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Loneliness and Depression

  • 13-05-2021 05:38PM
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, this is going to be a long post so please read on if you can.

    This will probably be my first and only post on here, but at the moment I'm going through a hard time with loneliness and depression. I'm in my late 20s and live in rural Ireland. I know these are not the correct channels to help cure mental health issues, but writing it down in words is easier for me.

    What is getting me down is that I have no friends and I have lots of regrets in not making any when I had the chance in school. Ever since it was announced that we are coming out of lockdown I have been hearing colleagues at work talking about how they are going to the pub, concerts, weddings and other fun activities with people. It gets me down because I wish I could make those sort of plans with friends and look forward to things, but unfortunately I don't and it eats me up inside thinking about it day and night what my life would be like if I had a social life.

    School was difficult for me. I was bullied in primary school and the friend I usually hanged out with didn't want to bother with me anymore because he found my next door neighbour more interesting. It was a small school with only 4 students in our class where we all went in different directions when going into secondary school. One guy went to a different secondary school, the only girl in the class went to the girls school and then it was just myself and another guy that went to secondary school, but we were never close. So it was basically me on my own. I found it difficult to talk to anyone because people already had their circle of friends around them. Maybe I should have told myself that I could be in one of those circles, but it was intimidating. To be honest, I deserve some blame myself, some kids asked me to go swimming, but I turned them down because I was worried my parents were thinking I wasn't taking my lessons seriously. I got talking to two lads during class another time, but again I blew it because I was scared to trust and get too close to anyone. Life was miserably in secondary school for the rest of my time there just eating lunch on my own, walking around aimlessly and hiding in the bathroom.

    College wasn't much better. Not only did I waste time on a dead end course, but my social life was still non existant. The fact I can only write one sentence about my time in college shows what a forgettable experience it was.

    My lack of social life and people skills has basically ruined me and lost me precious years that I will never get back. People are grand at work, but I feel the tide is turning against me there as well. Hard to think of stuff to talk about when you have no stories, no wit and little charisma. To be honest I think they would rather I left because I'm boring and not fun.

    I don't know what to do anymore, all I want is a time machine to go back in time and make things right. I have thought about suicide or at least fantasized about it because I feel what is the point in life anymore when I'm not happy or enjoying it. I feel like my life just stopped after leaving primary school and I have not developed as a person. This is not the life I wanted and I wasted it all for nothing. All I had to do was be myself and talk and things would have been so much different and cry about that thought every day.

    Thank you for anyone that bothered to read all that. I know this place is good for advice, but I'm not sure what I can do that can make up for the years I had the opportunity to be young and stupid. Its hard to come to terms with and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to move on from it. School is the best time to make life long friends, memories and sets you on the way to enjoy the rest of your life with ease and it crushes me that I will never have that opportunity again.
    Post edited by HildaOgdenx on


Comments

  • #2
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,100 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    OP, I am happy to let this thread run for the moment. I think you are right, it's a good place to get support and advice.

    When posters express suicidal feelings we generally lock the thread with links to this thread. I think though you are not really contemplating it, and I do feel you will get some support here.

    We will be keeping a close eye on the direction the thread takes.


  • #3
    jk23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 877 ✭✭✭jk23


    You seem to be incredibly hard on yourself, you have alot going for you. You seem to be healthy and have a job. The fact you are self aware is also a positive.

    Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could focus on? This is usually a standard reply but maybe joining a club/class would help. I know you say you feel you don't have alot to offer but learning or doing something you enjoy could help you feel like you can....


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    jk23 wrote: »
    You seem to be incredibly hard on yourself, you have alot going for you. You seem to be healthy and have a job. The fact you are self aware is also a positive.

    Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could focus on? This is usually a standard reply but maybe joining a club/class would help. I know you say you feel you don't have alot to offer but learning or doing something you enjoy could help you feel like you can....

    I don't really have any hobbies. Took up running, but ever since I have been feeling this way, I have stopped because I don't have the motivation to do it at the moment. Been searching the internet to find other hobbies to keep me busy, but haven't found any yet.

    Focusing on hobbies or interests is good advice, but I don't know if it will help fill the void I have in my life. I don't know what the answer is. I know thats me being overly negative and comes across as me just swathing away advice no matter how good it is, but its just very hard to accept that this is how my life has turned out while others at work are having great times.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    jk23 wrote: »
    You seem to be incredibly hard on yourself, you have alot going for you. You seem to be healthy and have a job. The fact you are self aware is also a positive.

    Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could focus on? This is usually a standard reply but maybe joining a club/class would help. I know you say you feel you don't have alot to offer but learning or doing something you enjoy could help you feel like you can....

    Sorry having trouble posting so trying again.

    I have took up running, but I haven't done it in a while since I started feeling this way. I do appreciate the advice on taking up more hobbies or interests, but I'm not sure if its the answer to my issue. There is a big void in my life that I can't fill and I don't what to do to help. I really wish I could go back in time and just tell myself to talk more and make friends. Life would have been so much easier if I had just done that.

    In respone to the other person, I don't think I'm suicidal, its not something I want to do. Just want a social life with human connections and have good times with people thats all.


  • #6
    santana75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,382 ✭✭✭santana75


    Op you would be amazed at how quickly things can turn around in life. Literally from one week to the next, or even one day to the next, anything can happen. The point is, you're lost in a vortex of negativity right now and so you can't see the possibilities. I think it might have been william James who said that self pity is the near ally of depression. If you do even one thing, get away from self pity at all costs, its poison for your happiness and life. I'm not saying you should be like pollyana and act like nothing is wrong, but at the same time you can take hold of your life and move forward without getting dragged down into the darkness. This telling yourself you're no good isn't working, in fact it's dragging you deeper and deeper in despair. You can decide to stop that, at any given moment you can choose to no longer beat up on yourself, its a choice.
    Everything is to play for here, just because things haven't gone well in the past doesn't mean anything, like I said you can turn it around. But you have to want to and yo do that you have to give up any right to self pity. You have as much charisma as the next guy the only difference between you and anyone else is you choose to see the world and yourself through a dark filter. There's a Proverb that says "if you look for evil, evil will find you bit if you look for good good will find you". Its a choice


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  • #7
    SmallgirlBigcity
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 263 ✭✭SmallgirlBigcity


    You are still so young and have so much time to change things. Try not to focus on what happened in school and try to focus on now instead. I had an awful time in secondary school myself and over the years I have dwelled on it but I wish I hadnt. I'm a different person now and much happier. For now I would say to try focus on being more vocal in work. Even just try to chat more to people and see if that helps to bring you out of your shell a bit more. And then you could try making friends outside of work. I think there's an online group called Meet Up and you find group meet ups in your area. I know it seems daunting to meet strangers but they are in the same boat as you, just seeking friends so it might be less intimidating. You have your whole future ahead of you and it could be such a wonderful one. You sound like a really nice person. Hope this has helped in some way.


  • #8
    Rubberchikken
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,303 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    Hi Op
    I'm glad you took the time to post here. You wrote a very articulate and tough post.

    I'm sorry life was crap at times. It's hard to watch others seemingly making friends so easily, enjoying all the things that can be taken for granted, good experience in school, mixing, having a laugh, college course that matters etc but sometimes it doesn't work that way for some.

    And that's very hard and it hurts.

    You know you can't go back and undo anything from the past. You sound like a decent smart person.
    Could you change the future? Improve things in some way. Hopefully we're coming back to some normality. Could now be the time to begin to engage with some work colleagues?

    You have things to offer. No one at work is looking for a deep meaningful chat over coffee. Start with a bit of small talk. Realise you so have a lot to offer. Most importantly of all, go easy on yourself and things can change for the better.

    Take care


  • #9
    hedzball
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 764 ✭✭✭hedzball


    For what its worth coming from a 33 year old man..

    90% of my friends I met after my school days. I met most through my hobbies guns,bikes and music.
    School was crap for you. Schools crap for a lot of folks. Its a time lots of us try forget.

    You are actually an incredibly cognitive person going by your thought processes. Life gets better every time you let it.

    the past was designed to be forgotten. You got a lot ahead of you


  • #10
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 513 ✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Like hedz said school was not the be all for everyone. It is very tough for some, college too. Also the fact is despite appearances most people are struggling with something. They could have constant back pain, sick parents, self hatred, weird addictions, a broken heart, etc.

    Too much focus in on yourself contributes to self consciousness and depression. Rather than wonder what you have to say to others about yourself, ask them what did they do at the weekend, how are the children, any plans for the summer now that lockdown is lifting...that kind of thing. And listen. People love to talk about themselves. OP it takes all kinds to make a world, and quiet people often alone are part of the tribe. Admire yourself for what you are - a good, thoughtful person.

    And add some kind of new activity into your life that is physical and completely outside your usual arena - learn to kayak, or wind surf, or surf, or horse ride, or something that gets you into a group to learn, but that is a solo challenge rather than team play, and gets your body doing new strenuous things. Do it often, a couple of times a week.

    Maybe plan to travel to unexpected faraway places in the future. Solo travel is common on the back packer scene. Head for Laos or Thailand or South America, anywhere you can live cheap for a month or two, and just feel the vibes of a bigger world. You can think and make plans until it becomes more possible in a year or so.

    And don't expect deep friendship out of any of it. The activities or travel. Real friendship is rare enough and a gift. Casual easy going companionship along the road is more frequent. Pubs and weddings are not the Nirvana they get made out to be - plenty of people could not be arsed with them. There is a lot of boring stuff people pretend is great craic. Honestly going fishing or camping out in a beautiful place is better than most of these raucous social events.

    Maybe get a dog also, to have some creature to love and mind and be responsible for and get you out and about, and keep you out of too much worrying self consciousness.


  • #11
    Design78
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 73 ✭✭Design78


    I'm in my 40's a single, most of my friends are married with young children and struggle to get time away from family. I would have a large circle of friends, but this takes constant effort and something I'm very aware of. To give you an example I was in a local cycling club, I really enjoyed the spins we went on but the club wasn't social. I've just signed upto a different club that tends to have weekends away and will provide me with other social outlets. I'm constantly on the lookout for groups to join.

    You said you enjoy running, look for a club you can train with and preferably ones that travels for races. These don't have to be marathons or serious races if that's not you thing, plenty of groups will head off for fun runs. Also my advise would be to be prepared to travel for the right club not just one on your doorstep.

    I know the join a group is often said but it really is a good way to meet people but also you need to be quite ruthless in the groups you join. I've literally must have joined and left dozens of groups at this point from hiking to surfing and will leave a group if its not providing me with a social outlet. Really what I'm saying is don't just join one and think well that was useless I didn't make any friends. Give yourself the summer to try out different clubs with the aim to having found one that works for you by the end of the summer.

    Also don't go with the expectation of feeling part of the group on the first night, it takes time to figure out the dynamics of a group and feel comfortable. But it really is a great way to meet people and find new hobbies.

    When people in work talk of their plans respond saying you want to join a running club and are really looking forward to group training asking if anyone has any recommendations or knows of any.


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  • #12
    Samsonsmasher
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 610 ✭✭✭Samsonsmasher


    When things get back to normal go travelling. Backpack across Europe or Asia or South America and I guarantee you will meet people have adventures and see the world. As a loner you have incredible freedom.

    A lot of people in a group of guys qnd girls who pair up together can end up conforming and regretting they didn't do their own thing. So the grass is greener on the other side.

    A lot of people have good relationships with siblings and cousins, old friends from school and college friends, friends from their hometown, friends they met through work, a string of romantic relationships and casual sex partners they can ring up for a hook up at the weekend but are still miserable and lonely.

    Feeling lonely is a state of mind.

    The key is to not care about rejection. It shouldn't stop you from talking to everyone and anyone. You have to develop a social fearlessness. Your best years are ahead.


  • #13
    Goodigal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 501 ✭✭✭Goodigal


    You were brave to write all of that down. And I hope it's helped in a way. Not much to add OP other than you've been given good suggestions about finding new activities and a social outlet once restrictions are fully lifted. I hope you can find a new activity to suit you and help you connect with people.
    You haven't wasted your life. Ok you had a poor school experience but you went to college and you have a job. You're healthy. You are on a path that you want to get off, so it is time to choose a different path. As uncomfortable and daunting as that might seem, it would be better than continuing to feel lonely.
    As others have said, pubs/gigs aren't the be all and end all. You sound like a good person. Let other people find that out too.


  • #14
    Sinus pain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 509 ✭✭✭Sinus pain


    Hi op - I hope you feel better after putting all that down and getting it out of your head. I think the advice that has been offered here has been really good. Please try to take up running again - the hardest bit is getting out of the door - once you are out you will fly.
    Get on the internet now and research all the clubs mentioned - surfing running cycling etc - these sound amazing and will be so good for you to get into outdoor exercise - you will feel great and your confidence will get a boost by just joining and putting yourself out of your comfort zone.
    Regarding other people and their plans - I’ve been talking about all the things I’m gonna do when restrictions lift - but I probably won’t do half them - I want to go the cinema - afternoon teas - the theatre etc - everyone is living in fantasy world atm and are talking about their dreams and aspirations but not all will be met!
    I’m on my 40s now and can barely remember being in secondary school - so put yourself out there and when your 30/40 hopefully You will have happy memories of your 20s and you can bat away the years before that. I wish you all the best


  • #15
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,100 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Groups are great to join. I know Covid has put a stop to everything but hopefully by the summer things should be opening up again. You are so young. There are so many people you are still to meet. I am in my 40s. I still meet new people. Some will become friends, some will become passing acquaintances. Making friends does involve a bit of effort. So if you join a group, you should keep going. I am pretty socialable. But joining up a new group for the first time, and continuing to go back for the first few weeks after feels so awkward, and even intimidating.

    In general you are walking into an established group, with people who know each other already. So it can feel awkward as you stand on the sideline listening to these friendships, chatting easily etc. But, I always find people are generally kind and welcoming. Established friendships are just that, established. And over time you eventually fit in, you become established in the group, and then some poor other soul comes along as the awkward newbie and watches from the sidelines as you and your group chat away and laugh about things they know nothing about.. Yet!

    Do you have any interest in music? Would you like to learn an instrument? There are adult group classes available and they are usually small enough numbers. Giving you a chance to maybe be able to chat to a couple of people without being overwhelmed by a large group. And then from that social nights out might happen. Informal singsongs in a pub etc..

    Making friends doesn't have to be limited to school. As I mentioned, I am in my 40s and some of my closest friends are people I meet in the last 10 years or so. I really wish you the very best. I think if you put yourself our there a little, accept that feeling of awkwardness is completely normal at the beginning and understand that everyone in the group felt that at first, then I think you could very well be back here in a years time advising someone else in a similar situation and letting them know how you managed to turn things around for yourself.


  • #16
    mohawk
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,787 ✭✭✭mohawk


    OP fair play for writing such an honest post.

    I don’t have any friends left from school. I always struggled to make friends because I thought I wasn’t fun enough, or cool enough etc. This isn’t true it was a lack of confidence. From reading your post it struck me that you also might be struggling with self confidence.

    I know people in your situation and some of them are a good bit older then you. Lots of people find they have drifted away from all their friends because life takes them in a different direction. I can promise you that there are many others out there in your situation.

    Running is a great hobby but perhaps you need to join a running club or run in events. So at work when the conversation goes to are you getting up to much on the weekend you can say yes I am training for such and such event coming up. All you need is that little conversation starter to get going.

    Finally I think your first step is to change your mindset. It sounds like your trapped in a negative feedback loop. Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but it’s important not to let the tough times take over either. I once heard a psychologist on radio say that negative feelings can become a habit. Those words have stuck with me about 10 years later. Habits can be broken. You can teach yourself to deal with negative thoughts and feelings differently. So when your putting yourself down you can literally say to yourself no I am being too hard on myself and force yourself to think of something else entirely or think of something positive.

    You can definitely start feeling better OP and get your motivation back.


  • #17
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,817 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Hi OP.
    Have you been in any kind of therapy?
    I think there's a lot of talking to be done by you and you need someone professional that can help you unravel your past and how it's affecting your present.
    With regards the running, the days you feel that you absolutely can't get motivated to go are the days you should push yourself up off the chair and just go, don't think about going, just go.
    Starting from a healthier physical space will definitely help with a healthier mental space.
    Best of luck.

    To thine own self be true



  • #18
    The DayDream
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 513 ✭✭✭The DayDream


    I dont know if this will make you feel any better but just to give my experience which is the opposite but has a similar result: When I had the opportunity to be young and stupid I took full advantage of it, partied hard, had loads of mates, did a lot of dating, had 2 LTRs eventually fail, moved jobs whenever I got sick of the boss, lived abroad, basically did a lot of the things you seem to regret not doing, and guess what? now I'm lonely and depressed, too just like you! and to top it all off, I'm never going to be able to own a house of my own. Hooray!

    As people get into their 30s and 40s they socialize less and less and the kids and job is all they have time and energy for. Your BFFs for life will usually become BFFS you barely see any more.

    So all those good times you think you missed out on, they go away anyway. Yes some of the memories are cherished ones. But honestly what you think you missed out on was mostly just drunken idiocy and most folka realize that as they get older and that's why they stop.

    Also if you think your coworkers are somehow displeased with you for a lack of stories or whatever, I doubt that's true. I try not to tell any stories of my past or present exploits as I'm sure my coworkers really dont need to hear another 'back in my day...' tale.

    It's not uncommon to think that your coworkers think this or that about you, I have done that too. but they probably don't think about you in any way near a negative way as you think yourself. That's what I found. And tbh after reflecting on this issue, I found I was more often just assuming they disliked me because of something I was insecure about, ie: projecting it. They probably think about me rarely as they, like most people, are wrapped up in their own lives and Im just a dude they work with and we all have to put up with each other best we can anyway.

    Stop beating yourself up for not being Jack The Lad Bantersaurus Rex, that does not mean you are unlikeable or are incapable of having a social life. Lockdown being lifted can provide more opportunities for your social life also, try some more different things and keep an open mind and positive attitude about it, and see what comes your way.


  • #19
    qwerty13
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,272 ✭✭✭qwerty13


    Lots of good points by previous posters - but DayDream’s last paragraph resonated with me.

    As lockdown slowly lifts, I think it actually puts you in a better position: no one really knows what to be doing with themselves right now, and everyone will be ‘resetting’ somewhat. Would you consider dropping a casual text to a neighbour / cousin / a work colleague about a garden pint, or an outdoor beer? If they don’t take you up on it, then so what. You’re putting yourself out there a little, which I feel you haven’t tried to do in a while. Little steps OP.

    By the way, I have no friends from school. I’ve made friends along the way in life, as recently as 6 months ago, in lockdown! - and I’m a lot older than you :). From people who I know, a lot of school friends were friends through circumstance, but drift apart after 5/10 years. The only people I know who still have proper friends from school (as opposed to acquaintances) are those who followed more or less the same life path as their school friends, and stayed living in the same area. Of course that’s not true for everyone, just what I’ve observed.

    I think you’re placing too much on being a lad with the banter, I’m not sure that ever creates friendships with longevity. And I liked the point made by others that it can be all too easy to feel negative about a few things, leading to a cycle of negativity that becomes hard to escape. I’ve never thought about it in quite that way, but it felt very true.

    All the best, and my advice would be to take little steps of positivity and putting yourself out there in life - even a seemingly silly thing of 1 positive or putting self out there step every few days. I hope this works for you.

    PS: I echo the advice by others about asking people about their weekend / how they find lockdown etc. Most people are only too happy to speak about themselves. Also, are you into any popular tv shows? It can be an easy conversation starter, and helps to set up a bit of familiarity back-and-forth almost ready made chat.

    PPS: Someone I worked with told me that I sounded pleased to deal with people, and that doing so made it harder for people to ever give me a rough time in work! I would NEVER have thought of myself in that way - I’m quite introverted, but if I work with people for a while and get to know them and trust them, then I guess I’m (mostly!) happy to shoot the breeze for a short time, and I’m in good form doing so. I’m not trying to say I’m all sweetnesses and light, by any means! But the comment about how I behave in work really surprised me - ‘cos introverted as I am, I guess once I’m comfortable with people I don’t seem to mind letting that show. Apparently that disarms people! So I guess my point is to try to think of your day-to-day work interactions with others, and how you come across. I’m not saying you come across badly, but maybe try to make your interaction with others a positive experience for them. Without being barfy :)


  • #20
    Daisy78
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭Daisy78


    Mountain35 wrote: »
    I don't really have any hobbies. Took up running, but ever since I have been feeling this way, I have stopped because I don't have the motivation to do it at the moment. Been searching the internet to find other hobbies to keep me busy, but haven't found any yet.

    Focusing on hobbies or interests is good advice, but I don't know if it will help fill the void I have in my life. I don't know what the answer is. I know thats me being overly negative and comes across as me just swathing away advice no matter how good it is, but its just very hard to accept that this is how my life has turned out while others at work are having great times.

    But it isn’t how your life has turned out, you are only in your late twenties, you have many years ahead of you yet so don’t be writing yourself off. Yes you have had a bad start in the sense that you had a negative experience in primary school and it seems this negativity has carried through to your interactions with people at second and third level. If there is a level of mistrust there it’s difficult to form connections with new people because you are fearful of the same thing happening again. You can make friends at any age, there is no law that says you get one shot at it in your younger years and that’s it. I made most of my friends from my late twenties onwards. I don’t have any friends from school or college that I would be in regular contact with and I’m fine with that. I have more in common with the people I met later in life but if I had decided to shut myself off and not take any risks then I wouldn’t have met anyone.

    If you want to fix this you will need to take some action and do things differently. First off you say you are living in a rural location, probably not great as regards meeting new people and taking up new interests. I would imagine it would be limited enough in terms of social opportunities for someone of your age. Would you be willing to move to a larger town or city? You will need to take some risks if you want your situation to improve and that might mean moving location but also, to use that awful phrase, might involve putting yourself out there. Larger towns and cities might offer opportunities to join social groups, volunteering, sports clubs, part time education. But that’s only half the battle, you need to be willing to engage with people, take up offers when they come your way but also don’t be afraid to do the inviting yourself, even if it is just something like after work drinks.

    There is nothing you can do about (your perceived) lost opportunities in school but you can do something to change your current situation if you have the will to do it.


  • #21
    chris435
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9 ✭chris435


    Hey Mountain35,

    I was in a similar place myself once and the thought of having the confidence to speak to someone is difficult. The first thing I found was that depression made me selfish and so my internal thoughts would automatically turn to "they dont want to talk to me", "I'm making an idiot of myself", "I cant offer anything to this conversation". The reality of things is that most people will only dislike you if you are a bad person. Im in my late 30's now and found that the most popular / liked people are the ones who ask questions and say yes to things.

    Another thing to note is that out of 99% of the people anyone will meet only 1% are likely to become a friend so don't be so down on yourself when you don't immediately make a friend.

    <Mod Snip: Requesting or offering PMs is not allowed in Personal Issues. >


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  • #22
    Airyfairy12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,473 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12


    Hi OP.
    First of all I want you to know that youre not alone! Allot of people go through stages of their lives were they have no friends & little social interaction. Just because your life is and has been this way for along time, it doesnt mean your life will continue this way forever. Situations change and with enough time, focus and dedication, you can change your situation!! Theres no time stamp on when you can and cant make friends.

    I just notice a few things in your thread that I think are not helpful to you.
    1. Youre very negative - This is understandable as youre not happy in your current situation but this negativity is not going to help you in anyway, it will make you feel worse and keep you in the same old cycle.
    2. You compare yourself to other people - You listen to people talking about their plans, you then compare yourself, feel bad, and the cycle continues.
    3. Youre too hard on yourself - You said youre boring, no fun, have no charisma ect.. I would suggest working on self acceptance. You are just as good & as worthy as everyone else around you.
    4. You focus on your past too much! You had negative experiences which no doubt contributed to your feelings about yourself and other people but you cant change the past, you can only learn from it and accept it.

    I would suggest working on your negative thinking through CBT - Aware.ie have a great personal development course in CBT that gives some great tips.
    I think you need to work on your self esteem & self acceptance, Id suggest seeing a therapist.

    Healthy mental health doesnt just happen, you actively have to work at it every single day! That means eating healthy, exercising, trying new things, learning new skills, setting goals, getting out of your comfort zone & pushing yourself, talking to a counsellor and practicing CBT, not to make friends but to keep yourself in a healthy mindset and the rest will follow!
    You might still struggle to connect with people but you will feel allot better about yourself and that is the most important relationship you'll ever have, as cliche as that sounds its 100% true.

    You said you dont have hobbies/interests but have you ever tried to figure out what you like?
    Do you like to swim? Go to the beach before or after work and swim in the sea or join a local gym with a pool.
    Id also suggest getting a pet if you can, theyre great company and give unconditional love, theyre entertaining too!


  • #23
    john9876
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 358 ✭✭john9876


    Hi OP,
    It seems to me that you suffer from Social Anxiety (Google it) which is causing you to feel depressed.
    I think you need to see a therapist, preferably a psychotherapist. I would steer clear of CBT therapists as I don't believe it works for deep seated issues which yours seem to be.
    Good luck.


  • #24
    BingCrosbee
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 262 ✭✭BingCrosbee


    hedzball wrote: »
    For what its worth coming from a 33 year old man..

    90% of my friends I met after my school days. I met most through my hobbies guns,bikes and music.
    School was crap for you. Schools crap for a lot of folks. Its a time lots of us try forget.

    You are actually an incredibly cognitive person going by your thought processes. Life gets better every time you let it.

    the past was designed to be forgotten. You got a lot ahead of you
    Fair play, that’s a nice response. Well done.


  • #25
    Ms. Newbie18
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 235 ✭✭Ms. Newbie18


    Hi OP,

    I hope your hanging in there. It is never to late to make new friends. If you are not a person who has many hobbies there are always meet up for coffee and drinks. Download a meetup app and checkout whats going on near you.

    I think the John98 maybe right about social anxiety, it is definitely worth looking into.


  • #26
    GalwayGrrrrrl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,519 ✭✭✭GalwayGrrrrrl


    If you are interested on running you would enjoy parkrun. It’s free and good for all levels, lots of people walk or jog slowly. Here is some more information, they should be starting up in Ireland again in July or August so you could be practising running or walking 5km each week to get ready. https://www.parkrun.ie/


This discussion has been closed.
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