Help to escape toxic relationship

Curious_Case · 15-12-2021 02:36AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118110270#Comment_118110270

I don't think she feels harassed though, she invited him to stay.

But you're right, it could be used again him.

Tell me how · 15-12-2021 02:47AM

I would like advice on how to stop craving a connection with her.

Separate, entirely.

Entirely.

15-12-2021 03:02AM

Being love bombed feels great. The ups and downs can feel like love. "Why else would I have such strong feelings if I didn't love her?" crops up constantly. But it isn't love. You can't nurture it into something better.

Jequ0n · 15-12-2021 08:21AM

She is clearly emotionally unbalanced and has probably an undiagnosed condition, which means that there is zero chance of anything ever changing unless she decides it needs changing. That doesn’t mean she is crazy, she is just very unstable by the sounds of it.

And sorry OP, you are not much better.You aren’t really trying to get away, because here you are again trying to understand her motivations for blowing so hot and cold.

She will keep reaching out when she needs you, not when she wants you. She will also push you away again, when you have filled that void because she doesn’t actually want you in her life. You are in a way doing the same thing by letting her define your happiness and self worth. Your continuous emotional dependence on her is clearly showing by the speed by which you returned to her fold as soon as she reached out.

No, I don’t think either of you are crazy, but you are both toxic for each other and are sabotaging each other as a consequence.

Maybe have a think about how your councillor phrased it when you understood “she clearly still has feelings for you”, and discuss this with them, because I very much doubt they meant to encourage you to re-heat this drama.

Goodigal · 15-12-2021 08:25AM

For your own sake, cease the interactions with this woman. Don't go to dinner with her ever again. Don't engage in this dramatic on/off behaviour where she gets to destroy the little bit of self esteem you tried to build up in her absence. Start over - without her.

Tork · 15-12-2021 08:36AM

So why didn't you delete her number from your phone and block her everywhere? You don't come across as somebody who wants to move on from this drama. There's a pair of you in this and in your own ways, you're both as bad as one another. Does it matter if she has feelings for you or not? There are couples out there who love each other but are a disaster when put together. Do you actually want to solve this? It doesn't look like you do.

Hannibal_Smith · 15-12-2021 08:41AM

Your counsellor told you to stick with her? Have you told your counsellor everything you've posted here, including the punching part?

You're caught in a vicious circle with her totally controlling the spin. You break up, she pulls you back in when she's feeling needy , you tell her you're just mates, she ups the drama to get you to come running, it works. It is going to continue like this until you cut her off completely.

You don't owe her anything. She clearly has other people in her life that she can rely on. There's no reason to subject yourself to a relationship like this any longer. It's effected you to the point you left work for fear you were going to have a panic attack.

Remember the days you got your life back and felt in control, how good that felt. Aim for that and remember a life with her NEVER brought you it.

Oh, and as others have said- find a new counsellor. There is a thread here in the Psychology Forum on how to find a counsellor/therapist which usually might find useful.

icnsprtsjrsys · 15-12-2021 09:26AM

To be honest, she seems like a bit of a freak. But you love her, and that’s hard to ignore. You need to actually have a proper sit down with her when ye are both stable and lay everything down on the table, and talk about where you both want things to go. If it ends in another one of her tantrums then you just need to end things completely.

Dial Hard · 15-12-2021 01:08PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118323734#Comment_118323734

Did you actually read the entire thread, including the update? This woman is downright dangerous and the OP is utterly addicted to her. The entire situation is completely toxic and there is nowhere for "things to go" except even more wrong.

Jequ0n · 15-12-2021 02:27PM

@Dial Hard

“This woman is downright dangerous and the OP is utterly addicted to her.”

Downright dangerous? Toxic and a mind **** for sure, but dangerous is a bit over the top.

There is two of them in this

Sonic the Shaghog · 15-12-2021 05:45PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118323443#Comment_118323443

The reason I'm saying it is I was in a similar situation at 21 and when I look back I'm face palming that I put up with what was clearly a mentally unstable person and their actions. The problem was I'd zero relationship experience. Not only that but a dose of will I get anyone else so maybe this might work if I hang on.

Have you had many girlfriends? Is she incredibly good looking or you feel you won't be able get someone else?

As anyone with a healthy outlook would know they'll be destroyed dealing with someone toxic like this and would send her packing.

As an aside too she's using you for free food, c'mon man.

SunnySundays · 15-12-2021 08:26PM

She is insane.

Your counsellor is insane.

Anyone who says you should fo anything else insane.

You need to cut contact completely before you go insane too.

Seriously, you really need a new counsellor. It will get easier and a good, reputable, qualified counselor will help you with this.

JoChervil · 15-12-2021 09:43PM

I don't know, if she is crazy or you are driving her crazy but the end result is horrible, so it really doesn't matter, who is the guilty party here. Your interaction is toxic, so it is up to you, if you want to continue this.

bottlebrush · 16-12-2021 12:12AM

I think if you are going to look for a new counsellor, try and find one who deals with recovery from narcissistic abuse and in the meantime maybe do some research yourself on the topic.

Wondering2020 · 16-12-2021 01:01AM

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with the vast majority if posters here and say that she is just not that into you. Judging from her comments about the way you speak it sounds like there are things about you that really irritate her but she's tried to make the best of things despite what she doesn't like about you. It sounds like she does love you but knows its not enough or what she will be happy with if she ends up with you but still doesn't want to let go. I would take some of the things she says on board and work on them if you really want to be with her. If you can't or don't want to do that then cut contact completely and find someone who appreciates you for who you are now, as you are. I doubt your counsellor said what they did without a reasonable context and I'm sure you know that yourself. Labelling her as 'unstable'or whatever is placing the responsibility or blame on her rather than your reaction to her which you shouldn't be having. You are a big part of the problem as she told you what she thinks about you yet you're still looking for her acceptance or approval which you will never get when you're just not a good fit. It doesn't mean she's unstable, just maybe that she loves a lot about you but the things that don't sit right with her are a huge problem.. maybe that's what your counsellor was trying to say. I had a boyfriend who spoke about his ex in that way and knew immediately where she was coming from, although he labelled her a psycho. My advice is to cut ties as you're just not a good match. Best of luck.

16-12-2021 01:31AM

I agree with the above poster, there's obviously more to the story than we will ever know but it comes across to me as a narcissistic narrative which aims to personally validate you via support from anonymous people on a message board who have no problem confirming that this woman is insane, mentally unstable and emotionally damaged. Which is probably what you want to hear, that's some serious dopamine reward behaviour.

She is obviously not complying with your needs, wants or desires and I guess that's her fault. Comments such as "she just pulled me back in" suggest that your helpless and have no control over your own actions. Maybe it's just easier to blame someone else for them.

You have admitted inviting yourself to places where she has been and then not understanding why it ended in an argument. There appears to be a lot of mixed messaging going on and I suspect this started out as a casual relationship and most likely was never going to develop into anything more lasting or mature into a loving and healthy partnership.

If you have difficulty letting go for your own sake, do it because you are mature enough to admit that you will never be able to love her in a way that she needs to be either. Then get on with your life.

rainbowtrout · 16-12-2021 01:46AM

OP, you said she blocked you and unblocked you 10 times, and suggest that you have no control in the situation, that she controls you. You choose this drama. There is no mention of you blocking her. Block her number, delete her social media. No good can ever come of this situation. It is never going to improve. You went for dinner which finished with a screaming match and the following night you went back for more. Until you block her permanently this situation will never change.

Taking at face value the quote from your counsellor about your ex having feelings for you. If this was indeed what was said, then you need a new counsellor. I find it hard to believe that's what she said, but we don't have all the detail.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-12-2021 10:50AM

She knew she'd need a lift home from the airport, and she knew if she said a few sweet things to you you'd be her free taxi, and take her out for dinner while you're at it.

When she got what she wanted she then dumped you.

She then fancied another dinner wtih you paying, so was sweet again for a while.

When she got what she wanted she dumped you again.

She's using you for her own benefit everytime.

She will not stop until you stop it. She wasn't interested when you were chasing her. When she realised her ego boost was pulling away she pulled you back in. You are doing right by going away for a few days and removing her ability to contact you. Your counsellor, if your account is correct, is being totally inappropriate. If she works as part of a group I would be reporting her "advice". If she's not I would just directly tell her that you don't feel you are gaining any benefit and she is indeed encouraging you down a damaging path as such you will not be returning to her.

It's not your job to fix this girl. It's not your counsellor's job to get you to fix this girl. You need to look after yourself. You had started that path, but got dragged off it by a manipulator. Get back on it, and don't veer. This girl doesn't want to ever be your gf. She has told you. All her "when he live in Portugal" "when I take you to Bali" (she can't even go out for a normal dinner with you, she's not taking you to Bali) is just being said to manipulate. You must know this.

Take time away this weekend. In the meantime, don't answer calls, block her social media. You are not living any sort of life while you allow this one to control you. You are not in a position to meet anyone normal, and have a mutually respectful and loving relationship. You'll never get it from this one.

"insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"

anndub · 17-12-2021 08:39AM

This girl has a serious mental disorder. You're not qualified to help her and if you don't put in some boundaries she will destroy you.

Did you check this counsellors qualifications? It's very easy to set up a counselling business in Ireland without only minimal qualifications. You really need to be checking they're accredited by and registered with the appropriate authorities. I wouldn't be returning to her. It's professional misconduct to encourage you to return to an abusive situation. Make a formal complaint and find a new therapist.

Wombatman · 17-12-2021 05:08PM

Stop projecting the problem onto her or it will never be solved. I'd don't care if she is sane, insane or a 30 ft gorilla. She is a dangerous life destroying drug that you need to stop taking full stop.

Don't see her, speak to her, text her, be in a 100 meter radius of her. Don't have any contact with her. Delete her number. Block her on all apps. Don't talk to anybody about her. She doesn't exist. Learn to stop yourself thinking about her. Problem solved.

You break these rules you deserve each other. You are an alcoholic. She is drink. You should hear the empty promises drink makes to an alcoholic. Stop drinking.

Unreg for RI · 18-12-2021 12:16AM

Thanks for the replies.

I will read and respond to all on Sunday.

TheadoreT · 18-12-2021 10:45AM

It sounds like the perfect storm of her being so insecure that she needs the regular validation that you're madly in love with her, and you being so insecure that you'll accept all the horrible treatment and provide her what she wants. She then bins you and rinse repeat.

The worrying part here is that your delusions are so deep that if at some point in the future you try to move on you can tell she could pull you back in very easily with a bit of attention. You need to let go of any thoughts that her contacting you is her lingering feeling for you, it's not. Her respect levels for you are sub zero.

As above, you need to treat this addiction very seriously as your behaviour is becoming very problematic. Addicts do erratic things, and you've moved into stalker territory, don't let this escalate any further.

And don't feel the need to box her off into some psycho category to explain her behaviour. You both just need to find self worth through none toxic means. She can't be happy either and you're ultimately dragging each other down.