What is wrong with people?

Teapot30 · 20-01-2026 08:18PM #1

My father was diagnosed with cancer, we're still waiting to find out how bad it is but its looking likely its stage 4, best case scenario is stage 3. Ive had some other big painful things happen around the same time he was diagnosed, its been a stressful couple of months to say the least. Making things worse, a couple of my friends who I thought we're close friends pretty much discarded our friendship shortly after I discovered my dad is ill. One of them cut me out immediately, another was a slow fade and another just stopped making any effort but what tipped me over the edge was the other day, she sent me a pic of herself at home sick on the sofa. Id been speaking to her briefly at christmas via text and she hadnt been sick so it's not an ongoing illness or anything. It just felt like she wanted something from me. I dont have the capacity to give her any support or sympathy, she hasnt so much as asked how my dad is doing or how I am. She's always been wrapped up in herself but I just put it down to her being privileged, (When I told her my dad was sick she said he should use his health insurance to go private, he's a labourer and is working throughout his treatment to keep himself afloat financially, private health care is a pipe dream.) Regardless, I always felt she had a good heart and we got on great although when I spoke about my problems she did make allot of it about herself. I just cant believe how heartless she is, I cant imagine not caring if my friend was going through a really difficult period in their life.

None of these 'friends' have asked how he is. What hurts most is that in the past I have dropped everything to help them out or be there for each of them if they needed anything. One in particular, I was an emotional anchor for her when she was going through a break up, Ive minded her kids, went out of my way to drive her places, pick her up, drop her home 40 minutes from where I live, I helped her get into college by helping her with her applications, essays, interview prep and applications for susi grants and other financial supports. It feels like such a slap in the face. The other one contacted me a few months ago because he was stressed about his job. These are all long time friends that ive known for years. What is wrong with people?

Tork · 20-01-2026 09:21PM

I'm sorry to read about what you're going through. It's bad enough that you're stressed about your father, without being let down by your so-called friends. I hope you have other people in your life who care about you and are there for you at this difficult time.

I can only go by what you've written here, and it goes without saying that I don't have the full picture. These two friendships sound quite one-sided, and you were the one doing all of the running. The first friend you've described as being wrapped up in herself. You made excuses for it, rather than seeing her for who she is. She's someone who lives in her own bubble and was never going to come out to bat for you.

The second one is arguably the worst of the pair to me. She sounds like a user who was happy to have you help her out. Though from reading all of this, it makes me wonder what you were getting out of all of this. It's almost as if you became a substitute mammy for her. You might need to think about how over-generous you were here, and if any of your generosity was ever reciprocated.

My only advice really is to cut contact with both of them, and don't engage if either has the neck to come crawling back. It isn't really a case of "what's wrong with people" but more of a horrible lesson in wasting your kindness on undeserving people.

witchgirl26 · 10-03-2026 01:23PM

OP firstly I'm sorry about your father & all that you've been going through.

I've been there when my dad was diagnosed with cancer so I can give you my perspective from that front but also as the friend of someone whose father was also diagnosed with cancer.

As the daughter I did see some friendships that I would have thought were stronger drop off. Sometimes its that people don't know what to say or how to react if they've never been in that situation & they almost resort to ignoring it because of that. I'm not excusing the behaviour at all but explaining it. With some of my closest friends who I could see weren't sure how to be with me at that time, I brought it up. I rang them & started the conversation. Not easy but once that first bridge was crossed, it changed things & I'd get the messages asking me how I was.

As the friend - one of my good friend's dad was diagnosed with cancer about 6 months after my dad passed away. Honestly I couldn't cope with it and I did ghost them for a while. Was it bad of me? Of course! But I did have to somewhat protect myself. I couldn't be there for her because I was still dealing with my own stuff at that point. I don't know what's maybe going on in your friends lives at this point but maybe have a quick look & see if it's something like that.

Now that's only if you want to continue these friendships. I will say the first one sounds like someone who maybe doesn't fully consider what's going on around them but might be a good friend once that gets through. However the second one does sound like they've been taking advantage of you for a while.

Teapot30 · 21-03-2026 10:38PM

Thanks, yeah its pretty much like that. The first one was always quite flakey, I actually blocked her from an app because I was getting sporadic messages about meeting up with no follow through and no reply to my messages, she would regularly cancel plans last minute, we've had full days planned to go somewhere, she contacted the night before to confirm, I freed up my day only to get a message from her in the afternoon, long after our arranged time to meet, cancelling because she was tired. It became worse when she got into a relationship, I know that friendships will drift depending on life circumstances but there was an expectation on me to do all the running and if she went out of her way for me in the slightest she made sure to mention it and even it out to make sure she was getting something back. The last time we met up and told her about my dad and some other life things, I didnt go on about them, it was all within context and we talked about lots of other things but she said she was going to talk about things bothering her because its only fair, just thought that was an odd thing to say.. like the friendship was transactional or something.

The second one drained every bit of good will out of me, I have nothing left to give her so stepped away from the friendship entirely. Both have experience with cancer in their family so it wasnt like they dont know what its like.

Another friend is similar, it was her birthday last month, I travelled 2 hours for her party, brought her gifts and made the effort to celebrate with her, I met her and another friend for lunch recently, my birthday was last week, one of my friends brought a card which i was so grateful for, this other friend couldnt even mutter the words 'happy birthday' or even ask what I did? I would be mortified if I was with friends and it was someones birthday and I didnt even say anything while everyone else did. I didnt mention my birthday, I didnt bring it up and my birthday isnt the point its how everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager. Its so incredibly draining making time and effort for people who, when it comes down to it, wouldnt spit on me if I was on fire.

I have other friends who arent like this and im grateful for them but the majority are the other way. If anything the last year has thought me to be selective with my energy and kindness, not everyone is deserving.

What is wrong with people?

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