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I want kids but am too scared to have any in case they are high needs and I end up resenting them

  • 11-06-2025 10:55AM
    #1
    fencesitter
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1 ✭


    I'm 26, always assumed I'd have kids in my early 30s. As 30 get closer, I'm scared. I have a cousin diagnosed with "mild" autism and both my mom and I suspect my adult brother also has it, albeit very mild. My partner has one uncle and one brother with it (again, all very mild cases). No other family history on either sides, everyone else appears neurotypical. Each of these neurodivergent people mentioned were born when parents were 35+ and were last child- it seems to be a trend. I know I would happily take on a child if they were more severe than any I mentioned here. However, my fear is that having ASD relatives on both sides (even though mild for each), will be enough to multiple the severity. I like my life. I love my partner. I don't want to risk giving up my life to be a full time carer. I don't want to be in my 70s caring 24/7 for a middle aged child. I don't want to give up my life in my 30s when I have the choice not to. More importantly, it would be very cruel for the child, what quality of life would they have really? I'm also scared of having an aggressive kid. My college ex had a younger brother who was 6ft2 and violent. He would hurt his family. Never harmed me, but would scream obscenities at me, I was really scared of him and would lock myself in my ex's bedroom if his parents were out and ex had to run to grab something from shop. He's in college now but still very scary. I couldn't deal with that.

    My partner wants kids and doesn't seem scared like I do. He told me the odds of having a kid with ASD are low anyway, given most of family are neurotypical on both sides, and even if they are, they are more likely to be mild or moderate and manageable like our relatives. He doesn't think it's reason enough to not have kids if I want them. But when I picture kids, I just picture normal struggle, like a difficult 3/4 years where I have no life outside of being a parent, but life starts getting easier once they are 5/6 and I can start taking them to the beach or on holidays to Spain or whatever. I don't picture quitting my job, my relationship falling apart, never getting to leave the house again. My partner is almost certain he wants them anyway but has said he won't leave me as he thinks it's possible I'll change my mind in the next 5 years. He doesn't see the point in giving up 5 years of happiness on the 5% chance I stay firmly against having kids AND he decides kids mean enough to give me up and start over. I have depression (comes and goes thankfully, not a constant) and an anxiety disorder and it's all very possible I'm just spiraling as of late. Any advice?



Comments

  • #2
    89897
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 368 ✭✭89897


    Firstly its perfectly fine to not want kids for any reason, in the same breath its perfectly fine to want kids but this is where you two need to make a decision. Waiting 5 years to potentienally change each others minds is what will case resentment and hurt. You both need to discuss this and make a decision on if the relationship is compatable or not.

    You can have children with additional needs at any time and in any situation, if you circumstances are particular then thats something only a medical professional can advise on.

    Personally id feel that havings kids, resenting them and your partner is much much worse than having the discussion and making a difficult choice now. You are still young and have alot ahead of you.



  • #3
    MarkR
    Moderators, Regional Midwest Moderators Posts: 11,301 Mod ✭✭✭✭MarkR


    I've a child with additional needs. I'll get that out there first. Can be hard, but I don't regret it.

    You worry about additional needs from something they're born with. Not to scare you, but life doesn't always work out the way you want it, and there are no guarantees. Your partner could slip in the shower tomorrow and break their neck. Your future child could be a sports star and top of their class, but wind up in prison. If you worry about the ifs, you won't be able to actually do anything.



  • #4
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,133 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    It's completely understandable to worry about these massive what ifs but by the same token, they are what ifs. There's no right answer because you can't know how any of this will pan out before it happens.

    You could have a perfectly healthy child who grows up normally only suffers a life changing injury in their 20s, meaning you become their carer at that stage.

    No one knows what will happen in any eventuality. You can only make decisions based on what you do know now. Everything in life is a gamble to some degree.



  • #5
    charlessmith22
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 53 ✭✭charlessmith22


    You've paragraphs of fairly statistically improbable worries about your future child and then one or two sentences at the end about something that would impact and harm them far more. Mild autism would be far preferable than being irrationally petrified of the world.

    OP nobody would get out of bed in the morning if they catastrophised every possible worst outcome in life. Its no way to live and you really need to get a handle on your anxiety as it does seem like you are spiralling.

    Also neither you or your mam are qualified to diagnose your brother. Everyones an amatuer psychologist these days and obsessed with these often reductive diagnosis. You seem to have gone down this rabbit hole yourself.



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