Stuck after painful year

KI2013 · 06-11-2025 08:19AM #1

I have just had one of the worst years of my life. I spent 8 years with a company which I liked - the work was good and I liked most of the people (some of the managers not so much). I moved jobs about a year ago for better promotion prospects (and more money, although it was never really about the money).

Things went downhill amazingly quickly - I was in a crash two weeks into the new job (in a light aircraft, so not your average crash). I didn't have any serious injuries, but it was a major accident and I was lucky to be alive. I took a week off work, but in hindsight should probably have taken longer (I almost certainly would have in the old job, but it's difficult when you have just moved). It was quite a shock at the time (not just for myself, but everyone else) and I'd have expected to feel happier to got out of it unscathed, but obviously your day to day life and problems don't just go away.

It was immediately obvious that the new job wasn't a good decision - the work was tedious and management was toxic. I approached my old job after a few months about coming back, via a manager who I trusted, but the old job said no - I can see in hindsight why it looked odd to ask to go back so quickly (combined with with the accident), but I saw red flags at the new place from nearly day one.

There were other life events mixed in - e.g. buying a new place and moving between autumn and spring. I was lucky that the process was (relatively) smooth, and I haven't got a huge mortgage, but it was still quite a lot of hassle dealing with the admin and the move while working a full time/demanding job. I also - on a much more minor note (especially in a year like this) - managed to catch Covid in summer and was quite sick for a week or two.

The new job never improved (including a holiday in spring that got ruined by a manager - the first holiday I'd had since joining the company and I could really have done with a peaceful break) and I had another coffee with the manager from my old job in the spring, but was again told no to going back to my old job.

I stuck at it with the new job until September (so made it a year), but then quit (if you need illustrative examples of what the place was like to work at, three other people quit the same week, and this was after another senior person quit a few weeks before - in my industry, it's wildly high attrition for a small department). I hadn't been planning to quit - I just did it after a particularly difficult time. It wasn't a spectacular storm out - I just handed in notice. I know you should never do that, but I have done it. Apart from regretting the personal inconvenience that this has caused, I do not miss the place and would not go back (unless totally desperate), so that is probably telling.

I feel like I have really messed up my career/life though. I don't have any immediate financial worries, which is lucky, but trying to explain to potential new employers why I quit is so difficult (and the places I'm getting interviews at are pretty inferior to the other places I have worked at). I have managed to get a provisional offer for another job, but I'm not really sure if I want it, and it is a big pay cut (although reduced hours/potential for more interesting work are positives/make it probably the best short term option). On top of this, I know others are gossiping about me leaving the new job (from both companies I worked at) - it's amazing how far it circulated.

I know the manager from the first company knows I resigned, but I was too embarrassed to get in touch with them - I'd love to talk through options (although I'm really not sure I have many), but I thought what's the point given obviously we have previously discussed this, and I don't want to put them through a third conversation about why the new job was so terrible/why I effectively just walked out. I do feel a bit let down that they didn't make more of an effort to help me when we spoke previously, but obviously nobody is obliged to put themselves out for others.

I realise in the grand scheme of things that a lot of this is just complaining (and it's not like people in my life haven't been supportive - in fact it's the opposite - they really have; it's just not very helpful because at the end of the day what I want is to get my career back on track and minimise damage to my reputation), but it feels like there's nobody to have a sensible conversation with about next steps (and no, I am not really enjoying the free time I have now - I don't think I would/will until I have some kind of stable plan). I just feel totally stuck and I have no idea where to start sorting through all of this.

El Gato De Negocios · 06-11-2025 09:01AM

If you dont have any immediate financial pressures then Id suggest taking as long as you can to decompress. Accidents like you described can have underlying psychological injuries that dont manifest for quite some time. Go on a cheap and cheerful city break somewhere for 3 or 4 nights. As you aren't currently working, midweek would probably be cheap as chips. I wouldn't be worrying about the leaving the second job, if you are ever asked about it in an interview just say there was a personal, family matter that needed to be taken care of and that has now passed and leave it at that, no interviewer will press you for any more details than that. The fact you had along term tenure in your previous role will help alot. You just sound a bit overwhelmed and are letting the most recent role overshadow your thought process.

Kilteragh · 06-11-2025 09:08AM

Sounds like you've had a very tough time but on reading this it also sounds like you have dealt with it pretty well even though it may not feel like that to you.

Many people stay in toxic jobs or work environments and it can be extremely challenging for your mental health. Quitting may have been somewhat spontaneous but it sounds like it was absolutely the right thing to do. Not many people are brave enough to take that decision so fair play to you.

Of course people will have been discussing your move. It's work and it's news and it's natural to discuss such things so I wouldn't see it as a negative. I agree that explaining your situation to potential new employers can be tricky but you have a track record behind you that you can point to. Sometimes we end up in the wrong jobs or environments. It happens and good employers will understand that. In interviews I would explain that briefly by saying it just wasn't for you and rather than speaking ill of the place (a no-no in interviews) just explain that you felt you had taken a wrong turn in your career path and made a decision to start afresh by looking for new roles. Interviewers should appreciate your honesty.

It may be a truism to say "when you have a job it's easier to get a job" but it certainly seems like the case in my experience. If finances are not an immediate worry for you then take a cold, hard look at what the next job should look like. Maybe the new offer could be a stepping stone or maybe there are better opportunities you can wait for. You seem well-placed to judge these things.

I would contact your old boss and not be embarrassed about it all. I was made redundant about a year ago after 20 years in one place. I had been lazy about my broader network and keeping in contact with people but when I did reach out I was stunned by how supportive people were. They took time to meet with me and advise me even though I hadn't been in touch in years. Most people are really good and heplful and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your old boss so definitely reach out. They probably couldn't offer you your old job back because their hands were tied for one reason or another. That's just business and out of anyone's control so don't worry about that. Concentrate on the future and leave the toxic previous job behind you. If nothing else just meet him / her to keep in touch. They may not have a solution for you right now but leave them with the impression that what happened is in the past and you are focusing on the bright future ahead of you. Something may turn up at some stage that they can recommend you for.

Reach out to other people in your network. This is hard but again, most people are great and will make time for you, so invite them for a coffee (and pay :-) ). It doesn't have to yield an immediate job offer but it's all about getting the word out there that KI2013 is a good person and would be a great asset to any organisation. Ireland is small and the network is key and the more people you have pulling for you the better.

Lastly, have you thought that you may be suffering from PTSD after the crash? It might be worth having a chat with a professional about that. The mind is a mysterious thing and can work against us if we've been through trauma.

Best of luck to you!

brookers · 06-11-2025 09:35AM

You probably have not thought about this but would you consider going to a therapist and doing some CBT. Plus would you consider taking a small dose of a mood booster? The reason I say this is that my daughter just had a very bad year, was stuck like you. Once she starting taking the medication, she could see more clearly. Enjoy life, plan, like you she made a decision to move but didn't work out. The CBT and medication made her realise that so what she made a mistake, she can now move on, no big deal, loads of life to live still…..she also had a medical emergency that at the time we all thought she got over but in hindsight this too left her feeling a bit down…..probably should have taking more time to recover from it. I would go to the GP, book a therapist and take a few days away in the sun. Also write down a few things that are going well for you, sounds like you have great support, that would be a huge positive, you have your own place, another positive etc.

taxAHcruel · 06-11-2025 02:13PM

It is difficult to read your post and find identifiable problems. As you said yourself you are in most ways in a good position. In ways that many other people who are jobless or in debt or alone would envy. You have no debts. You have work openings. You have supportive people around you. And more.

The issue appears to be that rather than evaluate your position as it is now - you are evaluating it against a) how you got here and b) how you think it might have been now had you made other decisions. And that is all out of your control. The past is the past.

Similarly there are things concerning you that most people have little to no control over. Such as your perceived "reputation". You can turn into a needy mess going around trying to fire fight or correct peoples perception of you if you like. Phoning them or writing them constantly to explaining your decisions and incentives and agendas. But quite often that just makes it - and you - look worse. And quite often their opinion or evaluation of you was never as bad as you worried it was anyway. It's rarely peoples perception of us we end up fighting but our own perception of their perception of us.

So in your position I would focus on the things I CAN control now. Can I work hard and excel in the role I am in now? Can I better myself in any way (qualification, experience, personal) with the free time I have now? Can I focus on looking at job change opportunities here and abroad now? Can I make myself undeniable or indispensable in any way now or get my fingers into near by pies? Can I get after something I am genuinely going to enjoy now?

Also I have noticed in my own career path that I pretty much never have to explain why I left a previous company. You mentioned that as a specific concern of yours. Sometimes I was asked why I was leaving the CURRENT role I was in. But not always. And I was NEVER asked why I left roles before that most recent one.

So do not be too concerned with that or with taking a "salary cut". Find a job that you WANT to do which is worth any money really. Id rather work in a job I loved for 50k that a job I hated for 200k myself. And if you do that for a year or two and then go to change jobs I would doubt they will be asking you why you left a company further back in the past.

So - Get on the path and be big in the little things as well as the big things. Then other stuff such as your well being and your "reputation" will incrementally tend to take care of themselves.

byrne249 · 06-11-2025 02:24PM

In the exact same boat as yourself with one major difference. I am happier and more relaxed than I have ever been.

Joined a new company, after a few years I was moved to a new team, along with a few colleagues from a now failed product. For various reasons I had to leave and handed in my notice.

Of course, I made things harder on myself accepting a management position to stay. I had to hand in notice again not long after which wasn't ideal for anyone involved.

Struggled with everything for 2 months before heading off to Spain and walking a camino. It's a cliche but there's nothing like it to open your mind or more calming. Get away from it all, don't mind what 'society' thinks and stop putting undue pressure on yourself. This is the time to do what whatever you want to do! You'll regret not enjoying this time when you're slogging away next year somewhere else

the_amazing_raisin · 06-11-2025 03:16PM

I'll throw my hat into the ring here

I was recently unemployed for a few months after one job ended and I was looking for another job

Likewise I was lucky enough that I could keep going for a while on the dole so there wasn't an immediate pressure to find a job

Despite that, it was deeply frustrating and frankly a demeaning experience. Getting a constant string of rejections from companies is never good for self esteem

There's a bit of a view that quitting a job after a few months is a red flag on a CV. I would personally say that it's only really a cause for concern if there's a pattern of moving roles a lot. Your CV will show that you were in the same company for 8 years before that so not exactly a pattern there

As for explaining why you left, simply don't volunteer anything unless asked. If you are asked, just give something generic like the role wasn't going in the direction you'd hoped so you decided to take a break and do some career development

If it's possible to do some training or personal development in your free time this would help indicate to prospective employers that you're committed and gives you a handy topic to pivot onto

HOWEVER, before doing all of that I'd really recommend taking some time to make sure you're in a good place mentally. I don't think a week was nearly enough time to recover from an incident like that

Adding more stress on top is not going to do you any favours

It might sounds drastic but it's probably worth speaking to a therapist about it. If you have health insurance they might have some partner program

Worst (or best) case scenario, you get to moan at someone who is paid to listen for a bit before they tell you you're fine and to f**k off

Anyway, best of luck on the job hunt and as lame as it sounds, try to stay positive. Take some time each day to have some fun and give yourself something to smile about while getting away from the grind of job seeking

Airyfairy12 · 09-11-2025 07:58PM

It sounds really stressful and that seems to be the norm with corporate jobs in companies that value money, profit and getting ahead above employees, ive some friends who work in that area and anyone of them could have written what you did about their jobs and the toxic management and work environments, the money is better than you'll get in any public sector job by a long shot but is it worth it? The people you've been working for arent human, they're more like money obsessed androids and will stand on anyone to get ahead, theyre more likely to be narcissistic and psychopathic. You have money & your own home, youre reasonably stable , what would happen if you took a role that offers less than what you had been earning? for a nicer work environment, youre probably going to have to make some sacrifice's and take a cut to your pay! Part of the reason the higher earning staff are under so much stress is because theyre closer to the managers & become the punching bags & scape goats. You can either work your way up to a management position and then have to deal with the stress that makes them lash out on employees, stay in similar roles and be the whipping boy or work somewhere a bit more human. In an ideal world you would find a company run by brilliant, kind and compassionate managers who have a healthy lifestyle outside of work, youd have a wonderful work/life balance and earn 6 figures a year but how realistic is that? youve about 1 in a million chances. Id bet my life on it that the toxic people youve worked with in these jobs have personal lives that are in tatters, they cant maintain their own personal lives and expect you to be the same, the company is their life.

NiceFella · 09-11-2025 10:01PM

Take a break and don't catastrophise. Your lucky to be alive after all. You should be extremely grateful for that fact every day.

As for reputation, it's all bigger in your head than in reality. You only quit a job, and if you are decent in your area which you should believe you are then you shouldn't have an issue getting something else.

Personally, you left your last job for a reason (perhaps solely due to money) but going back to them was like raising a white flag of surrender. And I can understand it. But it shows a lack of confidence and research into the position on your part in the new role. Personally, I would have just looked at other opportunities rather than going back to the old job.

chrisd2019 · 09-11-2025 10:23PM

You say no financial pressure. try the lower paid job, yu van always move on. Am not expert but seems to me you need to come to terms with the recent accident.

Purple Mountain · 14-11-2025 01:18PM

As someone who stayed in a toxic work environment for far too long, you need to acknowledge the courage it took to walk away. Imagine the implications now on your health and well being if you were still there.

As for people talking about you leaving.

Trust me if so many people are leaving that company, the word will be out there in the industry as to why good staff are going.

So I'd reframe my thinking that yes people are probably talking but sympathising with all those who endure such a work place.

Link in with your old boss. Not as another attempt to go back, you know that ship has sailed. Tell them you are just looking for someone to get guidance from. Be honest as to why you left the most recent job. They'll know from the rumour mill anyway.

Step away from work for a while.

Go away and clear your head. And as someone else mentioned, seek out someone to talk to about your accident.

Stuck after painful year

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