Help to escape toxic relationship

Unreg for RI · 31-10-2021 07:49PM #1

This might be a long post.

I have been on and off with my ex girlfriend for 2 years. I'm in my 30's. She has treated me badly from the start but I can't get enough of her. I really love her. She breaks up with me. We don't speak for a few weeks or months and then I initiate contact again. We start to talk and get on great then when we start spending time together in person it's a disaster. Loads of drama. Disrespect from both sides. She's cheated on me. Broke up with me so she can go away for a week with her ex boyfriend. She's never told me she loves me. Barely told me she likes me. She 'let's' me back into her life to see if I am good enough or have changed enough. Before her I have had normal relationships. If you told me 2 years I would put up with this nonsense I would of never believed you. If she rang me now and said let's get back together I would jump at the chance and be over the moon.

This latest time has really affected my mental health. I've been acting crazy. I am very overwhelmed and suffering with intrusive thoughts. I can't get her out of my mind. It's been constant. All day and all night. I went to her house uninvited. I've been calling her constantly. I went to the pub I knew she was in last night uninvited. As soon as I walked in I wanted to leave and she saw me. I told her I should go but she said you're here now you may as well stay. The night ended in a big blazing row and I can't even remember what started it.

I attended two counselling sessions before but didn't really like it. I intend to find a new counsellor tomorrow and go to a few sessions this week.

What I'm looking for here is advice or your experience with this. Tell me there is light at the end of the tunnel and I will be able to move on once and for all. Even as I write this I am thinking if I go to counselling and sort myself out maybe in the future we'll be happy. I want to get this idea out of my head. She's been very clear she doesn't want to talk to me ever again. Doesn't want me in her life. She always says this when we break up but somehow we end up back together. Why does she keep letting me back into her life? Why do I keep going back?

pgj2015 · 31-10-2021 08:32PM

I was with someone exactly like her, on off relationship for 2 years or more. she would break up with me at christmas and for my birthday so she wouldn't have to get me a present, total me feiner, always picking fights with me, would talk badly about me to her friends(a partner is supposed to have your back). We had 1 row too many and we went our separate ways. It probably took about 3 months but around that time I looked back on it with clearer vision and was really thankful she wasn't in my life anymore. She tried to get back into my life around a year and a half later and she wanted to be friends but I told her that wasn't going to happen. Haven't heard from her in around 5 years now.

You ex sounds awful, you are better off without her. Just throw yourself into hobbies, hanging out with friends etc for the next couple of months and then 1 day you will be over her. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

MissShihTzu · 31-10-2021 08:33PM

Why indeed?

Look OP - this girl has made it very, very plain she doesn't want you. Not on a permanent basis. You're just a plaything to her, to be picked up when she gets bored and tossed aside when something better turns up.

What is it about her, that keeps you going back? Why are you feeding her ego and creating drama for yourselves by constantly calling and turning up to her house? You're lucky she hasn't yet called the Gards to have you arrested for stalking and harassment...

Sadly, you're NOT going to be happy if you just 'sort yourself out'. Not with this lady. Please, get another therapist , get a handle on this and sort yourself out for YOU. YOU'RE the important one here. NOT this lady.

31-10-2021 08:42PM

"plaything" is the operative for you in the above narrative OP.

Unreg for RI · 31-10-2021 09:22PM

Thanks for the replies. @pgj2015 it's silly but I take comfort that you said it took about 3 months. 3 months I can live with.

@MissShihTzu I wish I knew what it was that keeps sending me back. On paper we're perfect for each other. On paper you wouldn't think it would be possible for 2 people to be so well matched but the reality is I don't think we ever had even one week without a massive drama.

I don't know why I'm constantly calling or showing up at her house. I think I'm suffering badly with anxiety at the moment. I've never really had mental health issues or behaved like this. I don't have a great support system in place and due to work and my living situation I spend a lot of time alone and struggle to meet my friends due to my schedule. This is something I need to prioritize for a while.

I'm aware that my fantasy of us working our crap out and loving happily ever after is deluded. I'm trying to figure out how to get this out of my head. I know it's not true but my mind keeps bringing me back to it.

On the hunt for a new therapist tomorrow. Things went too far last night and I'm taking action.

Caranica · 31-10-2021 10:02PM

Please stop calling her, messaging her and trying to see her. That's harassment and could get you in a lot of trouble.

I don't understand why your thread is asking how to escape the relationship, no relationship exists? I'm not condoning her behaviour but as a woman your post actually scares me.

31-10-2021 10:10PM

What are you getting out of this 'relationship ' exactly OP?

It's like self abuse.

Block her on social media, delete her number, delete all conversations you have together. Every time you want to get in touch, slap your hand, or snap an electric band on your wrist, throw some water in your face. Anything else.

You will get over it eventually

Investigative reports · 31-10-2021 10:56PM

Sounds like she's making you act out of character in a bad way. She sounds like she is very exploitative. Just cut it dead.

Thelonious Monk · 31-10-2021 11:18PM

I went out with someone who was constant drama and embarrassment in public when I was younger. It was interspersed with what they call love-bombing so I would be up and down all the time. It's like a heavy drug addiction.

You'll get out of it sooner or later, and you'll never look back, but I feel your pain as I've been there. Don't let this relationship reflect who you think you are, you're probably not nuts at all, sometimes these horrible people and relationships just make you feel like you are. I've gone out with lots of wonderful women since and there has never been any drama at all, I haven't even raised my voice to anyone since, years and years later.

Tork · 01-11-2021 11:51AM

Why does she keep letting me back into her life?

It's pretty clear why she keeps letting you back into her life. It's because (1) You let her and (2) She gets some sort of enjoyment or ego boost out of messing you around.

This woman isn't a nice person or a good person. People with any shred of decency at all don't do things like what she has. You can be sure that she holds you in very low regard and doesn't respect you. The word "plaything" was mentioned upthread and I think that's a fine description of what you are to her. You're somebody she can toy around with for a while, then drop when she gets bored. And when the opportunity for another round of same comes along, there you are. Ready and willing to take part in this circus.

Maybe you need to talk to a therapist but therapy is no magic bullet. You can talk to somebody all you want but the only person who can put an end to this is you. I've seen a couple of posters mention "Finding your anger" here recently and I think this is an issue it could be applied to. Instead of what you're doing now - believing you're powerless to resist this woman- why not get angry. Why aren't you saying "How dare she treat me like this?". At the moment you're mad at yourself more than you are at her. You're clearly addicted to the trauma bonding that's going on here and you've got to break that cycle. In an ideal world, you would cut all contact with her and block her phone number/social media etc. But if you've gone down the road of going to her house and can probably guess where she socialises, it's trickier to cut the cord.

The good news is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have people in my life who walked away from car crashes like this and are now in happy, stable relationships. It can be done but you have to want it.

AmberKat · 02-11-2021 09:24AM

Let's be honest here there are 2 of you in this. I don't understand all these people calling her horrible, it's possible but it's more likely there is poor behaviour on both sides.

If we flip the script and tell it from her perspective, "ex boyfriend keeps randomly appearing where I am, he's a good guy but we just aren't suited. We always end up fighting and he causes scenes and drama eveytime we are out. Everytime we break up I say that's it! Never again. But then he swears he's changed or just turns up and it all happens again." Pretty scary position for her.

You showed up uninvited to her night out with friends and as if that wasn't bad enough you then made it all about you guilt tripping her saying "oh I should go". You can't even remember why you had a blazing row!

We've all been there, we've all fallen for someone who for whatever reason brings put the worst in us. But you admit you are the one chasing after her everytime.

So stop doing it.

I know easier said than done. But you know it's what you need to do. I think it would be much easier if you didn't feel so socially isolated. The good news there is that you probably just need to reach out to friends to ask for help.

However 100% make sure to talk to a professional as you need to figure out why you keep trying to force this relationship.

bucketybuck · 02-11-2021 09:47AM

Summary of the OP, she has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be with you but you keep turning up to her house and events uninvited.

I think some people are reflexively blaming the woman here but I'm not really seeing that, I suspect her side of the story would not be pretty for the OP.

OP, you need to stay the hell away from her. Not only because you are never going to get your head clear unless you stop stirring the pot, but also because if you keep this up you are going to have one of those rows or incidents that leaves you in some serious trouble.

Its a cliche but its true, you need to delete her number, block her on everything, stop picking at the scab and tough it out for a few months until she stops being your sole focus.

Unreg for RI · 02-11-2021 09:03PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118099518#Comment_118099518

I don't want the relationship to exist. I want to get her out of my head. I started the thread looking for advice on how to stop allowing myself to be sucked back in. I'm sorry my post scares you but I think you could be projecting onto the situation. She has definitely been the one in control. I am not a danger to her. I left out a lot of unnecessary details.

Unreg for RI · 02-11-2021 09:16PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118100944#Comment_118100944

Thanks everyone for their replies. Tork something you said stood out. Anyone with a shred of decency wouldn't do this. You are right. I am a decent person and she isn't. I don't want someone like her in my life. The fantasy I have of her if she'll just get better/grow up a bit/start to see me/forgive me etc etc isn't true and never will be. I realise I have been trying to fix her since I met her. Look after her, help her grow and mature. This has obviously been filling a need inside myself to feel like a saviour or her father or something.

I know what I need to do. I need to cut her off totally and move on but I am struggling. I was ok yesterday but this morning I woke up very anxious. For a good hour I was in a bad way. At the time I 'knew' if I just text her everything would be ok. These thoughts and anxiety are new for me.

Does anyone have an experience or tips on how to deal with these anxious feelings I describe? I'm not sure if anxious is even the right word. I woke up and thought about her as I normally would, then as I woke up properly I remembered we wern't talking anymore. I started panicking. I got up and made a coffee but didn't want it. Then drove to the shop for a coffee as driving always calms me. I sat in the car drinking the coffee for 15 mins resisting the urge to text her.

As I said these behaviours are new to me. I know I'm not going crazy. I know this will pass and I'm just a bit overwhelmed but in the moment I don't think like that. I have gone away for a few days to surf and recover. My energy levels are quite low as I'm recovering from covid so I'm sure that is adding to the way I am feeling. I am working on being mindful and reseting myself. Going back to the level I was at before I met her. I am seeing a counsellor on Friday. Hopefully they will give me a few tips to get me through the rough patches. In the next few weeks I have a pre planned quiet patch with little work. I think if I decide to fill my calendar and go back to work I will bounce back quicker but I don't think it will solve the issues this has brought up. Does anyone have thoughts on this?

JoChervil · 02-11-2021 09:22PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118109154#Comment_118109154

I don't think anyone on boards can help you. If you want to get her out of your head, you need to seek professional help. Discussing it with you here will only keep this situation alive, while you need to fade it out, to focus on something else. Would you talk with an alcoholic about alcohol?

Beatty69 · 02-11-2021 10:31PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118109154#Comment_118109154

Ah stop OP, go back and read the original post again. You are not dragged back in, you consistently contact her without any encouragement, you've admitted it!

And then turn up somewhere uninvited. Yeah, she didn't tell you to f off but that's only sympathy.

Stop fooling yourself and telling lies, you're the one putting yourself back there.

JoChervil · 02-11-2021 11:06PM

OP no-one needs fixing, we all need acceptance for our shortcomings and encouragement to improve and grow. No-one is perfect. "The fixer" usually brings toxicity into a relationship by constantly putting "damaged" person down.

You need to find out, why you can't accept yourself fully in all your humanity. And need a perfect partner. I am afraid that you will keep changing counsellors, because they will sooner or later touch this subject, which you don't want to know.

Caranica · 02-11-2021 11:44PM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118109154#Comment_118109154

We can only comment based on the details you posted. I can assure you that I'm not projecting anything, you've admitted to harassing her. Regardless of what she's done, that's wrong. If she calls the Gardai they're not going to listen to your list of how badly you've been treated, they're going to see calls, messages and you turning up where she is. That's harassment and stalking and that's what can get you charged. Infidelity isn't a crime, harassment is.

Tork · 03-11-2021 01:25AM

As you can see, there are differing opinions here. I agree with the view that there's a pair of you in it, though I still fall down on the side of her being awful. Maybe I'm projecting because I have people in my life who got addicted to the rollercoaster that is on-off, toxic relationships. At times I felt like locking them in a room and throwing away the key until they came to their senses. One recurring theme that might help you stay away is the harassment angle. Nobody here knows what the tipping point for your ex is. She probably doesn't know either but the time may come. Maybe she's OK with getting unasked for attention from you at the moment. Perhaps she even enjoys it? But, there is no guarantee that she won't change her viewpoint and go to the guards. Maybe that's a bit fantastical but it'd be foolish to rule it out completely.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-11-2021 08:21AM

I woke up and thought about her as I normally would, then as I woke up properly I remembered we wern't talking anymore. I started panicking. I got up and made a coffee but didn't want it. Then drove to the shop for a coffee as driving always calms me. I sat in the car drinking the coffee for 15 mins resisting the urge to text her.

This is all you, OP. She played no active part in this episode. There is no magic solution here. It’s just going to have to be will power. You regularly turn up where she is. That’s not spur of the moment, moment of weakness. It takes time to leave your house, make your way to where she is, go in, stay etc. All along that path you have multiple opportunities to not carry on. But you choose to.

You need to block her number, block her social media, delete her number and go cold turkey. Have you other friends? Can you ask for their support in helping to stay away by distracting you. By being available for a phone call when you feel like calling her. If your relationship was terrible, they’ll know about it, and want to keep you away from it.

You want her to be the one to put a stop to your behaviour. You're looking for her to stop "letting you back into" her life. You have to be the one to do that. You have to be the one to stop putting yourself back into her life. You can't hand her the power. Or worse, you can't lay the blame at her feet for actions that are only yours. That's too easy a cop out. Because then it's all her fault, not yours.

Definitely find a counsellor you click with. But a counsellor isn't going to give you a magic solution. It still comes down to you.

Goodigal · 03-11-2021 08:31AM

You sound like you are addicted to her, to the drama and the ups and downs of wanting her and rejecting her and vice versa. Speaking to a professional about coping mechanisms for ending this is a good start.

As others have said, delete her number and block social media contact can help too. Good luck closing this chapter of your life and finding someone out there who is good for you.

Princess Calla · 03-11-2021 09:01AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118109234#Comment_118109234

Firstly no one needs to be "fixed" if you feel your partner needs to be "fixed" they are not the right person for you. In my mind anyone who says they are trying to "fix" someone is trying to control them.

The end of a relationship can sometimes be like a bereavement and some of the stuff you described here sounds like it. The waking up fine, then the sudden realization that they are not part of your life anymore etc. So you may need to work through the stages of grief.

Like others have said you need to cut all contact with this person. I agree with the other poster that says your actions are scary....you may counter it by saying there's a back story when to be perfectly frank, no one will really care about the back story they will care about your actions i.e relationship ended and you persisted to arrive at her house, on nights out etc that's absolutely bonkers behaviour. If she does go to the police with a list of times and dates you are going to be in extremely hot water. They are not going to care about the "he said/she said" they will look at actions, as BBOC said above there were many points you could have turned around.

I wish you well in your therapy but please leave the girl alone, you are not right for each other. You can only hammer a square peg into a round hole for so long.

partyguinness · 03-11-2021 09:20AM

You know the answer OP. You know what the problem is and you know what you should do but of course easier said than done. This is the type of 'relationship' I have seen in rural backwaters where both parties are trapped by their own circumstances.

Ultimately you need this poison out of your life for good- that is the only solution. There is no love from either party- it is borderline hatred and resentment with both of you feeding off the 'buzz'. She loves the attention and you seem to have massive self esteem issues. You don't love her- you get a buzz off it.

She has absolutely zero respect for you which is not surprising because (and I'm sorry to say this) you have zero respect for yourself. You are acting like an abused puppy in that no matter how much abuse she dishes out you will still turn up at her door with your tail between your legs craving affection- this is an endless cycle.

Keep with the counselling and hopefully it will help you make the right decisions for you.

Unreg for RI · 04-11-2021 04:33PM

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Unreg for RI · 15-12-2021 01:01AM

I wanted to update this post. There have been some developments. Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place.

I had tried to cut off contact with my ex since I last posted. I called her a couple of times initially and it went unanswered. I am attending counselling and I started to focus on myself. I've tried all sorts with varying levels of success. I am back in the gym, I am taking a Wim Hof course online. I tried yoga. I am focusing on myself and working to do nice things for myself. I was doing really well. Starting to feel positive, calm and hopeful. This is advice for anyone going through something similar. Do things for yourself. Focus on yourself. Try to find things that make you happy and congratulate yourself for taking the time to do things for yourself. I was surprised how quickly I started to feel good.

I was doing very well until the ex called me out of the blue the day before she was going away for a 2 week trip for some training. I took the call because I thought it wouldn't effect me. It was just a 'Hi, how are things?' kind of call. I was polite. This turned into more calls, initially from her and then from me too. I'm sure anyone reading this knows where it's going. I was certain I was going to stay away until during one of my counselling sessions my counsellor said 'she called you for a reason, the timing wasn't an accident. She must still have feelings for you'. Once I got this idea in my head I couldn't let it go.

I am writing here for 2 reasons. I would like advice on how to stop craving a connection with her and I would like your opinions on her behaviour. What do you think is going on in her head? How do I convince myself there will never be happiness with her or closure?

Long story short, we spoke for the 2 weeks she was away. She asked me to pick her up from the airport and go for dinner as friends. I agreed as long as we kept it light hearted and there was no emotional conversations. I think by this point I already wanted to restart the relationship.

During the dinner she was very flirty, talking about our future together, laughing, joking etc. Driving home she started to bring up our past relationship, got angry, and started telling me 'we're just friends and will never be anything else'.

Two days later we had a big argument. I tried to lay some boundaries for our friendship. I said I didn't want to be friends but was willing to try reconnect. I said we need to learn how to communicate, then we can connect, then and only then see if we have a real connection and decide if we want a relationship or not. She blew up. Blocked and unblocked me about 10 times. Finally I lost my temper and told her I was done. No more phone calls, I was blocking her. She video called me 10 mins later crying and saying she didn't want to be alone. I gave in and said I wouldn't abandon her over silly arguments. I would still be here when she's figured her **** out.

That night she asked me to take her out for dinner. Again, super flirty, talking about our plans for the future, 'when we're back together etc'. When I was dropping her home about 5 minutes from her house she got angry and started ranting about 'This changes nothing, I have no feelings for you, we're just friends and if you can't take that then get out of my life."

More or less the same again last night. Dinner and major shouting sessions. I was calm through the first 3 or 4 shouting sessions. I was patient, calmed her down and brought us back to a normal conversation.

It seems she pulls me back in until I start to think we could have a future and then shuts me down. If I pull away in a big way she comes back hot and heavy and piles on the love.

Do you think she's just crazy? I find it very hard to believe she's getting a kick out of this because from what I can see the drama and the chaos really get her down. We had a massive row (I was sober, she was drunk, started shouting at me and punching me) on Saturday and I saw her about an hour later laughing and joking in a pub like she didn't have a care in the world. It seems she's so good at controlling me or choosing when to lean in and when to pull away it must be orchestrated but I find it hard to believe she's choosing to put so much stress on herself. The misery she experiences seems real to me but then again it could all be an act.

Some of our mutual friends have told me she doesn't care in the slightest. She isn't pretending to be happy. She is happy. How can she say to me 'when we have a baby etc' then an hour later be screaming and shrieking at me to get out of her life and never talk to her again. Then the next day hang out with our friends and be real happy with her life?

This has me very messed up. I had to leave work today because I thought I was going to have a panic attack. She has me right back where I was. My anxiety is through the roof and my brain is in overdrive. Tomorrow morning I'm getting a phone without internet and a new number and going away for a few days so she can't contact me and I won't be able to try contact her.

I know what I need to do. Delete her out of my life but I am struggling big time with it. Some friends and my counsellor are telling me she must have real feelings for me. If I can just stick it out and help her get through her **** it will be worth it. This is also what I want to believe is true. Other mutual friends are saying she's been like this with every boyfriend she's ever had and will never change.

Some of the things she has said in the last two weeks:

When we live in Portugal together...

I can't wait to take you to Bali.

When we have a baby...

Can I buy you some outfits when we're back together?

When we do couples counselling...

Also,

I get physically sick to my stomach when I hear you talking

Nothing has changed between us and it never will. I keep telling you I don't have feelings for you.

You are ruining my life

You're going to spend the rest of the night crying like a baby because I don't want to be with you.

Some of these things have been said less than an hour apart. Going from positive to negative back to positive as if nothing happened. 2 weeks ago if she said one negative thing I would have deleted her. Yesterday she said the comment about physically sick to her stomach. I didn't even register it at the time how mean it was. My self respect must be rock bottom to listen to that and not react in the moment or realise it's not normal.

She never shows remorse, never apologises for any behaviour or hurtful things she says. In all the time we've been together I don't remember a single time she showed remorse.

Can anyone shed some light on this behaviour?

15-12-2021 01:29AM

I think you need a new counsellor

Sonic the Shaghog · 15-12-2021 01:39AM

She's fuckin nuts and you are an complete and utter eejit for having anything to do with her

JoChervil · 15-12-2021 01:53AM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118323378#Comment_118323378

I can't believe a counsellor would say this...

Unreg for RI · 15-12-2021 02:15AM

I didn't think it was a problem at the time. I thought she was trying to help me understand the ex's behaviour but a friend told me she was shocked. The counsellor shouldn't be championing the girl who abused me. I'm having a session tomorrow and will discuss this with her

Unreg for RI · 15-12-2021 02:17AM

@Sonic the Shaghog I wish it was an easy as me being an eegit. I've either been stung hook line and sinker by a master manipulator or some inner wounds we both have has triggered some bizare behaviour in both of us but it's more serious than just being an eegit. Its become all consuming and as I said in my original post I wouldn't have believed it for a second if you said this is where I'd be.

Augme · 15-12-2021 02:32AM

She has serious mental health issues.

I'd definitely get a new councillor. I wouldn't even waste my time asking for her opinions on what she said or even turn up to the next session. Although, the fact you've ended up with councillor you have is an interesting one. You seem like a magnet to drama, which probably isn't a conincidence either.

Help to escape toxic relationship

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