Break in

Yeah hi i'm "new", whatever.
Last night I exerienced a break in at my home. I like many others who have never actually experienced a break in used to believe that if anyone where to attempt to rob my home I'd smash them up real bad, but last night I found out that what we believe ourselfs to act in certain situations, in fact, completely innacurate.
What happended was as follows; I had just finished shaving my dog, Frank when I decided to head off to bed (long story). The house was dead silent, apart form Frank barking and the stereo playing. My home isn't attached to any others and it's secluded at the end of a cul de sac on it's own, so it's fairly tranquil and peacefull.
Once I 'disabled' Frank and the Stereo I turned off all the lights, locked all the doors, and set the house alarm. Just like any other day. I was lying in bed for at least a half an hour staring at the ceiling, beginning to dose off, when I heard a cough which I though I heard from within the house, I froze for a second and though, 'Nah, it's just me imagination' but found myself wide awake. Then all of a sudden I heard the fukin floorboards creek, not in a way the heating might do it, it was the sound of someone, or something leaning on it. I almost fouled my bedsheets. I was shaking like a crazy person. I didn't switch on the lights or nuthin. I didn't want to go 'gung ho' incase it was a drugged up phsyco with a penchant for man love. Things were racing through my mind like crazy, 'what if they're physcos', 'what if they are Aliens' and 'my hands are really sweaty' etc.
Now what I thought I'd do in this situation was grab my baseball bat and go nuts. But when the situation arises you suddendly think, what if there are 3/4 of them with baseball bats, and experienced at using basballbats, I've never used a basballbat, except for hitting golf balls at cows. 'Oh sh1t' I thought, I tippy toed across the room and quickly took off my nightgown (I didn't want to be embarrased!). I quickly changed into something dark and odourless. Then I heard "It's over here, bring shopping bags, there's underpants everywhere!" I almost became frantic. I felt something running down my legs and hit the floor I blushed, but then realised it was my lighter that fell through the hole in my pocket. A brief feeling of relief until I heard more whispering, then looking at the lighter in my hand, I then turned my attention at a can of Lynx. I began to muster an idea. I got a pair of old shin gaurds and put them on my arms to cushion any possible blows. I put a phone book in my jumper and got a fork I left in my trouser pocket and armed my self, in one hand I had the fork, in the other I had the lynx can, I slowly opened the door and the bastards had emptied half the place, my telly was gone, as was my stereo, microwave, lifesize clay model of Gloria Estefan and all my painting. Luckily all my painting and Gloria were ditched half way down the road, but It was frighening. I'm too scared to go home tonight. The Garda said 'it was probably just teenager' if you ignore them they'll stop. 'Teenagers', I said in disbelief, 'they cut my fukin alarm wires.' What has it come to when lil' dirtbags can disable a security alarm.