Some Brothers have it hard....

Tom Dunne · 01-08-2008 08:27AM #1

Picture the scene.

It is 10:30am on a Sunday morning. You are lying in bed, in a hotel room after a night on the batter on a weekend away. Your head, to quote the Bruce Springsteen song, has a freight train running through it, your stomach is like an industrial washing machine on the extra cycle. Fortunately, you had the foresight to order breakfast to the room, nothing like a dirty big fry up to sort you out.

And then the inevitable happens, the knock on the door, announcing the arrival of food. Like a mainframe computer from the 70's, you begin to wake up, all systems kicking in, slowly but surely. Eventually, you manage pull the covers off to be greeted with what can only be described as the worlds biggest stiffy. As many of the Brethren know, a post-alcohol stiffy is not your normal stiffy, no. It's a teflon-coated, carbon-fiber hardened, uranium-enriched stiffy.

So what do you do? You can't find your trousers, and besides, putting them on would be like throwing a parachute over a lighthouse. In a tragic twist of fate, you also have your "lucky" Scooby Doo boxers on*. You know you can't answer the door in this state and traumatise poor Juanita, so you have to get rid of the stiffy some how.

How do you do it? How do you get rid of it in a hurry? The ice bucket? The hair dryer set to cold? Open the window?

So I put it to the brethren, have you been in this situation before and if so, how have you coped? Remember, your sausages are waiting. Time is of the essence.

*based on a true story

Will · 01-08-2008 08:35AM

I once slammed it off a radiator, the combination of the cold steel and brute force didn't have the desired effect though :eek:

I usually hunch over and pretend im an old man. In your situation I would have told her to leave it beside the door.

Shiminay · 01-08-2008 08:44AM

Leaving it outside is usually no good as room service needs to be signed for (spot the hospitallity industry professional

)

The best bet for such situations Brother Tom is to tuck fagan into the (I presume) elasticated waist band on the boxers (I used to have lucky Scooby Doo boxers too btw) with at most the head popping out the top - suggested positioning I leave to yourself.

Of course, all this assumes you're alone. If you're good lady wife is with you, why hasn't she the door answered already?

Asiaprod · 01-08-2008 08:46AM

Stick it between your legs and hobble to the door praying it is a female that is serving you. I am sure it is not the first time for her to have seen this morning apparition.

Cianos · 01-08-2008 08:46AM

Why hide it?

Tom Dunne · 01-08-2008 08:47AM

Will wrote: »

I once slammed it off a radiator, the combination of the cold steel and brute force didn't have the desired effect though

Ouch, the radiator. Never thought of that. Though, it would be like playing the xylophone, one would imagine.

Will wrote: »

I usually hunch over and pretend im an old man. In your situation I would have told her to leave it beside the door.

Hunched over, I look like a tripod, no, seriously. And as for leaving it at the door - I didn't want to risk some hungry bastard in the next room stealing it.

jester77 · 01-08-2008 08:49AM

Ah yeah, this is a hard one :P

What I do in instances like this is grab a towel from the bathroom and wrap it around the waist making sure to tuck it in against the belly. Just make sure it's not saying hello from the top of the waistband

Tom Dunne · 01-08-2008 08:55AM

Asiaprod wrote: »

Stick it between your legs and hobble to the door praying it is a female that is serving you. I am sure it is not the first time for her to have seen this morning apparition.

Can you afford to take the risk? What if it is Boris, the local weight-lifting champion who is only doing this job at the weekends, so he can afford to buy extra steroids?

Cianos wrote: »

Why hide it?

They have (in)decency laws in a lot of countries. Some people frown on exhibitionism.

jester77 wrote: »

What I do in instances like this is grab a towel from the bathroom and wrap it around the waist making sure to tuck it in against the belly. Just make sure it's not saying hello from the top of the waistband

Playing peek-a-boo with the bathtowel is living life on the edge. I like it.

Splinter · 01-08-2008 08:57AM

stand with one leg either side of the door ensuring the "beast" is on the opposite side and they should get the picture... just hope it doesnt realise theres a woman on the other side of the door...

Mr. Presentable · 01-08-2008 09:01AM

Toga your top sheet

dr.bollocko · 01-08-2008 09:21AM

Ask them to leave the breakfast outside and then try and beat the clock on the five minute freeview porn channel.

Tom Dunne · 01-08-2008 09:25AM

Kharn wrote: »

Leaving it outside is usually no good as room service needs to be signed for (spot the hospitallity industry professional )

Actually, funny story about that.

I was away for a weekend, abroad, hotel was paid for by my company. As I had ordered breakfast to the room, I had to pay for it, not a bother, I thought.

Except, the person delivering the breakfast insisted I pay there and then, he held out one of those wireless credit card machines. Not only was I afflicted with the mother of all hangovers, coupled with the mother of all stiffies, but could I hell find my trousers and wallet (yes, it was a good night).

So, I was standing there, feeling quite vulnerable, not really appreciating what exactly was happening, randomly typing numbers into a machine, hoping I would hit the right combination, trying to hide, em, "it" from a rather large Lithuanian hotel employee.

True story.

grames_bond · 01-08-2008 09:32AM

the comedian robbie bonham discussed this idea and his solution was touched apon (*dont make that bad) earlier, press the stiffy up against your belly and use the elasticated waist to keep it there.....but for the love of god, make sure you asre wearing a tshirt!

MarkR · 01-08-2008 09:36AM

grames_bond wrote: »

the comedian robbie bonham discussed this idea and his solution was touched apon (*dont make that bad) earlier, press the stiffy up against your belly and use the elasticated waist to keep it there.....but for the love of god, make sure you asre wearing a tshirt!

Exactly. As long as you can find your underwear.

Shiminay · 01-08-2008 09:37AM

Nice

Some of the things I've seen when delivering Room Service. People just don't think of you as a human when you're a hotel worker. They let you walk into their room whilst they get out of bed stark naked. I even had one lady start doing some stretches infront of me whilst her bloke was signing the docket. I still don't know what the correct protocol for such things are.

Funniest story that's kinda related:
My first ever morning shift in Breaffy House was on Valentines Morning. I was setting up trays for the massive amounts of Breakfast in Bed people were ordering and was quite busy with that. One of the other lads was setting a fire in the residents lounge and started a chimney fire. So, we had to evacuate the hotel. At 7:15 am. On Valentines morning. With everyone awake cause the alarm'd been going off for a while.

So Tom (the chef) and I headed for one section of the hotel and were knocking on doors to make sure everyone was out (and checking them off on our list). After the initial sweep, there was one room still occupied. So out came my master key and the door swung open to reveal the young couple doing what all right minded young couples should do when awake on any morning (never mind the day that was in it).

"There really is a fire folks, you have to get out to the assembly point"

"I'll be done in a minute" says the bloke...

Happy Valentines love I thought to myself...

Tom Dunne · 01-08-2008 09:38AM

grames_bond wrote: »

but for the love of god, make sure you asre wearing a tshirt!

Ah, the innocence of youth.

If it was any kind of good night, you will be lucky if you are even wearing your boxers, never mind a t-shirt.

Overheal · 01-08-2008 09:40AM

tilt it back/up, cover firmly with pillow and remember back to the time you walked in on your 73 year old grandmother naked - the wrinkles; the veins; the white pubic hair; and the stern look on her face as she tells you to get the f*ck out

However I guess you always fly a big risk there, thinking of your naked grandmother with a big stiffy on yeh

radiator smack - rofl

Will · 01-08-2008 09:42AM

i find my drunkest nights are proven by me not bothering to get undressed, either that or waking up in a car in a lyon car park. Who's car? I dunno, it was unlocked so i jumped in and had a rest.

I find the worst morning stiffies are the ones that are delayed. You are fine then when youre down eating breakfast up pops the beast. So there's a dilemma, finish the breakfast quickly thus placing the bowl around crotchular region or wait it out.

Nevyn · 01-08-2008 09:55AM

nipplenuts wrote: »

Toga your top sheet

Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga!

brianthebard · 01-08-2008 10:01AM

Kharn wrote: »

Leaving it outside is usually no good as room service needs to be signed for (spot the hospitallity industry professional )

The best bet for such situations Brother Tom is to tuck fagan into the (I presume) elasticated waist band on the boxers (I used to have lucky Scooby Doo boxers too btw) with at most the head popping out the top - suggested positioning I leave to yourself.

Of course, all this assumes you're alone. If you're good lady wife is with you, why hasn't she the door answered already?

i think the real question is why has wifey not noticed the raging hard on and dealt with it for the brother?

ChewChew · 01-08-2008 10:13AM

I would like to enforce the 'pix or it did'nt happen' rule

Cathmandooo · 01-08-2008 10:18AM

ChewChew wrote: »

I would like to enforce the 'pix or it did'nt happen' rule

:eek::eek: CHEWCHEW!!!! Why oh why would you suggest such a thing, i think i threw up a little

Tom Dunne · 01-08-2008 10:20AM

brianthebard wrote: »

i think the real question is why has wifey not noticed the raging hard on and dealt with it for the brother?

In a situation like this, time is of the essence. It's not like you can press some button and the matter is sorted.

ChewChew wrote: »

I would like to enforce the 'pix or it did'nt happen' rule

You know you don't really want to do that.

ChewChew · 01-08-2008 10:22AM

Cathooo wrote: »

:eek::eek: CHEWCHEW!!!! Why oh why would you suggest such a thing, i think i threw up a little

I'm bored. p!ssed off at my lappy. and need a larf!!!

Tom Dunne wrote: »

You know you don't really want to do that.

I dont.. or YOU dont??? har har har

Gaspode · 01-08-2008 10:27AM

Assuming it was such a good night, you surely werent alone (stiffy doesnt count as another person) so get your companion to answer the door.

Unless of course he had a stiffy too............

Tom Dunne · 01-08-2008 10:30AM

deswalsh wrote: »

Assuming it was such a good night, you surely werent alone (stiffy doesnt count as another person) so get your companion to answer the door.

If it was a good night, then she will be utterly exhausted and incapable of carrying out such a menial task. Besides, the rules of chivalry dictate that it is the man who answers the door. Can't have some foreign Romeo drooling over your woman.

deswalsh wrote: »

Unless of course he had a stiffy too............

:eek:

Overheal · 01-08-2008 10:52AM

Tom Dunne wrote: »

If it was a good night, then she will be utterly exhausted and incapable of carrying out such a menial task. Besides, the rules of chivalry dictate that it is the man who answers the door. Can't have some foreign Romeo drooling over your woman.

Ah but Room Service in the AM? What if its a fem? Have your lady rope in the other for the Full Irish effect

Gaspode · 01-08-2008 10:54AM

Tom Dunne wrote: »

If it was a good night, then she will be utterly exhausted and incapable of carrying out such a menial task. Besides, the rules of chivalry dictate that it is the man who answers the door. Can't have some foreign Romeo drooling over your woman.

Spoken like a true BGRH brother. your reputation has been restored once again.

:eek:

Still suprised it went to 25 posts before this suggestion was made though!!

_blank_ · 01-08-2008 11:20AM

The Room Service people usually have a room-key...no?

Just stay in bed, and let them bring it in.

jester77 · 01-08-2008 11:56AM

Des wrote: »

The Room Service people usually have a room-key...no?

Just stay in bed, and let them bring it in.

QFT.

Just shout out "Bring it in" and when they ask you to pay for it tell them to have a root around the room for a pair of pants that might have a wallet in it. If they can't find it tell them to stick the breakfast on the room and ask them to review their CCTV footage from the previous night to see if you came back with any pants on.

Shiminay · 01-08-2008 11:56AM

Actually, no they wouldn't as a rule.

Some Brothers have it hard....

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