Really Corny Jokes

Rabies · 04-07-2002 11:45am #1

got these joke this morning from a friend. i dont think i have ever read as many corny jokes in one email.....

___________________________________________
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A
woman
comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?"
The man says "A premature ejaculation."

"What?" says the woman.
The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor.

The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field,

Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an
electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Answer phone message

"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed,
is
there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up
and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going
to
have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff ...... boom boom!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or
my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's
Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find
any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he
said,
"the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I
had
to amputate your arms"

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled
a
mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in
the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak
and
heat it.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks
the
doc.

"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man.

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"

"Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Mr E · 04-07-2002 11:57am

Excellent!!

Slaanesh · 04-07-2002 12:14pm

some of them had me in absolute pieces !

Classics.

Slaan.

stevoslice · 04-07-2002 12:19pm

This is a good one.

Maurice was a monkey in the amazon,
One day he decided that it would be easier to eathis food if had some sort of tool to hold on to it, so he searched all over the jungle until finally he found a stick with four points coming from the top of it (very similar to a fork).

He tested out the stick and sure enough it made eating a doddle, so, maurice not being one to be modest, showed his discovery to everyone else in the jungle, and when they'd ask what it was he'd simply reply, 'Oh, that's my Four Point Tool'

Everyone in the jungle was really impressed until suddenly a big black cat, jumped out in front of Maurice, took the Four Point Tool and ate it.

'What did you do that for?' shouted Maurice.

'Oh did you not know', replied the cat.

'I'm a Four Point Tool eater Jaguar'

Brilliant.

Dave · 04-07-2002 4:46pm

Brilliant

bozzie · 04-07-2002 11:36pm

one and all classics

Spiffing · 06-07-2002 1:46am

Originally posted by Rabies
got these joke this morning from a friend. i dont think i have ever read as many corny jokes in one email.....

Give that man a medal!

Monkey · 06-07-2002 9:53pm

'I'm a Four Point Tool eater Jaguar'

RUBBISH

KdjaCL · 09-07-2002 6:44am

This guy lived on a farm and was having money problems,
the thing was he kept buying new tracters every 6 months bought a brand new tractor had about 23 of them.
Eventually the strain got to him and his wife and they had to seel all the tractors and the farm to pay off their loans.
A few months after everything was sold off they were sitting in a smokey pub drowning their sorrows when the pub became smokier and smokier eventualy the guy jumped up and took a deep breath and blew all the smoke from the pub.....

how did he do that everyone cried

his wife replied "because hes an ex tractor fan "

not exact typed fomr memory but fits in with the above jokes

Kdja

oeNeo · 09-07-2002 9:41am

Brilliant, all of them are brilliant. :cool:

Jimi-Spandex · 09-07-2002 2:19pm

You owe one pair of unsoiled pants

They were classic

Harmo · 09-07-2002 6:03pm

He He He well funny:D

hacktavist · 09-07-2002 6:30pm

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
Went down the road and turned into a feild.

superconor · 09-07-2002 10:53pm

o my sweet lord they are the funniest collection of jokes i have heard in ages!

Thanx 4 The Fish · 11-07-2002 3:23pm

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be
more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store
and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual
pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for
the box, and decided he would start off by taking his
new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like
to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there
was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a
bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink
with me?" But again, there was no answer from his
new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting
his face up against the centipede's house and
shouting, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to
Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the
first time!
I'm putting my f*cking shoes on ."

BKtje · 11-07-2002 4:33pm

rofl great one

Rabies · 12-07-2002 5:05pm

Q. what do you call a blonde with two brain cells

A. Pregnant

this is also a joke.

may i be the first to apologise to all blondes in this world. this joke may hurt their feelings and it implies that all blonds are stupid :rolleyes:

this is the humour section of the Boards. a little bit of an open mind is needed at times to grasp the full intent of all jokes here

plastic membrane · 12-07-2002 9:03pm

Its all good. And funny.

cujimmy · 12-07-2002 10:12pm

Q: what do you call a blonde with half a brain
A: Gifted
Q: What do you call a blone with a full brain
A: A labrador

Dont blame me Rabies started it

Thanx 4 The Fish · 15-07-2002 11:47am

A little brown paper bag wasn't feeling very well one day, so he decided to take himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel so good" said the little bag.

"Well," said the doctor "you look okay, but let's do some blood tests and see if we can find out what's wrong with you. Come back and see me in a week."

The little brown paper bag wasn't feeling any better when he went back to get the results.

"What's wrong with me, doctor?" He asked.

"I'm afraid you're HIV positive" said the doctor.

"NO!" cried the little bag, "I can't be! I'm only a little paper bag!"

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"No, I told you, I can't do things like that! I'm only a little paper bag!"

"Well then, are you having a homosexual relationship?"

"No, I've already said, I can't do things like that. I'm only a little paper bag for heavens sake!"

"In that case," said the doctor "there's only one possible explanation...

...your mother must have been a carrier."

Calman · 16-07-2002 3:23am

Fookin deadly jokes lads. They warmed my heart a little

darque · 16-07-2002 3:30pm

- A prostitute goes to the doctor because she thinks she is pregnant...

The doctor asks who the father is and the prostitute replies:

"If you ate a tin of beans would you be able to tell which one made you fart?!?"
____________________________________________________

- A man arrives at a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his dick!

A woman comes up to him and asks him what he's suppost to be?!?

He replied: " I'm a fireman...break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!" :eek:

David Robinson · 23-07-2002 11:45am

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
___________________________________

There are two parrots standing on a perch.
One says to the other "can you smell fish around here?".
___________________________________

There are two amoebas at a party.
One says to the other "I'm bored, let's split".

TinCool · 23-07-2002 2:18pm

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with
their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over
to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reached into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself
someunderwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - - why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You don't give me enough house keeping money to be able to afford any."

The Scott reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"

Really Corny Jokes

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