Should I bother with the Engagemnt Ring?

Roisinbunny · 05-07-2008 02:09PM #1

Hiya all,

I just wanted to get a few opinions on this if possible:

We have the ring picked out but unfortunately for him I prefer the larger stone costing an additional €1,500. Basically, what's bothering me is that I'm beginning to feel a bit selfish about the whole ring thing i.e how can you justify spending €4,500 approx on jewellery when you are saving for a house?

He has said to me on numerous occasions he would have proposed to me a long time ago but he doesn't "get" our ring thing. The thing is my fiancee comes from a culture that does not "do" the whole engagement ring thing so for him to have come so far as to agree to spending the €3,000 is a huge big deal.

It has caused some tension financially - usually ending in me feeling like a spoilt child (I can totally see his point and I dont have any decent argument to back myself up) and even through I'm trying to soften the blow by insisting he picks out an engagement present also -i.e expensive watch, I'm beginning to to wonder why all the bother? Is it us being carried along thinking we have to have a big rock when a small stone would have the same symbolic meaning? If I'm honest, I'm feeling under pressure from a lot of friends that have the big, expensive ring. I know it sounds a bit shallow..

Unfortunately, I won't ever have the big, white wedding day and we have decided on a low key ceremony. Is it then not too selfish to spend that bit extra on a ring?

Just wanted to find out did any other couple have the same thoughts! I'd be really interested to hear how Irish guys feel about the whole thing too??

Any advice would be so much appreciated...

Aquitaine · 05-07-2008 03:15PM

I think a bit of compromise is needed. €4,500 for a ring is fine for those who can afford it and want to spend that kind of money. If there is some money worries and tension then yes i think you both need to back down and come to some agreement on what should be spent on the ring and what kind of wedding you should have. from what i have read it doesnt look like you are in agreement on the wedding at all. thats not a good position to enter into marraige.

sit down and iron out your differences. having a small wedding (in my opinion) is not reason to splash out alot of money on a ring. i dont think it works like that. what it comes down to is what you both want and can afford.

NinjaTruncs · 05-07-2008 03:34PM

my advie is get the cheaper ring now, put the other money to saving for the house. When you celebrate 10 or 20 years he can get you a bigger rock.

If you just want the bigger rock to impress other people (which is the attitude of a lot of girls) you are spending money for the wrong reason.

Chinafoot · 05-07-2008 03:36PM

Roisinbunny wrote: »

We have the ring picked out but unfortunately for him I prefer the larger stone costing an additional €1,500.

Why unfortunately for him? If it means that much to you to have the larger stone why don't you pay for half?

Roisinbunny wrote: »

thing is my fiancee comes from a culture that does not "do" the whole engagement ring thing so for him to have come so far as to agree to spending the €3,000 is a huge big deal.

So your fiance has compromised and agreed to get you a ring. I think you're being pretty unreasonable here tbh. €3,000 is a lot of money for a ring, particularly when you say you're saving for a house. To then want a bigger stone costing an extra €1,500 seems rather selfish. The ring is a symbol and a pretty significant one considering he doesn't come from a culture that does the whole engagement ring thing. He's compromised for you on the issue, why can't you do the same for him.

Roisinbunny wrote: »

It has caused some tension financially - usually ending in me feeling like a spoilt child (I can totally see his point and I dont have any decent argument to back myself up) and even through I'm trying to soften the blow by insisting he picks out an engagement present also -i.e expensive watch, I'm beginning to to wonder why all the bother?

So it's causing rows financially and your answer is to spend more money on a watch for him? If you can't afford the bigger stone then you can't afford it, end of story. Adding an expensive watch on top of the bigger is going to lead to more financial problems for you. You seem to have pretty skewed priorities here.

Roisinbunny wrote: »

Is it us being carried along thinking we have to have a big rock when a small stone would have the same symbolic meaning? If I'm honest, I'm feeling under pressure from a lot of friends that have the big, expensive ring. I know it sounds a bit shallow..

A bit? Sorry but you're getting married to someone you love, right? What on earth does it matter what your friends think about your ring?! That's more than a bit shallow.

Roisinbunny wrote: »

Unfortunately, I won't ever have the big, white wedding day and we have decided on a low key ceremony. Is it then not too selfish to spend that bit extra on a ring?

It is selfish if it's not financially possible. An engagement ring is just for you, the wedding is for both of you.

Like I said, if you really want the stone, pay for half of it yourself. Or you could realise that saving for a house is slightly more important than impressing your friends with an expensive ring. Your fiance has different cultural traditions and he has compromised these to make you happy. You should be thankful instead of arguing that he's not spending enough.

iguana · 05-07-2008 04:47PM

I never bothered getting an engagement ring. I think it's a pretty sexist tradition, sexist toward the man. Instead we treated ourselves to a 2nd hand laptop for me and an iPod for him. We also had a small low key wedding, which combined with our honeymoon cost us less than the cheaper ring you are looking at.

We did splash out and buy recycled platinum wedding rings which came to about €1000 for the two. And it might sound sill, but I'm very glad not to have an engagement ring because I think it's nice that our left hands match. There have been plenty of times that we have been mid argument when I catch sight of his ring looking just like mine and whatever anger I'm feeling just melts away.

I can also say that I am very glad to have a fairly substantial wedge of cash in the bank. It provides us with so much more security and possibilities than any diamond ring and memories of an expensive party ever could.

axer · 05-07-2008 05:03PM

OP: It is a waste of money imo. Diamonds are just complete marketing. They are not even that rare - it is just the same crowd controlling their mining.

You are a spoilt child if you cannot see it is a waste of money and if you expect him to pay extra just cos you want the bigger one.

Toots · 05-07-2008 11:01PM

Maybe go out and look at a different ring altogether. Myself and my OH have been looking and you can get lovely rings with good sized stones for half of what you're looking at paying. In fact the amount you're paying just for the bigger stone is what we're probably going to spend on the whole ring! Maybe shop around a bit more and see if you can find a ring with the stone you like but isn't going to break the bank.

TBH, yes I think it would be very selfish of you to ask him to spend that much money on a ring. Especially if you're saving for a house, which is a considerable task these days. Or as Chinafoot says, if you've really got your heart set on this ring, you should put some money towards it. Maybe fork over the extra €1500 for the bigger stone. If it was me in your situation though, I'd be looking at a different ring altogether.

Roisinbunny · 06-07-2008 12:53PM

Whoa....

I had to take a really big, deep breath and hold back a few tears after reading some replies... I see now that I come across as completely selfish when god above, I never wanted to...

Aquitaine, we are in agreement about the wedding. TBH, I have seen so much money spent on big weddings ( one of which ended in divorce VERY shortly after), I see people planning weddings with the intention of making a profit and inviting people they hardly know. I have seen so many relationships & marriages break down all around me all my life, that I'm disillusioned about the whole thing. Added to that, both me and my financee come from "broken homes" and I know first hand how destructive a badly matched relationship can be. Therefore, the whole white wedding thing won't happen firstly because I wont invite people for the sake of getting well paid and secondly bad family politics. I'd rather spend some cash on a good pre-marriage counsellor..

I'm just delighted that I met someone who I know I'm committed to and vice versa.

And Iguana, I totally agree, financial security is a number 1 priority especially the way things look now economically.

It's so easy to get carried along by the whole thing - we are both not extravagant at all, don't spend half the money on luxuries that our friends all around us do, put majority of our money into savings jointly and personally and I think this whole ring thing is just a farce. My mother got a big one too and the wedding with all the trimmings and that went completely down the toilet big time.

I think you have all made me see the light. TBH, I think the marriage is the best commitment in itself and I think we might just arrive in the door some day with a cheap wedding band & marriage cert.

PS: Chinafoot, thank you. Sometimes it requires a virtual slap in the face to give you some perspective. Even though it hurts:o

drunkmonkey · 06-07-2008 01:03PM

I need a lady before I have to worry about buing a ring but it's one thig I can see that might cause a problem, €4500 on a ring to me is a complete waste of money, it has nothing got to do with love and won't make the sex any better...

I think you've got the ring on the brain now and need to get out of the moment...your boyfriend is right to be recluctant maybe you can settle for a nicer ring but lesss expensive and he can promise to buy you that 5k ring on your 21st wedding anniversery...

Suggest.....plastic lucky bag ring, bottle of poppers & an apology to your boyfriend:rolleyes:

p.s
You never mentioned if he was wealthy, if he is, stick to your guns sister!!

dollydishmop · 06-07-2008 01:16PM

Oh gosh, I'd love a stupidly expensive ring....but what my ring stands for is worth more to me than what it cost...which was less than a tenth of what your rings is going to cost.

At the end of the day it is just a peice of metal, and what it symoblises should mean more to you than the size of the rock, or the large price, or what your friends might think...just my 2 cents

Roisinbunny · 06-07-2008 01:17PM

Thanks Drunkmonkey! The money isn't the problem here tbh, we're fairly ok thank God- it is the principle big time for him and now for me. And ya, you're right I did have it on the brain - again, just felt the pressure from others to get a rock...

I always thought I was an independent, intelligent, modern woman (never insist on flowers, romantic gestures etc) and now I see I'm just like the rest of the sheep. ITBH, I really did have tears in my eye after some replies and apologised to him. He was wondering what was going on so I told him I was reading a post from some selfish girl and how much she was making her fiancee pay for the ring;). He's delighted now that so many people agree with him!

So now I'm utterly, utterly, utterly ashamed of myself you have no idea. But I feel like I've been exorcised of this mad engagement ring thing fixation.

I need a good strong cup of tea:o

Roisinbunny · 06-07-2008 01:23PM

dollydishmop wrote: »

.but what my ring stands for is worth more to me than what it cost...

That is really a lovely way to put it - it's the fact that it's a small, symbolic gesture that he wants to be with just you

...

I'm so glad I asked ye, cos I'm begining to have my faith restored again...Thought everyone was also caught in the madness

drunkmonkey · 06-07-2008 01:27PM

Roisinbunny wrote: »

So now I'm utterly, utterly, utterly ashamed of myself

Don't be ashamed your furture hubbys a tight arse (drunkmonkey waits for knock on the door from crazy foreigner swinging fists)
Let him away with this and you'd be taking the kids to schools in a hi-ace before you know it....:D

Stop crying, i'd nearly buy you the ring myself just to stop the tears......

Best of luck to the both of ye....

Roisinbunny · 06-07-2008 05:51PM

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Don't be ashamed your furture hubbys a tight arse (drunkmonkey waits for knock on the door from crazy foreigner swinging fists)

Ya but I'm beginning to think there's something in being a tightarse... ever notice the one's that don't drive the big flashy cars and have the designer gear are the one's that have no money worries?.. I know so many that are up to their eyes in debt (1 that is remortgaging to finance a big spending spree - didnt make enough off the wedding - I'm serious)..

Ya he is a bit tight sometimes but I love him for that - (my finances have never been better)

I think I'd rather not get the flowers and jewels but get the loyalty & trust:)

Roisinbunny · 06-07-2008 06:01PM

iguana wrote: »

We also had a small low key wedding
.

Hi Iguana,

Just wondering do you mind me asking what kind of ceremony you went for? Would love a low key one with some thought put into it for some people that we want to share the day with ...

Any suggestions would be really appreciated if you could message me back ..

thanks again...

iguana · 06-07-2008 06:46PM

Roisinbunny wrote: »

Hi Iguana,

Just wondering do you mind me asking what kind of ceremony you went for? Would love a low key one with some thought put into it for some people that we want to share the day with ...

Any suggestions would be really appreciated if you could message me back ..

thanks again...

We live in London and found out that the local park near our house is licensed for weddings. So we had the ceremony in the castle in the park and took the pictures by a 400 year old oak in the park. My husband got his suit from M&S, I got my dress on ebay for £53 and I got my shoes from BHS for £12.

We decided to have the reception at our house, we put an Argos gazebo in the garden and fairy lights and balloons throughout the house and garden. The supermarket Waitrose have a fairly cheap catering service, so we ordered about £400 worth of food from them. We got a big mixture of traditional meats and salads and Indian, Italian and Japanese foods. We got also bought lots of deli stuff, all the beer, spirits and mixers and all the flowers from Aldi. We got the desserts from Aldi and Iceland and the wedding cake from the party cakes at Marks&Spencers. And a friend with a wine shop got us the wine and prosecco at cost.

Obv, some of that is not much use in Ireland or if you don't have a friend with a wine shop.;) But I guess it provides an example of some alternatives. Plenty of our friends have said that our wedding was the best one they'd been to, because it was just nice and relaxed. Either way we are just as married as anyone else, and we didn't spend 3 years paying the wedding off.:cool:

DO0GLE · 06-07-2008 10:33PM

You should definitely shop around for your ring...there's huge variation in prices. Also, consider buying a ring with a gold band rather than a platinum one, as that will save the budget and won't look much different.

Be sensible and don't get caught up in the whole thing as many people do.

Tar.Aldarion · 06-07-2008 10:35PM

I really don't think you should spend that much if you are saving for a house. It is a symbol not something to show off etc. 3000 is expensive enough as it is!
You should spend that money on your house/honeymoon/marraige/whatever.

Wile E. Coyote · 07-07-2008 12:33PM

Whats the size of the smaller stone compared to the larger one? Once set in the ring there is not really much in the difference.

Unless of course your going form 0.5ct to a 2.5ct but you couldn't make that much of a jump for €1,500!

CathyMoran · 07-07-2008 01:38PM

Probably on my own here but I think that having a nice ring is good if you can afford it. We also had a small wedding but we spent money on some things, the cake, the engagement ring and the wedding lingerie! Having said that, if money is tight then it does not really matter at the end of the day.

Roisinbunny · 07-07-2008 08:30PM

Wile E. Coyote wrote: »

Whats the size of the smaller stone compared to the larger one? Once set in the ring there is not really much in the difference.

Unless of course your going form 0.5ct to a 2.5ct but you couldn't make that much of a jump for €1,500!

Hi Wile E. - I'm ashamed to say but its only going from a .47 ct to .69. The clarity and colour are the same. The particular shop I went too did really have some excellent sales assistants to the point where I felt completely sorry for my fiancee - was like he was being cornered i.e "If you love her what's your problem".... Thought it was a bit of a jump for the size.. I was given some big complicated story about price of commodities at the mo... I was totally out of my depth...

Think that was an eye opener for us both... the seedy side of the business

...

I had been reading another post some time ago about someone that had seen the film "Blood Diamond" . - was totally blown away by it. Really scary stuff that is very hard to blind your conscience to...

Roisinbunny · 07-07-2008 08:33PM

CathyMoran wrote: »

we spent money on some things... the wedding lingerie!

I'm sure my other half wouldn't complain about that and it would definitely not cause any arguments..:D

CathyMoran · 07-07-2008 08:39PM

Have a great day, though in the end of the day it is just the first day of the rest of your life together. I was suprised how much I enjoyed mine, up until the day I was afraid that I would ball going down the isle, I just looked at my husband and that kept me calm.

In terms of the engagement ring, I still think that it is important, I kiss my ring all the time when I am apart from him. Just get a ring that you both feel happy about.

Roisinbunny · 07-07-2008 08:43PM

iguana wrote: »

.

We decided to have the reception at our house, we put an Argos gazebo in the garden and fairy lights and balloons throughout the house and garden.

Plenty of our friends have said that our wedding was the best one they'd been to, because it was just nice and relaxed. Either way we are just as married as anyone else, and we didn't spend 3 years paying the wedding off.:cool:

That honestly sounds like such a cool party - I love the idea of a house reception - much more personal and would be a nice way to Christen the new house - Hopefully - by then...

You've given me some really nice ideas thank you - I can just picture the gazebo with all the lights - sounds so romantic.... I just dont see why more dont do that??

iguana · 07-07-2008 11:05PM

Roisinbunny wrote: »

would be a nice way to Christen the new house

And it was very nice of two of my husband's friends to christen the garden for us that night as well.:rolleyes:

Whispered · 08-07-2008 07:45PM

OOps - never mind

I asked a question that had already been asked

MJOR · 14-07-2008 03:40PM

Apprently its 3 months salary for the amn is what its suposed to be.

Its not about the bling but what it symbolises to you. You could look into that guy askoy (turkish jewwller) onPatricks St he is cheaper than most I believe

MJOR · 18-07-2008 10:08AM

We got ours in Keanes and found it to be competitive.... The stone was bigger and clearer than some of the other places.

Honey-ec · 18-07-2008 10:25AM

MJOR wrote: »

Apprently its 3 months salary for the amn is what its suposed to be.

That is such a load of crap and it's only peddled by jewellers and girls trying to guilt-trip their boyfriends into buying them a bigger rock.

The "going rate" was traditionally one month's salary, and that was introduced by DeBeers in the late 19th century as a marketing technique. Then suddenly (and I literally mean in the last 6 months) I started hearing two months and now it's three??? Pathetic.

Roisinbunny, whatever you end up going for, just make sure you're getting a fair price. €3,000 for a .47c ring seems pricey.

My original engagement ring, bought two years ago was .38c in platinum and cost €1,750. Obviously, platinum prices have risen since then, but not by that much.

I lost the ring 6 weeks before the wedding, which was a bit of a pain! We replaced it on our honeymoon in New York and the price difference over there is unreal!

axer · 18-07-2008 10:29AM

Honey-ec wrote: »

That is such a load of crap and it's only peddled by jewellers and girls trying to guilt-trip their boyfriends into buying them a bigger rock.

The "going rate" was traditionally one month's salary, and that was introduced by DeBeers in the late 19th century as a marketing technique. Then suddenly (and I literally mean in the last 6 months) I started hearing two months and now it's three??? Pathetic.

Diamonds are *only* marketing. They are not even that rare. Its because the same group or very few groups control all the mines thus control the price. Total waste of money imo. Better off spent on a holiday or a house or something of value.

Karmella · 18-07-2008 11:24AM

In general the cost of a diamond in ireland is ridiculous anyway - antwerp in belgium or amsterdam are much better places to buy. a friend got her ring in antwerp and out of curiosity tried to get a similar ring here and was quoted 3 times the price - and the stone here wasn't even as good quality as hers.

personally, I have just gotten engaged and I also don't see the point in spending so much on it. I am lucky that I can use my mother's ring - i'm getting it set on a new platinum band so that is our only expense. However if that option wasn't available to me I think I would have gone down the vintage route- i prefer older things! Just look on the internet - there are tons of sites and some of the rings are only a couple of hundred dollars!

I believe the 3 months salary thing is rubbish. The ring is just supposed to be a symbol - it doesn't even have to be diamonds! It was a huge marketing ploy started decades ago. Just do whatever you're happiest with.

Should I bother with the Engagemnt Ring?

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