sort of thing that can happen when she's that out of it.

What I'd be worried about is her drinking. It does sound like the start of a drink problem. When you say she gets more drunk than the rest of you on a regular basis, how does she achieve this? Does she drink at home before meeting up with the rest of you? Does she sneak drink into a pub/club in, for example, her bag and then drink it when she goes to the toilet? Does she have an extra shot for herself when she goes to the bar on top of what you know she's getting? These things may sound unlikely but unless she has a much lower tolerance than the rest of you, she's getting the extra alcohol into her somehow. As her friend, that's something you may need to try to talk to her about - and if she DOES have a drink problem, that's going to be a much more difficult conversation than any mention of the incident you originally posted about.

Vegeta · 12-03-2009 11:03AM

Does she have a boyfriend? Maybe she confused you for him. How coherent was she?

I'd mark it down as the booze but I'd say it to her anyway. I'd be very tactful about it though. Maybe your friend is gay or bi-sexual and does indeed find you attractive. SO saying 'What the hell were you at last weekend you big les-er?" is not a good idea.

On a side note, I know you used the word for dramatic effect and to emphasise your level or felt violation but I feel the casual use of the word cheapens the severity of rape itself. Hence some of the replies.

Vegeta · 12-03-2009 11:08AM

shellyboo wrote: »

I doubt if it was a male friend and he rubbed his erection up against her while naked we'd say she was overreacting. She was made to feel uncomfortable and pressured, that's not a very nice position to be put in.

If she called what you described rape then yes she'd over reacting

Sexual Assault, yes,

Rape, most definitely not.

As I said I think that sort of association to the word does nothing for women who are truly raped.

shellyboo · 12-03-2009 11:14AM

Vegeta wrote: »

If she called what you described rape then yes she'd over reacting

Sexual Assault, yes,

Rape, most definitely not.

As I said I think that sort of association to the word does nothing for women who are truly raped.

I never said she was right to call it 'almost rape'. I said, if a man had done this to her, people wouldn't be basically telling her to cop on and get over it.

Just because it's a woman who made her feel sexually uncomfortable doesn't make it a non-event. In fact, if a man did this to his male friend he'd probably have a black eye. The OP has every right to feel uncomfortable.

Nevyn · 12-03-2009 11:20AM

OP what happened is not acceptable you are right to be upset about it esp as it will
colour what you think of your friend and how you interact with her going forward.

You need to decide what you need to do next to move on from this,
be it confronting her and telling her what happened so you can be firends
or confronting her and telling her what happened and that is why you can no longer be friends
or quietly dropping her from your life by putting in distance.

How public you want to be about this is up to you and I can understand your
discomfort and upset as it will impact on you and your social circle.

LegacyUser · 12-03-2009 11:24AM

The exact same happened to me - I'm a fella and have shared bed with male friends the odd time after big nights out with nowhere to sleep. Generally in such a state on these occasions that its fully clothed to bed I should add.
Woke up one time with a mate drunkenly groping me a bit and dry humping me! I realised he was completely comatose drunk so just pushed him out of the bed onto the floor. It didn't bother me that much to be honest cos I know I never mentioned it to him and I'm fairly sure he has no memory of it. When you're that hammered and sense someone in the bed beside you it's an unconcious reaction I reckon - the same as if you were in bed with your girlfriend.

Your friend is probably really embarrassed I'd say and if you're good enough friends to be sharing a bed surely you're good enough friends to realise that she was out of her mind and hadn't a clue what she was at. No big deal I say ( apart from possible drinking problem )

Vegeta · 12-03-2009 11:24AM

shellyboo wrote: »

I never said she was right to call it 'almost rape'. I said, if a man had done this to her, people wouldn't be basically telling her to cop on and get over it.

In fairness shelly most people are not saying cop on and get over it, they are saying she is over reacting. By even mentioning the word rape I believe she is over reacting.

So I am saying, no one told her to get over it and I believe that if a man had rubbed his erection off her and called it rape, they'd still say it was over reacting.

Just because it's a woman who made her feel sexually uncomfortable doesn't make it a non-event.

Not many people would argue with you, we have nearly all advised her to take it up with her friend and to get it sorted.

In fact, if a man did this to his male friend he'd probably have a black eye.

I don't see the relevance of this tbh

The OP has every right to feel uncomfortable.

You are dead right and practically everyone on the thread agress with you 100% (myself included) Just a lot of us think mentioning rape in the story is an over reaction.

She should definitely do something about it and NOT "cop on and get over it" She needs to sort it out.

spurious · 12-03-2009 11:31AM

Talk to your friend about it. She more than likely has some memory of it.

She may well have thought you were someone else (a male) as her behaviour is not at all that of a woman seducing another woman. It's a dangerous way for her to be behaving and she needs to know that is what happens when she drinks too much.

Monkey61 · 12-03-2009 11:41AM

Wow OP, that is an amazing overreaction to be having. I presume the overreaction (considering how much you were justifying how okay it is to sleep in the same beds as your friends) stems from the fact that your friend is a girl and you are very uncomfortable with the idea of something like that? I imagine if it was a guy you wouldn't be feeling at all as weird about it.

Saying you were violated or sexually assaulted is ridiculous. Your friend, by the sound of things, wasn't at all aware of what she was doing. If she was that drunk chances are she mistook you for her boyfriend, or somesuch. I always used to worry when sharing a bed with a friend that I would mistake them for my girlfriend and wake up hugging them or something - purely because some behaviours become completely ingrained, especially when you are drunk or practically asleep.

I very much doubt she is in the least bit attracted to you, as even in a drunken state I doubt anyone would think ripping all their clothes off and throwing open their legs would be a good way of coming onto a friend for the first time that they had never even hinted at liking before.

I personally would just drop it, put it down to silly drunken behaviour and try to make a joke out of it yourself. Bear in mind as well that the girl was pretty much asleep anyway, she wasn't fully conscious when this was going on - some people also do stuff like this in their sleep, like sleep walking. I had a friend who when she had been drinking, would routinely take her clothes off in her sleep and wander round the house. I too went through a phase of going walkabout and climbing back into the wrong bed when staying in friends houses.

The only problem here as I see it is that your friend can't hold her booze as well as everyone else - it would probably be as well to have a chat to her about that if you are worried about her safety.

tbh · 12-03-2009 11:48AM

Monkey61 wrote: »

Wow OP, that is an amazing overreaction to be having. I presume the overreaction (considering how much you were justifying how okay it is to sleep in the same beds as your friends) stems from the fact that your friend is a girl and you are very uncomfortable with the idea of something like that? I imagine if it was a guy you wouldn't be feeling at all as weird about it.

Saying you were violated or sexually assaulted is ridiculous. Your friend, by the sound of things, wasn't at all aware of what she was doing. If she was that drunk chances are she mistook you for her boyfriend, or somesuch. I always used to worry when sharing a bed with a friend that I would mistake them for my girlfriend and wake up hugging them or something - purely because some behaviours become completely ingrained, especially when you are drunk or practically asleep.

I very much doubt she is in the least bit attracted to you, as even in a drunken state I doubt anyone would think ripping all their clothes off and throwing open their legs would be a good way of coming onto a friend for the first time that they had never even hinted at liking before.

I personally would just drop it, put it down to silly drunken behaviour and try to make a joke out of it yourself. Bear in mind as well that the girl was pretty much asleep anyway, she wasn't fully conscious when this was going on - some people also do stuff like this in their sleep, like sleep walking. I had a friend who when she had been drinking, would routinely take her clothes off in her sleep and wander round the house. I too went through a phase of going walkabout and climbing back into the wrong bed when staying in friends houses.

The only problem here as I see it is that your friend can't hold her booze as well as everyone else - it would probably be as well to have a chat to her about that if you are worried about her safety.

so - I'm at a party that your sister is also at, I get hammered and later climb into bed naked with your sleeping sister, and start feeling her up - that's fine now is it? must have missed that memo

Monkey61 · 12-03-2009 11:59AM

tbh wrote: »

so - I'm at a party that your sister is also at, I get hammered and later climb into bed naked with your sleeping sister, and start feeling her up - that's fine now is it? must have missed that memo

I presume she would climb out of bed, think "stupid drunken guy" and laugh it off in the morning. If you were a complete stranger she would probably rip the piss out of you and if you were one of her very close friends (as in the OP), she would probably have a quiet word with you about your drinking and the trouble it might get you into.

It's not fine - but I would personally make allowances for stupid drunkenness, provided that it didn't continually occur.

tbh · 12-03-2009 12:02PM

Monkey61 wrote: »

I presume she would climb out of bed, think "stupid drunken guy" and laugh it off in the morning. If you were a complete stranger she would probably rip the piss out of you and if you were one of her very close friends (as in the OP), she would probably have a quiet word with you about your drinking and the trouble it might get you into.

It's not fine - but I would personally make allowances for stupid drunkenness, provided that it didn't continually occur.

fair play. If someone did that to my sister, I would be very upset. If your sister was very upset, you'd probably tell her to get over it yeah?

cantdecide · 12-03-2009 12:03PM

Monkey61 wrote: »

I presume she would climb out of bed, think "stupid drunken guy" and laugh it off in the morning. If you were a complete stranger she would probably rip the piss out of you and if you were one of her very close friends (as in the OP), she would probably have a quiet word with you about your drinking and the trouble it might get you into.

It's not fine - but I would personally make allowances for stupid drunkenness, provided that it didn't continually occur.

This type of things happen even once and lo and behold, your friends immediately stop calling...

MoveOn · 12-03-2009 12:12PM

Monkey61 wrote: »

I imagine if it was a guy you wouldn't be feeling at all as weird about it.

This statement is so ridiculous that I can't believe that anybody would actually make it. At the very least, somebody undressing and behaving in an inappropriate sexual manner is just wrong, simple as, regardless of whether the person is the same gender or the opposite. Are you saying that she would have welcomed the advances if they were from a guy?

Monkey61 wrote: »

If she was that drunk chances are she mistook you for her boyfriend, or somesuch. I always used to worry when sharing a bed with a friend that I would mistake them for my girlfriend and wake up hugging them or something

Assuming that you mean here friends of the opposite sex, I'm not sure many guys (or women) get so drunk that they mistake their friends for their girlfriends/boyfriends, under ANY circumstances. What you're doing sharing a bed with somebody instead of your OH is another matter entirely.

Monkey61 wrote: »

I very much doubt she is in the least bit attracted to you, as even in a drunken state I doubt anyone would think ripping all their clothes off and throwing open their legs would be a good way of coming onto a friend for the first time that they had never even hinted at liking before.

Cos let's face it, everybody behaves in a rational way and thinks completely clearly when they've had far too much to drink (ie mistaking their friends for their girlfriend etc). And on what do you base a statement like 'I very much doubt she is in the least bit attracted to you'? You have no information at all about the friend in question - for all you know she could be deeply attracted to the OP for years, with all the complications that a situation like that would bring!

(At the very least that would explain why she behaved like that - got drunk & thought in her out-of-it-with-alcohol mind that she'd make a pass, except that it was totally OTT and all went horribly wrong. It would also explain why she's so embarrassed - bad enough that she did what she did but if she thinks the OP know knows she's attracted to her, that's a much bigger deal.)

Monkey61 wrote: »

The only problem here as I see it is that your friend can't hold her booze as well as everyone else - it would probably be as well to have a chat to her about that if you are worried about her safety.

This at least makes sense. Whatever else you may do OP, your friend certainly needs to know that the outcome to her getting so drunk that she behaves like this has a lot of potential to lead her into very dangerous situations.

cowzerp · 12-03-2009 12:29PM

tbh wrote: »

so - I'm at a party that your sister is also at, I get hammered and later climb into bed naked with your sleeping sister, and start feeling her up - that's fine now is it? must have missed that memo

They are friends and knew they where sleeping together, hardly the same as some sleeze climbing into a girls bed to grope her!

The problem here is not the op but the girl who could get used in different circumstances, tell her for her own good-try not to be too critical as i'd be quite sure she was doing it subconsciously and not deliberte at all.

Oh The Humanity · 12-03-2009 12:30PM

OP, you have to sit your friend down and tell her what happened. Dont spare the detail. Dont be accusatory.

You indicate in your post that her over-drinking is usual for her, well this is a red flag, she needs a reality check.

I am guessing she is straight and she thought you were a bloke? It hardly matters anyway, she totally lost control of herself and embarassed, disgusted and inconvenienced you.

She needs to know that, in order that she has a good think about how she is abusing drink and whether she wants to do something about it.

Tell her in a non judgemental way, but also indicate that you are lettting her know and putting it back on her plate. Let her know ye all all fed up pouring her into taxis at the end of the night and that ye all wont carry on enabling her indefinitely.

Finally, I think from what you describe that she wwas not aware of her actions, so while I would be put out, on this occasion I wouldnt take it personally, as in I dont think she was making a pass at you.

You were just a warm body in the wrong place at the wrong time. However I would let it be known she is barred from your bed going forward.

Monkey61 · 12-03-2009 01:36PM

MoveOn wrote: »

Are you saying that she would have welcomed the advances if they were from a guy?

Assuming that you mean here friends of the opposite sex, I'm not sure many guys (or women) get so drunk that they mistake their friends for their girlfriends/boyfriends, under ANY circumstances. What you're doing sharing a bed with somebody instead of your OH is another matter entirely.

I would have thought it was perfectly obvious that I was suggesting no such thing! Based on the info given I was theorizing that her absolute disgust was perhaps related to the fact that it was a person of the same gender that was hitting on her. I imagine that might make some people freak out a bit more than others if they weren't comfortable with that sort of thing. I was asking the OP if that was true, because if so, it would be easier to provide advice and rationalise with her to help her feel less horrified.

I don't by the way mean friends of the opposite sex. I think it is perfectly reasonable that in the middle of the night, whilst asleep one might follow usual behaviour and roll over and put an arm around the person next to you, purely because it is what you are used to doing every night of the year.

And as somebody has thankfully pointed out in relating to other points - the person in the OP's bed was a good friend who was passed out drunk already - not a random stranger who climbed into her bed with the express intention of drunkenly molesting her!! There is a big difference.

Dragan · 12-03-2009 01:47PM

Monkey61 wrote: »

And as somebody has thankfully pointed out in relating to other points - the person in the OP's bed was a good friend who was passed out drunk already - not a random stranger who climbed into her bed with the express intention of drunkenly molesting her!! There is a big difference.

Yeah, i mean, bedsharing is CLEARLY an invitation that it's cool to try and have sex with someone.

If a "good friend" of mine got hammered and acted this way with another "good friend" of mine, you would be sure that good friend A would know all about it.

For their benefit and the people they wish to call friends.

Be you male or female, and be the person in question male or female, there is nothing quite so pathetic as drinking yourself beyond the point of remembering exactly those relationships and trusts.

tbh · 12-03-2009 01:51PM

Monkey61 wrote: »

I imagine if it was a guy you wouldn't be feeling at all as weird about it.

MoveOn wrote: »

Are you saying that she would have welcomed the advances if they were from a guy?

Monkey61 wrote: »

I would have thought it was perfectly obvious that I was suggesting no such thing!

Not that obvious, with respect Monkey. You made the point that the main reason the OP was freaking out was because it was another girl involved. I think that's an invalid point, in fairness.

And as somebody has thankfully pointed out in relating to other points - the person in the OP's bed was a good friend who was passed out drunk already - not a random stranger who climbed into her bed with the express intention of drunkenly molesting her!! There is a big difference.

Is there? Are you telling me that someone who is assaulted by a friend (whether intentionally or not) is less hurt by the act than if it had been a stranger? REALLY? And intention has nothing to do with it, say I fell into bed with your sister, not even knowing she was there - and then in the middle of the night took my clothes off, would that make your sister any less upset?

This is a misunderstanding, I accept that. The OP's friends behaviour was no less unacceptable for that. Nobody has the right to tell the OP that she shouldn't be upset about this.

Friend 'coming on' to me

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