Partner’s family helped his brother with a house, but not us—I'm struggling to reconcile this

True but at the moment it just looks like they favour one child over the other and that's not good. Without explanation from the parents the relationship will naturally detiorate. Most families would discuss issues like this to avoid friction.

I think the majority of people would be annoyed if they were in this situation despite the advice they are giving here!

I just wonder if the parents are worried about what would happen if they gave money to the other son and later that couple separated.

They may also intend leaving their own house to them.

I don't think anyone is saying that the OP doesn't have a right to be majorly annoyed and upset.

I also don't think anyone is saying they wouldn't be furious if it happened to them.

However what needs to be acknowledged is ranting and raving is not going to change the situation. Some parents are just sh*tty parents. Some parents completely favour one child over the other. These type of people are never going to give you an explanation of why. As was proven in this case when the parents refused to enter into a meaningful conversation.

The OP is not going to go to the parents saying they started a thread on boards and this is the outcome and everyone thinks they are owed an explanation,so therefore give us an explanation and the parents contritely agree.

The OP has no control over the parents. They have control over how they react though. So for their own mental health they need to make peace with it. Yes it is absolutely sh*tty and unfair, yes they are justified to be annoyed and hurt.

For me I'm a firm believer in giving benefit of the doubt, if something can be taken two ways I will try to take it the nice way, unless there's a pattern. However, I'm also a firm believer in if someone tells you who they are believe them. The parents have shown themselves to be sh*tty people....up to the OP to navigate future relationship with them. Personally I just go low contact, no need to be rude, just don't be available. Make peace with the fact that the parents will not help them financially and likely emotionally in the future. It makes life easier when you know who you can and cannot rely on.

However, the OP also needs to respect that the fiance will want to continue a relationship with their parents.

As I said if they gave a good explanation it would be ok imo.

Its a huge disrespect not to discuss the reasons with the op and that's why if it was me I would cut ties

Would you ok in this circumstances your mother gave you no explanation.

The reasoning why is the issue here not the money

Then the mother can expect to be treated differently in return.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh but the reality is you and your partner bought this 4 bedroom house and the funds are tight. If you didn’t know of his parents helping his brother, your situation would be the exact same, so from that perspective nothing has changed with regards to your own situation. Yeah it’s discouraging his brother gets a house but that doesn’t change your situation, and I think that’s what you need to focus on. I can fully understand why you might feel like you do, a lot would feel the same way and you can ask the questions or try get answers or clarity but it has no impact on your house and financial situation.

I don't think it's about their situation.

It's about being treated different, double standards by the parents. Yes the parents can do what they want, but it's going to have a repercussions. No likes to see their partner treated less favourably by their in laws. That will fester.

This is not about giving one child a football and another one whistle. Or bringing one child to a concert and another one to football match.

Imagine you gave one child nothing for birthday and the other 20 gifts. Is that about the money for the child? Then not explaining why, but in fact throwing it in their face.

I understand that but the OP also stated how they’re struggling and foraging for some food etc too, which they would still be, irrelevant of the brother getting a free house… My personal opinion is I actually agree I think it’s very poor form if they did buy one son a house and will cause a big split and animosity (unless there’s reasons we don’t know of), but that’s out of their control. If they approach the parents and confront them, they’re hardly going to turn around and say ok here you go here’s 400k pay off your house too. There’s no legal recourse for them to say you bought him a house you need to buy us a house, and getting answers won’t solve the issue at hand but I do agree if I was in that situation I’d like to know what’s going on. So the reality of the situation is they need to live with this, and figure out a way that it doesn’t fester away at them (easier said than done by the sounds of things) and affect their wellbeing and instead work on the life they have, home they have etc.

Hello. I'm the fiancee. We pay the mortgage equally. We're paying it an an aggressive rate to get the bank off our backs sooner rather than later. I had no idea my parents could afford what they gifted to my brother and was blindsided by it. I don't appreciate some of the comments in this thread and wonder if it's sad parties engaging in schadenfreude. All the best.