Am I asking for too much?

Limericklad142 · 22-01-2023 07:16AM #1

Hi, bit of advice needed. My son is 19 and going to college, which we pay for. He now has a part-time job where he works about 3-4 days per week. His shift is usually 6-12 in the evening and that means me driving in about 7 miles to collect him. He is often driven to college in the mornings also by me and collected by my wife in the afternoon. We are pushing for him to get di his theory test but he is lazy about it. He did it once last year and failed

At the outset we agreed that he would contribute 20% of net pay although he put up resistance to that, saying most of his friends don't have to contribute anything.

Anyway, just recently he got extra money, I think back pay over something and earned 900 for 1 week. He needed a pair of runners so he spent 80 to get them, usually we would have paid of course. When i asked for the balance of the 20% he refused saying the 80 was plenty. Am i being unreasonable asking for more? I only paid 1000 for fees the week before and that's why I'm annoyed at it. Thanks in advance

17larsson · 22-01-2023 07:32AM

Personally I'd have it at a set rate rather than a percentage.

A percentage feels a bit intrusive. Obviously you're paying for his college and he's living in your house so it's your rules but a set rate agreed between you would be better for two reasons;

1. No arguments like this would come up in the future.

2. It gives him that bit more independence, if he works harder, he keeps the reward. His paycheque should be his business only, I know he's only 19 and can't even drive yet but he is an adult

FoxForce5 · 22-01-2023 07:58AM

Sounds like a serious amount of mileage you are driving , buy him electric bike on the bike scheme no more free trips.

YellowLead · 22-01-2023 08:15AM

It’s a tough one. My son was in first year but decided to drop out of that course over Christmas and start another this coming September. He had a part time job while in college last year - I didn’t expect him to contribute to the household but I expected him to use his money to fund his own social life and buy his own clothes. He’s started a new job with more hours now and I still won’t expect him not contribute towards the household as he is going back to college in September, but I will expect him to save money towards the half of full fees which we will be liable for in addition to the registration fee when he starts back in September.

I think it depends on your household income - if you are struggling and he is earning then it makes sense to ask him to contribute - but agree with other poster that a set amount is better than a percentage. Or you could not ask for any but then expect him to pay for his own runners and clothes and holidays and phone and give you petrol money for the lifts, on the condition he gets off his ass and gets his drivers licence by a certain time.

My son is always telling me about his friends whose parents buy them new phones, pay for all their clothes, give them money for socialising etc and I do feel bad - but as a single person paying rent out of one income and trying to save for a mortgage I just can’t justify it. Plus I think it’s good to have to pay for some things at a young age, it builds a bit of character! I had a part time job over the summer in school and I bought my own schools books and uniform etc in addition to clothes phone or anything, I didn’t get a penny from my parents - because they didn’t have it. I remember feeling jealous as hell of all my friends who had things paid for them - including school trips etc but looking back it did always make me appreciate the value of money and made me less inclined to waste it. I still give my son money, but only when he doesn’t ask for it - I don’t want him entitled but I’ll surprise him randomly. And if he asks for money it’s always a loan which he has to pay back.

893bet · 22-01-2023 08:49AM

Difficult one. If you are struggling at home with costs then getting extra from him makes sense.

A set amount rather than percentage. But decide why expenses that is to cover. Ie tell him that’s to cover his food and his heating etc. Tell him his left over is to buy his cloths and discretionary expenses.

He is young and has no idea of all the bills paid to run a house and car.

Dont think short term on this…..the most important thing is that he finishes his education well and gets a career and doesn’t end up full time in that part time job (assuming it’s a low paid retail type position).

Big Bag of Chips · 22-01-2023 09:23AM

Yeah, I don't agree with the percentage thing. I think you should pick a sum and stick to it. Be it €50, €80 whatever. If he gets back pay or a bonus, or tax back etc that doesn't affect his arrangement with you. It's his bonus, not yours. The fact of the matter is yes, he's technically an adult but there's very few totally independent 19 year olds out there. He is still in education so not capable of full-time work and therefore still dependent on his parents.

I think you are doing right by charging him something. It teaches him responsibility and that life costs money! In our house we have agreed that if they are working part-time, through school, college etc their money is their own. But they pay their own "wants". We will be paying college fees, accommodation if necessary etc. They all know once they start full time work they will be expected to contribute to the house

I think you need to have a definite agreement. Not a percentage. Personally, I think €80 a week is probably a lot for a college going student to be paying. I know lads working full-time paying that or less at home.

Princess Calla · 22-01-2023 11:04AM

When I was in college I didn't pay rent, but then at that stage I was the only one at home.

However I can count on one hand the amount of lifts my dad gave me in the course of my life. He was very much" you want to do something get yourself there and back" type of person.

I paid for any college books /stationary/photocopying/printing etc. Lunch in college , clothes, bus fare, social life etc.

I was out of the house 7 days a week so I wasn't really costing them a huge amount by living there rent free.

Reading between the lines it sounds like you feel like you are being taken for granted and that's more the issue.

7 miles isn't far at all he could easily cycle it, stop being a taxi service at his beck n call. Let him make his own way home from college.

Let him buy his own clothes etc.

I do think 80 a week is alot but then you might actually need that I don't know.

Citizen Six · 22-01-2023 11:10AM

Reduce the number of lifts he gets to push him more towards driving. The one home from college in the afternoon for example.

My parents were always generous with lifts, but by college stage I'd be expected to make my own way there and back. I even got a moped, then a car, for a course I attended that wasn't well served by public transport.

Limericklad142 · 22-01-2023 11:14AM

Thanks for the replies. I didn't really have many reference points as i used to contribute one-third to my own parents growing up and my other friends are mostly single. I will change to a set amount instead and that should remove any tension.

Getting him an electric bike is out of the question because we are a few miles outside the city and the road would be too dangerous but I will keep pushing for him to get his licence as the driving is constant and he doesn't see that. Even my daughter who is 2 years younger raised the issue about him getting a bus to college and he wasn't having any of it. But when I heard her say he was spoilt I have started dropping him 10 minutes down the road to get a bus on some mornings. He then has to walk to get another bus in town but he will get over it.

Princess Calla · 22-01-2023 11:33AM

There's lots of people who have to get 2 buses to college. So he needs to get over himself.

Just on the driving....who'll be paying for the insurance and parking, petrol etc?

Will he be buying his own car?

I don't think driving is necessary the solution here.

He needs to grow up a little and come to terms that he can't be getting taxi'd around everywhere, life doesn't work that way!

Limericklad142 · 22-01-2023 11:41AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120141186#Comment_120141186

Yes, 100%. In terms of a car and insurance, I guess it will depend on his circumstances at the time. I would see a scenario where he could use one of our cars but maybe pay half towards insurance or something like that. He would definitely need to pay for his own fuel. I guess it's stepping stones on life's journey.

shesty · 23-01-2023 11:20AM

I used to go to UCD from way out in North Dublin.Train and Dart, or bus and change bus at Trinity.Hadn't an option.My parents weren't funding alternative accommodation since we lived in Dublin, and they certainly weren't driving any of us anywhere as they had their own jobs, so we had to suck it up and get on with it.

They would collect from the station at night, as it was a 20 minute walk on a dark country road back to our house.

In that context I would suggest 7 miles is a distance he could mainly navigate himself.

I'd cut way back on the driving.Change to a set amount of money per week.And ok, push the theory test and driving licence but be sure you are clear on what car he will be driving (yours?) and who will be paying or contributing to his tax, insurance and fuel costs (because that will very quickly become another bone of contention).

Xterminator · 23-01-2023 02:43PM

my child is in college and has a part time job. they pay for their own bus fare, mobile phone bill and don't get pocket money.

In that way i am better off. But i don't ask for any of their pittance of wages. they are assuming some/most of their own expenses.

Everyone circumstances are different. For me that is sufficient.

Airyfairy12 · 23-01-2023 09:38PM

Finding it hard to relate to this post because I struggled so much financially in college, any support given by my parents was done so extremely begrudgingly and I had to save for 5 years to be able to afford driving lessons, a car and all the expenses that come with getting on the road. All this while living 10 miles out the country side with not even a basic shop in walking distance, paying 'rent' to my parents and asking for a lift anywhere at all was like pulling teeth. From my point of view your son sounds ungrateful, spoiled and self entitled. Im not suggesting you shouldnt help him out but maybe letting him figure things out himself and not being there to clean up all his mistakes and giving him a nice cushion to fall back on could be just what he needs. How is he ever going to appreciate anything in life when he's had everything made so easy for him but besides that, how is he ever going to manage his own emotions when he's being shielded from small basic life challenges such as considering the needs & boundaries of other people - like having no regard for you and your wife and the money youre being forced to spend on him. He's earning money and is going to college which is his choice, give him your terms and what you expect from him, why is he telling you how its going to be? Its time he started to grow up.

Neyite · 26-01-2023 11:47AM

I think I'd fix it to a set amount of contribution. Unless you actually need that cash then it would be an affordable amount to him. And in my case, like my dad did, he put it into a savings account scheme for a few years. Then, when I needed a car, insurance, tax and lessons for my job, there was a nest egg to cover some of the cost of that. The contribution is more about teaching them budgeting, planning and being sensible with money when they fly the nest - but that's my opinion.

Like Chips, the young adults in our family on both sides who are still in education, the adults pay for the 'needs' and the offspring pay for the 'wants'. So for example, he needs a winter coat. You'd maybe budget for something that isn't as fancy as the one he wants so he pays the difference between the Dunnes coat and the Northface one. A lift to work if you don't live on a transport route that suits him is a 'need' but a bus ticket if that works just as well will do - and a few mornings standing freezing for a bus sharpens the mind on the driving lessons!

Regarding lessons -I think many young ones are like that, dragging their feet. My mother just took charge, booked lessons and also booked the test and drove us to our lessons so we couldn't drag it out.

The other thing my dad used to do was meet me halfway on expensive things I really wanted. If I really wanted something, and showed I was consistenly saving for it, he would meet me halfway on the cost. If I didn't bother my arse saving for my half then I clearly didn't need or want it that much! Going halves tended to focus the mind on if I really wanted it, prevented impulsive purchases, I'd research the product, it encouraged me to shop around for a deal, or find discounts, consider cheaper options etc - good skills to have in life. And dad's half was NEVER given in advance. Only when I had my full amount.

rob316 · 23-03-2023 05:28PM

My mother always said to me "while your under my roof and in education I'll pay for everything, when you get a full time job you pay keep".

Its absolutely fair and prepares you for when you leave the nest. I was 19 in a full time job and paying up €80 per week. Thinking back it was an absolute bargain!

23-03-2023 06:01PM

Learning how to manage money is absolutely crucial to a person’s development as a functioning adult, so he has to play his part in budgeting his life, and that includes what choices he makes when purchasing things. I think a poster above made a sensible suggestion that he should be entirely responsible for the more discretionary spends. Otherwise his life education will be incomplete, and he won’t learn the value of money, a crucial survival skill that will last him a life time.

Jim2007 · 23-03-2023 06:14PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120392770#Comment_120392770

Fully agree. My two are now finished with education and out in the world on their own, but while they were in college and apprenticeship, bed, board, education expenses and a basic monthly allowance was the standard. Anything more was up to them to earn it, but we want them to put their efforts into education not the part-time job.

HildaOgdenx · 23-03-2023 06:16PM

Mod Note - As the thread has been inactive for some time and the OP has not returned recently to it, I am closing the thread.

OP if you wish to have it reopened at any time please contact any of the PI mods.

Hilda

Am I asking for too much?

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