Girlfriend has personal issues - Advice Needed

Anon_Anon · 06-12-2024 03:59PM #1

Hi All,

I’m almost 2 years into a relationship with an amazing woman, however we’re at a major crossroads in our relationship.

To give you some context, my girlfriend is not from Ireland but is living here for quite some time. She’s not a resident but holds a work permit for a job that doesn’t pay well. The first year of our relationship was fantastic; I fell for her pretty quickly and even whisked her away on a 3 week trip to Asia.

However, after 18 months and prior to going away, I started to see a lot of personal issues and personality disorders in her. The relationship appeared to be very confusing for her. She started to become very clingy and needing constant reassurance of my love for her. She would need to sit down quite frequently to have serious talks about our relationship and she would start a lot of arguments. She later confined in me that she was sexually abused by an uncle when she was younger. I offered to help or support her in any way I can. She started therapy but has since stopped.

During holidays, I noticed some serious problems cropping up. She would wake up in a terrible mood with me, claiming I wasn’t showing enough affection. Or she would accuse me of texting other girls and ask me not to use my phone when she’s not looking. She also stopped speaking with me unless I post a picture of the two of us on social media. I haven’t used social media in about 8 years. At times, I was on edge for fear she would cause another argument. I hoped the holiday would be filled with a lot of joy and laughter and that would bring us closer together. However, I get the sense it caused us to drift apart. I understand her issues are very difficult for her, but it still affects our relationship a lot.

Since returning from holidays, the relationship is just not as strong as it once was. Perhaps I’ve also become quite distance as a result. We attempted to go to couples therapy, but the therapist couldn’t work around her shift hours in work. We also clash on some major topics; she wants to get married right away, while I believe we need to work through our issues first. I know that could take years, but she’s not willing to wait that long. I’ll soon be purchasing a house and asked her to move in with me. But she told me, she’ll never move in with me if we’re not married. I can’t imagine getting married without living together first. We also rarely have sex now because she says she no longer wants to act like a married couple. I also belief sex is very intimate for her, so she wants to protect herself in case we break up, which I can understand.

Right now, I’m feeling pretty lost. I know her issues stem from past trauma, and I wouldn’t break up with someone because of that. However, I can’t overlook that these problems are impacting our relationship. The relationship feels like it’s a lot of hard work. I’m interested to her other people’s view on this.

I see sheep · 06-12-2024 04:02PM

Don't get married to her anyway!

Unless things things dramatically improve I mean.

Idle Passerby · 06-12-2024 04:18PM

This is going nowhere, cut your losses. The relationship is too young and too consistently red flaggy to bother with couples therapy or trying to fix it. It never worked. You can keep trying to squash a square peg into a round hole or just admit, this was never going to work and move on.

Dial Hard · 06-12-2024 04:25PM

Have you posted about this before? It all sounds very familiar.

Anyway, there are two separate issues here, imo. Trauma from sexual abuse is, obviously, hugely damaging and she probably needs specialised therapy for this alone - not couples' counselling. That's a journey she needs to go on regardless of what happens with your relationship, which is, of course, not to say that you can't or shouldn't support her through it. But if you guys broke up tomorrow - or had never met in the first place - it's still a process she needs to go through, imo.

The other, separate issue is that - imo - there are clearly deep cultural differences between how you both approach and view relationships, lifestyle and probably gender roles too. What many Irish people would see as controlling or jealous behaviour - accusing you of texting other women, telling you not to use your phone etc. - are very likely the norm in her culture. That's not to excuse the behaviour or tell you to accept it, btw. Only you can decide what is and isn't acceptable for you. Fwiw, though, I do feel your gut is sending you massive signals here, and I think you should listen to them.

Basically, I think the honeymoon period for this relationship has finally ended and you're asking yourself some serious questions about the long-term implications of staying in it. Which is the absolutely right thing to do, btw. It's ok to say to yourself "D'know what? I got a bit swept away by the excitement and the intensity and the (perhaps) novelty of all this, but long term, I'm not sure how compatible I am with this woman".

There are also just downright practical matters to consider - if you stay together and she decides at some point that she wants to move home, what happens there? Does she come from a culture where it's the norm to support parents financially as they get older? If so, can you afford to do that? And myriad other questions that probably didn't occur to you while you were caught up in the whirlwind of the initial romance.

You have a lot of thinking to do, OP, but I echo what the above poster said - do not get married until you have all this figured out.

Witcher · 06-12-2024 04:32PM

Get rid, you should have got rid as soon as she said to stop using her phone without you etc.

Jim_Hodge · 06-12-2024 04:36PM

Really nothing more to add. Do not marry with things as they stand. I honestly think it's going nowhere and you should seriously consider cutting your losses before it's even harder to do so.

thefa · 07-12-2024 04:09AM

You seem like a good natured person and a supportive partner. No doubt she had had trauma in her life but part of me thinks she may be taking advantage of your nature.

I don’t think there’s going to be any quick fix that’s going to alleviate all of her problems. Agreeing to a quick marriage basically shows you accept this behavior and could prove a costly mistake.

I wouldn’t be staying with someone who seems quite controlling, nor mind considering marriage.

Ozymandius2011 · 07-12-2024 04:32AM

Perhaps her insecurity is because of problems in past relationships that she may fear could happen again?

Hannibal_Smith · 07-12-2024 10:12AM

All of her behaviour can't be excused by blaming it on her past trauma. She is an adult at the end of the day and there is no pass for anyone to behave anyway they want. Yes, her past was traumatic, no doubt about that and of course it will be impacting her, but as I say its not acceptable to treat anyone else poorly because of it. You are not bound to her. If the relationship is not working for you, you are not obligated to stay in it because of her past.

All of that said, when something like that happens to you there is a part of your thinking that changes. It's not an insecurity but a concern as a result of the experience especially when its a family member, that all people are after is sex and they're just using you to get it and it brings into doubt whether the connection is genuine. And that could be the actual reason behind why she doesn't want to have sex. In her mind maybe she thinks she's dealt with it all so well and she doesn't realise the connection.

Maybe her behaviour is down to her past, maybe its always been part of who she is- thats something she has to figure out, ideally with the help of a counsellor. If she's not willing to figure it out, you have to decide if the relationship is for you.

halkar · 07-12-2024 11:14AM

Apart from trauma she has this can be more of cultural differences. Not sure which country but since you said you went asia i assume she may be asian. If not you can ignore my post. 🙂 What you describe is a typical Asian women behavior. Maybe not all but probably most. It's not her fault. She could be under pressure from her family to get married as relationship without marriage not easily tolerated as we do here. They don't easily trust anyone, feel insecure and develope jealousy easily. It can get worse after you marry because you won't be just marrying her. More likely you will marry to all her family and you can become a Atm machine. This is my opinion based on my experiences. Walk away or work on your relationship but do not marry anytime soon.

YellowLead · 07-12-2024 05:32PM

Stick to your guns and do not agree to marriage while things remain as they are. So many times people think things will be better once they agree to get married, but often they become worse and suddenly you’re looking at losing your home and not seeing your kids should any appear.

As mentioned here already, she is an adult. Her past trauma is awful of course but she can’t use it as an excuse for a free pass. She needs to deal with it. If she respected you and loved you rather than wanting a savior to give her citizenship and a home, she’d absolutely agree to work things out first and she’d recognise the impact her bossy/clingy behaviour is having on you and she’d want to make things better. She just wants you to give in and for you to endure a life of walking on eggshells because you’ll have to do what she wants as soon as that marriage ring is on her finger. It’s easier to have you dance to her tune than sort her head out.
Have a serious chat with her, for her own good as well as yours. You don’t have to accept this.

Ash.J.Williams · 07-12-2024 05:47PM

Run

Ardent · 08-12-2024 04:41AM

A mile.

Anon_Anon · 08-12-2024 12:57PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122929678#Comment_122929678

Thank you. No I've never posted about this before.

I must also admit that when we were less than a year into the relationship, she searched my phone behind my back and seen that I replied to a text from an ex. I briefly went out with a girl years ago but she was also foreign and went back home shortly after our fling. We still occasionally kept in touch as friends. She sent me a message saying she was travelling Europe and asked if we could meet up. I told her I was in a relationship but agreed to meet as friends. My current girlfriend seen the message and told me not to text her again. And if I did, she would break up with me. I completely broke off all contact with the ex without explanation. My girlfriend continues to bring up this incident on every argument.

For added context, my girlfriend's ex cheated on her and left her for another women.

I've since changed my password to my phone but every time I read or write a WhatsApp, I can see her glancing over my shoulder to read my messages. It just feels very invasive.

Anon_Anon · 08-12-2024 01:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122932560#Comment_122932560

It does. She was in a relationship for 7 years that ended. She was in another relationship for 2 years in which her ex cheated on her and left her for another women. She also previously lived with an ex, I'm not sure which one.

She told me that she'll never again live with someone unless they get married first. I believe it was too hurtful for her.

But she was always rushing the relationship instead of letting it develop organically. When dating at the start, she was the one who pushed to make it officially boyfriend/ girlfriend. Then she really wanted to meet my parents. I would notice a change in her behaviour, when I delayed introducing her to my parents. She would occasionally sulk if I went out with my parents without her. I just wanted to ensure the relationship had a solid future before taking the next step. She met my parents 8 months after our first date and they absolutely adore her.

Anon_Anon · 08-12-2024 01:16PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122929655#Comment_122929655

I'm also nearly 40. I really want to settle down, buy a house, have kids etc. So I want to work things out as I won't have many opportunities for kids at this stage of my life. But having a solid relationship is the key to all of this.

Anon_Anon · 08-12-2024 01:28PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122932548#Comment_122932548

Thank you. I also offered to pay for her therpy as she doesn't have a well paying job but she refused. She said she wouldn't want me to pay for something like that for her.

There's other occasions that I find quite controlling. For example, every time we leave the house, she wants to hold hands. In every single setting. Sometimes she would hold my hand even before we leave the house. I once told her it was too much for me and didn't feel like normal behaviour to hold hands so often. I preferred some extra space. However, she got very agitated and told me in her country couples hold hands all the time. Also, I can often sense a shift in her mood if I don't hold hands. So I hold hands with her to keep the peace and harmony in the relationship.

She's generally a very caring and affectionate person but quite often I'm unable to keep up with the intensity of the relationship. I prefer a more relaxed setting .

Anon_Anon · 08-12-2024 01:37PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122932960#Comment_122932960

She's actually from Brazil. I don't believe her family are pressuring her to get married. She also wants to stay here. I can't imagine her ever going back home.

I believe its just a lot of insecurities and just wants guys to commit to her in the relationship.

One factor not mentioned is that I really committed to my career and I'm now in a position where I can finally afford a house. I've also spent years and years saving and I would absolutely hate to lose everything in a divorse if everything doesn't work out. Ive a lot more to lose then her it things don't work out.

wildwillow · 08-12-2024 02:43PM

Tread very carefully. There are so many posts on here where people admit that they made an error in marrying their spouse and should have not ignored all the warning signs. Marriage is a big commitment both emotionally and financially and very difficult to end, especially where there are children.

It is easier to regret breaking up than to regret a marriage.

You have plenty of time to meet someone else and have a family.

Markus Antonius · 08-12-2024 03:09PM

Similar situation myself but GF a bit more easy going most of the time but find things can flip suddenly without warning but at least I know how to deal with it now.

Any man even considering marriage is a lunatic. Marriage is effectively the handing over of half your soul to a woman and the other half to a team of solicitors and letting them have their way with it.

Women should accept the time, affections and security they get from a relationship and any woman that feels this should be binding in the form of a legal contract should lose all the above.

Anon_Anon · 08-12-2024 03:21PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122936319#Comment_122936319

Is your girlfriend from Brazil too?

YellowLead · 08-12-2024 03:29PM

Please don’t settle for this woman with all her bad behaviours just because you are approaching 40 and want kids. As a guy, you don’t have a biological clock. The amount of regret on this forum and elsewhere that people have because they stayed in a relationship that made them miserable and then ended up with kids and shared houses and then either have to stick in misery because they can’t afford to run two households or they split and don’t get to see their kids every day anymore. You have the power of choice. Imagine meeting somebody who is actually compatible for you and who isn’t clingy and controlling and suffocating. Imagine meeting them but you’re already stuck and married to this one. She needs you FAR more than you need her. Let some other mug suffer this and get out while you can.

tea and coffee · 08-12-2024 05:13PM

Tbh it sounds like the relationship has run its course, definitely since the holiday. And that's OK.

You know it's not really working any more, but because of the factors you outlined (your wanting to settle down, your parents like her, she has issues etc) you are hesitant about breaking up with her. From reading your posts you know it's what you need to do. Take a deep breath (metaphorically) and do it.

This relationship isn't "the one"

One Who Waits... · 08-12-2024 06:40PM

Opened this thread out of boredom and it's the scariest thing I've read in quite a while.

Dude, RUN.

I'm the last person to be giving relationship advice, sorry I haven't got anything more helpful to add.

jj880 · 08-12-2024 06:59PM

I see your nearly 40.

Do not give in to the fear of being left on the shelf. I can only comment on what I see in my circle of friends but some of them panicked between age 30 to 40. They settled for partners with massive personal issues and emotional baggage. They have no peace in their homes or lives. Constant problems, drama and grief. I consider a lot of it to be spousal abuse.

Easy for me to say but my first reaction is leave her. Imagine how things are now with the pressure of raising a few children added to the situation. At your age you should be making the call early not to put up with this. Your own happiness needs to be priority and you cant afford to waste time. From what I see its very rare that people with these kind of issues and controlling behaviour treat their partners better when they get married. In most cases it gets worse.

billyhead · 08-12-2024 07:01PM

Look what happened to Jason Corbett OP. Run a mile.

Dial Hard · 08-12-2024 07:05PM

As tea and coffee has said, your biological clock ticking and the fact that your parents like her are not valid or viable reasons for staying in this relationship if you're not happy, and it doesn't sound at all like you are.

The other currently active thread in this forum is from someone who wants to leave their marriage and has admitted that they should never have married their partner in the first place. Regulars here have seen myriad examples of the same thing. Don't be that person, OP, please. SO many people get married thinking it will fix issues that are already there. Newsflash - it never does.

xyz13 · 09-12-2024 06:16AM

OP *divorce* can happen to anyone, even childhood sweethearts. The fact you are willing to oversee the red flags and stay together due to your age is alarming.

You are a man, you can get married and become a father at any age. If you were my female friend I'd not advise going ahead with this relationship (biological alarm clock considered and all that).

wandererz · 09-12-2024 07:18AM

Tell her that you're going to run/cycle all seven continents. Midlife crises. Join an athletics club just for the craic.

400 marathons. Approx 1,000,000 miles. It's going to take about 4-5 years.

And get the effing hell out of there.

This is advice from a married person approaching 50. Just not worth it.

BTW I had to go through the handholding, even in bed, being asked 50 time a day "Do you love me" and a whole bunch of other sh1te you mentioned plus more. She operates on a different plane. Some of it exhibited when we lived together fora few years. But boy did things take a turn after the marriage.

Just Don't do it.

misssunshine36 · 09-12-2024 04:16PM

I wouldn't even consider marriage. You have worked too hard to get your own house, to potentially hand over half of it to someone who had nothing to do with your hard work. Hate to say it, but she strikes me as a bit of a gold digger. And you don't need to be married to have kids. I have 3, 2 that are grown up and 1 aged 4, I had at 41. I'm not married and don't intend to be either. I've also worked hard for my house and would be very reluctant to marry. I think you may be better off without this lady. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I really don't mean it to be. You strike me as a really decent, nice fella who deserves better

Rooks · 09-12-2024 04:20PM

If you get married, have children and then get divorced you will have to leave the house but still pay for it.

Give that some thought.

Girlfriend has personal issues - Advice Needed

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