Speech

Hi people, my brother is getting married soon and I'm best man.
I've got my speech nearly ready so I'm looking for some pointers
I've tried to keep away from the internet speeches and corny lines and didn't want to be too harsh so I hope it is OK. I've been to a few weddings where the bm thinks he can say what he wants, not good.

So here it is....

(Tap Glass)
Firstly before I get to the groom, I would like to thank XXXX on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words, I think everyone will agree that they look amazing today, only outshone by the beautiful bride, XXXX.

(Tap Glass??)
So I’d like you all to stand and join me in raising a glass to the beautiful bride XXXX.

I would also like to thank everyone here who has helped make this amazing day possible, XXXX’s family, our own family, and the bridesmaids for all their hard work. Really though we all know it was the women who actually put in the real work.

It’s a great privilege to be asked by XXXX to be his best man. He has returned the favour that I asked of him last year, during which he took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense, now it’s my turn to reply, but I’m not that bitter, see I can let things drop.....
Apologies to all who don’t understand that in-joke, I promise it’ll be the last.

I guess the first thing I should talk about is how I know XXXX.
Well I think you’ll all know XXXX is my elder brother, 11 months, 2 weeks, and 6 days to be exact, Irish twins as it’s called, and going back to when we were young, everyone thought we were actual twins.
This of course was due to our mother, you love being called mother, don’t you mother.
Mam use to put us in the double buggy and everyone would comment on the lovely twins. She also dressed us exactly the same, everything from big woolly jumpers, dodgy stripy tops, to shorts that were so short they’d make Brian Mullins & Jimmy Barry-Murphy’s O’Neill’s shorts from the 70’s look like trousers.
We use to play for the same football teams, though usually it was a case of XXXX playing forward and me playing left outside….on the bench.
We were in the same schools with a year between us. If I remember correctly, I for some reason would always get the short end of the stick, it could have something to do with the fact XXXX wasn’t much of a messer and he always did his homework, but his teachers always like giving me a clip on the ear and saying “XXXX why can’t you be like your brother”.
So that’s enough of the compliments.

Any of you who know XXXX very well will know how hard it is to get information or funny stories on him.
Actually let me rephrase that, I can’t get any funny stories on XXXX as he’s warned the lads if they tell me any, then he’ll pay them back 10 fold when they get married, though by the look of them he won’t have to worry about that.

Continuing on the “lack of information” theme we have the beautiful bride XXXX. XXXX decided he was going to go to Australia for a year with his friends. I actually remember being out in Dublin airport having a pint with them before they left. Mam was a bit like your wedding cake….in tears. Where’s the drumroll? He went away, through Asia first, then on to Australia, and all of us at home thought he was living the life of a young single lad in his twenties but what we didn’t know is that XXXX had met XXXX not long after they left and was going out with her for 11 months before anyone in our family knew about it.
It actually would have been longer only that Mam decided she wanted to go to Australia to visit XXXX before he left, so to stop her going, XXXX told her about XXXX. I never saw the logic in that one though as we have no sisters, I would have thought that would have made Mam jump on the plane quicker. So, once Mam knew then the whole world knew, she was delighted to say the least.

When we were growing up we had Nana looking after us hand and foot, cooking, cleaning, and all the rest. I learnt how to cook and how to clean, though I don’t think my wife would agree with that, while XXXX copped that he never needed to lift a finger, I even remember him coming home from college and was about to head out, Nana had cooked his dinner and he needed a shirt ironed. He was too lazy to iron it so he offered Nana £5 to do it, and you know what, he got away with an ironed shirt and the fiver still in his pocket, it was then we knew he’d become an accountant.

XXXX’s really lucky he’s found himself a girl as great as XXXX, by that I mean XXXX can drive. The only thing XXXX can drive is a golf ball. He says he has no interest in driving but Dad and myself know it’s because he’s afraid he might have to stop drinking when they go out and XXXX can enjoy herself.

Being so close in age I always shared a room with XXXX when we were growing up. It was trying to say the least. He use to make these snorting noises when he’d be sleeping, and he also loved snoring. You all now know why XXXX insisted on a 2 bedroom apartment.

XXXX is also a big fan of Poker, he’s competitive, there’s a bit of an understatement. There are certain people here who have unknowingly paid for their honeymoon by consistently loosing to him, and yes I would be one of those people.
I’m not sure if you know this but XXXX has also been made famous by the new VC poker ads, I’ve heard they got their inspiration for one of them with Ken Doherty from hearing about XXXX playing online poker in his Italia 90 Ireland shirt, a pair of Christmas boxers and XXXX’s slippers!

All joking aside I want to say it’s a great privilege to be your best man today, everyone in the family is very proud of you and we’re all delighted you are marrying such a wonderful woman in XXXX.

Now before the last of the formalities I’m going to give you some advice, I may be only married a year and a half but here it is:
1. XXXX is always right, and 2. XXXX doesn’t want to hear your opinion, she only wants to hear her opinion in a deeper voice.

(Tap Glass)
So now it gives me great pleasure in asking you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to XXXX and XXXX. We wish you all the best for your future….XXXX and XXXX.

The End......
So what do you think, is it OK?