To admit defeat or keep trying?

Aileen W · 24-02-2025 01:39AM #1

I am a woman in her 40´s married for 20+ years with children. 1 in their 3rd year of college, 1 in leaving cert and 1 in primary school. My query is as follows. My marriage has been rocky to say for years possibly for all of it. Our last child was unexpected. We have being struggling to get alone for what seems like forever. I have requested a separation but he just laughs. I am in no financial way to move out. I am the one that does the school runs (to and from) . I work 2 part time jobs approx 25 hours in total ) so I am working 7 days a week minimum wage.

I know my mental health is being effected and I am on mediation to assist me but I don´t think I can keep this going.

Escapees · 24-02-2025 02:16AM

The thing that sticks out to me is that you probably need some downtime more than anything just to clearly think about things. Even if you make serious moves to push for a separation, it will be very difficult to go through all the crap that might come with it if you are working and minding the kids all hours.

On the financial side of things, I would think that you are in better shape than you might think if ye (or the bank!) own your own home, given that the youngest is still in primary school and is somewhat protected until they are 18 I think. But if himself doesn't want to move out and a divorce is on the cards, then it can be a nightmare having to keep living with each other in the meantime.

charlessmith22 · 24-02-2025 04:28PM

Make whatever necessary steps you need to be your best self for your youngest child. Its not thier fault they were brought into the world. They'll go through their whole life feeling unwanted and like a burden if you continue along this path. There's some bad statistics surrounding these last born children in families, especially if it's a long gap after the others.

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Warning applied for off topic unhelpful post

Big Bag of Chips · 25-02-2025 02:07PM

Have you any way of improving your work situation? Minimum wage is difficult. 25 hours over 7 days at minimum wage is tough. How old is your youngest child? How far away is school?

There are better paid/prospects part-time jobs out there. The youngest won't be this young forever. They will become less dependent on you.

Could you look into doing an SNA course? That way you would work school hours. You could also look into secretarial roles.

www.educationposts.ie would give you an idea of the number of jobs available in your area.

It's very difficult and I heard someone discussing on the radio the other day the housing crisis and cost of living doesn't just affect young people starting out. It's a problem for people in their 40s and 50s too who might be separating but can't afford to move out.

Is a separation the only option? Is counselling something either of you would consider?

I think if you can get yourself more financially stable you will feel more confident. It won't be a quick fix but it might make things feel a little less daunting. Your older children will be making their own lives soon. This situation will not last forever.

Look into courses that are available in your area. Take care of yourself and take steps to help improve your own situation.

Mr.PauloDelPotato · 25-02-2025 11:39PM

Similar position myself.

20 years with someone but she has lost interest so we live together and don't talk. While it is rubbish it is better than being away from the kids.

foxsake · 26-02-2025 05:30PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/123209947#Comment_123209947

you might think that cos of the situation you are in . but youre a better parent when youre happy . kids feed off the bad vibes no matter how pleasant you are on front of them.

Ive never known a person to step away from a **** relationship with kids that regretted it.

rathbaner · 10-03-2025 05:10PM

Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

To admit defeat or keep trying?

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