Partner’s family helped his brother with a house, but not us—I'm struggling to reconcile this

Crakepottle? · 25-04-2025 01:10PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388182#Comment_123388182

This is probably where the answer lies. The parents have known the two boys since they were born. They may be aware of a vulnerability in your partners brother. There may be a backstory which they do not feel ready to share. There may be simply a gut feeling that this person needs to be protected in some way. In any event, you would be wise to forget about the matter. Speculation is not helpful and if you and your partner continue to dwell on it your own happiness will suffer.

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 01:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388308#Comment_123388308

Thank you so much for your reply and advice. I totally understand where you’re coming from about not dwelling on it. We’ve been trying to move forward, but it’s been hard when we’ve worked so hard to get where we are, only to feel like others have had a much easier time of it. But I know that life isn’t always fair, and the key is focusing on what we can control and pushing ahead.

As for social media, I actually stopped using it a few years ago, which has been a huge relief. It’s kept me from constantly comparing our situation to others, and honestly, it’s been better for my peace of mind.

You’re right about the job situation, too. My fiancé has been feeling really stuck in his current job, so he’s been considering going back to college to get another degree and change career paths. We know it’s a bit of a gamble, but he’s passionate about it and is hoping it will open up better opportunities. With the job market being strong right now, we’re optimistic that the right move will eventually come along.

Thanks again for your perspective—it’s really helping me see things more clearly and stay hopeful for what’s ahead.

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 01:14PM

Thanks for your reply. I see what you mean about focusing on what we can do. We’ve thought about renting out a room, but my fiancé isn’t comfortable with it as it would take away from our privacy. It’s something we might need to reconsider if things get tougher.

As for his dream of becoming an artist, I agree—we can’t afford to take that risk right now. He’s stuck in a low-paying job, and we know we’ll need a more stable financial base before he can pursue that.

Regarding my parents, they’re in another country, and unfortunately, they’re not in a position to help.

Thanks again for your perspective—it’s really helping me think more clearly.

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 01:17PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388277#Comment_123388277

Thanks for your response. I completely agree that life isn’t always fair, and while it’s tough to see the disparity between siblings, I know it’s something we can’t change. Dwelling on it won’t help us move forward.

We’re focusing on our own plans now. My fiancé has thought about asking his parents for help, but he’s hesitant because they don’t like discussing finances. If they refuse to offer support, we’ll just have to move forward with our own plan, no matter what.

Thanks again for your perspective—it’s really helping me stay focused on what we can control.

LambshankRedemption · 25-04-2025 01:28PM

You’re right about the job situation, too. My fiancé has been feeling really stuck in his current job, so he’s been considering going back to college to get another degree and change career paths. We know it’s a bit of a gamble, but he’s passionate about it and is hoping it will open up better opportunities. With the job market being strong right now, we’re optimistic that the right move will eventually come along.

I will tell you what I told a friend who thought getting a Masters would improve their chances of getting a better job. Don't do it. It will be another financial burden and he will still be in the same low paid unsatisfying job for the duration of whatever course while having no spare time. Or by going back to college does he mean to give up his job meaning there will be even less money coming in while having the same financial commitments plus costs for the degree.

"Another degree"? So he has one already? If so, he needs to change his approach to job hunting.

I have some friends who went back to college but it was mostly when the mortgage was partly paid off and their combined salaries had made them comfortable financially. Doing it in the hope of getting a better job further down the line when you are already struggling financially is a recipe for disaster.

noodler · 25-04-2025 01:31PM

Never want to seem rude but it's not really any of your business imo.

I know for a fact that I have siblings that will be more in need of support than me and I won't begrudge that of and when the time comes, I certainly wouldn't in respect of my partner's family.

Ivor_Guddon · 25-04-2025 01:43PM

maybe sell up and split up if he is gonna be an artist drawing the dole

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 01:47PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388372#Comment_123388372

Thanks for your reply. I’ve checked the details on Property.ie, so I know the house was bought for €550,000. While it’s not a huge house, the location is in a very affluent area, which explains the price. I don’t think they’re exaggerating, as my fiancé’s parents are very humble people who’ve always worked hard for what they have. When they were younger, both had very decent jobs and worked incredibly hard.

That being said, whether or not we fully understand how they managed the purchase, the reality is we can’t rely on them for support. We’re focusing on moving forward with our own plans and making the best decisions for our future. My fiancé is working on improving his situation, and we’re committed to finding our own way forward.

Thanks again for your perspective—it’s helping me stay grounded and focused on what we can control.

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 01:55PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388635#Comment_123388635

Thanks for your reply. I understand what you’re saying, and I know it’s their money to do with as they please. I’m not trying to control their decisions, but the disparity has been hard to process, especially considering the sacrifices we’ve made to afford our home.

As for Dublin, I’m not saying it’s impossible to find a home for under €400k, but we looked at what was available at the time and found that moving outside the city was our best option for getting something decent within our budget. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the reality we were facing.

I’m not interested in dating anyone else—I’m just trying to process my feelings and figure out how to move forward. Thanks for your perspective, though—it’s helping me gain clarity.

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 01:58PM

Thanks for your reply. I understand your point, and I agree that it’s not my place to dictate how my partner’s family handles their finances. It’s more about how the situation feels emotionally. The contrast in how things are managed has been tough to process, especially when it feels like we're doing everything we can, and yet, there’s a significant difference in the way things have turned out.

As for his brother, he’s chosen not to work because he doesn’t believe in money—not because he’s incapable. He’s actually very healthy and lives a very active life. He has simply chosen a different lifestyle, which I respect, but it still stings to see the difference in how our paths are supported.

That said, I’m focusing on moving forward now, and I’m not dwelling on the past. We’re figuring out how to build our future and make the most of our situation. Thanks again for sharing your perspective—it’s helping me process everything more clearly.

Exiled Rebel · 25-04-2025 02:04PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388701#Comment_123388701

So the brother still doesn't work? He has a large tax bill coming his way. Depending on his circumstances at the time he may have to sell to pay revenue.

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 02:12PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388727#Comment_123388727

He actually started working right after he got the house for free, but it could just be a coincidence. I’m not sure if the two are directly related, but it’s definitely an interesting timing!

Exiled Rebel · 25-04-2025 02:22PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388758#Comment_123388758

Ah ok, I must have misread your previous post.

However, a large tax bill becomes due when ownership of the home is transferred. Seeing as he hadn't a job prior to the purchase the chances are he didn't or doesn't have a significant savings pot to pay the tax bill. Ergo, I have a strong suspicion ownership of the house is still with the parents. If he is living rent free then this will be factored into the tax bill making it even larger when the time comes to transfer ownership i.e. upon their deaths or beforehand.

I'm saying the above to provide you with some solace that the care free life the brother appears to be living comes with a cost.

Princess Calla · 25-04-2025 02:25PM

For your own sanity you need to let it go (easier said than done)

However, when you were buying the house you knew all the pros and cons (distance to everything, commute etc) you still went ahead with the purchase as it was, I assume, the best option with the information you knew at the time.

This really hasn't changed.

How your in laws spend their money is their own business...... regardless of how unfair it is. There's no obligation on the parents to explain their choices and you may never get an explanation. There's also no obligation to leave your fiance anything in their will. Obviously not a nice thing to do.

However you need to draw a line under it..... would it have been nice to buy you a house or put down a deposit, especially somewhere closer and more convenient.....yes of course it would be, but unfortunately it didn't happen and no amount of asking why is going to change that.

Would you have suspected that they had this amount of spare cash to be able to afford the new house.... could it be possible the brother has a lotto win or something and it was agreed they'd say they bought the house rather than people going to the brother for a cut of the winnings? Again you may never know and harshly it's none of your business.

Now the artist thing......let him dedicate a room as a studio....let him work on his "art" at weekends etc and build a portfolio....I know people who sell through Instagram or local markets/exhibitions.

Make an agreement to see how that goes ...if his art sells, then maybe agree to him working part-time and studio the rest .....it has to be gradual once he has a client base then maybe go full time....but definitely needs to prove it a viable option.....spend the summer getting ready for the Christmas market and see how that goes.

Kangarooknowsme · 25-04-2025 02:34PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388793#Comment_123388793

From what I understand, his parents did consult a solicitor and tax advisor when setting everything up. The first €400k falls under the tax-free inheritance threshold, and the remaining €150k was structured as a loan. They didn’t mention the small gift exemption specifically, but I know he’s receiving €6k a year from each parent, so I imagine that could be going toward the repayment—or maybe it’s just extra support. It’s hard to say.

What I do wonder about is how strict these family loan agreements actually are. With a mortgage, there’s accountability and consequences if you miss a payment. But in this case, I don’t know if there's a formal repayment schedule or if it’s more symbolic. If he doesn’t repay it on time—or at all—what happens?

It all seems to be above board legally, but emotionally it’s been really difficult seeing such structured, generous support on one side while we’re managing everything on our own without even a conversation about help.

I really appreciate everyone’s perspectives—it’s helping me think through things more clearly, even if it’s still hard to accept.

NiceFella · 25-04-2025 03:02PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388217#Comment_123388217

I know, what kind of parent would just casually admit they bought a house outright for one child and then pretend like it's nothing to another child. Lol it sounds absolutely ludicrous.

OP, The quote "life without it's problems isn't life". This brother with a free life will not be able to relate to anyone with that sort of privilege. Having everything handed and bought for you teaches you nothing. So in a sense you are actually the lucky one who has an interesting life ahead. That brother can sit on his ass on the dole for the rest of his days if he likes and there isn't anything great about that.

mrslancaster · 25-04-2025 03:06PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388831#Comment_123388831

What exactly is the issue here? You and your partner bought your own home, you are both healthy, employed, planning to get married and making a life together. Things are tight financially for most people at the start but you could do rent-a-room for a year or two until that eases up a bit.

So you didn’t get a financial leg-up from your in-laws and your brother-in-law did, that’s too bad. Nothing you can do about it, your in-laws are free to do whatever they like with their money. Whether they gave the brother a gift or a loan is none of your business.

It sounds like you are quite bitter that they didn’t hand over a wedge of cash to you and your partner. Maybe his parents have their own reasons, maybe they’re old fashioned or traditional and will give you a gift if you get married, or have a child, or maybe never. Get on with your own life and forget about your partner’s brother, jealousy and begrudgery will just mess with your head.

SimpleDimple · 25-04-2025 03:06PM

Did the brother pay capital acquisition tax on this gift of a house?

If it helps you don't know what kind of conditions came with this, it could be that that was his inheritance, and any other assets they have will transfer to your partner when they pass on.

xyz13 · 25-04-2025 03:07PM

Why not ask your family for help?!

Deeec · 25-04-2025 03:13PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123388935#Comment_123388935

Well yes what kind of parent would say that as a joke. Equally what sort of parent helps one child financially and ignores their other child?

Im baffled why people can't sympathise with the op and their partner - they have been left wondering why and have been given no answers.

By the sounds of it the parents are wealthy. Why won't they help the ops partner out and give them a good leg up too?

FionnB · 25-04-2025 03:20PM

I bought a house with a friend a long time ago, split 50/50. Her parents heavily subsidised her so it cost me personally an awful lot more than it cost her, which was somewhat annoying. That was not the only area in which they heavily subsidised her. I didn't get a penny from anyone, and did not expect to. She was absolutely useless with finances and when the parents were no longer around, we constantly heard about how broke she was, how much debt she she was in, etc. etc. So they really did not do her any favours.

Flinty997 · 25-04-2025 03:30PM

Live your own life.

Parents don't always treat their kids equally, and life isn't fair. It's also the parents money they can do what they like with it.

That said you have no obligations to help the parents if they didn't help you when you needed it. That time will come.

Electric Sheep · 25-04-2025 03:57PM

On a practical level, your partner needs to figure out how to maximise his income, rather than playing the "I want to be a starving artist while my wife supports me" card.

Cupra280 · 25-04-2025 04:08PM

Somebody posted earlier:

"Parents don't just randomly choose a child and only help them. They obviously have some sort of reasoning for why they have acted in this way. They may be good reasons, they may be bad reasons, but there are reasons."

This should really start with the word "Most".

Some parents do. OP as others have said, please try not to dwell to much on the fact. You and your fiancé have worked hard to get were you are. Okay, it sounds like it was tough, but you definitely gained from the experience. You know how resilient you can be.

HildaOgdenx · 25-04-2025 04:21PM

Mod - Some posts deleted. Throwaway, uncivil and supposedly funny comments have no place here.

As per the PI Charter:

- Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased.

- Remember you are speaking to a real person who has posted a problem that is impacting them.

If you are unfamiliar with the charter, read it before posting.

beachhead · 25-04-2025 05:25PM

Has the brother been a freeloader all his life and/or struggling with issues?

Is your partner adopted? One explanation for the parent's action.

One poster mentioned a tax demand for that size of a gift-will be a shock to the parents and sibling.

SteM · 25-04-2025 05:58PM

OP, you're too involved in someone else's life. You know how the gift was structured, you know how much the parents give him every year, you went on a property website to see how much the place was bought for.

Step back and live your own life for the sake of your own sanity. Every issue you have mentioned with your house and lifestyle was there before you knew that someone else had been given a place, start to fix everything in your power and forget about everything else.

mykrodot · 25-04-2025 07:16PM

OP you sound like a very decent, educated and understanding person. I have no opinion on what has happened as family dynamics are often complicated. I would be very wary of your fiancee stopping work to become an artist, it is a very hard career to make a regular sustainable income in. Most people who are artists and actors find it harder to get a mortgage for this reason.

Remember "comparison is the thief of joy". I often remind myself of this when I am feeling hard done by, or envious of the success of others . Just try and live your life but do also try and sort out with your partner what you want to do achieve as a couple. If you have a baby and are on maternity leave how will you pay the bills if your partner is an artist? Will you ever have the option of working part time if you have a few kids? These are important questions.

Finally if you paid 400K for a house which is 70km from the city it must be pretty big. I am in a 3 bed semi in a rural area and it cost 250K 2 years ago. So your house may be big enough to avail of the "rent a room scheme" without it becoming too intrusive to your life? If your partner wants to quit work to become an artist this will probably be a necessity! Good luck with everything.

New Scottman · 25-04-2025 08:21PM

My parents said that they both help my brother and me out with houses.

My brother is older and wanted to buy long before I did.

My parents could have given him the full purchase price but if they did, there would have been nothing left for me.

So they gave him half.

I bought a house for roughly the same amount as him (different part of Dublin but a few years later). They gave the exact same amount to me.

That's the way to do it.

foolhardy · 25-04-2025 08:50PM

If your fiance has such a low paying job you must be on a very good income to buy a house for €400k. Personally, I'd be reconsidering the relationship…..if you're struggling with the burden of financially supporting you both now, how will you manage if you have children. Although tbh your fiance sounds like a child himself.

Partner’s family helped his brother with a house, but not us—I'm struggling to reconcile this

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