Partner is depressed and bringing me down

OP there is a few comments on the thread accusing you of "ultimatums" which I am not understanding where they are coming from either and you should probably pay no heed to.

I think the issue here is that a lot of the posters on the thread are reading how you are talking with us - where you are showing us whats going on in your head and how you are feeling and letting yourself vent - and assuming you have been saying all the same things to him. Because indeed calling him lazy and selfish and worse will ultimately help no one. But you have been clear later in the thread you did no such thing. You're just talking like that here which is fine - to a point - but is still something you can look at internally because that formulation is likely not helpful to you either.

In their defense it is not always 100% clear which is which in your posts. But in your defense it does not sound like you are shouting ultimatums or "lazy" or "selfish" or any of that at him either if one reads your posts close enough. Again though even if you never voice those words out loud to harm him with - the fact you are thinking that way internally is likely to be harming you. And will also foster resentment which ultimately will make things worse for - at the very minimum -you.

That said I am not reading anything in your posts that is coming across as ultimatums - but as statements of fact - even if you were to be telling him "Things have to change or I am gone".

Because if you have been supporting him for years and you are about to break then you have to tell him this. He has a right to know. Telling him this is not an "ultimatum" as posters here are painting it. It is merely stating the facts that:

• A) You are near breaking point
• B) your kids are the most important thing no matter what
• C) therefore things have to change before you break or you have to get out of this situation because if you break your kids are the ones who will ultimately suffer most. You simply cant afford to break.

This is not an ultimatum as such. It's a clear statement of the current situation. So if you do suddenly have to get out - this is not going to come as a huge shock and surprise from left field to him. Staying quiet and saying nothing - and then suddenly either leaving or breaking - that's certainly not what this guy needs compared to being told the reality of the situation now.

Finally - another piece of information none of us here reading your posts have - mainly because you yourself do not really have it yet either - is whether this guy is suffering from medical depression which is essentially a disease - or if he is an emotional depression slump and rut caused by having poured all hopes, dreams, an energy into a project that failed.

The two are not the same and the approach to either is not the same either. For the former medical and professional intervention may be all that will work. For the latter change does indeed often have to come from within. Though medical help can help there too and it sounds like you have taken that first step already and gotten a prescription. So let's see what the counseling reveals too!

But like with many problems and many diseases - diagnosing the cause is key because many problems look identical but their causes - and hence their cures - can be markedly different. Even a doctor who gets a patient with a cough could be dealing with a bacterial infection, a viral infection, an environmental factor, an irritant, or an allergy for example. The cough may look the same in all 5 cases. The treatment for each varies wildly.

It's the same with depression.

I myself was in the worst depths of depression for many years but thankfully not the medical kind where my dopamine system was simply broken. It was the mental kind of self hatred, self doubt, anxiety and more. I got myself out of it in the end. Slowly and incrementally. And it was an awful struggle. And if I do not stay on top of it now even 20 years later - the demons I have pushed down can start to arise and come back. They likely never will be gone and as I age some day I might succumb to them again. Not today. But I think I know how I would start any attempt to support a person in that kind of situation.

OP, don’t feel in any way guilty or responsible here. Your reactions, responses, emotions and feelings are perfectly normal. Your partner is very lucky he has someone so mature, caring and honest in his life.

You mention 'his laziness' and 'his selfishness' gives me the impression there's a good chance he knows you think that of him. Maybe I'm wrong.

Your coming across as quiet defensive with what I and others have suggested. We're not trying to attack you. I completely empathise your suitation. My impression from reading your op was that more of an understanding of depression wouldn't go a-stray.

Using those type of judgemental words is really wrong. I suffer bouts of depression myself - and there are not helpful words to use, they can be quiet hurtful, if the person is aware you think that of them. There certainly are selfish and lazy people out there, some by choice , others who just mentally and physically cannot function in a way to make better decisions, like your husband.

I wish you the best for both you and your family, I really do.

Because that’s what it is. At the moment he IS being lazy and selfish

This is a key point with respect to your ability to help him. You genuinely think he is being lazy and selfish and even though you say you have never said that to him directly, I feel it is very likely that he knows you feel that way about his current behaviour.

This makes it difficult for you to help him. He likely simply doesn't have the resolve to do what is best for him at the moment and a negative energy or mindset isn't helping change that. That doesn't necessarily mean that you are wrong, or that its unreasonable for you to feel that way.

Others have said similar to you and it seems upsetting to hear, and that too is understandable. You need help as well, and support and understanding. What you've committed to doing with respect to making appointments and collecting prescriptions is a good start but unfortunately treating depression is not like healing a broken bone where recovery is pretty clearly defined and is somewhat linear. Recovery from depression can include medication, therapy, diet focus, exercise, support and each to varying degrees at various times. And even with the best intention, recover can still be non-linear with many dips and steps back in the path. What you are hoping for is a general trend upwards that becomes self-sustaining. It absolutely can and does happen. I suffered horrendously with it for years, I took many medications, I received inpatient care for a period, I went to several therapists and thankfully put it behind me. I'm ten years medication free and while I still use therapy, it isn't for active treatment of depression. It's still there, in the background, I'm still aware I have a propensity for it, but its not debilitating in any significant way, as it once was.

So, to answer your question of how do you help a loved one who just won't help themselves… First and foremost you help yourself, you will need to be mentally and physically strong to help them so taking care of that is important. Do you have a friend or family support structure who can lift your load just a little, to give you some breathing space or to allow you to offload in some way? I would think therapy for yourself would help but its not something that is a quick fix and can be difficult to find the right therapist for you so you might not like the idea of it taking a long time to help you, just so you can help him. But I wouldn't rule it out.

You've said that you've told him you'll support him no matter what, but also that he either gets help, or that's it! They're obviously conflicting messages even though both can be true. Maybe tell him that you're really struggling, and you want to help him, but you need help as well and you're hoping he can find a way to help you help him. A big thing which I always found helped me (and it isn't necessarily easy) was positivity. If someone told me "You'll get through this" and I believed them, I didn't care how long it took, I was willing to keep trying. That isn't easy in your position maybe, but also, it's something I'd like to tell you. He absolutely can get through this. It is a challenge, it isn't a clear path, but it can be done. And life can feel sweeter for having been in the depths and come out of it. I hope you hear this and believe it for him, and for yourself.

I'm not depressed but had a major medical trauma and have a great partner. Go with him to the doctor, it's going to affect you both and he'll be back in no time

look after yourself and best of luck