Yeah I'm in the wrong but is this really that big of a deal??

SpookyDoll · 02-10-2008 12:10PM

She is looking for a reason to dump the fella, this is no way a red card offence.

Shes playing the dying swan to the max here. If all was rosy in the garden otherwise she would just find it funny and flattering, instead of acting wounded and trying to take the moral high ground.

All this about invasion of privacy is just splitting hairs, do they not see each other naked all the time sure? Shower together, take naughty pics in those 10 years.....? I dont believe anyone in a relationship could get so bent outta shape about this.

rvd156 · 02-10-2008 12:14PM

Spookydoll you are talking some good Sh!t here...

There is an underlying reason for the break up not just this recording of her in the shower....

unhappycamper · 02-10-2008 12:15PM

TBH mate after 10 years your girl should be flattered that you are perverting on her with a handy cam. She should see it as a compliment as opposed to breaking her civil liberties. It is not like you showed it to your mates now is it? That would be a different story altogether..

Rosita · 02-10-2008 12:18PM

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

I will try to make this as short as possible, just looking for an opinion or two. I have broken up with my girlfriend of 10+ years over not something exactly stupid but in my eyes doesn't warrant a breakup.

Basically we moved into a house a while back and one night while she was taking a shower, I took about a 5 minute video on my camera of her taking a shower. Let me stress that this is not something I am into by any means, it was simply a once off just being a lad etc. Now she didn't actually see me videoing her nor did she know that I had done it.

Obviously I love how my girlfriends looks and like what she looks like naked, so yes I hung onto the video to cop a peek at her in the nip once in a while but then basically the whole thing slipped my mind. To cut a long story short, she lent her sister the memory card from my camera and well you can guess what happened from there...

So my girlfriend has thrown a complete wobbler, called me a pervert, dirty minded so and so etc and give me a huge lecture on how filming her without her consent is against the law etc, basically making me out to be the worst in the world. She actually now thinks that I have some sort of sex sickness..

Now I do understand this. I understand that she is probably majorly embarressed about her sister seeing it and I understand that she probably thinks that I make a habit of it, or that I have been showing it to mates or something. Which is totally understandable, but I honestly would never do anything or the sort. It was merely a once off thing, acting the bollox at home one night.

Yes she should be angry but its at the stage where she never wants to talk to me again over it, I really don't think it warrants that. It's not like its some other girl, it was her naked I was looking at??.

Anyhow thoughts please, what should I do?. I'm actually thinking of knocking it on the head after her making me out to be a complete pervert when really I'm just a young enogh guy with a healthy appetite for sex who likes to look at his other half naked. Is that so bad??

I have to say that, while a silly thing to do, does seem like something that could be sorted out without the whole 'betrayal of trust' routine especially after 10+ years together.

It doesn't seem like sufficient evidence to me to brandish someone you've spent 10 years with as a pervert.

Nevyn · 02-10-2008 12:19PM

Lads what is important is how she views it and if she thinks it was a deal breaker.
Clearly she does.

dango · 02-10-2008 12:19PM

As has been already posted there's obviously an underlying issue here. I think it would be a good idea to sit down and talk about the problems in your relationship rather than focusing on the camera incident too much.

she is in possession of the sim card that she doesn't go to the garda with it.

Seriously. Come off it.

rvd156 · 02-10-2008 12:23PM

HERES THE REASONING...

*If its on the internet.... YOU SHOULD BE DUMBED
*If you showed it to your mates....YOU SHOULD BE DUMBED
*If you have 10,20,30,40,50+ videos of her stashed under your bed...YOU SHOULD BE DUMBED.

He simply recorded one video....

Lock the man away....:rolleyes:

Katgurl · 02-10-2008 12:28PM

Probably irrelevant because I'm not the OPs partner but personally i'd be delighted to thihnk my partner of 10 years was that into the sight of me naked.

rvd156 · 02-10-2008 12:31PM

Katgurl wrote: »

Probably irrelevant because I'm not the OPs partner but personally i'd be delighted to thihnk my partner of 10 years was that into the sight of me naked.

Thank you...About time someone from the female side agreed with some of us...

Apart from spookydoll cz she is posting good Sh!t too....:D

Nevyn · 02-10-2008 12:36PM

rvd156 Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Hrududu · 02-10-2008 12:38PM

The thing is she doesnt know its just one video or how noble his intentions were. All she knows is all of a sudden she realises that without her knowledge her boyfriend filmed her while she was in the shower. For all she knows he has done this countless times, showed the lads, uploaded it. He can tell her he has never done any such thing but before she found it she probably would have said he would never have filmed her at all.

From her perspective it looks very seedy.

F.A. · 02-10-2008 12:45PM

DirtyOldMan wrote: »

Why is it though that most women accept that guys look at porn, or check out other girls or even masturbate thinking about other girls (my ex also is of this mindset), though I make a 5 minute video of her and its such a big deal?. That is the part I am struggling with to be honest...likes its un-natural that I have those urges about her?. Doesn't make any sense to me at all. If it was the other way round minus the family seeing the video, I think I would be a bit flattered.

There is a huge difference between looking at porn containing women you don't know & care about & who quite likely knew they were being filmed and your girlfriend who you filmed without her consent or even knowledge! That you consider your filming her in the same league as watching porn says a lot about you, to be honest. You basically used her like an object by not letting her know and agree or disagree. Basically, you used her for self-gratification without her consent. It's a bit as if you'd masturbate on her while she's asleep and thus not able to (dis)allow what's happening.

As was rightly pointed out before: why do it in secret if she would have allowed you to do it had you asked? I assume it added to the kick? So basically, her not giving consent gave you a thrill - that's what my take on this would be if I was her. Some girls might get a kick out of it, but I guarantee plenty would be extremely disturbed/shocked/offended by your actions, and quite a few would dump you.

Leeby · 02-10-2008 12:47PM

Oh my god, why the hell would you do that?? You need to ask yourself why you felt the need to be so sneaky and underhanded when you know she wouldn't have minded if you'd just told her. Did you enjoy the fact that she was completely unaware? I think you need to admit to yourself that there had to have been a reason for you to keep this a secret, whether it's that you knew she wouldn't like it, or that the peeping tom thing turns you on.

In my opinion this is most definately a red card offence. To those who say she should be flattered, that's really not the point. Yeah it might've been flattering if you were in the shower and your boyfriend of 10 years came in and said "you look great, I'm getting a video!" Then she probably would've been flattered, either way flattery is not the issue here.

Just because you've been together ten years, does not give you the right to do something like that. You could apply the same logic to raping her. "Well she said no to sex, but she's my girlfriend of ten years so I'm just gonna go ahead and force myself on her". I know that's an extreme comparison but the logic is still the same. Just because she's your girlfriend doesn't give you the right to do whatever you like to her.

Ginny · 02-10-2008 12:51PM

Hrududu wrote: »

The thing is she doesnt know its just one video or how noble his intentions were. All she knows is all of a sudden she realises that without her knowledge her boyfriend filmed her while she was in the shower. For all she knows he has done this countless times, showed the lads, uploaded it. He can tell her he has never done any such thing but before she found it she probably would have said he would never have filmed her at all.

From her perspective it looks very seedy.

It does, finding the one person you trust completely has secret footage of you can completely skew any opinions you had about them beforehand and will have you doubting their revelations about it being the first time, who has seen it etc...

Wagon · 02-10-2008 01:00PM

I can see where this thread is going/has probably already gone.

I think she's over reacting, Definately. I'm a bloke by the way, I would ask first but still it's 10 years you've been together. The way she's going on you'd swear it was someone else in the video. Id agree with SpookyDoll and say she was looking for a reason to end it and this is the perfect one. Or she's just nuts or on the rag or both. Either way, it might have been closing time anyway.

Leeby wrote: »

You could apply the same logic to raping her. "Well she said no to sex, but she's my girlfriend of ten years so I'm just gonna go ahead and force myself on her". I know that's an extreme comparison but the logic is still the same.

I know what you mean, cameras commiting rape has gone up nearly 46% since the introduction of Firewire. Sorry, but a bit too extreme there.

gazzer · 02-10-2008 01:21PM

Im sure if the girlfriend had asked the OP if she could take the memory card out of the phone then this could have been all nipped in the bud.

I really think the girlfriend is overreacting. I could totally understand if the video was posted on the net or if the OP had a load of pervy videos on his phone but all he did was film his girlfriend of 10 years naked and kept it on his phone. I cant understand why she is so angry. She should be thrilled that after 10 years they still have such a lust for each other.

Gyalist · 02-10-2008 01:21PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

What he did was wrong, disrespectful and he needs to be careful as she is in possession of the sim card that she doesn't go to the garda with it.

Huh? I would love to be a fly-on-the-wall when she turns up at the garda station demanding that they take action.

Macha · 02-10-2008 01:35PM

Gyalist wrote: »

Huh? I would love to be a fly-on-the-wall when she turns up at the garda station demanding that they take action.

Oh yes because everybody knows that abuse can never exist within a relationship. Sure only strangers do that sort of thing. Pathetic. Irish. Catholic attitude: "it doesn't matter what they do to each other, as long as they're married".

I love the way many of the men's responses are "jesus she should just be grovelling on the floor for the fact that he still fancies her". Ridiculous.

tbh · 02-10-2008 01:37PM

unhappycamper wrote: »

It is not like you showed it to your mates now is it? That would be a different story altogether..

how does his other half know that he didn't?

rvd156 · 02-10-2008 01:42PM

Thaedydal wrote: »

rvd156 Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Didn't realise I was breaking rules...My bad....

Marksie · 02-10-2008 01:46PM

OK lets calm it down here.

Take a breath and deal with the OP

Pete4779 · 02-10-2008 01:48PM

I don't think you were in the wrong, and also that it is not that big a deal.

However, she clearly has used this to put herself in charge of her relationship. I say her because after 10 years, for her to break up with over this, means she was or only has been thinking of herself.

basically, you should try and move on if at all possible. Was she a "life partner" - i.e., someone you were going to marry or live with for the rest of your life? Sometimes relationships just need a little clarity to see through them clearly. She was not that into staying with you, IMHO.

has she met anyone else?

SarahJ · 02-10-2008 02:04PM

Ok, it was bad to film her without her knowing, personally I would freak out, but, I don't know if its worth breaking a 10 year relationship over.

The fact that he hadn't deleted it when he gave the sim card over to the sister tells me that he had actually forgotten about it, which is a good sign obv.

I'd love to know what actions she would have taken if it was a video of someone else!!

useful_contacts · 02-10-2008 02:32PM

im with my partner nearly 5 years and if he did that 2 me it wouldnt bother me at all, after 10 years she should know weather ur the kinda person who,d show it to his mates or not and if she doesnt then shes not a very good gf

IMHO i think its a total overreaction, and she shouldnt have just given the memory card 2 her sis what kinda twit is she, i always double check stuff like that before i lend it to people, and if it was your memory card she should have asked first

just my 2 cents:rolleyes:

tbh · 02-10-2008 02:45PM

useful_contacts wrote: »

im with my partner nearly 5 years and if he did that 2 me it wouldnt bother me at all, after 10 years she should know weather ur the kinda person who,d show it to his mates or not and if she doesnt then shes not a very good gf

IMHO i think its a total overreaction, and she shouldnt have just given the memory card 2 her sis what kinda twit is she, i always double check stuff like that before i lend it to people, and if it was your memory card she should have asked first

just my 2 cents:rolleyes:

I think you're slightly missing the point.

after 10 years she should know weather ur the kinda person who,d show it to his mates or not and if she doesnt then shes not a very good gf

She obviously thought that he wouldn't be the type of bloke who'd take a vid of her in the first place. Now she doesn't know what kind of bloke he is. And really, whether it'd bother you or not isn't really relevant, there could be things that would freak you right out that she wouldn't bat an eyelid at.

meglome · 02-10-2008 03:07PM

I'm a bit amazed by the reactions to the OP. Of course he should have asked but this video was only seen by him and accidentally by her sister, and at that it was just his OH showering. Jesus he just wanted a bit of titillation with a girl he's been seeing for ten years. He didn't cheat, he didn't show it to anyone, he normally gets to see her naked anway so no biggie as far as I can see. How posters are comparing this to abuse and rape is beyond me.

trio · 02-10-2008 03:11PM

I don't understand all the people saying "If my boyfriend still found me sexy enough to film me in the shower after 10 yrs I'd be flattered"

I think that's completely missing the point. It's not about that he filmed her in the bloody shower. It's that HE DID IT SNEAKILY AND NEVER TOLD HER.

Jaysus, I'd hate that. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It'd make me feel all wierd and vunerable. Like, what else has he been doing? Was he ever going to tell me? Probably not. It's not a nice thing to do to someone, which the OP seems completely in denial of.

He's acting like she should be thanking him or something! He's not getting it at. all.

Leeby · 02-10-2008 03:12PM

Wagon wrote: »

I know what you mean, cameras commiting rape has gone up nearly 46% since the introduction of Firewire. Sorry, but a bit too extreme there.

Yeah I know it was an extreme comparison, that's why I said so. All I meant was that you can't apply the logic that "she's my girlfriend, I can do whatever I want" to any violation.

I just think what the OP did was really awful, and his girlfriend is right to be VERY upset over it. None of us can know how she feels as we're not in her position, however, I will concede that I don't think I'd break up with my partner if he did that, but I also certainly wouldn't let him off lightly!

I still think a big issue he needs to deal with is why he felt the need to do this in secret.

greenapplesea · 02-10-2008 03:17PM

I think there may be a little bit of an overexaggeration on your girlfriend's part OP, in my honest opinion. While there is an issue with trust here as you didn't tell her straight away what you had done, it's slightly unreasonable of your girlfriend to a) think that you are a sex fiend and b) break up with you. While I do feel you should be grovelling alright, there is no need for these extreme measures IMHO. If this happened with my boyfriend of five years I would definately make him pay, but not think he is a pervert and break up with him. If you do resolve things with her OP, include her on future video projects, it could benefit you and your girlfriend's sex life

But I do think you should stress that this incident does not make you a sex sick perv!!

meglome · 02-10-2008 03:17PM

trio wrote: »

I don't understand all the people saying "If my boyfriend still found me sexy enough to film me in the shower after 10 yrs I'd be flattered"

I think that's completely missing the point. It's not about that he filmed her in the bloody shower. It's that HE DID IT SNEAKILY AND NEVER TOLD HER.

Jaysus, I'd hate that. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It'd make me feel all wierd and vunerable. Like, what else has he been doing? Was he ever going to tell me? Probably not. It's not a nice thing to do to someone, which the OP seems completely in denial of.

He's acting like she should be thanking him or something! He's not getting it at. all.

So you don't mind your boyfriend looking at porn?

She taking a shower which he has already seen many times in person but the man in him just wanted a bit of slightly illicit video to look at in private. I think some people in here are very hung up on how their bodies look. Personally after knowing someone for so long, as long as it was kept private, I wouldn’t have the slightest problem.

Yeah I'm in the wrong but is this really that big of a deal??

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