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Unable to socialise

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  • #32
    Purple Mountain
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 13,706 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Faith wrote: »
    So you’re just giving up again? Quitting before you’ve even started. No wonder you’re so isolated and lonely, tbh - you just keep getting in your own way.

    Are you going to stay as you are, or are you going to change? If you have no intention of actually changing, then no amount of threads here or hours in therapy with help you. You need to WANT to change, and I don’t get the sense that you actually do. You just like the idea of being a different person but you don’t feel strongly enough about it to even slightly push yourself out of your comfort zone. You want someone else to change you, but that’s not how it works.

    Yes, agree 200%, noone will come in off the street to do it for you. It's YOUR life and only YOU can change it.
    One thing I would recommend highly, a great book by Susan Jeffers called 'Feel the Fear and do It Anyway'.

    To thine own self be true



  • #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Wanderer78 wrote: »
    Please don't take this the wrong way op, but it sounds like you have classic autism behaviour, have any of the professionals you interact with mentioned this?

    I did mention it to my counsellor and she said I don't have it.
    More due to upbringing issues relating to a domineering father.


  • #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The White Feather wrote: »
    See, its not about trying things. It is Doing things. You tried all these things. It sounds like you went through the motions doing them. What do you like doing? Then do that. Enjoy something then you will like talking about it. Then you can talk to people about it without it seeming an effort.

    TBH - I have no real interests. I just pootle along from day to day. Working, sleeping etc. I like going to gym, movies and that's pretty much it. I don't really enjoy talking about movies as I hate argumentative debates on things. At gym, like do weights, but again I like to work at my own pace - although I do chat to some ones when there.

    Why be intimidated? Are you intimidated posting here? I'd say no. Its all strangers. Its the same thing as in dating sites. You said you arent fully committed. Well, you have to be. You have to speculate to accumulate. It means taking a chance. Saying hello to someone etc
    If I wasn't intimidated I would use my normal login. There is something to hide behind here, its not the same.
    Start today and forget the past. If it still seems hard then just do small steps. Go outside and go for walks. Become the opposite of a hermit.

    Switch your whole mindset to thinking that you have a lot to offer and why not? If everything that you have been doing has not worked, then you need to try the exact opposite.
    That's easier said than done. Might be easy for someone with your outlook, but for me it is too difficult.
    For instance, I said in an earlier post to ring one of your friends. You said that you regularly contact each other but just with silly messages. That seemed the end of it for you. Well ring them! The relationship becomes what you make it. If ye only text, then ye only text. If you ring and talk every day it will become that.
    None of us ring each other - it would be weird.

    Remember what I said here "its not about trying things. It is Doing things" You are not happy with things that you have done so start doing the opposite. Don't think. Do it. There has been great advice in this thread. Pick something and do it. Don't nitpick. Dont think. Just do it.

    If you sleep in late. Get up early from now on. If you get up early, sleep in and stay up late. If you usually text as you say, then ring people from now on. If you email co workers, ring them. If you don't go out, go out every day. Where? Anywhere. Walk to a friends house and then go back. You can ring them and say hey I was near your place on a walk the other day. Friends too far? Go to the local shop and buy something small every day.

    If you say nothing to people in shops, start talking to them. I am an introvert too and I started doing this for practice. I began by smiling and saying thanks loudly. Then went to eye contact. Then eventually chatting. I used to just murmur, grab my stuff and scurry away. It still hard for me to do but its great practice. They can't tell you go away and generally they like a chat as they are bored. A few weeks of smiling and saying thanks and then they realised I am a nice guy so they won't mind chatting.

    So I did the opposite of what I used to do. You have to keep applying it. If you quit the classes you joined. Get back in them and don't quit them this time. Then every class, make it your mission to say something about anything to someone there. Then same again next week and so on. Ok, you will say , its lockdown. Classes are not on at the moment. Ring the person there and say you intend to come back when its back. Find out if there are online stuff for it. Youtube videos that you could look at. Ask if there is an online group for it to stay in touch. Keep going and don't just stop. It is all about practice so then you don't even think about it.

    You said you struggle to change. You won't change unless you start it. It is simple as that. If you usually only do something for a day or 2, then do the opposite. Do it for a full month? Why? Because you have never done it. you miss a day? Month begins again. Whatever you are doing or have done, do the opposite. Switch the layout in your bedroom. go out every day at lunchtime. Go out after work. Change your routine.

    I was in as rut like you and I just did everything different to get myself out of the hole. I even switched my watch to the opposite hand so I would have to "think" which hand I had my watch on. I did everything the opposite. Nothing I did worked before I changed. It got me out of a rut and got me going. Don't overthink anything. Just pick something and do it. If you are sure its not for you, pick something else and do it until you feel comfortable. Don't stop and think. Keep going and doing things.

    Don't read books? Read a book a week. You read now and then already? then read more. Then you can tell anyone you meet about the book you just read. You dont walk much? Walk every day. Throw in a small run at the weekend. Can't run? Just walk a bit quicker so for a few meters. Don't stretch at all? Stretch every day. Do it in your bedroom if you feel a bit odd doing it at first. Watch movies? get netflix. Can't afford it or don't want to get it? Then you have your subject to ask a friend or someone you meet. Ask them is netflix worth it? Is spotify worth it? etc

    If you have to, write out bullet points so it can jog your memory when you are talking to someone in case you are afraid of freezing up on the phone.

    Sorry for the long post but maybe you can see how and why I did it too. you can too. It is totally up to you. Just start doing things. Don't think. Just pick something and do it. You said you were not committed. Commit. To everything. Fix those dating profiles like you are applying to a job. Doing things fully is now your job.
    I know what I need to do. I've known that for about 20 years, but I can do nothing about it to help myself.


  • #35
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Why did you give up your rental? Are you going to the gym at all now? You could try just heading out every day for a walk or a drive, maybe get a takeaway coffee or food and sit in a nice area just people watching, you need a change of scenery rather than stuck inside all day. Have you any siblings to speak with or just to visit? It's extremely difficult to do or enjoy some things without a friend or colleague and yet you don't sound like someone that would be easy to befriend, you seem quite stubborn in your own way and I think this definitely comes from your upbringing as you mention your mother is quite staunch. You seem to be your own worse enemy and I think that's also an upbringing issue, are you close to any other family member apart from your mother, do you worry about her reaction to things you do rather than recognising that your an adult and can do whatever you want in life?
    I'm working from home and rather than sit alone in a small apartment I decided to live with parents. Nothing was open and I decided to stay at home and save money to buy a house at some stage.
    Mother is not the problem - counsellor identified it was due to a domineering overbearing father - still alive.
    It is crazy odd to just head out for a walk or a coffee.


  • #36
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Faith wrote: »
    So you’re just giving up again? Quitting before you’ve even started. No wonder you’re so isolated and lonely, tbh - you just keep getting in your own way.

    Are you going to stay as you are, or are you going to change? If you have no intention of actually changing, then no amount of threads here or hours in therapy with help you. You need to WANT to change, and I don’t get the sense that you actually do. You just like the idea of being a different person but you don’t feel strongly enough about it to even slightly push yourself out of your comfort zone. You want someone else to change you, but that’s not how it works.
    I do want to change - I just can't help myself and actually go through with the changes. At times I'm okay with myself, other times I'm almost suicidal about my life and how I've wasted it and unable to make a go of it.
    Just existing instead of living is not fun and I'm paralysed against doing anything to help myself.
    My counsellor says I'm waiting to be discovered and that is probably true. But where do we go from here? Do you keep shouting at me to change myself?


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  • #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Purple Mountain wrote: »
    Yes, agree 200%, noone will come in off the street to do it for you. It's YOUR life and only YOU can change it.
    One thing I would recommend highly, a great book by Susan Jeffers called 'Feel the Fear and do It Anyway'.

    Bought it. Read it. Still here. :(


  • #38
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,773 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    hermit123 wrote: »
    Bought it. Read it. Still here. :(

    Did you Feel the Fear of going for a hike and go for a hike anyway?


  • #39
    eleventh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 436 ✭✭eleventh


    hermit123 wrote: »
    More due to upbringing issues relating to a domineering father.
    hermit123 wrote: »
    Mother is not the problem - counsellor identified it was due to a domineering overbearing father - still alive.
    Can you say a bit more on this. Was he abusive or what was it?


  • #40
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,662 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    Frankly, OP, if you can’t help yourself, how do you expect us to help you? What do you think these repeated threads will achieve? You can’t even describe what the problem actually is and reject every single suggestion, so I fail to see what you’re going to achieve here.


  • #41
    ongarboy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    hermit123 wrote: »
    It is crazy odd to just head out for a walk or a coffee.

    This statement by you jumped out as being the cause of so much of the issues you are having in my opinion.

    The fact you would think even the simple act of going for a walk or coffee to clear the head, be in a different environment, provide a distraction of sorts is "crazy odd" is actually quite worrying and damaging and is very telling of your mindset in general. Millions of people everywhere do go out for a walk(or any other type of exercise) or grab a coffee/treat/newspaper etc every day for the very reason to get a daily change of scenery, get the blood circulation going, get a distraction of sorts from whatever they might be mulling over as they sat/lay at home on the couch/bed. Dismissing or rejecting this and all the other good advice being given without even trying is probably the bigger factor right now in why your life isn't changing.

    I'm not sure I can offer you any advice as you'll most likely also shoot it down. What did you want from creating this thread if you'd already decided you won't listen or try anyone's suggestions?


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  • #42
    The White Feather
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,802 ✭✭✭The White Feather


    hermit123 wrote: »
    TBH - I have no real interests. I just pootle along from day to day. Working, sleeping etc. I like going to gym, movies and that's pretty much it. I don't really enjoy talking about movies as I hate argumentative debates on things. At gym, like do weights, but again I like to work at my own pace - although I do chat to some ones when there.



    If I wasn't intimidated I would use my normal login. There is something to hide behind here, its not the same.


    That's easier said than done. Might be easy for someone with your outlook, but for me it is too difficult.


    None of us ring each other - it would be weird.



    I know what I need to do. I've known that for about 20 years, but I can do nothing about it to help myself.

    You have a problem for every single solution. People have given you great advice throughout the thread. Ideas, things to do etc You have found something wrong with each one. You have to do things. Friends won't call to your door out of the blue. You have to change. No one else.

    Things are weird because you don't do them. Start doing them now. You put on your clothes every day so its not weird. You don't think about it. Do the same with everything else. Just start ringing. No one says why are you ringing me? Would you, if your friend/work colleague rang you? You would be delighted.

    You know what you need to do. No one is going to hold your hand You have to do it. No one else. You make the choice every day to not to anything different.

    I was there in your position. Tried different things and some I liked better than others. But I did them. Muddled through things at the start and then I got used to them.

    Everything to you is "strange" or "odd" Wearing masks was strange at first but now no one even thinks about it. It is the same principle.

    Absolve yourself of blame from now on. Ring your colleagues or friend every day. Go for a walk or a hike. Cycle. Anything. If you feel bad/weird/odd, just say a guy on the net or a book told you to do this so its their fault. It is not yours. Keep doing it. Stop thinking about everything. Do things. You are paralysed by inaction. I was like that too. I thought of so many scenarios of what might happen, I did nothing.

    I solved it by doing anything and everything. If you see anything to do, even an online class say yes I will do it. Once I went along to a bridge card club and it was full of old ladies. I thought it was like poker and thought there would be young people there! I can't play bridge but i was like I am here now so I will sit and watch and chat. :pac:

    Yes really weird at first but like any club, they just pulled out tables and chairs and began. Same as every other type of club. No one knew me so who cares! I didn't care as I knew I wasn't going back. Went home and then I had experience of talking to new people about something new that I had no interest in. And had a great laugh about it. It wasn't bad at all. Its a funny story to tell someone especially women!

    You might try honesty ringing someone every day? "hey I don't feel so good, I could use a chat" You say that to anyone, they will listen and have a chat. No one is going to say anything bad.

    You were recommended a great book it seems, and you read it but are "still here" Did you think the book would lift you out of your seat? You need to get up and go out. No one can make you. Get up and go. Walk, run, hike cycle. Break your routine as I said. Blame the book if you feel weird at first. Blame me, blame everyone but do it like it was a court order. Don't stop.


  • #43
    Tork
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,623 ✭✭✭Tork


    I think these threads you post on boards are your way of fooling yourself into thinking you're doing something about your issues. Unlike when you're in a room with a therapist, you are in complete control here. You can read the advice given at your leisure and you're free to reply or not reply. Even the title of the thread is somewhat disingenuous - it isn't that you're unable to socialise. You're unwilling to. Just like you are unwilling to do so many other things suggested to you here. People can give you solid, sensible advice until they're blue in the face but they might as well be talking to the wall. Unless you find a way to make the changes within yourself, you're wasting everybody's time. Including yours.


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