I'm lonely

LegacyUser · 04-08-2008 12:55PM #1

When younger as a teenager going to school I had a small group of friends and we all got on well. When we finished school we met up from time to time but 9 years on we've lost contact.

My problem is I'm very lonely now. I'm working in a job that i love but its very unsocialable in that i'm not meeting people and I don't have collegues. I'm a childminder.

Going to college and in the past with other work i always met people, and i was always out.

So here I am a young lady in her mid 20s with hardly a pal in sight and no social life. I don't see much of a future for myself. I don't want to die a lonely old woman. So what do i do. How will i meet people and gain a friend or two.

I've joined up with bebo recently, in the hope of finding people that i went to school and college with, and also ex work collegues. But i'm not having much luck there.

6th · 04-08-2008 12:59PM

Well posting on here helps. Despite not selling itself as a social networking site Boards is without a doubt the best resourse for meeting people with shared interests. Boards meet ups happen all the time and new people are always welcome.

dlofnep · 04-08-2008 01:08PM

Pickup a hobby! I meet people through my Irish conversational group. Infact, an old pal of mine from school who I hadn't seen in 10 years came along one night and is now a regular.

Join any sort of social group and you'll be laughing.

abitlonely · 04-08-2008 01:16PM

You're here now too so that's another step. I know well what it's
like to be in your situation as i'm just making progress on that front myself.
As you said, you're mid 20's so there's no need to talk about 'dying a lonely old woman'.

Try some evening classes, especially ones where you think you'll get more
interaction with others, like learning an instrument / language. Also try
online dating sites. If nothing else, I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends
between there and here. Can I ask where you're from, what you're into?

LegacyUser · 04-08-2008 01:34PM

I'd would like to hear from other people whos in a similar situation.

I'm from galway. I'm interested in animals, cars, music (i wouldn't know how i'd be at taking up a musical instrument though). I would like to learn how to swim, and join a gym.

I'm in tears as i write this as i really do not have anyone.

wimmy · 04-08-2008 02:52PM

Ireland is one of the best countries to socialize!!
Go out to a gig, or to the pub, chat a few people...
It might just be a quick chat with no long term
conclusions but eh, the more you chat people the
easier it will get to get a few friends!
You can go to a gallery, a pub quizz, find interests
online... I dunno like even a book club...

What about the parents of the children you mind?
Did you ever socialize with any of them? Surely taking
care of kids for a few years you should get to know some
of them?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock · 04-08-2008 02:55PM

wimmy wrote: »

Ireland is one of the best countries to socialize!!
Go out to a gig, or to the pub, chat a few people...

Not really, it can be a bit intimidating when you're on you own. How many people (especially woman) go out to pubs/clubs on their own...?

Hobbys/interests are the way here. Then you've got an excellent way to open up a conversation...

dr.bollocko · 04-08-2008 02:57PM

How can you be worried about growing old alone?

You only started your adult life maybe 5, 6 years ago.

That means as far as living, you have only arrived my dear! And you know you can make friends already. Your situation and surroundings will change countless times as you journey through life. Sometimes it can seem lonely, sometimes it's impossible to get a moment alone.
It's healthy to target a key area in your life that you think could be improved, and even healthier to take pro-active steps towards meeting new people in places where you can relax.
But you don't actually have a problem, just an opportunity.

dlofnep · 04-08-2008 04:14PM

lonely.girl.2 wrote: »

I'd would like to hear from other people whos in a similar situation.

I'm from galway. I'm interested in animals, cars, music (i wouldn't know how i'd be at taking up a musical instrument though). I would like to learn how to swim, and join a gym.

I'm in tears as i write this as i really do not have anyone.

I'm sorry you feel this way. Seriously, find a hobby that you like, and you'll meet like-minded people through it. Don't beat yourself up.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2008 04:34PM

Has anyone used online dating sites. If so can you recommend any. Preferably irish sites.

Would joining a gym, and taking up swimming lessons be a good one to start. A place not far from home does offers adult swimming lessons. Its not private lessons - its public group lessons.

I would think that going to pubs/clubs on my own would be a very hard thing to do. On the rare occasion that i am out say for exemple at family dos i have no problem chatting to people. Something else i find very hard to do whenever i'm out and i meet a person or people that i know is to join them. We'd say hello and have a chat like 'what are you doing now' and what not, but i find it hard to invite myself into their group. Is anybody else like this.

Another question that i have: There might be a local event coming up soon. Is it best to arrive early to be on time or a little bit late. Last year myself and some family members arrived early and there was hardly anyone there. And we just looked like spares.

emmalu · 04-08-2008 04:40PM

hi,

i feel the exact same way as you!! When I was in school I had a really good group of friends but then I started seeing someone who lived quite a bit away and between that and starting in different colleges we all grew apart. I feel each day that I should of made an effort. What I hate the most is people asking about plans for the weekend or holidays and you have nothing to say. I have great friends in work but I dont see anyone outside work at all. I am indeed lonely and single and dying for a bit of a social life!!

adastra · 04-08-2008 04:45PM

emmalu wrote: »

hi,

i feel the exact same way as you!! When I was in school I had a really good group of friends but then I started seeing someone who lived quite a bit away and between that and starting in different colleges we all grew apart. I feel each day that I should of made an effort. What I hate the most is people asking about plans for the weekend or holidays and you have nothing to say. I have great friends in work but I dont see anyone outside work at all. I am indeed lonely and single and dying for a bit of a social life!!

I could have written this:) I am very nervous and awkward around new people though, so it makes meeting new friends even harder!

emmalu · 04-08-2008 04:52PM

I know! I find that when you dont have a social life its hard to discuss things with new people as the first thing people ask is about what pubs you go to etc ...You can hardly turn around and say well actually my social life revolves around you guys in work

LegacyUser · 04-08-2008 05:05PM

Emmalu, its a terrible situation to be in. Theres some good advice here from people like to take up hoppies.

I'm hoping after joining bebo i will come across some people that i knew, and that we can get back in touch.

Times have changed so much. Years ago i could go for a walk to the village, and i'd always meet someone. Now theres nobody around anymore. I could even go to town and bump into people there too. Its so much more harder when you're older because people has moved away, and they're working.

P.C. · 04-08-2008 05:07PM

Well, you are all doing a good thing, by talking about this here.

I think that friendships are built up slowly, over time.

I would hate it if someone just came up to me, and then did not want to leave me alone. But, if I met someone, and got to know them over time, that is great.

I also think that it is important to be happy with yourself.

Tetra · 04-08-2008 05:12PM

You could also try joing www.socialcircle.ie to meet new people.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2008 05:24PM

I came across a girl on bebo was very pally with as a teenager but we had a falling out many years ago. We've seen each other a few times before on the street and we've smiled and said hi. Should i send a friend request to her.

emmalu · 04-08-2008 05:34PM

It is definitely hard. Its much harder as a girl going to the likes or bars and stuff. I think men are much more comfortable doing that. I dont have a bebo page as I didnt want to have no friends on it. I have opened a skype account hoping to get chatting to some people on there but there a lot of people looking for 'more than friendship'....It is frustrating cause I love being out and doing things but unfortunately there is no-one to do them with...I heard about this site while I was on the train one day and decided to give it a try.

abitlonely · 04-08-2008 05:36PM

emmalu wrote: »

You can hardly turn around and say well actually my social life revolves around you guys in work

There's this one lad I work with that asks me this ehvery Thursday

(in front of the rest of my team)

LegacyUser · 04-08-2008 05:56PM

abitlonely wrote: »

There's this one lad I work with that asks me this ehvery Thursday
(in front of the rest of my team)

Oh my goodness thats awful. And what do you say to him.

Anyways, for people that would know about this type of thing. Would it be bit strange to send friend requests on bebo to people i knew. It seems like a whole life time has gone by.

From reading here there seems to be a lot of people in this situation. There should be a forum on its own deicated to this.

emmalu · 04-08-2008 06:01PM

I would definitely try contact your friend through bebo..I mean you have an opportunity to try catch up.

I hate been asked about my weekend. Either plans or on a monday - what have you being doing over the weekend? Its really awkward. There are about 5 of us that go on break every morning together and we all chat about it so its hard to try and change the subject.

sunnyside · 04-08-2008 06:08PM

lonely.girl.3 wrote: »

Would joining a gym, and taking up swimming lessons be a good one to start. A place not far from home does offers adult swimming lessons. Its not private lessons - its public group lessons.

Yes if you are genuienly interested in fitness and no problem going there on your own. Please don't do it just to meet people though because it will be expensive and there's no guarantee of meeting anyone.

I would think that going to pubs/clubs on my own would be a very hard thing to do.

You could lie and say you've lost your friends in the crowd.

Another question that i have: There might be a local event coming up soon. Is it best to arrive early to be on time or a little bit late. Last year myself and some family members arrived early and there was hardly anyone there. And we just looked like spares.

I'd arrive a little bit late but I've heard that it's easier to find someone to talk to if you arrive early and there are only a small amount of people there.

lonely.4 wrote: »

Its so much more harder when you're older because people has moved away, and they're working.

Lots of new people have arrived.

lonely.girl.6 wrote: »

I came across a girl on bebo was very pally with as a teenager but we had a falling out many years ago. We've seen each other a few times before on the street and we've smiled and said hi. Should i send a friend request to her.

Yes

Replies written in bold.

LegacyUser · 04-08-2008 06:13PM

emmalu wrote: »

I would definitely try contact your friend through bebo..I mean you have an opportunity to try catch up.

I hate been asked about my weekend. Either plans or on a monday - what have you being doing over the weekend? Its really awkward. There are about 5 of us that go on break every morning together and we all chat about it so its hard to try and change the subject.

I found that hard as well when i was working in a large establishment. Another thing i found hard was that whenever i did go out i was left out from some conversations, because the group would be talking about other nights out. No matter how hard i tried to join in i was always lost.

Maybe you should lie and make up some stories to your work collegues.

Birdsong · 04-08-2008 07:04PM

OP, you sound like I used to feel about 10 years ago, working a job with unsocial hours, just lost contact with people.
However, you and only you can increase your social circle, you really have to put the work in, go out there and meet like minded people, come September the night course season will start again. Just sign up for anything at all, cooking, french, car maintainance etc. You mightn't like it but give it a bash for 8 weeks anyway, you never know.
I don't think gyms are a great way of meeting people, when I moved house the first thing I did was join a running club in the area having never run before but it was before the mini marathon & had lots of beginners, now some of my best friends are from there, we will never win a race, but we have good fun trying and keeps you fit too.
A collegue of mine met her boyfriend doing triathlones.
Joining a drama club, singing or musical society are all great ways of meeting people with similar interests, people in these organisations are always looking for new members & will be more than welcoming to you. These organisations also have weekends away, sign up for everything.

I lost all contact with people I went to school with, and wouldn't bother trying to make any contact on bebo etc, the way I look at is, if anyone had wanted to get in touch they would and vicea versa.

coillcam · 04-08-2008 07:49PM

Just a quick one for the OP, I see your job will be having an impact in your life from a social aspect. Would you consider a change of career change at all?

Also are you living at home or with family currently?

From my experience any time I move somewhere new with unfamiliar housemates is a good way to make friends and even with their friends through a house party etc.

Affable · 04-08-2008 07:54PM

There are loads in your boat at your kind of age, I am too to a certain extent but more by choice as I am a pretty introverted individual that likes thinking/solitude. But if you make the effort via the web initially, I'm sure you can find people to meet. Try Gumtree for example.

04-08-2008 07:54PM

I know how you feel, I'm feeling the same since I left college. I sort of took having friends there for granted, I was seeing people every day in class, I lived with other students, I was in a few societies, and there were always opportunities to meet people without making too much effort. Now I'm working, I find it so hard to meet new friends and barely ever go out at all anymore. I don't get on that well with anyone in work so the only option is to find some sort of hobby or club to go along to in the evenings or weekend....I'm really lazy so I havent made the effort yet but I'm thinking of drumming, climbing, charity work or something like that. Maybe you could try that?

Drift · 04-08-2008 08:04PM

Hey OP,

I think you should definitely send the friend requests on bebo. It's exactly what the bloody thing is for! Nobody will think you're strange for sending a friend request if you haven't seen them in a few years. They'll think "Oh thats XXXX, wonder whats going on with her these days." It'll probably be up to you to push the contact further though and ask them if they're heading to the local at the weekend or some such.

As for the swimming. Leisureland do lots of adult swim courses for people of all abilities. I'm not sure if it will help your social circle as I've known a few people who did it and they tend to just go home afterwards. So again if you meet someone nice there make sure you don't just let it drop. If you get in a conversation with someone about music invite them to a gig at the weekend or if they mention films ask them are they going to see such and such a film at the cinema.

By far the best way I've seen around Galway for expanding the social circle is tag rugby. Unfortunately the league I play in just finished last week but coming into the spring you'll find lots of teams looking for female players. It doesn't matter if you're good or not, most people who play it aren't! Also keep an eye on the Galway forum here on boards it seems to be a good place to organise a night out and find out about local goings on.

Also pm me if you want to - I'm a 26 year old lad from Galway. I can't promise you an instant social circle but I might be able to point/push/assist you in the right direction

abitlonely wrote: »

There's this one lad I work with that asks me this ehvery Thursday
(in front of the rest of my team)

Hey abitlonely. I don't know if you realise it but this is a sign that this guy likes you (could be either as a friend or romantically). If he didn't like you he'd have no interest in what you got up to at the weekend. He's probably trying to be nice and possibly even seeing if there's a possibility of meeting you socially. Maybe next time say you were thinking of heading to cinema/gig/football match but your friend who was meant to go with you pulled out and would he like to go instead.

abitlonely · 04-08-2008 08:28PM

Drift wrote: »

I don't know if you realise it but this is a sign that this guy likes you (could be either as a friend or romantically).

Hope not, I'm a guy too!

Andrew H · 04-08-2008 08:46PM

Hi OP,
I find it hard to make new friends too im grand when i get to know people but at first i find it very awkward. I have tried the gym and swimming before and I found that both are solo activities although gym/swimming classses maybe different.

Why dont you try a martial art it's a great way to get fit, helps to build self confidence, its a lot more interesting then the gym and you can make some great friends. There are plenty of different clubs out there Aikido, Tai Chi, Karate, Kung Fu etc. just drop in and watch a class and see if its something you'd like to try and if you like the atmosphere in the classes why not give it a go?
Andy

quinevere · 04-08-2008 08:54PM

~hi

I know exactly how you feel i feel the same way moved from derry to dublin not knowing anyone met a fella fell in love and spent all my time with him and his friends/ family when we busted up I moved to limerick and am now back in dublin knowing very few people and got to the stage were i go to the cinema by myself i'd love to met new friends and keep thinking about just going to a bar by myself and hoping for the best. but the best bit of the night out is talking about it afterwards with your friends

i miss the good old days with the guys from uni:(

I'm lonely

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