Had an unresolved row with my housemates and I'm partly at fault

ifeelabreeze · 08-08-2023 10:02pm #1

Hi all.

just want to acknowledge that I'm no angel in all of this.

Sharing a house that we rent as a whole unit and divide out the rooms/rent between us accordingly.

Basically I said I was moving out a little over a week ago, gave a months notice the day I paid rent and that was it, they were happy with the arrangement.

I was going to move back home, which is about an hour from work but I'm only in 3 days a week. But I just found out I was going to be in head office a bit going forward - that's a little over a 2 hour drive from home, an and hour from the house I'm renting. I get some mileage but from my current office, not home, so I'd end up out of pocket.

So I said it to the girls, who were surprisingly annoyed, turns out they already have someone for the room and they're going to have to let them down. I apologised again but said that I was going to be staying, they asked for how long - I said indefinitely at this point, if I do end up moving out before any of ye I've no issues giving a months notice.

I found it weird that they had someone because I asked the girl who's in charge of finding someone this time only yesterday and she said that they had no one and she'd put the letting up this week.

Turns out they had a plan - I was moving out, the girl in the box room (which I had originally) would get my room, and then the girl with the ensuite would give her room to a friend of hers when she moves out in around 2 months time.

But I was/am supposed to be getting that en suite when she moves out, so it was very convenient when I said I was moving out. I called her out on it, she said 'no that rooms reserved', I called BS, she dug in her heels and then the other girl chimed in saying how it's not exactly fair that I turned back on what I had said - which I acknowledged it wasn't but at the same time that's a separate issue entirely - she had someone for the en suite that I'm supposed to be getting and just wasn't going to tell me until she was out the door.

So I don't know where to go from here.

I feel like an ass for going back on what I said, but I feel like I have no choice, every other room/house is a solid €200 more expensive per month - not an exaggeration.

I haven't seen the housemates since but I just left it with a message into the group chat saying 'that issue (en suite) was going to come up eventually.. look I do apologise for the change of plans, I know it made a sh*t of all your plans but I won't be moving out', got no reply.

We weren't friendly to begin with but now we certainly are not, I'm the only lad in a house of girls, the girl who's stuck in the box room is keeping quiet (which is smart), but they're trying to A) make me feel bad for relegating her to the box room, B) say that the en suite is reserved and has been, but they weren't going to tell me because they knew I'd kick up...

Any thoughts?

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy · 08-08-2023 10:05pm

They’re gonna make your life hell. Either move out, or else pay the €50 a week extra to live somewhere else.

keithb93 · 08-08-2023 10:18pm

Sounds like the damage is done and they have every right to be annoyed. If I was in your position I would not push for the en-suite. Tbh you should suck it up and move out.

ifeelabreeze · 08-08-2023 11:08pm

It honestly is.

I mean taking it as 2 separate issues - surely I’m right to be annoyed that she’s essentially pushed me out of a room for her friend and worst still - wasn’t going to tell me until right before she moved out

Padre_Pio · 08-08-2023 11:44pm

To be honest, while you gave your notice, it's still 3 weeks away.

Looks like they made a little plan and are pissed you've ruined it. I've no sympathy. The room is yours until you leave and you're entitled to change your mind. No one is any better or worse off.

Now, maybe give up your hope of the ensuite to settle things down, but I wouldn't give into pressure if you like the house.

Rothmans · 09-08-2023 12:13am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120954939#Comment_120954939

I'm not sure I agree. The whole point of giving notice to your roommates is to allow them find a roommate during the notice period. If they were to wait until he was already moved out, they would be out of pocket and this would entirely defeat the purpose of a notice period in the first place. I think they are right to be peeved. The whole ensuite thing is irrelevant as the OP was meant to move out regardless.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 8:27am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120954624#Comment_120954624

The only real conciliation is that the 2 who are kicking up are moving out, one in 2 months and another in December.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 8:32am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955006#Comment_120955006

Maybe I'm completely out of pocket but I see it as two separate issues, one simply brought the other to light - I went back on what I said which is/was a sh*tty thing to do.

But I also thought I was doing them a favour in a sense (with the exception of the girl who was supposed to be getting the larger room, who I addressed in a separate message) - I had said it with the impression that they had no one for it and hadn't even put up the add yet, because one of the girls had told me to my face they had no one.

Truth being they had their own little plan.

All of that just brought to light that they were planning on giving the en suite to a friend of theirs and telling me at the last minute because they knew I'd kick up. Those are two separate points, but at the end of the day I live with them I pay my rent, I clean up after myself I owe them nothing.

I know that makes me an ass, but they're no angels in all of this either, we never really got along and now I can see that's because they knew sh*t was going to hit the fan in a few months time, but that got expedited

Former Former Former · 09-08-2023 8:38am

Not sure what the question is? You've decided to stay so what advice are you looking for?

If you want to try to build some bridges, you could offer to take the box room again as an act of contrition.

Jim_Hodge · 09-08-2023 8:38am

You set a situation in motion and now want to backtrack on that. Fair enough, it should be workable. But the en-suite is pushing your luck. You are being unreasonable there and should be thankful if you could hold on to your old room. They acted quickly once you gave your notice and more power to them on that.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 8:54am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955327#Comment_120955327

There won't be any acts of contrition, look it was sh*tty but I owe them nothing, the 2 who are kicking up will be out of there by January.

Bridges are burnt and I wouldn't have liked to have crossed them prior to the incident.

We were never really friendly despite my best efforts, I've had numerous conversations with my friends over it trying to figure out if there's anything that I do that they could be taking issue with or if there's anything I could do, but I've come to the conclusion that they were keeping their distance because they knew the en suite issue would come up eventually.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 8:59am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955328#Comment_120955328

But they also A) Lied about having anyone for the room when I asked them outright prior to backtracking.

B) Were conveniently going to forgo telling me that the room I was originally going to be getting was actually reserved - which is completely against how it's ever worked in the house, the girl who's pushing for that is moving out herself.

So if I never mentioned moving out, this was going to come to a head.

We're not friends, we weren't to begin with, which is why I wanted to move out prior to the work situation.

I screwed their plans, which was ****, but I owe them nothing - plans change, I thought I was doing them a favour because they told me they had no one for the room and I'd be saving them the hassle of re-advertising the room, which they told me they hadn't done so already.

They're not nice people, they never were, I was trying to be before this whole sh*tshow

Jim_Hodge · 09-08-2023 9:05am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955379#Comment_120955379

Fair enough. Just an opinion from someone not involved. I still think you shot yourself in the foot here. It also sounds more like a Personal Issues saga than an Accommodation and Property issue. If it were me I'd rein my horns in a bit and be more conciliatory.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 9:13am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955396#Comment_120955396

No you're dead right I shot myself in the foot, both feet at this point because I haven't got a leg to stand on.. But if I never mentioned moving out, when were they going to tell me that the en suite was promised to some stranger? They're just going to hold my backing tracking over my head but they were being snakey behind the scenes, the moving out issue just brought to light the other issue.

We weren't friends, we're certainly not now, I'm quite okay with being an ass in this because I see it as two separate issues.

We're past the first one - I'm keeping the room, I've apologised.

Second one is still there, but I'm not conceding to 2 people who were plotting behind my back all along.

Former Former Former · 09-08-2023 9:21am

I presume they know a lot of people looking for accommodation so it probably wasn't a big stretch to find someone, so you're probably being unfair in saying they were 'plotting' all along.

TBH, if I was one of them, and the housemate I don't like (and who doesn't like me) told me he was moving out, GAVE NOTICE, but two weeks later told me actually, not only is he not moving out but he's keeping his place in the queue for the en suite room, I'd be annoyed too.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 9:31am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955449#Comment_120955449

Well what would you call the fact that they've known for a long time that they were bumping me out of an en-suite and giving it to one of their friends, and simply weren't going to tell me until the last minute because they knew it'd cause an issue?

I can 100% understand the annoyance, but I don't think that entitles them to anything more than an apology for the change of plans.

Jim_Hodge · 09-08-2023 11:07am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955474#Comment_120955474

I don't think that entitles them to anything more than an apology for the change of plans.

Then you'd be wrong, I afraid.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 11:44am

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955818#Comment_120955818

How so? Plans change, there's no contract.

You're saying I should owe them something

herbalplants · 09-08-2023 1:27pm

I would move back home if I was you.

Mrs OBumble · 09-08-2023 2:25pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955449#Comment_120955449

I'd be telling him that his notice stands, and not to be dicking us around trying to change his mind. I'd probably even book a locksmith for his move-out day.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 3:14pm

Was that last sentence really necessary? I hope it made you feel better about yourself and whatever metric you measure yourself against because you're assuming horrible things about me based on an anonymous internet posting. Why would they need to book a locksmith? Why would you assume I wouldn't had back the keys or worse still that I'd make a copy? - Those are all rhetorical questions I just want to highlight the assumptions your making on what type of a person I am.

Mrs OBumble · 09-08-2023 3:24pm

It's not about you.

Changing the locks is standard procedure at any change of housemates.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 4:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120956909#Comment_120956909

So you made a point of saying it, because it's standard procedure?

Dial Hard · 09-08-2023 4:14pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120957027#Comment_120957027

OP, you've had a very large number of advice-seeking posts across a number of fora on here since you joined, but you never seem to actually take on any of the advice you're given. As I've said before, it's very clear to me that you struggle to interpret what are pretty basic social interactions for most people and then can't understand why people react to your actions and behaviour the way they do.

Without wishing to make any assumptions or diagnoses, I do think it would be worth your while exploring why this is with a professional.

DFB-D · 09-08-2023 5:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955474#Comment_120955474

I don't think there is an entitlement to take over someone else's room.

You might have expected it as a courtesy, but since you said you were leaving, they clearly made other plans and it would be unreasonable of you to expect them to change these plans.

Purple Mountain · 09-08-2023 5:45pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120956909#Comment_120956909

I spent my 20s living in several houses shares most with 3 to 4 rooms.

Never once have I encountered locks being changed nor felt that it would be a standard practice.

Where have you experienced this in Ireland?

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 6:01pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120957397#Comment_120957397

He/She hasn't it was a dig at me

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 6:02pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120957369#Comment_120957369

Because it's happened previously, it's how I got my room, so it's not courtesy. It's standard practice.

Everyone else I've spoken to about that has called BS on the stunt she's pulling. My change of plans changes absolutely nothing about the fact that she's reserving her better room for a stranger, when it's always been the case that whoevers there in the house the longest gets priority over choosing the rooms.

The thing you're forgetting is - that plan was already in place long before I said I was moving out, they just weren't going to tell me about it until she was moving out.

They didn't make any plan on account of me moving out, me saying I was moving out was convenient for the plan they've already been planning behind my back, she said it herself - it was decided long ago. I was never going to be taken into consideration.

That's 2 separate issues.

I hold no guilt about changing plans, but I am apologetic.

I am not however going let them use that against me.

Padre_Pio · 09-08-2023 6:50pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120955006#Comment_120955006

I get that, but no one is better or worse off now the OP changed their mind.

Sure, someone might be a little disappointed, but the status quo remains.

DFB-D · 09-08-2023 7:44pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120957477#Comment_120957477

I don't know if those people who are calling BS are being kind to you, but given that your future in that house now looks uncomfortable, your actions clearly vexed the people you live with, didn't it?

As you don't feel any guilt, let me be blunt, you cannot do anything.

ifeelabreeze · 09-08-2023 9:27pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120957768#Comment_120957768

Yeah no I made a mess of things 100%, but I feel this issue regarding the ensuite was going to come to a head eventually.

I feel someone vetted with my emotions because I ran the whole debacle by my brother who is the most level headed and blunt person I know. He said I'm an idiot, but agreed it's 2 separate issues and that the latter was going to come to a head eventually, and now they're going to try and issue my backtracking as a justification for going ahead with the plan they made behind my back, which he also agrees is wrong and shouldn't affect it because that plan already there, which is also wrong.

Had an unresolved row with my housemates and I'm partly at fault

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