Relationship advice

Bookworm34 · 07-03-2022 03:07PM #1

Hi all,

I'm going to try and keep this brief but any advice about my situation would be really helpful. I've been seeing a guy for about 11 weeks; we met at a singles event and he messaged me afterwards to meet up. From the moment we met up the first time, everything has been going well. We messaged lots and made plans to meet up mid week to do evening activities and we've spent most weekends together in the last couple of weeks. We have dined out for nice meals, hiked together and generally spent a lot of time in each other's company and it has been just so refreshing and lovely to have easy conversations, make each other laugh a lot and I'm able to be myself. Everything has felt effortless on my part compared to other relationships I've experienced. But unfortunately things have fallen down in the bedroom department and he has had his struggles, possibly ED to which he has tried to resolve.

Anyway I've found it really hard to come to the conclusion that this is it and that it is over. He think I'm being too kind and being selfish to myself for staying that I should want much more than I'm bargaining for. I would have finished it much earlier in other relationships and not really felt too bad. This time I'm absolutely gutted and upset at the thoughts of it not going any further as we are compatible in so many other ways. I don't really know how to proceed with my decision. Should I just walk away now? Am I missing something here?

Thanks

JustJoe7240 · 07-03-2022 03:20PM

Fallen down? Things have barely gotten going after 11 weeks.

Could be any number of issues, Nerves maybe? Has he had these issues before? His best bet is to speak to his GP. Although I appreciate that there's not a whole lot you can do if he's not playing ball. From my point of view, It's not a reason to walk away unless he's not willing to do anything about it, In which case I'd be walking also.

Bookworm34 · 07-03-2022 06:48PM

JustJoe7240,

Thanks for your response. The thing is I really don't want to walk away from it as we have had some great experiences together so far. He went to the GP and with medication he isn't very happy with the outcome. He thinks I'm mad to want to keep trying and that other people would have been gone long ago.

I've never been in this situation before. Am I innocent about it all?

tea and coffee · 07-03-2022 08:25PM

Ok, If it is genuine ED and not a porn addiction or other issue, then surely it arose (sorry) before now, and he would have been already addressing it rather than being "surprised " by it on starting your relationship. Was he already seeking treatment?

Also, ED isn't the death knell for a relationship. If you otherwise get on well, why does his ability to have penetrative sex spell the end? You can do other fun things in bed, and continue to enjoy the other aspects of your relationship as well, outside the bedroom.

Unless you're leaving something else out, I'm not seeing it, provided it's a genuine medical issue.

Bookworm34 · 08-03-2022 12:29AM

Thanks tea and coffee; I haven't spoken to close friends to seek out advice because of the sensitivity of the issue for him; which I believe is genuine. I appreciate the message. He eats well, doesn't consume a lot of alcohol and does quite a lot of outdoor activities very regularly. Not sure if porn has been an issue, has tried to address with GP but obviously hasn't got reassurance over his situation.

The only thing I'm not sure if I've mentioned is that he thinks I will be resentful if I stay with him in the long term and I think he is waiting for me to end things saying that I deserve someone better. Am I just naive and reading the situation wrong?

08-03-2022 01:08AM

A large number of issues can cause ED. You mentioned he’s not a big drink, which accounts for ED in some cases where the nervous system has been compromised by thiamine deficiency. Any neurological condition (eg even early or minimally symptomatic MS) can cause it, undiagnosed coeliac can be a factor, inflammatory bowel disease, diabetes etc. Diabetes can be notorious for nerve damage and many people are walking around not knowing they have it. Such conditions are not diagnosed for years in individuals. A spinal cord issue, like trapped nerves, can be responsible. Certain medications can do it, Of course psychological reasons are very much in there too.

Men are terrible about getting seen to by doctors, it’s often only when they are carted off on a stretcher that underlying conditions come to light. ED of itself isn’t a reason for any relationship to end, and I believe it’s much more common than is generally acknowledged. I would certainly try and persuade him, as nicely as possible, to get a thorough set of bloods ordered by GP or any of the private screening services. Only when the physical causes are ruled out that underlying psychological issues can be explored as the cause.

If it turns out that it’s not connected to any physical cause, then ye could think about a consultation with a psychiatrist who specialises in sexual issues.

notAMember · 08-03-2022 08:09AM

ED isn’t solved in one trip to the Gp. Tell him to go back again and keep adjusting until something works.

Liberty_Bear · 08-03-2022 04:21PM

ED has a wide range of causes. If the chemistry is there as you have mentioned then there should be a wide degree of latitude given by yourself to create an atmosphere conducive to discuss the matter. For most men its about confidence and it has happened to me on more than one occasion. I consume porn regularly but never rely on it for sexual gratification solely. I enjoy intimate relations else where. On some occasion I have used viagra if I wanted to keep myself going all night. For others there are other generic drugs available. There are also penile pumps which can be purchased online. Your BF may be on medications contributing to the ED. As notamember says above, go to the GP and work out something that works for you both. It would be shame to give up on something that may be great at this early juncture.

Thelonious Monk · 08-03-2022 05:24PM

You can just buy Viagra in a chemist these days with no prescription, problem solved, why hasn't he done that?

bitofabind · 08-03-2022 08:08PM

It sounds like he's down a rabbit hole with this and trying to push you away because it's doing a number on his self esteem. Try to have an honest conversation with him to make him see that this isn't a dealbreaker for you, you want to work through it and you like him for more than the physical aspects of the relationship.

sprucemoose · 08-03-2022 09:06PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118753092#Comment_118753092

Sounds like a previous relationship may have broken down due to ED too and he thinks this is just damage limitation

jimwallace197 · 08-03-2022 09:18PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118752179#Comment_118752179

Fully agree with this, so easy to get help with this nowadays & I highly doubt this problem just started with you. All you need is a 5 min consultation with a pharmacist & bobs your uncle.

Might be more of an intimacy issue, does he struggle to get close to you, show alot of affection, hugging, kissing that type of thing.

There could be unresolved issues also from his childhood, maybe even he was abused. But I seriously this problem started with you.

You'll need to show patience with this, as it doesnt look like its a diet or fitness issue, must be a psychological, emotional or self esteem issue.

TheTempest · 08-03-2022 09:35PM

Is there sexual chemistry between you otherwise? Does he satisfy you regardless of whether he keeps it up? If the answer is yes, then it's workable imo.

Stress can cause ED, and most likely (from what you've written) performance anxiety if this had happened in previous relationships. Porn and "death grip syndrome" can unfortunately cause ED too.

Viagra and certain supplements can help but probably not solve the root issue, whatever it is. It sounds like your really into each other so hope it works out.

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