How I to tell her ?

LegacyUser · 11-10-2007 11:47PM #1

Going unreg for this. After months of heartache and uncertainty, I decided to tell this girl that I like her. Just to give you a bit of a background, I was working with this girl for a few months. We're not anymore but we still hang out with each other pretty often, sometimes just the 2 of us.

Thing is I've fallen for her for quite sometime, but I dont know how she feels. At times she would be flirting with me, and at times she would treat me just like a good friend. I'm afraid that I could just be mis-interpreting signs of affection between friends as something more.

This has been tormenting me for ages. I'm mad about her, but at the same time, I have the feeling that she doesn't feel the same about me. If I tell her and she says no (and I feel thats most likely what will happen), then the friendship would certainly be difficult and will most likely end.I'm a big believer in cutting off all contact to get over someone. But if I dont tell her, this feeling of uncertainty will continue to eat at me.

What should I do ? Should I come clean ? And if I do, how do I do it without freaking her out? Specifically, WHAT should I say? I'm hopeless when it comes to this sort of situation. We are going out tomorrow night with some friends from work. I plan to tell her then.

celestial · 12-10-2007 04:56AM

hey dude

I saw your post and actually joined this site because I wanted to reply to you - I have been in the same situation as you in the recent past - within the last 6 months or so. First of all - have you told her? How did it go?

If you haven't, then I would hold back and I'll tell you why in my next post...
If you have told her, how did it go?

Reku · 12-10-2007 07:59AM

I don't think tonight, with work friends, would be the best time to tell her. I feel you should tell her but do it at a time when you have plenty of time alone together to talk about it a public "outing" might simply be too embarassing for the girl and for you if she says no.
This is something between you and her, no-one else needs know about it.

Anyway, good luck with this.

Spoony2 · 12-10-2007 08:12AM

Hmmmmmm

It's a tough position to be in, I know that from experience.

Okay I would approach it from this angle continue to be friend's There's no point rushing anything..have some fun together not sitting around...

Approach from that angle instead of the I really like you angle never does anything from what I've found, So take your time have some fun see what happens do things together and see how they go you never know but the full on I like you never really works from what ive found mind you the last girl i told was my best friend and still is

so i lost nothing...

but good luck

Knockoff Nige · 12-10-2007 09:13AM

I think what you should be trying to do is get her to want you. Then, you will have the right time to ask her out. Flirting can often be too innocent for it to mean anything. I say, do things that will impress her, alot. Act like James Dean. Be seductive in how you talk to her. Bring attention to your body including your crotch.

cinnamon · 12-10-2007 09:41AM

madlyinlove wrote: »

After months of heartache and uncertainty,

This has been tormenting me for ages. . But if I dont tell her, this feeling of uncertainty will continue to eat at me.

I think you should definitely tell her. If you don't sooner or later she'll start to see a boy and maybe go out with him. As someone in love with her, you won't be able to support her as a friend should. You will be bitter and jealous and this will cause a rift.
So in a worse case scenario if you tell her and she rejects you, the friendship will end. If you don't tell her and she starts to see someone (which she will eventually) the friendship will end.
Better to take a chance and tell her. She may say yes. And if she doesn't there are plenty who will. Good luck and keep us posted.

Rob_l · 12-10-2007 09:52AM

If nothing has happened and there have been opportunites I think nothing may happen.
If you want to keep her as a frienf forget it.

However I am not a believer it letting things lie I would rather lose a thousand fights to win just one and that is why I believe you should go for it public gatherings are most assuredly not the way forward though. Perhaps even minimise contact for a period before making any approach as they say abscence makes the heart grow fonder make sure this is what you want to do then do it.

But definetly give it time apart to make sure this si what you wnat to do and when you are sure then you know what to do.

Jesus Quintana · 12-10-2007 09:54AM

How old are ye??

You have to tell her, its as simply as that but do so when ye're alone. It'll be a huge relief when you do so, even if it is unsuccessful.

smcelhinney · 12-10-2007 09:59AM

Mate,

Been in this situation once before. Im anxious to see what celestial has to say about this, so I'll be checking back if you do post

Anyhow, in my case, it was simple. I weighed up all possibilities, thought about the consequence of not having this person in my life (which would invariably happen, as she told me about a similar situation with another guy), and decided it was too much to risk. We are best of friends, and sure it hurts me when I see her out with other guys etc, but while they may come and go, I know this way that I have her in my life forever. Besides, you DO move on, inevitably it happens..

If you think that you can have a better emotional and romantic relationship with this girl, than a platonic one, then just ask her out.

r3nu4l · 12-10-2007 10:00AM

I assume you have her phone number and email address? Why not call her one night and ask her if she'd like to go for lunch or a drink with you over the weekend?

Then when you have her to yourself, have some lunch or a drink, enjoy it and towards the end of lunch just say to her that you like her as more than a friend and are wondering if she has similar feelings or sees any potential future for you two as a couple. Don;t declare undying love or a wish to father her children! Take it handy

Some more advice: If you end up going for an alcoholic drink, my advice would be to go somewhere quiet where you don;t ahve to shout to be heard and most definitely to talk to her BEFORE you've finished your first drink! Don't wait until you are a drunken mess.

Oh and if she says no...it's not the end of the world, you CAN get over it and it doesn't necessarily have to be the end of your friendship.

LegacyUser · 12-10-2007 10:51AM

celestial wrote: »

hey dude

I saw your post and actually joined this site because I wanted to reply to you - I have been in the same situation as you in the recent past - within the last 6 months or so. First of all - have you told her? How did it go?

If you haven't, then I would hold back and I'll tell you why in my next post...
If you have told her, how did it go?

Thanks. I haven't told her yet. Going out with friends.

A bit of mixed response here, but I think I really need to get it out. Its been ages and the pain and uncertainty, the mix-messages , is driving me demented and is really affecting me. If I was a betting man I'd put her money on her saying no, but I need closure.

I'm leaving for holidays next week. I am planning to tell her tonight. If she says no at least I will be a cpl of weeks away from her, getting my head sorted out and I can start afresh (I hope) when I come back.

My only hope is that I can get some time with her alone. We are going for drinks pre- dinner and maybe thats not the time for it. Maybe the after dinner drinks would be better, if we can get some time alone. I really want to get it out before my holidays, as I know it would be eating at me during my entire trip.

How would be the best way to tell her? I plan to tell her that I'll be missing her when I'm away...and take it from there...

Spoony2 · 12-10-2007 12:33PM

I think you should relax you know you like some one.

I allso think that you should be trying to get her to want you .

and if you do decide to tell her why dont you ask her out for a meal and then do something nice and judge it form there.....

theres a website called www.askmen.com theres a section in there that deals with romance and such things it might help.

Spoony2 · 12-10-2007 12:36PM

as jumping in head first could hurt you a lot more .

biko · 12-10-2007 12:40PM

madlyinlove wrote: »

Its been ages and the pain and uncertainty, the mix-messages , is driving me demented and is really affecting me. If I was a betting man I'd put her money on her saying no, but I need closure.

Make sure that YOU don't give HER mixed messages. Once you decided to "go for it", stay on course and see it through. Say you enjoy her friendship but have given it serious thought and really want things to develop. G'luck.

LegacyUser · 12-10-2007 02:04PM

Thanks for the advice. Feel free to give me more tips on what do I say and how I approach this. I only pray that I get a chance to tell her tonight. I'd be pissed off on my holidays if I didn't.!!

Wibbs · 12-10-2007 02:32PM

Maybe I'm cynical, but I have enough friends so if I'm very attracted to someone I wouldn't go down the friends route. Rarely of ever will it translate into something more. I would say tell her and if she doesn't go for it move on. Down the line when you're with someone else or she's not attractive to you to nearly the same extent, then friendship is possible. That said that's only happened to me once in my life.

marius · 12-10-2007 05:08PM

OP,

Go out with her and a few of your mates, try as hard as you can to score someone else or at least to give her that impression.....you will find out pretty soon whether she like you or not.....

celestial · 12-10-2007 05:47PM

madlyinlove wrote: »

I'm afraid that I could just be mis-interpreting signs of affection between friends as something more.

This has been tormenting me for ages. I'm mad about her, but at the same time, I have the feeling that she doesn't feel the same about me. If I tell her and she says no (and I feel thats most likely what will happen), then the friendship would certainly be difficult and will most likely end.

What should I do ? Should I come clean ? And if I do, how do I do it without freaking her out? Specifically, WHAT should I say? I'm hopeless when it comes to this sort of situation.

Ok dude, well I'm glad you haven't told her yet and I'm glad you haven't!!! I think it is a BAD BAD IDEA! Look at what you wrote above.

About a year ago I was in the same situation as you - friends with a flirtatious, friendly girl. I was crazy about her and looked way too much into little things that I convinced myself meant that she liked me back 'in that way'. Listen, I know how you feel - you have all these emotions running around and you're just bursting to tell her. You also think you'll feel better when you do. However - you probably won't! You say that you feel she doesn't feel the same about you - now there's a warning sign if ever there was one. If this girl liked you and wanted you she would prob have you by now :-) Girls put us blokes into two categories - guys they fancy and guys they are 'just good friends' with. If you know her all this time and you haven't yet scored, then chances are very high that she doesn't think of you that way. A girl knows when a bloke is into her - always!! If she felt the same,you would probably already be together right now - cos she would have made sure you knew. Trust me.

Think about when you tell her you like her-

How do you expect her to respond? Do you think she is going to smile, throw her arms round you, and say 'oh i thought you'd never tell me you liked me'!!

If you tell her, and she says 'ohh.. but I just like you as a friend', what happens then? Awkwardness, mild embarrassment (maybe even more on her side) may well ensue. And what happens then - you go back to being just friends like nothing ever happens? In my experience it was far, far worse having told her I liked her and then going back to trying to be friends. I tried it for a while, realised I was even more crazy about her - and then decided to sort the situation out - I told her that I wasn't happy being just friends and that I would always fancy her, and that the reason I hadn't been in touch much was that I felt I needed to put some space between her and me (because I didn't want her as just a friend). Since then I have gotten over it more or less completely - at the same time I am thinking that because I am not pretending I dont fancy her, who knows, something might happen in the future (but I am not tied to that notion and I am out there meeting other women).

In short, when you tell a girl you like her it turns them off, unless they are clearly mad into you too and not sure you feel the same. This does NOT sound like one of these cases. Lean back, take it easy, and step back from the situation. Maybe dont see her for a while, and see how she responds. Then, when you are out with her again somewhere, try something a bit more physical - a touch, some flirting - and really try to gauge how she responds...if you want to know if she does like you, then ACT like someone who is romantically interested, rather than TELLING her that you are into her. Try the kiss test next time you are out relaxing at a bar, sitting together somewhere, etc. See how she responds...you will know very quickly if she is into it or not.

In short, the trick is to do this with ACTIONS NOT WORDS. When you do this, you don't put yourself right in the firing line, and you avoid all the things you don't want to happen above. You also find out if she is into you without threatening the relationship or causing yourself the grief I caused myself!

You sound inexperienced so check out some resources http://www.alovelinksplus.com/advice/double-your-dating-articles/tell-her-you-like-her.htm

and http://www.doubleyourdating.com/18310/page2.asp

Remember, be cool, take a step or two back, use actions not words - and THINK!!

celestial

cinnamon · 12-10-2007 08:54PM

A girl knows when a bloke is into her - always!!

No they dont! I have been wrong on several occasions.
I had no clue a guy was 'crazy' about me and I thought a guy was into me only for it to turn out he wasn't

It is ideal you are going on holidays, as

1. If you tell her and she is unsure - she has time to mull it over and may realise she misses you..... (this happened to my brother. He liked a friend of his and was always coming onto her. She was unsure but when she went on holiday she realised she had feelings for him and when she came back they started a relationship)
2. If she says 'no', you have time apart to gather yourself. A change of location will do wonders and you can come back a new man.
3. If she says 'yes', absense can only make the heart grow fonder!

Good luck

bronte · 13-10-2007 12:19AM

cinnamon wrote: »

No they dont! I have been wrong on several occasions.
I had no clue a guy was 'crazy' about me and I thought a guy was into me only for it to turn out he wasn't

It is ideal you are going on holidays, as

1. If you tell her and she is unsure - she has time to mull it over and may realise she misses you..... (this happened to my brother. He liked a friend of his and was always coming onto her. She was unsure but when she went on holiday she realised she had feelings for him and when she came back they started a relationship)
2. If she says 'no', you have time apart to gather yourself. A change of location will do wonders and you can come back a new man.
3. If she says 'yes', absense can only make the heart grow fonder!

Good luck

I agree with cinnamon!
I, like some girls need a guy to hold up an flashing neon sign saying "i like you" before I cop it!
I don't like to presume ..EVER!

Not all girls know straight away!
I'd tell her op...just mention you'd like to take her out sometime..keep it casual!

di11on · 13-10-2007 12:57AM

Let me ask this question: Has anyone here any experience of someone coming clean and saying they like someone and that moving the relationship from friends to more?

I.e. is it a case where if the relationship hasn't happened organically, it's not likely to happen at all?

Balmed Out · 13-10-2007 08:59AM

Do u really need to tell her ? why not just try it on somenight as an acid test. If it doesnt work you just say you had a bit too much to drink etc and it avoids any big dramatic episode. If it does i still wouldnt be declaring love itll only scare her away if she isnt quite into u to the same extent. play it cool and c what happens.

LegacyUser · 13-10-2007 09:53AM

I was in the same boat about a year ago. I posted here and got mixed responses.

I liked this guy in my group of friends. We were really good friends, still are. We're both quite shy when it comes to these things. I had liked him for about a year or so before I told him. I decided I needed closure. So I asked him to come for a walk with me and I told him. I surprised him, for sure. He said that he'd prefer just to be friends. I was disappointed obviously but he still came back to my house and we talked for ages as normal. We were in college the next day and everything was like normal.

So anyway, about a month later, we were out at the cinema and in the car on the way home he says, remember how you told me you liked me... well I lied, I like you too.

We're still together 10 months later

You should tell her. It's better to get it off your mind!

LegacyUser · 13-10-2007 01:16PM

I think I crashed and burned. It was a small group out yesterday, so trying to get her alone was impossible. When i got my mili-second, and try to start hinting that I like her (like telling that I will miss her when I am away), she very quickly changes the subject. She obviously knows and I always suspected that already but I guess this is clear indication of how she feels. I spoke to some friends who were there after the night out, and all of them knew that I liked her.

I am feeling pretty crappy at the moment. My flight is leaving soon. Hopefully this holiday will clear my head

dsmythy · 13-10-2007 03:14PM

Sorry to hear that man. From what you say there it looks like a bit of a no goer. Like you said before you have a nice break now. So by the time you return you should have it less on your mind.

When you return just focus on having a great friendship with this girl. A couple of people mentioned earlier in the thread of the tactic of getting with someone else and see any reaction from her.

I wouldn't do this actively but if some night that situation happens to occur it could be potentially one last test. Or who knows you could meet someone even more special than her.

Spoony2 · 14-10-2007 10:17AM

madlyinlove wrote: »

I think I crashed and burned. It was a small group out yesterday, so trying to get her alone was impossible. When i got my mili-second, and try to start hinting that I like her (like telling that I will miss her when I am away), she very quickly changes the subject. She obviously knows and I always suspected that already but I guess this is clear indication of how she feels. I spoke to some friends who were there after the night out, and all of them knew that I liked her.

I am feeling pretty crappy at the moment. My flight is leaving soon. Hopefully this holiday will clear my head

Hiow have you crashed and burned????

You have told her something you had to. I did the same once and me and the girl are even better friends then we were before then ok it was a little orcward, at the start but like after a few times of talking and stuff it was great

, I told her that i always felt close to her and that i would like things to move on , she replied I dont know what to say , i replied its cool carry on doing what your doing.

Now I kinda look at it like this she's still my friened and there is a still a crush on her but i dont speek of it i dont need to she knows the score.

If something happened in the future one can never know what's around the corner. But if it does great if it don't Oh well she's still my friend...

Serously man dotn beet your self up over nothing the future is a strange place :cool:

LegacyUser · 14-10-2007 11:06PM

Thanks for the responses. I'm now in my holidays but still find her at the back of my mind all the time. Some of you suggested that I carry on the friendship but I am in a dilemma if its the right thing to do. I mean, I'm absolutely mad about this girl. Seeing her and hanging around her would only make things worse. What happens if she starts dating someone else? It would absolutely kill me.

My head tells me that I should forget about her as soon as possible and the best way of doing this is not to see her again. This reminded me of the situation with my ex-gf, whom I met recently for drinks after having not spoken to for about 4 years. It was almost like this, except we were dating then. When we broke up I realised that I had to forget her ASAP, and so I never spoke, email or see her again. It was difficult because I felt very strongly for her then. But when I saw her again recently, I realised, that while she is still someone special, I have acheived total emotional-independence from this girl. I feel nothing.I think for the first time ever with her, we could actually become real 'friends' ! This is the effect I am trying to acheive with this current girl.

To be honest that is something I hope I dont have to do. I love her company. I love being around her. I love to hear the thoughts, her voice. I love it when she greets me with a peck on the cheek, or a hug. I love her laugh, she's ridiculously beautiful. Part of me hope that some people here could convince me to do otherwise, but I'm afraid that if I do remain in contact with her I would always feel this way and can't move on.

So what do you people think? Whats the next best course of action?

celestial · 15-10-2007 01:31AM

hey there OP - sounds like you took the clever route - you didn't flat out say 'i like you' etc, but you did find out how she really feels...

my advice would be give yourself a bit of space, don't hang out with her as much as you used to - and just live your life apart from her - in my experience this is the best route. If you are happy to be friends with her without getting what you really want then fair enough, but in my view it will prob be even harder being friends with her now as you will want her even more - if that is the case then stay apart from her and you will feel all the better for it - trust me.

Knockoff Nige · 15-10-2007 09:26AM

Yeah i think you should cut all ties up until you are over her. I was mad about a girl before who had a boyfriend. Obviously I wasnt going to tell her as that would have been a lousy thing to do. For some mad reason images of the two of them 'at it' used to flash into my mind. That was torture and completely unavoidable. Yet, it was pathetic. I had nothing to do with her realtionship and so had no right to feel that way. I'd say avoid this as much as possible.

LegacyUser · 15-10-2007 10:24AM

OP, I know exactly what you're going through. All through college I had a huge crush on one of the girls on my course. I couldn't stop thinking about her and wanted it to be a lot more than just friends. I always think she knew I had a crush on her but I never told her and nothing ever came of it because I knew she didn't feel the same way.

However, we always remained friends and I'm glad to this day that we still are. I still see her every day (we work together) and get on really well with her. But the romantic feelings I had for her in college have long faded away! When I finally realised that we would never be together the romantic feelings I had towards her slowly disappeared. It was difficult at first but it was worth the pain as i now have a very good friend and I have met someone else who I love more than I could have ever imagined possible.

My advice is not to cut off contact with this girl. I know it's difficult now but in the years to come you will meet other women who you'll be attracted to and all the time you'll also be keeping this girl as a friend. Trust me, it's a win win situation!

LegacyUser · 15-10-2007 02:34PM

Probably the best thing to do is relax or go mad in a different country (whichever you prefer) for the next few weeks. Enjoy it and have the laugh. Come back, play it by ear. Don't expect her to understand if you do need to break contact for a while. I went through the exact same thing before so i know how you feel.

www.theladdertheory.com

This might explain the situation and why it arised. All blokes ive told this to agree with it and many girls don't. At the very least it'll give you a laugh if you haven't heard it before. The most important thing to do is be selfish for a little while and put yourself first (over her anyway). You got it off your chest and now you know where things stand and you'll be suprised how fast you'll recover from this point on. Good luck with it man and have a great holiday.

How I to tell her ?

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