Missing my child's holy communion

Sinead Mc1 · 03-02-2022 7:51am #1

Hi there.

Just looking for a bit of advice. I am expecting a baby in May. I also have 2 children who are due to make their holy communion.

I contacted the school to advice my due date and they said they would mention it to the priest before he makes a decision. I was also speaking to my child's teacher who asked would I prefer if it was before or after my due date, and I suppose I got my hopes up.

The priest sent an email to the parents last night to advice the date and it is the very weekend of my due date (couple of days after). Literally any other weekend would have been better!

I emailed the principal to ask did they mention it to him and they said they did indeed, both in email and in person. To be honest they seemed a bit surprised themselves. They suggested maybe we give the priest a call.

So we rang the priest. He was aware of our predicament but said "you'll never get a date that suits everyone". He didn't show much compassion to be honest and was very matter of fact.

The class is very small so I struggle to see how anyone else would have any issue, as unavoidable as mine anyway.

My heart is broken that I am potentially going miss my children's big day. My husband also suffers from epilepsy so I'm not sure how well he would manage on his own. It's already causing me a lot of stress. I'm just surprised that he didn't even contact me individually to say he did his best but it's the only date that suits etc..

He did, however, offer another date to my two individually if they couldn't make it on the day.

It honestly feels like this date has been picked on purpose! I'm really struggling with how to feel about this.

Should I just suck it up or have I a right to feel hard done by?

Fighting Tao · 03-02-2022 8:21am

Even if it’s scheduled a week or 2 either side, you may miss it. Due dates are estimates. Some babies are born early, some later. Alternative dates have been offered, albeit without the rest of the class, and it might be worth checking if you can change to those dates at the last minute if required.

It’s not the other families that have to agree on a date, the priest has to fit it into the church schedule, and the priest may be stretched between parishes due a severe decline in the number of priests at the moment. His hands maybe tied on what dates are possible and it may even be an instruction from his superior.

Sinead Mc1 · 03-02-2022 8:29am

Hi Fighting Tao,

Thanks so much for commenting. I guess I probably got my hopes up as the school kind of gave me the impression that something could be done.

If the above is true, and his hands were tied with the date, it would have been great if he said so. But he didn't. He was very matter of fact and didn't offer any explanation to why there is no flexibility just more or less said that is the way it is.

Definitely would have made me feel a little better if he had shown a little bit more compassion but I know he doesn't really have to either.

Deeec · 03-02-2022 8:40am

The priest sounds very unhelpful. He has no understanding of the extra stress he is putting you under or the pressure a new baby brings to a house.

My only advice is to have everything ready for the communion and have other family members on standby to help your husband should you be in hospital or be at home with a newborn. It is a tough one but remember to put you and the baby first. The kids will be fine - the excitement of a new brother or sister will actually be more important than the communion to them.

Take care and don't worry - all will work out fine.xx

Sinead Mc1 · 03-02-2022 9:21am

Thanks for your kind words Deeec x

Big Bag of Chips · 03-02-2022 6:10pm

It is extremely unlikely that you will go on your due date. Your baby is likely to be up to a week-10 days late. Or even a few weeks early.

Communions are usually held in May, and as explained the priest might be fitting it around other parishes. The school should not have given you false hope, but I suppose all they did was say they'd mention it to the priest. Which they did.

Unless the communion was postponed until Mid-late June there's always going to be the chance you'll miss it, whatever date in May is picked. You could have the baby a week early, need a section and still be recovering. I think you just need to accept that the date is fixed now and work with that. Hoping for the best. What will be will be and stressing over it now will only upset you all when there's nothing really you can do about it. The priest will not change the date.

Milly33 · 10-02-2022 3:15pm

Perhaps it is time to maybe make a back up plan for just incase you cannot be there. Have a list ready for your other half so he/she knows what needs to be done. I can kinda see where the priest and school are coming from as you cannot keep everyone happy. More than likely as all say you will not go on the due date either so dont be stressing about it

10-02-2022 3:24pm

Anything could happen in any family OP that might make attending communion difficult when the time comes. In fairness to the priest he can’t please everyone- I think it’s an unrealistic ask. Even if he agreed with you, nature may play things differently

you might find this date a “blessing in disguise”- maybe you’ll be a week early or a week late- whatever you do don’t stress it- it sounds like you’ve a lot on your plate- prime your children as to what “might” happen on the day if you cannot make it and have your plan b ready to roll - best of luck

Princess Calla · 10-02-2022 3:36pm

To be honest I'd say the priest's heart is broke each year over stuff like this. Especially after the last 2 years when communions and confirmations were scheduled , cancelled, scheduled, cancelled.

Would it be possible to talk to your hospital consultant and see if you can get the pregnancy induced on a certain day. I know people who have done this admittedly for more serious personal reason, but it might be an option.

DoctorEdgeWild · 10-02-2022 3:47pm

I'd say fair play to the priest for offering another suitable date for them (never thought I'd be defending a priest on here!!)

From reading it, and I absolutely don't know you, I think you are over reacting a bit? (but I can only imagine the stress of a pregnancy, you're literally making a life!!, so I'm definitely not judging you! 😀)

SouthWesterly · 10-02-2022 3:49pm

The priest has other things to be doing apart from communions. He probably also has weddings scheduled on other weekends.

What if the baby was born on the rescheduled date? Should he postpone that as well?

Would you like him to postpone other people's events for you?

As much as you'd like to be there, it's not all about you.

10-02-2022 3:49pm

'It honestly feels like this date has been picked on purpose! I'm really struggling with how to feel about this.

Should I just suck it up or have I a right to feel hard done by?'

I think you're being overly sensitive here, and the priest has offered another date for your two if they don't get it with everyone else. Pretty ok I would think.

Pistachio19 · 10-02-2022 3:54pm

What would be your plan for the day itself - meal out, food at home, lots of guests or just a few close relatives? If you had hoped for an extended family gathering with kids aunts/uncles cousins, etc, I'd just arrange a pared back event for the day itself. Maybe just have grandparents/godparents for a meal out and then later in the summer have a gathering. Being heavily pregnant or just after having the baby isn't going to be pleasant either way if hosting a lot of people. It will also take any pressure off your husband having to host lots of people if you happen to be in hospital. There's nothing to say you have to celebrate it on the actual day. Our sons was held during restrictions so we didn't invite anyone as it wasn't fair to prioritise one member of the family over another. We had a lovely meal out with just the 5 of us and he got to choose a nice present for himself instead so he was happy.

While the priest may have come across as insensitive, I don't think he really needs to factor in people's family circumstances when deciding on dates. Otherwise he'd be inundated with requests to change the date. Its hardly feasible. The date set may be worked around weddings that are booked or other parish communions for example.

Xterminator · 10-02-2022 4:00pm

So the priest did offer your children to have their communion on several alternate days, if you were unable to attend. Why i that not a satisfactory offer? if your child getting their 1st communion is the paramount objective then that would work, no? It appears he was going the extra mile to me.

Did you really want him to change the date of an entire class of children to suit 1 parent? what about the parents who don't like the new date? Reschedule the rescheduled date? he has limited dates available and multiple classes to arrange for. changing dates for one class might impct another class of children too!!

OP If he offers to reschedule this for every parent with a genuine reason, for every class he gives 1st communion to, no one would ever actually get their communion. Now i understand your worries, but there is still a good chance you can attend the mass, and if its not possible he you can go to the alternate mass.

surely if you are a person of faith you will put this in the hands of god and accept his will?

Big Bag of Chips · 11-02-2022 3:23pm

I think that's a bit unfair Xterminator. A child's communion is an occasion. It's an event. They prepare with their friends and its a day for the community. Being left out of the occasion (and the group photo) and having the day separately would be a very last resort, and a less preferable option for most children.

I still remember my communion day, with my entire class, and I still have the photos, with my class, with my teacher, with my best friends.

Of course if something happens an alternate date is the only option, but it is not ideal. Especially for the child.

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 4:57pm

Would it be the end of the world if you missed it?

My daughter is making hers and I'm not going. It is not because I love her any less, I just have absolutely no interest in it. Her mam will go to the church with her and then we are bringing her out for the day and letting her decide where to go.

Your priority should be your well being and your new baby, not some mass that will be long forgotten.

Princess Calla · 11-02-2022 6:28pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118616673#Comment_118616673

Being a parent is doing things you have no interest in doing.

Communion, confirmation, school graduation, college graduation, wedding are all massive milestone events in your child's life.

There's a massive difference between not being present due to outside circumstances and not being present because you're not arsed.

Put your big boy pants on and suck it up....it's your child's day not yours.

11-02-2022 6:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617071#Comment_118617071

Unless his child is extremely religious, what difference does it make?

They might be big deals in your children's life, not all kids are the same. School graduation or college graduation? Would mean zero to me or anyone in my family.

Princess Calla · 11-02-2022 6:54pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617167#Comment_118617167

It's about parents participating and taking an active interest in your life the good and bad.

That poster already has a thread going that his daughter is being left out of birthday parties.....if it's a case that she's being bullied his absence at the church will be prime fodder to the Queen B of the bullying ring.....why set your kid up for that?

newaccount2017 · 11-02-2022 7:04pm

You sound like you think the world revolves around you and your family. Reality check: It doesn't.

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 7:15pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617071#Comment_118617071

Her mam is taking her. Did you not read that bit?

As another poster said maybe it's important to you but I'm not going to force religion on anyone especially my children. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if she told me she didn't want to do it.

Mech1 · 11-02-2022 7:18pm

Send the kid and support adults to the event if you can't make it. It will still be great without you. If you want to then organise a party later in the year that you can attend. the child will be well happy with the full attention of a couple of aunts and uncles in place of you.

I'm not trying to be hard on you I understand your situation and respect your wish to be there, but you have more important things to attend to.

It will probably not be the day of birth anyway so keep planning.

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 7:21pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617239#Comment_118617239

Is this comment for me?

newaccount2017 · 11-02-2022 7:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617314#Comment_118617314

No.

11-02-2022 7:26pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617314#Comment_118617314

I would imagine it's for the OP

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 7:38pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617335#Comment_118617335

I think the OP should not be getting stressed out about it especially when carrying a baby. The date might work out but no harm done if it doesn't.

Danzy · 11-02-2022 7:38pm

The Priest went over and above duty.

I think your hormones are having an impact on your thinking.

I mean that respectfully.

lawred2 · 11-02-2022 7:42pm

I'd say suck it up OP

Ginger83 · 11-02-2022 7:47pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617203#Comment_118617203

I take an interest in all aspects of her life but draw the line at religion. We all have our beliefs so I'm happy for her that her mother is taking her.

Green Finers · 11-02-2022 7:49pm

If the communion means that much to you can you not do it at a later or earlier date privately with the priest?

Let your kid receive the sacrament after Sunday Mass? Arrange a date and time to do it solo with the priest. Should be fine but expect to make a donation to the parish in lieu.

Allinall · 11-02-2022 7:53pm

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118617417#Comment_118617417

Is your daughter happy you’re not going, or is she disappointed?

Thats the important question.

Missing my child's holy communion

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