Fella I had been seeing cancelled last minute and I'm raging

betaband · 14-04-2022 03:22PM #1

I feel utterly pathetic.

Started chatting a few weeks ago. We texted a fair bit and went on 3 dates. It was going really well. I'm baffled lads. Truly. The lad was holding my hand etc.He was texting me everyday. He arranged the dates.He seemed keen.

But something inside me said something was amiss 2/3 days ago. He was still texting me daily and was the one initiating. Yet, he was very vague about our next date. He kept saying "we must do XYZ thing" but wouldn't set a date because he was "so busy" and his schedule was subject to change etc etc. I took matters into my own hands and we agreed on Thursday. My gut kept saying he'd cancel despite all the texting and lo and behold he's "too tired to meet" me tonight. No apology. No alternative arrangement.

I feel like something must be seriously wrong with me. Idk why he changed his mind about me out of nowhere. Am I ugly? Am I boring? Was he only after the ride and realised it takes me a while to get that comfortable with someone? I've only ever been stood up once before but it didn't hurt half as much as it was a first date.

Edited to get rid of a bit which warrants itself to even more slagging

ShamanRing · 14-04-2022 03:25PM

He literally told you he was busy, you forced the issue and now look, surprise surprise he is tired and needs a night off. He’s literally told you that he was going to be busy. None of this should be surprising. Give him a break and stop pressurising him. It’s really unattractive and frustrating to be on the receiving end.

betaband · 14-04-2022 03:30PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118927188#Comment_118927188

I see your point but if that were the case he'd a) apologise and b) offer another day.

Anytime I've been too busy with work/college to meet up with someone I've done the above. He just said "I think I'm too tired to meet you tonight".

B.A._Baracus · 14-04-2022 03:31PM

He only cancelled once. He might have genuinely been busy. You don't mind giving someone the benefit of the doubt once - but if he cancels again forget about him.

You will get your answer if you arrange something for next week.

betaband · 14-04-2022 03:32PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118927208#Comment_118927208

I hope you're right. I hope he apologises and offers an alternative dat and time. But I wouldn't hold my breath. He didn't even say sorry.

14-04-2022 03:33PM

3 dates and you’re like this?

I’d be dumping someone who said they were “too tired”- he’s not trying at all -whatever the reason, you’ve had a gut feeling so stick with that.

Patsy167 · 14-04-2022 03:38PM

Relax and give the chap the benefit of the doubt.

amdublin · 14-04-2022 03:43PM

He might be "just not that into you". Nothing wrong with you, of course you are not ugly, he is just not that into you. Or said another way: not feeling the chemistry.

And while I agree he could have tried get that message across to you in a better way, if it was me, I would just let him go

SteM · 14-04-2022 03:48PM

You're already suggesting he won't apologise for goodness sake. If you're this annoyed with him just block him and move on.

betaband · 14-04-2022 03:55PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118927218#Comment_118927218

I know it's pathetic to care, but damn it, we were chatting daily and those dates lasted hours longer than they were meant to. Felt like it might go somewhere.

And too tired is such a cop out. When I'm not interested anymore I'm straight with lads. A "you're lovely but I'm not feeling it" is honest at least.

osarusan · 14-04-2022 04:23PM

In my eyes you seem to be reading a lot into one cancellation after what seemed like a decent start to things.

Maybe take him at his word for now that he was, in fact, busy, as he had already said, which would also explain him not immediately scheduling another date.

My advice is to wait and see if he sets up another date.

Margaret Clarke · 14-04-2022 04:44PM

Hope you’re ok hun 😂😂

I stopped reading after twitter rubbish. Get your feet back to Earth and head out of the clouds and cop on.

Society truly is doomed.

And I’m 25 btw.

--------

Warning applied for breach of charter

Markus Antonius · 14-04-2022 04:51PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058241728/fella-i-had-been-seeing-cancelled-last-minute-and-im-raging

At least he didn't ghost you like 99% of the women on tinder do.

betaband · 14-04-2022 04:56PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118927547#Comment_118927547

I've never been ghosted, nor have I ghosted, but I'm fairly sure both genders are just as bad. Few of my female friends have been ghosted. One of them a year and a half into a relationship!!

Markus Antonius · 14-04-2022 05:02PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118927587#Comment_118927587

I can only speak from the male perspective but yes I'm sure it's just as bad both ways. What I don't get is the amount of time invested in texting back and forth only for it all to amount to nothing.

It's the wasted time that really gets me, not the rejection.

Katgurl · 14-04-2022 07:22PM

I'm confused by the initial ridiculous responses here, did this post start on AH then get moved?

Regardless OP, forget about him - he's not interested but don't take it personally. There is literally an infinite amount of reasons why he's not pushed about seeing you and only a tiny proportion of them have something to do with you.

He left you at a loose end with no apology or explanation. It's not good enough. Your time is precious, don't waste anymore on him.

14-04-2022 07:50PM

How you expect him to act when he really is busy?

How about when he's too tired for adate?

Would you expect him to tell you that he's busy?

Should he make up some excuse to get out of the date? Or should be honest and say he's tired?

Honestly, people don't help themselves at all. Always looking for the worst scenario. How about a little trust. It's only been 3 dates. This sounds like the first time he's done something like this. It would be completely different if he does it repeatedly

Hannibal_Smith · 14-04-2022 08:15PM

Mod Note

I'm taking it the OP had something in their opening post that others are replying to that was since edited out. Nonetheless I've deleted some posts that are below the standard expected here in PI/RI.

To those replying to the thread - going forward the Charter can be found here, please read it before posting. More importantly if you have no advice to offer that is mature, constructive and expressed in a civil way, move on to another thread.

HS

Ave Sodalis · 14-04-2022 08:41PM

After 3 dates, I think this isn't worth getting too worked up over, OP. People's lives can get busy and he genuinely might be tired. He's still chatting and initiating conversations. He arranged the rest of the dates. Up until now, he's been doing a lot of the heavy lifting. You wanted to arrange a date knowing he was busy and his schedule is all over the place and he couldn't commit to a time. He tried to accommodate by agreeing but then realised he couldn't for reasons he communicated. It happens. Could it be that he got cold feet? It's a possibility, sure. But it's a normal enough thing that it shouldn't raise any immediate red flags and definitely doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. What's worse; him agreeing to a time knowing he's busy and having to cancel because of his busyness, or him admitting his schedule is a little too mental for the near future to commit to a date? I don't know what his job is, but that's spring in a nutshell for a lot of careers, with many other careers also going through periods of craziness and lulls.

Jequ0n · 14-04-2022 09:20PM

Depends on what you got up to during those weeks and three dates. If it went nowhere and seems like it will be a continuous dragged out dating process without sex you shouldn’t be surprised that he might be keeping his options open.

On the other hand: I have cancelled and postponed dates when I was worn out or had to work late to meet deadlines. If someone caused drama or was sulking as a result I’d see that as a reason to drop them immediately. Only you will know what the dynamic has been until now, so hopefully you can resolve this without too much drama.

14-04-2022 09:32PM

he’s for some reason beyond bothering to make an effort. Genuine ill health, addiction, or couldn’t be bothered for other reasons and retreating. Nothing to do with YOU. All armchair folk will say “get out of it”, but human nature is human nature. Treat yourself kindly, edge out of the situation whilst creating an alternative strategy. Consider yourself as PRIORITY person here.

14-04-2022 10:16PM

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, this time.

Usually by thursday of the working week I'm knackered and just want my sofa and TV.

Or he could be having a crappy week and just isn't in the mood. Also allowed.

If he doesn't get in touch over the weekend, you probably want to rethink where this is going.

Don't take it personally. Some things just fizzle out and you never know whats going on in someone else's life.

Big Bag of Chips · 14-04-2022 10:17PM

Taking your post at face value I think you over reacted. Massively. I can have weeks that are a bit hectic so I won't commit to meeting up with someone or I'll be a bit vague about a day because I honestly can't make any plans due to other stuff going on. He told you he was busy. Before he started seeing you he had another life. Friends, family, commitments, hobbies, work etc. He now still has all that + you.

He hasn't arranged another date yet because he doesn't know when he's available. It's Easter weekend. He might have stuff on. Arranged with friends to go out. Arranged with family etc.

I don't understand why you are "raging" after one cancelled date that he made it clear from the beginning was unlikely to happen. He agreed because you insisted.

I think take a step back. It seems to have been going well. Just wait and see. But if you're raging, and have let him know that, I'd expect him to take a big step back and think if he needs drama in his life if he occasionally has to cancel for some reason.

skallywag · 15-04-2022 10:43AM

I mean this with the best genuine intentions, but you sound very precious OP. I think you need to get out of that mindset. He has cancelled a date, once, with what may very well be a valid reason. Do you never get tired? And yet you are now in a rage over it?

Rage is something best kept for when it's really warranted. Take a look around you, it is not hard to find some examples at the moment.

TheadoreT · 15-04-2022 01:58PM

There's a lot to unpack there OP. You seem to be attaching a lot of your self worth on simply not being rejected by someone you barely know. It's not fair on him or you, it's a lot of pressure. You haven't even stated any positive personality traits about him, it's purely centered around your obsession for (a more or less) strangers validation.

You also seem to have misguided notions that a guys interest levels are shown by always being the one to initiate texts or dates. The fact is most men have all the same feelings and insecurites as you in early dating. If you're waiting for him to always make the first move how do you think he feels about your interest levels or how precious you are? If this isn't fairly 50/50 I can tell you I wouldn't hang around either, life's not worth dealing with someone so caught up in mind games to be worried about sending a first text , a real confident woman doesn't care.

But honestly regardless of whether he's into you or not(he probably doesn't fully know or care after 3 dates), your meltdown is a little worrying OP. I think you should take some time out from dating all together and work on yourself. No man you've known for a second should have you questioning everything about yourself.

If you value your own worth higher than everything else, you won't be upset by minor setbacks and others will value you more in turn. Learn to treat these early encounters in the fun and breezy way they should be. Try to move away from all this constant intensity of "does he like me" , some will, some won't and that's perfectly normal. But try get yourself in the right mental frame of mind, so that when you do meet the right person that you don't self sabotage it. Take care.

Tork · 15-04-2022 10:33PM

Being in your head must be very tiring. At the start of the year, you posted here saying you felt like a failure because you hadn't managed to find a new boyfriend after a few months of being single. Then you tied yourself up in knots wondering did a lad in your class really fancy you and if he should do this and that to show you he was interested. Now this... You said in your first thread that you'd hardly ever been single since you were 16. I've said here before that I'm not a fan of young people getting themselves tied up in committed relationships at very young ages. It can stunt their evolution into fully formed adults. I think you're a prime example of somebody who would benefit enormously from staying single for a while and learning how to become an adult in your own right. You don't know how to be single because you've been tied up in relationships for large stretches of recent years. I think that is feeding into why you are so eager to get coupled to again. You're also putting an awful lot of your self-worth (and self-identity?) into being one half of a couple and you're coming across as a bit intense and needy. I wonder is that giving him pause for thought?

Besides that, it is Easter. When I was a student, I liked going home for a few days around this time. It was a good time to catch up with old friends who had generally come home for the break too. It was also one of the last chances to let my hair down before the final term and exam season kicked off. Maybe he had plans for the break, perhaps ones that hadn't been set in stone yet? It reads to me like he agreed to that date because you pushed him into it and that it didn't really suit him. You've only been on 3 dates with him so it's very early days.

If he likes you enough to continue seeing you, it'll happen. Trying to force the issue isn't going to make any real difference in the long run. If this is meant to develop into a relationship it will. If not, what's the worst that can happen?

Big Bag of Chips · 16-04-2022 09:17AM

betaband, a couple of other posters make very valid points. You are pinning all your worth on being in a relationship. On someone, who you barely know, dropping everything to spend time with you. If they don’t drop everything then the only possible explanation is you’re ugly and boring.

A relationship should complement your life. Slot in and enhance it a bit. Not become your life. If you are demanding of another person’s time and “raging” if their life gets in the way occasionally and they are not immediately available to you, or you consider any reschedule or change of plans as a sign they think you are ugly and boring you are going to have men walking away. It will be a self fulfilling prophecy. Nobody wants to deal with that level of pressure and drama. Especially in the early days, the days that should be relaxed and casual. So I guess you are not ugly and boring. But you are too focused on getting and keeping a man. You are totally focussed on being in a relationship. Unless you are happy with yourself you will never be happy in a relationship. And a fella who barely knows you cannot be expected to carry the responsibility of making you secure and happy. That has to come from you.

I think if you truly are “raging” over this you need to stay single a little while. Maybe work on yourself through counselling, finding hobbies you enjoy, building a life that you are happy in whether you have a boyfriends or not. And then when someone does come along you will slot them in to your life, but you will also have your own independent interests. So when he is carrying on his life, his other relationship/friendships and his interests you won’t be sitting at home raging and feeling ugly and boring because he’s chosen them over you. You’ll just realise that you are part of his life, rather than his entire life. And he will become part of your life, rather than your entire life.

radiotrickster · 16-04-2022 11:06PM

I had someone I was texting cancel our first date multiple times because they were too busy. It even happened once that it was an hour beforehand and they cancelled.

Something in me told me to be patient so I was, and when things got quieter for them we finally went out and have been together for five years now.

If you believe this person is worth it, keep with them. Give them some time and space, keep texting them but tell them to let you know when they’re free to meet again.

If you’re not convinced, cut your losses.

And either way, I’d work on your self-confidence so that if someone cancels a date, you don’t assume it’s because there’s something wrong with you. There’s a hundred reasons someone might cancel and not want to tell you at this point when dating so don’t worry about it.

zoobizoo · 17-04-2022 03:34PM

Have you ever gone on a date when you're really tired and not at your best?

I've texted someone in early days of dating and glad that they responded to say that they were disappointed that I was postponing. It made me realise that firstly they really wanted to meet and that I hadn't taken their feelings into account.

Another time I've sat through a date while exhausted..... yawning and not as quick and responsive as I'd normally be. I had to apologise, say that I was really tired and not at my best.

Sometimes it's just best to postpone.

Salient Verb · 09-05-2022 12:58PM

Well, if he can't be bothered to meet you, then if I were you OP, I'd just ignore him and not contact him any more and let him do the running. If he is keen on you then he will get back in touch and all will be well. But I'd take that cancellation as him saying he's not interested in a relationship or simply wants something casual (you did meet him on Tinder) and it would be up to him now to clarify his intentions. He could be setting you up for something casual by cancelling at the last minute or he could be a decent guy who is genuinely interested. Its up to him now.

betaband · 09-05-2022 08:01PM

Feel free to close folks.

My suspicions were right. He never apologised or rearranged. I stopped responding. He was trying to make me a "booty call", if you will. Least that's what I gathered from him texting "u up?" at 1.30am 2 days later. It's almost cliché 😂. Needless to say I've cut him off.

Fella I had been seeing cancelled last minute and I'm raging

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