Need to start somewhere.

Hey all

I thought I would post this as I am coming to a point in life where I feel it is either i start to make improvements or things will continue to be bad for me. I am not sure how long this post will be but want to get some things down in black and white.

I am 38 years of age now and I think I am finally coming to the full realisation that something just isn't right with my outlook or mind maybe. I am the type of person that always seems to make things tough on myself , by that I mean making the wrong choice on many occasions which has probably lead to lost opportunities in both relationships and professionally.

It has been a slow burner but i think bad behaviour's on my part (current and down the years) are finally all coming home to roost. Currently I find i lack motivation to do standard things or defer them until they absolutely must be done, when deferring them I spend the time in what are vices or addictions (eating badly, pornography and spending time in the bookies). Something as simple as getting a haircut today i am deferring to tomorrow, I have a day off work and the house needs to be cleaned desperately , I actually cant cite a reason outside of lack of motivation.

I have somewhat isolated my self from longtime friends and avoid social occasions when I can, I am currently single so isolating from people is probably not the best move in the long term.

I have been thinking that things need to change in someway for a long time but I just have been repeating the same habit of doing everything but actually doing the thing that needs to be done. Need to clean the house? I will spend an hour in the bookies instead. Need to food shop? i will get a takeaway.

Work seems to be the one place where i get on ok with other people and seem to be conformable with colleagues chatting and there is a really good atmosphere mostly. I am actually quite an outgoing person who can make people laugh with my somewhat unusual and sometimes embellished stories, generally i think I am a likeable person as people invite me to things , nights out etc but i feel i am really doing myself a disservice by avoiding all that.

I guess what has kind of focussed my mind is i randomly saw an old flame the other day who for some reason I think about waayyy to much , like she will pop into my head and I will replay scenarios etc. She is eight years in the past now and funny thing is it was a 6 month thing that came soon after a long term relationship and i think of her more than the long term one. Even yesterday my heart raced as she was glowing as usual and actually way out of my league.

I had read about how Trauma can come out in later years but kind of brushed it off as something that wouldn't affect me, I didn't have a bad childhood but my parents fought , split up and there was alcohol involved with both being in treatment centres at one stage or another. Also before my own memory i had a burning incident (no scars thankfully) , I'm not sure if it can be trauma if i don't recollect. I have been in a bad car crash with serious consequences. Also relationships with the opposite sex have had bad outcomes, looking back I can recognise I played my part in that mainly through my heavy drinking (fully sober now). Given that I have always felt somewhat uncomfortable with myself for along time I'm starting to feel maybe there is something in this

I feel that for many years I have been somewhat confused/mixed up in how to coordinate my life and always just run away from it to a comfortable thing but nothing gets solved, no progress no improvement really. I guess my life/mind is chaotic and this is an inward thing as my professional life is ok somehow and I actually got promoted, I am happy with my salary etc. My mind just seems not to be able to make any start on organising or rationalising a way to start taking positive steps for things i do want.

If you go to the end thanks and apologies for my incoherence. I want to use this as a demarcation for me to start taking some steps to making things better or trying to figure out what the issues are.