Does Emigrating Make Life Better? Or Are Some People Not Made to feel Normality

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus · 03-10-2023 08:51PM #1

Life in Dublin is simply not getting any better,

Im 30, I earn a mid range salary from 2 jobs (circa 3200 per month after tax). I rent a small studio that costs with bills over half my take home pay. I have no hope of buying a home. Im single and despite paying for unlimited likes on apps I get zero matches or ghosted from the ones I get. I don't have any friends and when I go out to bars etc no one speaks outside their groups so I sit alone at the bar with a book generally. My family don't spend time with me or call me as they all have kids and I don't factor in, and when they have spoken to me they say about how its dead money for me to be renting. I genuinely feel like I dont have a single person on this earth that cares about me or wants to spend time with me, I blame my ugly looks and my lack of success (my low wage and no property) for that.

I did have friends at one time, then over covid they cut me off over my depression and because I took anti lockdown views (I had lost my job due to lockdown). The people I work with don't like me (I put this down largely to how I look, ugly people tend to be prejudged as being strange).

I don't see any hope in this country, does anyone know a country I could move to in which I could have a normal life of friends, a relationship and a home? I have been thinking UK but I know from travelling over there I dont get likes etc on apps either so I think I would have the same issues of being too ugly for love there as well.

Any advice welcome, a sense of hope is what I need that I am not beneath a normal socially acceptable life

Thelonious Monk · 03-10-2023 08:58PM

No, emigrating just means you go somewhere else with the same problems. I used to think living abroad was the solution to all my problems and spent 12 years in various place but I'm happier now than I've ever been in Dublin. That's not to say I didn't have a great time, but once you settle in somewhere your underlying issues will come to the fore again eventually.

I mean you've been told on Reddit numerous times to work on your self esteem and to seek help with depression. You wont be happy anywhere with any job in your current state. Seek help.

tinytobe · 03-10-2023 09:06PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058316638/does-emigrating-make-life-better-or-are-some-people-not-made-to-feel-normality

If it's more friends you're after than either team sports or volunteering helps, also anything around a church or religious organization.

As for the rest, 3200 after tax isn't that bad and sadly many in their 30ies have a tough time. At the time when they were to start whatever they wanted to start, it was either the financial crisis, the Euro crisis, Covid, or now the rental and housing crisis.

People in their 50ies are probably the best off in Ireland, - at the moment, they made the most of Celtic Tiger and now after the financial crisis property values bounced back.

Emigration doesn't help much. I hear that Australia is a very good choice these days. Housing in Canada is as bad as in Ireland these days, plus there is an opioid crisis in much of North America.

Goodigal · 03-10-2023 09:51PM

You seem to place a lot of emphasis on looks. Looks aren't everything. Maybe you realise that as you get older though! Sitting at a bar reading a book is not being open to conversation or interactions with anyone. It's giving off a vibe that you don't want to be disturbed.

You sound a little bitter and resentful rather than seeing the small positives in your life - like a good take home pay and place to live. I think if you can afford to, you should speak with a counsellor and work on your self esteem, you could find a happier way of life in Ireland. Why go abroad with the same negative thoughts?!

Tell me how · 03-10-2023 10:00PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058316638/does-emigrating-make-life-better-or-are-some-people-not-made-to-feel-normality

You don't need to move in order to feel better. Most definitely not.

As others have suggested, your post suggest strongly low self-esteem and confidence. These are things that predominantly come from within, don't think there is any doubt here in that respect given your comments about your looks.

Think of it this way, 'No matter where you go, there you will be'. You could go through the process of moving and you'll still see the same face in the mirror.

You've probably heard this before, but the likely best path to a place of improved confidence and general mental health (which will influence the issues you are having) is to work on yourself. Therapy would be a good place to start, but even there, the answers come from within you, the therapist's role is to help you find them. Couple that with physical exercise, diet improvements etc, you'd be in a very strong place to see improvements.

To give you hope, if you do put in such effort and have success with it, in some ways in will improve your life more than you can imagine and you could find yourself enjoying things in a way that right now, you probably don't imagine would be possible.

BillyHaelyRaeCyrus · 03-10-2023 10:09PM

Im in the gyn 3 days a week. I tried theraphy it did nothing. I tried SSRIs and they did nothing. I cant buy a house on 1 income regardless of what I do and the way I look does not make others want a relationship

I did think of going to Turkey to have my jawline realigned so that I would have more refined features and a hair transplant. And teeth whitening but I would like look mostly the same and still be renting as well.

I just dont know, I just want the normal life, semi d house, kids and a marriage. Then people will say I was doing well, siblings will drop in to see me. A few family members have emigrated recently and got nice send offs and are spoken highly of, similar to how home buying cousins had been so thats why the idea of moving is in my head

iniscealtra · 04-10-2023 04:27AM

You seem to worry a lot about what other people think of you. Call over to your siblings for tea and a chat. Bring biscuits. If they have small kids they won’t be that mobile.

HalloweenJack · 04-10-2023 05:23AM

Buying a house isn't going to solve your problems. It's a massive financial commitment and, given your current uncertainty, it will greatly restrict what you can in the future. Frankly, if buying a house is going to make you popular with family members than I'd question the priorities your family members have.

You're clearly unhappy with who you are. Only you change that. As others have mentioned, moving away won't change that: You'll only being your problems with you. You need to get some help with your self-esteem and obsession with looks. You need to make friends (either through common interests or meet-ups) and work on yourself becoming better before you can have a relationship. It's going to be hard to attract one with your current mood and those who you might attract probably aren't in the best place themselves.

That's a lot of work needed on yourself and its easier with professional help and that takes tome as well, especially if its something so deeply engrained. If you've had a bad experience previously, I can only encourage you to try again and stick it out because it doesn't seem like you have the answers yourself.

taxAHcruel · 04-10-2023 06:11AM

I do not know enough about you OP to comment really. All I can do is comment on myself.

And I know when I was younger I was miserable. I was comparing myself to those around me - including my siblings - and finding myself wanting and single and unlovable and worthless. And similar to what you are writing I blamed things like my looks or my lack of good income for my failures.

And this is very common. We have one user around these forums who blames everything on his height and income too. Latching on to some variable - often one like height or looks that can not be changed - to blame for all their woes. And I was doing the same thing myself when I was younger.

In the end I realized it was none of those things. It was just me and how I was interacting with the world. I was basically laying about and not getting after it. I had nothing in my life that was bringing me joy or meaning. I had no internal locus of evaluation and was judging myself against others only. I had no goals or motivations or incentives. I was not only not "on the path" - I did not even have a path.

In the end it only took some simple and small changes in my perspectives on a few things and everything got steadily better. Do not get me wrong it was not without a significant amount of effort. Simple does not mean easy. It was work. But I incrementally saw things getting better in my life at every level. To the point there are aspects of my life now that make other people genuinely jealous - as up my own ass cocky as that sounds.

A massive upheaval in your life like changing country to a new culture and location and having a fresh start can of course kick start changes in your life that will make everything better. But it is not guaranteed by any means. You could just as easily end up in the same rut there as here. The move alone is unlikely to achieve anything. It is the change of direction and narrative and so forth you incorporate into that move that will being real change. There is a lot of potential in emigration therefore. But it is not a magic wand - but a path you have to walk. And sitting stagnant on a path there is going to have little improvement over sitting stagnant on a path here.

04-10-2023 06:23AM

If i could get to Australia or USA tomorrow again i would be on the plane already.

nothing here for any young people, living to work and the utter depressing weather this year hasn’t done people’s mood any better

my advice to anybody is leave & go give it a go somewhere warm.

fizzypish · 04-10-2023 07:58AM

"I tried theraphy it did nothing." Counselling doesn't really fix things. You fix things and counselling prompts you in the right direction. I've no friends because I'm ugly is an example of negative self talk. That's the first thing you need to fix. Changing elements of your personality is really **** hard and you have to work at it. You have to do the stuff the councillors say no matter how stupid you think it is if you want to change. Journaling, talking to yourself in the mirror (positive affirmations), meditation etc.... It **** sucks but if you attack the problem in a years time you will have changed how you think. Go back to counselling and treat your mentality like its a cancer. Change how your mind works so its not hamstringing you and all those mountains start to look like molehills. Gluck.

TheadoreT · 04-10-2023 08:09AM

There's definitely countries you can go to that will be cheaper and make it easier to save. But your personal problems will only be heightened.

You're seeing yourself in a very shallow and negative way. I can guarantee you that 99.9% of people wouldn't see you as 'strange' because of your looks. They may see you as strange as you're obsessed about how you look. Your vibe you're giving off due to this sound paranoid and negative, and those aren't conducive to making friends.

If you move abroad you'll have to deal with challenges such as different cultures, potentially a new language and standing out more compared to the locals, it requires a lot of positively, perseverance through early awkwardness and social confidence which you seem to lack right now.

The pub isn't a great place to make new friends when alone, join sports clubs like tag rugby or hiking ect where you'll meet others looking to broaden their social circle. And try keep an open and positive mind before going to your negative comfort zone of they all hate me so what's the point of trying.

HalloweenJack · 04-10-2023 08:26AM

Also, people judging you on your looks* are not worth the hassle and you shouldn't be pining for their friendship.

* If that's really the case or you are just so down in the dumps you've convinced yourself that it is.

Tombo2001 · 04-10-2023 08:33AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121191557#Comment_121191557

I think thats a little patronising - good looking people in my view have an easier ride through life, when they are young. I'd have no hesitation in saying that. Of course, they will tell you they dont have it easy, and no doubt they dont. But good looking people will generally not struggle to find friends or partners. (Albeit a lot of them have a hard fall when they reach middle age and can no longer fall back on the good looks to command attention).

And to the other point, sit and the bar and do what then? Stare at people? Not everyone has the wherewithal to wander up to strangers and start chatting. The issue here I guess, is that a bar is a place you go to with friends, not to find friends.

Your point on counselling is well made though. Self esteem is the starting point here.

To OP - you should ask yourself why you lost friends because of your rigid anti-lockdown views; why was it so important that you had to make your view heard on anti-lockdown, that it cost you friendships? An important aspect of friendship in my view is that you are in a comfort zone with that person, and that they are in a comfort zone with you.

Tell me how · 04-10-2023 09:15AM

I cannot emphasize enough, for anyone reading how having an aesthetically pleasing appearance grants absolutely zero guarantees in how difficult or easy life is going to be. Aside from the fact that 'looks' are subjective, the reality is that any advantage they may give is no different to an advantage a person may have as a consequence of other personal attributes (skills/talents etc) or the circumstances in which they live their life.

And we have no idea what individuals are dealing with or what is the truth of their circumstances, there are conventionally 'aesthetically' attractive people who struggle in many different ways in the same way the OP is struggling, some even because of those looks as it becomes their defining trait and people use that as their primary lens through which they engage with them. There are many others, who from the outside, might appear to belong in the 'aesthetically attractive' category, and yet who feel as the OP does about their own appearance, strange and all as that might sound.

OP, focus on improving the things about you or the area of your life, that you 'want' a potential partner to be impressed by. By all means, try to look your best, but I would encourage you making the best of what you have rather than thinking what you don't is the sole reason you are finding things difficult.

AyeGer · 04-10-2023 10:53AM

I seriously doubt you are as ugly as you think you are, could be body dysmorphia.

Incidentally one is the most popular people I know is genuinely ugly in the looks department.

Are you giving off negative vibes, withdrawn and not open to conversation and interaction with people. Try and be more open with people. You don’t have to be the most interesting person in the room either. Being a good listener is important too.

innisfail2 · 04-10-2023 03:56PM

OP sounds like a very unhappy person. I get the impression that he will have reasons why any advice offered is useless for him. I was in a similar position five years ago. I was deeply unhappy and starting to despair of life. I'd tried therapy, healthy eating, exercise, mantras, journalling, breathing exercises, medication, etc. and none of it shifted my fearful, anxious, unhappy, lonely personality. It's all well and good saying work on yourself, but what happens when you feel like you've exhausted the options and nothing has moved the needle?

For me, reading the below book and taking up meditation as a result opened me up to change. I committed myself to do 1000 hours of meditation to assess if it would be beneficial. I chose that number because it's what the authors of the book categorized as an experienced meditator so it seemed a fair metric to be able to assess the utility of the practice for me.

The Science of Meditation: How to Change Your Brain, Mind and Body : Goleman, Daniel, Davidson, Richard:

The regular meditation put me through hell, but it opened me up to insight about myself that I don't think I could have arrived at by any other intervention and that insight triggered serious meaningful ongoing painful personal growth. I'm still on the path and well past 1000 hours at this point, but if OP is a hard case and nothing else is working, then I would highly recommend that he consider meditation. It is a round-about way of addressing the problem, but if more direct interventions have failed, it might succeed where other interventions can't.

Have a think on it OP. I agree with the other commenters who say that you take your problems with you when you move. Best address them head-on at home if you can. You don't need money or good looks or to travel a few thousand miles to do meditation, which is liberating. You just need the commitment to do it regularly, day in, day out for a defined period of time to assess if it is working for you. Don't expect to feel better after any given meditation session. Don't even expect to have detectable results for hundreds of hours. Commit to it and give it the time to work. See what happens. That's my suggestion. I think it's more concrete than simply to say - work on yourself. But it is also unavoidably a leap of faith to take up the practice, commit the time, with no guarantee that it will ultimately yield personal growth. It did for me. The book says it does for others as well. However, there's no guarantee it's a universal panacea. That's the catch, you have to give it the time and hope you're in the subset for whom it will (eventually) be beneficial. I was in that subset, but it I certainly didn't know that starting out and it was sheer desperation that drove my commitment to see it through. If nothing else is working for you, please read the book and consider the option. It's a whole lot cheaper than relocating.

06-10-2023 10:41AM

A change of location won't change the issues you're facing, you'll only bring them with you.

I would strongly recommend trying therapy again, with a different therapist. Your looks aren't as important as you think they are btw. Buying a home wouldn't sort things for you either. You're going to need to do a lot of work on yourself. Your best chance is to find a counsellor you are suited to and be honest with them.

Tork · 06-10-2023 01:29PM

A few family members have emigrated recently and got nice send offs and are spoken highly of, similar to how home buying cousins had been so that's why the idea of moving is in my head

This reads more like a cry for attention from your family to be honest. A rather drastic way of you reminding them that you still exist and a hope that they'll treat you better. Have you thought about how life went for your relatives once they landed in their new country? It won't have been plain sailing for them and I'm sure they've had many a moment when they wished they were back home.

If you emigrate with your mindset the way it currently is, you're going to go through the very same experiences you have now. Only worse because you'll be away from the remaining support network you have. Even if you don't have much of a relationship with your family, they're there in the background. If you're in a foreign country you'll have nobody at all. You've also ended up in the miserable situation are are in through your choices and behaviour. If you've ended up friendless and lonely in Ireland, the likelihood is you'll be friendless and lonely in England or Australia or wherever. You'll be sitting in a bar with a book, thinking you look like Goofy and feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm not qualified to give any medical advice but I think you need to double down on your efforts to try and help your own situation. Try a different therapist, for example. Also, why not reach out to your family and make an effort to engage with them. Yes they'll be busy if they have kids but it doesn't mean you can't spend time with them. I'm curious to know what sort of relationship you have with your family who have kids. I never got to have kids myself (long story) but I have always enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephews. They're great craic and I get a kick out of interacting with them. Do you not get joy out of such things?

Daisy78 · 08-10-2023 04:16PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121191591#Comment_121191591

I’d caution about recommending therapy. It is mentioned quite a bit on here but there are so many bad therapists/counselors out there who shouldn’t be practicing. A good therapist should aim to provide insights into why the poster feels the way they do and coping strategies for addressing it. Also exercising and losing weight/maintaining a good diet is something to aspire to but not a magic bullet either. It may not change anything for him.

Tell me how · 08-10-2023 04:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121209995#Comment_121209995

You'd never do anything if someone else having a bad experience was enough of a reason to not even try.

You are correct about the quality of therapists out there to some degree. It can be very subjective because so much of it is relying on a connection between the therapist and the client. And it can take several visits to the same or different therapists before you find that connection.

And similarly, being at a healthy weight is good for the individual anyway, even if mental or other difficulties exist. It's not a magic bullet, no one suggests it is, but there is really no negative in attempting to be physically healthy.

yourdeadwright · 11-10-2023 04:11PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058316638/does-emigrating-make-life-better-or-are-some-people-not-made-to-feel-normality

Out of all your issues there is one that you can change quite easy & its your looks its so easy,

Spend 3 months on getting yourself in shape, Seems like a long time but its absolute drop in the ocean of time ,

Just make your mind up today start eating healthy, drinking lots of water & get exercise, walk,n run, lift weights ,hike , join a club whatever you feel suits you most to start,

You said yourself you have nothing else going on so put all your time into that for 3 months, You'll look a lot better but most importantly it'll give you huge confidence , IF you manage 3 months you'll gain a huge self respect for yourself & realise that you CAN take control of your life & it'll give you confidence in other area's ,

Don't crash diet just make it a lifestyle thing , I can't tell you ho much it'll change your life, You'll have more energy, more confidence in life , look better ,be healthier , & probably make friends doing it,

Look after yourself to,o get a hair cut, grow a beard, get a beard trim whatever it is nobody is ugly but we can all let ourselves go, everyone can look better with a bit of effort some people have no idea how good they can look,

Don't run form your problem confront them, Come on man you can you can better yourself , Everyone one of us face fears life so your not alone ,if we just make that first step & just go after them we can beat them,

Most of all start believing in yourself, if others can do it why can't you,

Modulok · 16-10-2023 07:43AM

It made my life much better across every dimension.

Moonbeam · 22-10-2023 09:54PM

Have you tried talking to a therapist or your GP?

I think it should be your first step.

You are probably not actually ugly but have convinced yourself that you are and have low confidence as a result. if that is the case then you will bring this issue with you anywhere that you go.

I live abroad and I loved it for the first few years, now all I want to do is go home but there are 6 of us so it is complicated.

ancapailldorcha · 23-10-2023 03:38PM

Emigrating can help, OP but it has its limits. For example, I'm an introvert who generally eschews social opportunities. It was a problem in my hometown but emigrating made it only slightly less of a problem. In short, wherever you go, you take yourself and your problems with you.

I think you've had some good advice here from other posters. I'd say go with that before making a huge life changing decision.

All the best.

StudentDad · 04-11-2023 01:11AM

Hi OP, at the risk of stating the bleeding obvious. You're you. Whether you're in Dublin, Cairo or Athens. It doesn't matter. A change of geography won't help if you continue to have the same mental attitude. You bring a book to a pub? That's grand at 2pm middle of the day over a pot of tea and a sandwich. In the evening, when you're trying to socialise? That just screams, leave me alone, I've got my pint and my book. As previous posters have said, find something you like doing and do it. Preferably something that involves other people and just run with it.

Strumms · 04-11-2023 01:59AM

I’ve never emigrated although I have lived abroad working for a while.

the question being asked here.. “ does it make life better “…

it depends, you need certain luck, certain opportunities to open….

get a job before you leave, do your research, maths on rent, outgoings, general cost of living, eating, public transport, healthcare etc….

basically risk assess the opportunity …. If it looks good great , what happens if things go arse over cerebellum…..? Lose your job, get sick etc ? You’d have to factor in the possibilities of bad shít happening. And how easy is it to manage if it does.

can you leave, can you come back home quickly and have room, apartment etc… can you save money over there wherever you are and still do all the above ?

NSAman · 04-11-2023 02:12AM

Honestly, if you are not happy IN yourself in Ireland, you won’t be happy IN yourself abroad.

if it’s circumstances that are making you unhappy in Ireland, emigration CAN change that depending on luck, hard work and the ability to depend on yourself. Yes there are better opportunities abroad. You have to work your ass off for them though. Being seen as the outsider requires you to dig deep in yourself and become very self reliant.

however, don’t go if it is because your are not happy with yourself, it will make you worse. No support systems, missing family etc is a recipe for disaster!

con___manx1 · 04-11-2023 02:44AM

I think your being very hard on yourself. I have lived abroad twice in Australia and Canada. If I was to pick one I'd pick Australia. The weather alone will make you happier. You can make serious money over there aswell. If you put a few years in the mines you would come back with a substantial sum for a house. Its hard work and in the middle of nowhere but it would take much longer to make that kind of money here in ireland.

If you want to make some friends take up a sport or activity that you will socialise and meet people. Hiking is a good one. They have hiking clubs in Dublin.

Reesy · 17-12-2023 09:27PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121191615#Comment_121191615

I'd humbly suggest you try therapy again - especially if you find it difficult. Make a shortlist of three therapists (IACP / IAHIP accredited) and go interview them / talk with them. Choose one and commit to some sessions. Good luck.

Does Emigrating Make Life Better? Or Are Some People Not Made to feel Normality

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