Yeah I'm in the wrong but is this really that big of a deal??

Leeby · 02-10-2008 03:18PM

meglome wrote: »

I'm a bit amazed by the reactions to the OP. Of course he should have asked but this video was only seen by him and accidentally by her sister, and at that it was just his OH showering. Jesus he just wanted a bit of titillation with a girl he's been seeing for ten years. He didn't cheat, he didn't show it to anyone, he normally gets to see her naked anway so no biggie as far as I can see. How posters are comparing this to abuse and rape is beyond me.

If it's on his camera, how does he know noone else picked it up and had a nosey? Not expecting to find that obviously, but someone could have been in his house after a night out and decided to have a look through the camera for photos of the night before and found the video. If he forgot he even had the video on there, who knows how careless he's been about leaving it lying around?

meglome · 02-10-2008 03:23PM

Leeby wrote: »

If it's on his camera, how does he know noone else picked it up and had a nosey? Not expecting to find that obviously, but someone could have been in his house after a night out and decided to have a look through the camera for photos of the night before and found the video. If he forgot he even had the video on there, who knows how careless he's been about leaving it lying around?

Or maybe the CIA is bugging the place too... what we do know is his OH's sister saw a video of his OH showering. Again I repeat he should have asked but it's really not as serious as his OH has made it out to be. And certainly he's no pervert.

SarahJ · 02-10-2008 03:25PM

Leeby wrote: »

If it's on his camera, how does he know noone else picked it up and had a nosey? Not expecting to find that obviously, but someone could have been in his house after a night out and decided to have a look through the camera for photos of the night before and found the video. If he forgot he even had the video on there, who knows how careless he's been about leaving it lying around?

I think the saying 'coulda shoulda woulda' needs to be used here. What if he did this, what if he did that. you are totally over-analysing this situation.

Wagon · 02-10-2008 03:31PM

Leeby wrote: »

Yeah I know it was an extreme comparison, that's why I said so. All I meant was that you can't apply the logic that "she's my girlfriend, I can do whatever I want" to any violation.

I just think what the OP did was really awful, and his girlfriend is right to be VERY upset over it. None of us can know how she feels as we're not in her position, however, I will concede that I don't think I'd break up with my partner if he did that, but I also certainly wouldn't let him off lightly!

I still think a big issue he needs to deal with is why he felt the need to do this in secret.

Fair enough. I still think you could write for the daily mail.

BAN THIS SICK FILTH!
Pervo boyfriend caught in the act

DISGUSTING man makes sick porno of his loving girlfriend of ten years while she was innocently taking a shower.

PERVY PEEPER
The man when questioned about his actions claim he was attracted to her an was only having a laugh. But it's no joke when the punchline is RAPE.

and so forth...

Look, Im not saying it was polite but I think we can give the bloke some credit and assume he's not that stupid to show his mates. From what he's written , he seems a little confused and somewhat angry about how this has turned out for him when he was just attracted his girlfriend adn was having a bit of a mess. The ladies lounge have arrived with pitchforks at dawn to maim the poor chap, but im still ging to say she was being a bit of a sly bitch looking for an easy way out of this relationship and playing the victim. Is that alright to do? I suppose her happiness is all that matters after all.

Oryx · 02-10-2008 03:35PM

OP, you go home tonight and your brother phones to say hes just found a video of you naked in the shower on a sim card belonging to your girlfriend. You never knew she filmed you. Think about it and seriously, tell me how you would feel?

LegacyUser · 02-10-2008 03:38PM

That is absolutely outrageous Wagon! In all fairness now, this was a violation of her privacy no matter what way you look at it. Being a person's partner does not give you carte blanc to invade their privacy in this manner.
It's up to the girlfriend to decide whether she feels this is a serious enough issue to end the relationship. My boyfriend would never dream of filming me in secret as I was at my most vulnerable.
His intentions are beside the point, the fact of the matter is that to record a person (girlfriend of ten years or not) in such a private act WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE is simply unacceptable...and creepy quite frankly. She is absolutely justified in questioning his motives.
I find it very surprising that the poor girl on the receiving end of this would be the one to receive all the abuse 'sly bitch' etc...for God's sake...all she did was take a shower.

SarahJ · 02-10-2008 03:41PM

Oryx wrote: »

OP, you go home tonight and your brother phones to say hes just found a video of you naked in the shower on a sim card belonging to your girlfriend. You never knew she filmed you. Think about it and seriously, tell me how you would feel?

Tbh, its different and you know it. They guy would probably be delighted

Oryx · 02-10-2008 03:52PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Tbh, its different and you know it. They guy would probably be delighted

Well I was going to say a vid of him sitting on the bog picking his nose, to make it feel like a more accurate comparison. Its hard to express how vulnerable such a thing can make a woman feel. Which is why I said to think about it.

AckwelFoley · 02-10-2008 03:53PM

i think you're gf is over reacting somewhat, if all the details are disclosed as you have stated.

So you took pics of her showering and you wanted to perhaps video yourselves shagging? Wow - no big deal there imo, the big deal would be if you showed them to a friend or went to sell them on ebay, or the biggest sin of all - if you would rather watch the video of you and her having sex on the 42" plasma tv with surround sound with some mates and a crate of dutch gold.

Personally, i think you may have fed her over reaction too much by putting to much weight on the issue, i dont think its a big deal. Simply tell her you think she is so beautiful, and you use it to pleasure yourself while she is out with friends, assure her it was purely for personal use and not for publication or sale.

Macha · 02-10-2008 03:54PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Tbh, its different and you know it. They guy would probably be delighted

Why is it different? Because he's male? So men are so sex-crazed that all other notions go flying out the window at a hint of any sort of sexual interest/activity involving them? Please, this is 2008.

Oryx · 02-10-2008 03:55PM

To me the issue would not be the video itself. Its the not knowing he did it. Id be furious, simply because christ, if he did that, what else is he not telling me?

Ginny · 02-10-2008 03:59PM

meglome wrote: »

So you don't mind your boyfriend looking at porn?

She taking a shower which he has already seen many times in person but the man in him just wanted a bit of slightly illicit video to look at in private. I think some people in here are very hung up on how their bodies look. Personally after knowing someone for so long, as long as it was kept private, I wouldn’t have the slightest problem.

Porn is consentual this was not.
You also assuming he has seen her before shower with her consent.

IMO itsgot absolutely nothing got to do with body image, its got to do with the Gfs right to privacy and respect, so what if they're going out 10 years, how does that give him the right to secretly film her in the shower, honestly I am astounded at peoples reactions on here.
Everyone has a right to privacy even from the person they're in a relationship with, jesus how many PIs have there been with OPs been condemned for looking through a partners texts, but filming them secretly in the shower is ok?

Burial · 02-10-2008 04:01PM

Some people here seriously need to look at themselves. I mean if you need your BF/GF to violate you after 10 years to make you feel special, I'd hardly call that a healthy relationship...

StormWarrior · 02-10-2008 04:03PM

You're not a pervert, but filming her without permission was a violation, especially not deleting it afterwards. I would be furious if my boyfriend did that. The other thing is, she only found out you had filmed her by accident, so for all she knows, you could be violating her or breaching her trust in other ways. How can she trust you? Also the humiliation of her sister seeing must be pretty embarrassing.

SarahJ · 02-10-2008 04:17PM

taconnol wrote: »

Why is it different? Because he's male? So men are so sex-crazed that all other notions go flying out the window at a hint of any sort of sexual interest/activity involving them? Please, this is 2008.

Yes precisely because he's is male. Say what you want, it's true

Macha · 02-10-2008 04:26PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Yes precisely because he's is male. Say what you want, it's true

Of course, silly me. I actually thought that men didn't just think with their pants and had brains that they can choose to use. But as you say, it doesn't matter what I think because you have the minds of 50% of the world's population all wrapped up.

OP, just going back to the title of the thread, you say that you accept you were wrong. It's also clear from your first post that you're aware of what everyone has brought up-keeping it secret, not getting her permission, her embarrassment. So I think the best thing is to really stress to her that you're aware that you've made a mistake.

I personally wouldn't go as far as calling you a pervert and definitely wouldn't break up over this but really it's up to her to forgive you.

Oryx · 02-10-2008 04:31PM

OP, if you want to *try* to make things right with this girl, then sit down with her and ask her to tell you why she feels so bad about what you did. And listen. Dont talk, or defend yourself, or explain. Just listen till she has offloaded all the hurt and anger and surprise she feels. Do not row about it. You already know you fcuked up, this is about making amends. Regardless of whether you think its a big deal or not, she obviously does. You need to suck it up and allow her to give you hell. Cos sometimes, once you get a chance to do that, you can let it go and forgive.

*edit. The only thing you are allowed to interrupt with is 'sorry'

metaoblivia · 02-10-2008 04:34PM

I'm really shocked by some of the opinions on here. I bet many of those people have never been filmed in a private moment without their consent. I have. I had a stalker who took pictures and videos of me without my consent, and claimed to have taken some in my home. I only found out when he tried to use the video to blackmail me into giving him my new address (I moved to a different part of the country after he broke into my home and assaulted me). You have no idea how violated this makes you feel. No idea.
No one has a right to film anyone else without their consent. The difference between the OP's case and porn is that the girls in porn are paid professionals who are knowingly being filmed. It doesn't matter that the OP was in a relationship with this girl - it doesn't give him the right to invade her privacy, never mind film her without her consent or knowledge.
If it was truly a bit of fun, why not tell her and let her in on the fun?
In any event, I would have dumped the OP too. A disregard of privacy is a deal breaker for me.

trio · 02-10-2008 04:40PM

The thing is, loads of people have said she's over-reacting, but I just looked at the OP's original post and she hasn't broken up with him. She's just gotten absolutely bloody furious and is disgusted with him. She's calling him all the names under the sun in the heat of temper and shock. She's thoroughly freaked out but she hasn't dumped him.

It's actually HIM who's thinking of breaking up with HER!

So HE'S the one considering throwing 10 years away over this, it seems to me. Seems like she's just raging at him but since she hasn't dumped him. She must think there's possibly a way past this when things (and she) have calmed down.

Meanwhile he's so insulted that he's thinking of dumping her ass!

To that I respond this - OP if you really, really, really can't see why your girlfriend is so upset? Then you don't know her at all. And maybe you should end it.

Wagon · 02-10-2008 04:48PM

meow_ington wrote: »

That is absolutely outrageous Wagon!

I aim to please

In all fairness now, this was a violation of her privacy no matter what way you look at it. Being a person's partner does not give you carte blanc to invade their privacy in this manner.
It's up to the girlfriend to decide whether she feels this is a serious enough issue to end the relationship. My boyfriend would never dream of filming me in secret as I was at my most vulnerable.
His intentions are beside the point, the fact of the matter is that to record a person (girlfriend of ten years or not) in such a private act WITHOUT THEIR KNOWLEDGE is simply unacceptable...and creepy quite frankly. She is absolutely justified in questioning his motives.
I find it very surprising that the poor girl on the receiving end of this would be the one to receive all the abuse 'sly bitch' etc...for God's sake...all she did was take a shower.

Yeah i know, and all he did was make a tape of it for himself (once again, im not saying it was right to keep secret) but there's some here comparing it to rape and that he's a pervert and that she could go to the guards with it. And I'm being called outrageous...makes sense...

Anyway, that's just my opinion as a smelly perverted bloke. Guess ill go choke some hookers with a cat's intestines.

LegacyUser · 02-10-2008 04:52PM

Wagon wrote: »

Guess ill go choke some hookers with a cat's intestines.

Now that's hardly an adult response is it? I'm not calling him a pervert,I'm simply saying that there are unanswered questions as to why he felt the need to keep this little film to himself. It's a bit underhanded and not what a mature adult person does in an open and honest relationship. And as Trio says, he now wants to dump HER? Hardly makes sense.

Nevyn · 02-10-2008 04:57PM

Wagon less of the inflammatory posting as it is unhelpful and
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

von Neumann · 02-10-2008 05:04PM

Yea, I think that she is totally over reacting.

But you obviously upset her alot and that's what really matters.

I reckon it's time to take it like a man and see the bigger picture.

Just my 2c

Nevyn · 02-10-2008 05:10PM

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

it was simply a once off just being a lad etc.

That is not a good enough excuse, fair enough you say it was out of the normal for you but that does not make it acceptable, behaviour or normal 'lad' behaviour.

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Now she didn't actually see me videoing her nor did she know that I had done it.

That is where you went wrong.

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

So my girlfriend has thrown a complete wobbler, called me a pervert, dirty minded so and so etc and give me a huge lecture on how filming her without her consent is against the law etc,

I don't blame her and she is right is it against the law do film her with out consent.

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

basically making me out to be the worst in the world. She actually now thinks that I have some sort of sex sickness..

I doubt that is the case but you haven't show her that you are not that,
have you even said sorry to her or have you tried to explain it away ?

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Now I do understand this. I understand that she is probably majorly embarressed about her sister seeing it and I understand that she probably thinks that I make a habit of it, or that I have been showing it to mates or something. Which is totally understandable, but I honestly would never do anything or the sort. It was merely a once off thing, acting the bollox at home one night.

You have to convince her of that, a good start would be acknowledging that she is hurt and upset, that you caused it and say sorry for it, even if you ment no harm it has harmed your relationship with her.

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Yes she should be angry but its at the stage where she never wants to talk to me again over it, I really don't think it warrants that. It's not like its some other girl, it was her naked I was looking at??.

She could be feeling that betrayed.

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Anyhow thoughts please, what should I do?. I'm actually thinking of knocking it on the head after her making me out to be a complete pervert when really I'm just a young enogh guy with a healthy appetite for sex who likes to look at his other half naked. Is that so bad??

There is a difference between looking at her naked and filming her with out her permission to look at her when ever you want.
You crossed a line, one what is serious enough that your 10 year relationship may end over it.
You need to take responsibility for your actions and the harm and hurt they have caused and own up to it and listen to her and say sorry.
Then when she has calmed down try and figure a way past this, ask her what it will take for you both to come to terms with this, even couples counselling if needs be.

Wagon · 02-10-2008 05:29PM

meow_ington wrote: »

Now that's hardly an adult response is it?

nope. it was fun though.

All im saying is that she's taking it over the top. anyway, i got infracted for it. woohoo!

St Bill · 02-10-2008 09:01PM

Op it sounds to me that YOU are using this as an excuse to dump HER (despite the accusations in this thread that she's the one using it as an excuse). You have done something that has upset her, stop making excuses for your behaviour and apologise.
It seems to me that you might have thought that she wouldn't agree to being filmed, and so you filmed her in secret..... and I think that's the scary bit about it. I know I would feel the same as she did.

roberta c · 02-10-2008 09:32PM

Lots of people are saying shes over-reacting??!!!
How low self esteem do you people have to think you'd be flattered by this!! if shes old enough to have been in a 10 year relationship then she must be pretty replulsive by now and glad that her OP still likes her..

Well guess what, its HER f***ing body, she owns it, she gets to say when it gets seen and filmed, she gets to decide when to share it with someone she trusts.

She obviously takes the same view as alot of people n here that it was a breech of trust therefore those are the opinions you should be trying to understand OP.
If After 10 YEARS you dont understand how she sees this a betrayal then yes dump her please, you clearly never respected her and your never going to.

LegacyUser · 02-10-2008 09:35PM

Thank you for your posts guys, appreciate both the good and bad comments.

Basically our relationship wasn't in jeopardy to start with. Of course it wasn't rosey
all the way and we had our ups and downs, but funnily enough at the time her sister called
to tell her we were actually booking our next holiday abroad. So yeah the whole break up is based on the events of the last week or so.

A lot of you are mentioning that she doesn't know what else I've been upto, which is fair enough but I think after this amount of time she should at least know I'm not the type to go around showing this video elsewhere. I'm actually a bit bothered over that, as personally I wouldn't like any of my mates seeing or knowing what my girlfriend of 10 years looks like naked. Obviously not something that we have spoken about in the past, but after that amount of time I think you should at least know the mentality of your partner.

Yes its true she probably didn't think I was capable of taking a video of her either, but like I said it was purely a once off, spur of the moment thing. Why didn't I ask permission?, I really don't have a straight answer to that one unfortunately. At the time it probably wasn't what was going through my head, but I probably should have told her about it afterwards...

And why didn't I do that?. Well its partly because I forgot about the whole thing to be honest, but the idea of having a video of my girlfriend naked on tap at the time sounded alright to me. Very selfish of me I know, but at the end of the day I'm a guy and have the exact same needs, wants and sex drive as any other guy. As as we all know these needs don't always follow logic and the right thing to do..

I respect that its a complete invasion of privacy on my behalf, but not something to warrant the breakup of a serious long term relationship in my eyes. I know I am in the wrong to certain degrees, but I can't understand how it comes across as "sick" to a lot of you to be honest. Its not porn, its not another woman. Its a very small clip of the woman that I love and have shared over 10 years of my life with.

axer · 02-10-2008 10:09PM

TBH OP I can see how it happened. I think my girlfriend is at her most beautiful when she is not posing for the camera. I love taking photos of her when she is not aware that I am (obviously not whilst she is naked) but I can understand that you saw her in the shower thought she was beautiful, wanted to capture it on camera and forgot about it. Stupid thing to do in a way but I can understand how it happened without you being an abuser or sex pervert as some are saying.

You just need to understand that at the moment your girlfriend is in shock and doesn't know how to deal with the situation so she is acting how society is expecting her to act or how she thinks her sister thinks she should be acting. She has a right to be angry (which you know) and in anger people do say things they don't mean - they just want to hurt the other person.

The problem arises whereby you get defensive whilst she is angry. That makes it look like you don't think you are wrong at all (even though you are just defending yourself against being called a pervert) even though you do know you were wrong.

It could be argued that she should not have given out the memory card without checking what was on it first (a silly thing to do on her behalf since there could have been very embarressing images/videos of you on the card too) but still someone could have come across the camera and looked at it all the same.

At this point all you can do is keep apologising to her and stop arguing back since, as I said earlier, defending yourself makes you look like you don't think you did anything wrong. Let her know you are sorry and listen to her - let her do the talking. Don't expect this trust to be rebuilt over-night - it will take time and effort but when she calms down and comes out of the shock then things should improve.

Good luck and learn from this.

G&T · 02-10-2008 10:49PM

Wondering if a grand gesture would help!

Thinking Adam in cold feet,with the rose;)

I think she will calm down you just have to give her time,
am sure deep down she knows your not a pervert
but when faced with something shocking the common
reaction would be fight and flight.

Try to get her alone(no drink) and listen to her,
tell her your sorry and it will never happen again.

Yeah I'm in the wrong but is this really that big of a deal??

Comments