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Am I being over sensitive?

  • 05-11-2024 10:45AM
    #1
    Despondent
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3 ✭


    Background - I'm a man who's been married for over a decade to a woman I love

    In the last year we've been having massive issues, where she said she doesn't love me anymore, wanted to end the marriage last November. We spent the last year working really hard and things have been a lot better in the last 4 or 5 months. (not perfect, but a lot better)

    My wife still hasn't found it in her to say 'I love you' to me but she is talking about long term plans with the two of us (booking a summer holiday next year) which is a massive improvement over where we had been

    Anyway, I'm the one who usually suggests things to do together (nights out) and am always open for her to suggest ideas too (I don't think I've ever said no to anything she wanted to do)

    Recently I saw a poster in a shop for a charity table quiz that I thought might be something fun and a bit different to do together with another couple (teams of 4) I suggested it to her and she said it looked like fun and wanted to do it. Then last night she told me she had arranged to do the quiz with her cousin and 2 other people and did I mind if I found some others to be on my team. She didn't ask me first, she made the arrangements and then told me after she had planned it.

    I'm a bit disappointed because I wanted us to do it together, but I'm not a posessive guy and I really want her to have her own friends and socialise independently as much as she wants.

    The advice I'm looking for is really about what I should or shouldn't say. Should I say absolutely nothing and get over it, go do the quiz with my own friends and we can meet after as a bigger group and make the most of it.

    Or should I tell her that I was hoping to do the quiz with her and would have preferred if she had asked me before she made the other plans.

    My instincts are that I should just say nothing and make the most of it, it could still be a fun night. But there's a niggling feeling in there that it was a bit rude of her to just go off and bypass me without even asking me first.

    It would be easier if I just said nothing, but I'm trying to build a strong relationship where we both communicate and respect each other….

    Having written all of this, it seems so petty. Am I just being a sap?



Comments

  • #2
    I see sheep
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,105 ✭✭✭I see sheep


    Yeah just go with your friends and have a good night I'd say.

    Shite enough situation though, hope things turn around for you.

    "a terrible war imposed by the provisional IRA"

    Our West Brit Taoiseach



  • #3
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,555 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    I don't think so tbh: you suggested a date night and she replaced your role in it.

    If she was suggesting you do something else together a different night instead (perhaps something more romantic?) that would be one thing but just dropping you out of a night you were the one who suggested seems thoughtless at best.



  • #4
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,026 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    It sounds like she’s checked out and carrying along for now for the sake of it (are their kids involved?) she’s not even acting like your friend never mind your wife. Ask yourself this - do you really want to stay married to somebody who doesn’t love you even though you love them. Is you loving them enough? It wouldn’t be for many.



  • #5
    spaceHopper
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,165 ✭✭✭spaceHopper


    I remember you had a post about your relationship before. I'm sorry you must be walking one egg shells all the time. It can't be good for you. I'd get a few friends if you can and go. But after the event I'd tell her you want to get something off your chest and explain it to her, 1 that she didn't talk to you before she organized the team and excluded you. 2 that you've been the one to suggest nights out and you'd like her to make more effort.



  • #6
    Goldengirl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,975 ✭✭✭✭Goldengirl


    Agree with above . You are not being super sensitive .

    If a friend did that to me I'd feel excluded .

    While I would try not ruin the night and would go with friends I would certainly clear the air with her about it at some stage .

    You need some feedback and commitment from her .



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  • #7
    rowantree18
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 242 ✭✭rowantree18


    She has emotionally withdrawn from the relationship - or as someone else put it, checked out of it. A famous writer once said "when people show you who they are, believe them". Believe her. If you don't have kids and it would be relatively easy to split assets, get out now while you are still young enough to potentially start over. Obviously it's harder with kids. It's rough, but nothing will change, she'll use you up and leave anyway when it suits.



  • #8
    Deregos.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,209 ✭✭✭Deregos.


    Thats awkward I know. Would she understand how demeaning that'd be for her, if it was you who changed the circumstances of a planned night out without first informing her?

    I hate to be blunt, but I get the feeling she's already left you in her mind and is stringing you along until she gets up the courage, and all the other circumstances are in the right place , before she tells you she's leaving.



  • #9
    Andrea B.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,001 ✭✭✭Andrea B.


    People making a go of it are conscious that their words and actions would reflect that.

    And if oversights are made, a recognition of that would be forthcoming.

    Hard to understand how she could not be aware when making decision that it would hurt. Unless of course that has always been her nature to people in general (not purposely/spectrumy).



  • #10
    Beeme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2 ✭Beeme


    I really feel for you and you are not being too sensitive. I was in practically the same position as you are in about 15 years ago. We had been together young, were living together talking kids, marriage the works. But he did exactly what you described, I said nothing the first time the second time but the third time I did. What I know now is what other people have said to you he'd already checked out of the relationship. In the end I ended up finishing it, I hung on for as long as I could and was devastated but it was going to end anyway. You need a serious talk with her, tell her how you feel. You don't deserve to be treated like this, I'm sure if you did it to her there would be war.



  • #11
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,619 ✭✭✭Tork


    It isn't a nice thing to do and can be interpreted as a way of keeping you at bay. I think you need to bring it up with her in a non-confrontational manner. Start off by saying you had been hoping you both could do that quiz and leave out the rest of the sentence - see where that conversation goes.

    What is more concerning is that you don't feel confident about bringing it up with her without second-guessing yourself. Even though there is a lot at stake here, walking on eggshells is no way to live your life. I find the line about her not being able to say "I love you" yet to be quite worrying. That reads to me like somebody who's keeping you dangling like a puppet on a string and is using her affection as a carrot. Do you feel like you're participating in an audition and that one mistake might be fatal? If you're a good boy and do all the right things, she'll reward you with those three words. You're the one who's married to her and knows.

    Post edited by Tork on


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