So, I like this girl in work

LegacyUser · 15-10-2006 02:13PM #1

Just broke up with my girlfriend of a few years, and there's a girl in work who I quite fancy. We get on great, spend hours on MSN and whenever there's a work related bash we hang off each other. The real problem lies in when something materialises. She's had a boyf for the last few years. I've stayed away from discussing for the obvious reasons, and him in general. I know they're pretty happy etc. It seems to me that there's some level of reciprication in the levels of flirting going on. The major issue is of course the lack of one to one time.

I know that if I want something to happen I have to force the issue, but on the other hand I do genuinely get on quite well with the girl so I dont think I really want to be awkward in that "You shot me down, I'm hurt" kind of way. I also definitely don't want to hear, "I would but........ I have a boyf so....".

I've tried a few tactics to get a response either way. One being talking about women to her, she was disinterested and conversation quietened for a while. I suggested we go for a drink during work during a quiet time, but her sensabilities told her work + booze = bad idea. I'm running out of ideas, but I guess I've all the time in the world.

I seem to have made my mind up already on the boyf issue (i.e. he's not important) though I think if I was really being honest, it's probably what's holding me back trying a more direct approach.

So suggestions people would be very valuable. Keep them jovial and not too judgmental

Faith · 15-10-2006 02:49PM

ifshereadsthis wrote:

I suggested we go for a drink during work during a quiet time, but her sensabilities told her work + booze = bad idea.

Replace "drink" with "coffee" and there shouldn't be a problem.

Ruu_Old · 15-10-2006 02:53PM

Coffee and then a nice walk somewhere, have a chat about things and see where it goes from there. If she is still in a relationship, don't interfere in it. Best leave her alone.

Chucky the tree · 15-10-2006 03:08PM

ifshereadsthis wrote:

, but her sensabilities told her work + booze = bad idea.D

Take the hint?

Chinafoot · 15-10-2006 03:14PM

ifshereadsthis wrote:

Just broke up with my girlfriend of a few years

How recent was the break up? After a long term relationship you should give yourself time to get over it (maybe you are, I don't know) but if this girl is going to be a rebound thing for you then it's pretty selfish to be planning on making a move while she has a boyfriend. You said yourself that they're happy together. If you really cared about her you wouldn't do anything to try and damage her relationship.

As for the flirting, maybe she is flirting back. That doesn't mean that she wants anything beyond friendship with you. There are plenty of men and women who work together and have flirty relationships which are just a bit of banter and don't really mean anything. If she is happy with her fella then there is a pretty good chance that this is the case for her.

ifshereadsthis wrote:

I seem to have made my mind up already on the boyf issue (i.e. he's not important)

He may not be important to you, but don't be surprised if he's important to her. You said yourself that they're happy together.

My advice would be to back off. If you really care for her then let her be happy in her relationship.

If you can't do that, then sit her down and tell her how you feel, but don't be surprised if she tells you that she doesn't think of you in that way.

gamer · 15-10-2006 03:31PM

she has a boyfriend ,you might wait forever till she splits up ,mightnever happen, or else ,gosh,try meeting sumone,in pub,nightclub,outside work,net dating site,i find it strange so many people depwend on workplace to fulfil all thier sexual/romantic needs.Its not like theres not 1000s of single women arriving in ireland every year.Just cos she,s nice to you doesnt mean shes looking 4 romance,is a friendship between man ,woman not possible?SOME women flirt just to pass the time at office partys.

LegacyUser · 15-10-2006 04:27PM

gamer wrote:

Just cos she,s nice to you doesnt mean shes looking 4 romance,is a friendship between man ,woman not possible?SOME women flirt just to pass the time at office partys.

Okay, I've taken your points on board. It could well be flirt with the guy in the office thing, but it's pretty exclusive to me, and we keep it between me and her, not too many other people are aware of it. The drink in work thing, maybe it was a shoot down, but I dont really think it was of the nature (i.e. drinking while in work aint a great idea). A tea and walk is definitely a good idea, but all there is, is a main road and a shopping centre, still though could work. As for looking for love in the office, I didn't look, it appeared, it's where I spend 40 hours of every week, which is more than I spend in any pub, club, or dating site. Inevitably, you'll run into someone that you fancy. I've worked her for 2 years, she's here for 1, and it's a recent thing. The parties weren't mandatory, and we practically spent the entire night exclusively hangin around, so I dont know if I buy the pass the time thing, she came on my suggestion. The boyfriend is the most important aspect here, as I've discussed. If it were my girlfriend and some bloke I'd go nuts, and I'd imagine my hypothetical girlfriend would need to be pretty torn. That said, relationships should not stand in the way of getting with people who you genuinely have a good connection with, no?

I dont have to interfere per say, but maybe I could let her know I'm an option?

Chinafoot · 15-10-2006 04:49PM

ifshereadsthis wrote:

Okay, I've taken your points on board. It could well be flirt with the guy in the office thing, but it's pretty exclusive to me, and we keep it between me and her, not too many other people are aware of it.

A lot of people have one person in work whom they are closest to. Could be the case here.

ifshereadsthis wrote:

The drink in work thing, maybe it was a shoot down, but I dont really think it was of the nature (i.e. drinking while in work aint a great idea).

Or it could have been a case of her thinking "I have a boyfriend and this sounds like a come-on. Don't want to give him the wrong idea."

ifshereadsthis wrote:

I've worked her for 2 years, she's here for 1, and it's a recent thing. The parties weren't mandatory, and we practically spent the entire night exclusively hangin around, so I dont know if I buy the pass the time thing, she came on my suggestion.

She's been there a year and you've been there longer. You get on well together. Perhaps you know more people than she does. Maybe the other people in the office that she gets on with and knows well weren't going to the party? Office parties can be a good way of getting to know other people that you work with - perhaps thats why she said she'd go when you suggested it. OR perhaps she was going to go anyway?

ifshereadsthis wrote:

The boyfriend is the most important aspect here, as I've discussed. If it were my girlfriend and some bloke I'd go nuts, and I'd imagine my hypothetical girlfriend would need to be pretty torn.

Has she shown any signs of being "torn"? I don't think flirting and going to the office party count tbh.

ifshereadsthis wrote:

That said, relationships should not stand in the way of getting with people who you genuinely have a good connection with, no?

If it's a two way thing then no they shouldn't. However you said that this girl is happy in her relationship. Maybe the "good connection" that you feel you have with her is what she already has with her boyfriend?

ifshereadsthis wrote:

I dont have to interfere per say, but maybe I could let her know I'm an option?

If you really think that there is a chance then yes, tell her how you feel. Sit her down and tell her that you really like her and would like something to happen. Tell her that you feel like you have a really good connection and that you get the feeling she likes you too.

Again, don't be surprised if she turns you down. Things could get awkward afterwards and you have to work together. Just be sure it's a risk worth taking. From what you've said so far it doesn't really seem to be. But that's just my opinion.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Sony · 15-10-2006 04:59PM

Dont do anything, how many reasons do you need to stop pursuing her?

1.she has a bf, 2. shes already tunred down the idea of an after work drink(surely she wouldnt have if she was interested?) and 3. you work with her.......I think the last reason there is the most important one to be honest, I have learnt harsh lessons about this in recent years and am actually learning one right now because Im going out with a girl i work with also and it just seems to cause problems even though there doesnt seem to be any there!

Ultimately make your own mind up but certainly in this case Id STRONGLY advise you against doing anything, I know this might sound poxy but its realistic in my opinion

Victor · 15-10-2006 05:29PM

If it all goes wrong and this is just a rebound, it gets reall nasty.

Pigman II · 15-10-2006 05:40PM

You're her boy'friend'. She has no interest in you. But hey, go take the plunge anyway just to be sure. All that'll happen is she'll tell you you got the wrong idea and the you can tie up all the loose ends by quitting your job just for good measure.

There's billions of women out there dude. You don't just settle with the first one that you find yourself within 3 feet of on a regular basis.

King of Kings · 15-10-2006 08:24PM

respect the other guys happiness and stay away...

surely you wouldn't like somebody plotting with his onlne co-conspritors on how to prise your missus form you? would you?

It'll get you in the end - either bad karma-wise or his fists.

pinkdaisy · 15-10-2006 09:17PM

yep definitely a bad idea imo. leave her alone.... if she seems happy with her boyfriend you should respect that. its not fair to her to pursue her, youll put her in an awkward position.
all girls flirt whether theyre going out with someone or not, usually its a fun way to pass the time at work, dont get the wrong idea from it!

Red Alert · 15-10-2006 09:28PM

you're probably unlikely to get anywhere as long as this boyfriend is around. with opposite-sex's romance, no news is good news, so unless she is dropping hints that there's a problem then there probably isn't one.

this friendship looks like a strong enough bond? do you really want to take a chance and ruin it? i had this problem twice in the past few years. one was a girl i met in my summer job, became really close friends with and then went out with. now i don't talk to or see her anymore. the other was someone i had feelings for but now is living away, and we keep in touch by e-mail. i never broached the topic of love/lust with her, despite telling myself to. it's a rock/hard place scenario, but the boyfriend in the mix tells me that the right answer is nothing more than friendship.

16-10-2006 01:54AM

ifshereadsthis wrote:

Just broke up with my girlfriend of a few years, and there's a girl in work who I quite fancy. We get on great, spend hours on MSN and whenever there's a work related bash we hang off each other. The real problem lies in when something materialises. She's had a boyf for the last few years. I've stayed away from discussing for the obvious reasons, and him in general. I know they're pretty happy etc.

They are "happy," and you are asking us for advice on how you can break them up? *Blue takes a deep breath, counts to 10, bites lip and tries not to say anything more...*

LegacyUser · 16-10-2006 03:30AM

Your her work buddy! That's all.

If there is a chance to break them up you will have to do it by getting her to compare her boyfriend and you. You can't tell her your better she will have to notice.

You have to make small gestures of affection like bringing her coffee or sharing something from your lunch. Don't go out of your way to do anything big though. If she feels the same way about you she will come around.

There is no way you can break someone up if they truly love each other.

Kell · 16-10-2006 12:45PM

ifshereadsthis wrote:

She's had a boyf for the last few years. I know they're pretty happy etc.

You are being used as a safe bet to "hang off of at company do's" and also make her feel that she can still command outside interest inside of a relationship. And you cant see this? Last relationship clouded your judgement eh?

Back up and leave her alone.

K-

Creagh_fish · 18-05-2009 03:07PM

I really think it really depends on the relationship she has with her b/f. There are 3 scenarios that i can think of that might be going on here...

1. Her and her b/f are happy, secure, and she is just a flirty person with people that she knows well.

2. She has absolutely no feelings towards the b/f and they are together out of habit. In which case she does like you but is too afraid to rock the boat.

3. Unfortunately I think this is most likely the case: Sometimes when a somewhat insecure lady doesn't get enough attention from her other half. She will turn to the "ego-booster"; that's some poor, unwitting, semi-attractive lad, that she will flirt with and use to within an inch of his life. I've seen this a few times before, and 2 out of 3 times it ends in one drunken-guilt filled snog: after which the poor lad is ex-communicated in favour of the b/f.

IMHO It sounds to me like your head is melted my the whole thing. I say go for it; because you sound like you need closure. You need to know how she feels so you can start getting over it once and for all, or hey, you might have struck gold, who knows? Either way, try and step back from the whole situation, and then go with what your gut was telling you all along!

Best of luck.

Metacortex · 18-05-2009 04:19PM

ifshereadsthis wrote: »

Just broke up with my girlfriend of a few years, and there's a girl in work who I quite fancy. We get on great, spend hours on MSN and whenever there's a work related bash we hang off each other. The real problem lies in when something materialises. She's had a boyf for the last few years. I've stayed away from discussing for the obvious reasons, and him in general. I know they're pretty happy etc. It seems to me that there's some level of reciprication in the levels of flirting going on. The major issue is of course the lack of one to one time.

You know they are happy. Theres nothing else to it, leave them be, don't be that person who tries to come between a couple.

Zaph · 18-05-2009 05:32PM

Creagh_fish, please don't drag up threads that are over two years old.

Thread closed.

Wibbs · 18-05-2009 05:32PM

Eh maybe read the date of this thread? Closed.

So, I like this girl in work

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