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I'm totally lost and do not know how to process this

  • 19-10-2020 09:52PM
    #1
    fran38
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 672 ✭✭✭


    Hi. I was seeing a Brazilian woman last year for a few months. She kept asking for marriage so that obviously sent my senses into overdrive. Anyway, she gave me the boot once she knew marriage wasnt forthcoming....for the time being anyway.
    So, fast forward June/July this year and we met up again. We kept chatting on Facebook etc and a spark was reignited. She seemed to have cooled on the marriage thing and things were going ok. At least I thought they were.
    For the last week or so with Level 3, we haven't met as much as we live in different counties. Im et her last Tuesday and we ended up in bed where in the end I said those immortal words "I love you" because I do have deep feeling for her despite what her agenda may be. I noticed she didn't reply in kind. She would say she loves me when we do meet up and in messages. To ad to that she didn't want to meet me due to her having the flu and level 3. I messaged her Tuesday night to wish her a good nights sleep and that I was thinking of her. The next morning I messaged her to ask her if there was any improvement in her condition. I didn't hear from her until Sunday morning saying that she was very sick and that she wanted to get over this without any fuss from me. Fair enough I thought but messaged her saying that I was here for her if she needed anything.
    So.....in work earlier (7pm) she messaged me saying that she had sex with a woman in her flat, she didn't initiate it but she did it all the same. Now she's in love with a woman called Sara and thats that as far as she's concerned. I told her through messages (I have to translate complicated messages to Portuguese as her English is poor) that what she is after disclosing has devastated me and i am deeply hurt.
    Ok, my question is (and i have a whole lot of questions), could this be a deflection tactic just to get rid of me? Has she found another man? Or did she really have sex with a woman for the first time and all of a sudden fall in love with her? She hasn't displayed lesbian tendencies up to this so far.
    I am dizzy with anxiety and sadness. I don't know how to process this at all.
    I want to ad that I have a disability in that I walk with a profound limp. And im not the fittest of blokes. So, I have confidence issues as well.


Comments

  • #2
    sallyanne12
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 259 ✭✭sallyanne12


    Run and don’t look back


  • #3
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    I won't sugar coat, especially since you already know the answer and are seeking confirmation.
    Yes, you are being played, simply because you are too good a target to ignore. And by this I don't mean your disability, I mean the way you see it/ yourself. The lower your self esteem the easier prey you are.

    Nobody here can tell you for sure what is going on with her, we can all just guess. However, I guarantee you that you're not the only the only one she is trying this with. Right now you are being hit with the withdrawal technique after you were hooked, it's a classic.

    Personally I wouldn't trust a word she says, but would get an STI check and block her on all channels. I'd probably also try to ruin her pitiful existence but that's just my nasty side which you should ignore.

    Block her, because she will be back in touch once you start ignoring her, and it won't get better unless you blank her indefinitely.


  • #4
    akelly02
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,154 ✭✭✭akelly02


    Dude , just read what you wrote.

    Then run and count yourself lucky , she wasnt the one.


  • #5
    YellowLead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,037 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    I think you have to accept what she has said - she does not want to be with you, regardless of her reason. You could drive yourself crazy thinking as to the why - but at the end of the day it’s the same result. Pick yourself up and move on.


  • #6
    fran38
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 672 ✭✭✭fran38


    Jequ0n wrote: »
    I won't sugar coat, especially since you already know the answer and are seeking confirmation.
    Yes, you are being played, simply because you are too good a target to ignore. And by this I don't mean your disability, I mean the way you see it/ yourself. The lower your self esteem the easier prey you are.

    Nobody here can tell you for sure what is going on with her, we can all just guess. However, I guarantee you that you're not the only the only one she is trying this with. Right now you are being hit with the withdrawal technique after you were hooked, it's a classic.

    Personally I wouldn't trust a word she says, but would get an STI check and block her on all channels. I'd probably also try to ruin her pitiful existence but that's just my nasty side which you should ignore.

    Block her, because she will be back in touch once you start ignoring her, and it won't get better unless you blank her indefinitely.

    Classic


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  • #7
    Jequ0n
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,412 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    fran38 wrote: »
    Classic

    Each to their own


  • #8
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,506 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    OP you don't really love her.

    If you loved her you would want to marry her. Something in you told you that wasnt a good idea. Why? When we love someone isn't that the general goal? Something in your stomach told you .NO i don't want to marry this woman. Because she isn't the one. And what was between you ...wasn't real. EVEN YOUR OWN FEELINGS weren't real imo. They are just brought about by low self esteem ....and covid etc etc.

    You are feeling lonely during covid. That is all.

    I would say what she has said is true.

    In terms of having low self esteem making you a target ..it can do.

    Change your mindset.
    I'd probably also try to ruin her pitiful existence but that's just my nasty side which you should ignore.

    There's not really a lot you can do during a lockdown.
    Block her, because she will be back in touch once you start ignoring her, and it won't get better unless you blank her indefinitely.

    Why would you want her to get back in touch?

    She is just drama and going to ruin his life. He needs to stop reacting.

    OP just let her go.


  • #9
    fran38
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 672 ✭✭✭fran38


    Thank you all for your fortright and honest opinions. Yes, i need to let her go. And yes this dull ache in the pit of my stomach is brought about by feelings of low self esteem (How will i attract a partner with my physical situation).
    A lot of food for thought and i hope i have the fortitude to do the right thing.


  • #10
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 7,694 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Tork linking to or quoting posts a poster has made elsewhere on Boards is not on in PI/RI. Please do not do it again.

    Thanks

    HS


  • #11
    Magicmatilda
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    I once had a huge crush on a guy who had a limp. He wasn't classically attractive at all but for me I was smitten.

    Something about his personality and energy just attracted me.

    Anyway I just wanted to share that as just because you walk with a limp would not make you unattractive. Maybe focus on changing whatever you can to help your self esteem. hard at the mo with level 5, but research if you could join a gym, plenty of gyms these days will work with your disability particularly smaller strength focused places (obv after Dec, but do the research and maybe contact a few). Could you get a new hairstyle, or smarten up your wardrobe, all very surface level but it might be the little nudge to start you on a new path of self esteem.

    Also there is plenty of cheap/free therapy available, mymind are offering free therapy AFAIK. So link in with that.

    There is no reason to let your disability stop you from being happy.

    As for this woman, you are well rid. Sounds like she is looking for a Visa.


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  • #12
    bitofabind
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 938 ✭✭✭bitofabind


    Can you spend these weeks in lockdown being kind to yourself and building your self esteem? Life is difficult for everyone now and some of us are making decisions that don't best serve us. Loneliness, depression, fear and scarcity will do that to a person.

    However, you have it within you to do the right thing for yourself. Step one, channel the energy you've been wasting on this dead-end relationship into yourself instead. Invest in self-improvement books and podcasts, put together a healthy meal plan and start meditating. I can recommend the Calm or Headspace apps, 10 minutes a day on either will make a difference to your mindset within a week or two.

    Having a disability or being an imperfect human doesn't mean you have to accept scraps of attention off any woman that looks your way. Your purpose in life is far greater than that. You deserve someone that sees you, appreciates you and loves you. That person looks and behaves the opposite of this unavailable woman.


  • #13
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,506 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    fran38 wrote: »
    And yes this dull ache in the pit of my stomach is brought about by feelings of low self esteem (How will i attract a partner with my physical situation).


    Exactly. Things will be better now.

    I agree with bit of a bind. Do things to build self esteem.


  • #14
    TheW1zard
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,357 ✭✭✭TheW1zard


    fran38 wrote: »
    Hi. I was seeing a Brazilian woman last year for a few months. She kept asking for marriage so that obviously sent my senses into overdrive. Anyway, she gave me the boot once she knew marriage wasnt forthcoming....for the time being anyway.
    So, fast forward June/July this year and we met up again. We kept chatting on Facebook etc and a spark was reignited. She seemed to have cooled on the marriage thing and things were going ok. At least I thought they were.
    For the last week or so with Level 3, we haven't met as much as we live in different counties. Im et her last Tuesday and we ended up in bed where in the end I said those immortal words "I love you" because I do have deep feeling for her despite what her agenda may be. I noticed she didn't reply in kind. She would say she loves me when we do meet up and in messages. To ad to that she didn't want to meet me due to her having the flu and level 3. I messaged her Tuesday night to wish her a good nights sleep and that I was thinking of her. The next morning I messaged her to ask her if there was any improvement in her condition. I didn't hear from her until Sunday morning saying that she was very sick and that she wanted to get over this without any fuss from me. Fair enough I thought but messaged her saying that I was here for her if she needed anything.
    So.....in work earlier (7pm) she messaged me saying that she had sex with a woman in her flat, she didn't initiate it but she did it all the same. Now she's in love with a woman called Sara and thats that as far as she's concerned. I told her through messages (I have to translate complicated messages to Portuguese as her English is poor) that what she is after disclosing has devastated me and i am deeply hurt.
    Ok, my question is (and i have a whole lot of questions), could this be a deflection tactic just to get rid of me? Has she found another man? Or did she really have sex with a woman for the first time and all of a sudden fall in love with her? She hasn't displayed lesbian tendencies up to this so far.
    I am dizzy with anxiety and sadness. I don't know how to process this at all.
    I want to ad that I have a disability in that I walk with a profound limp. And im not the fittest of blokes. So, I have confidence issues as well.

    Lol


  • #15
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 7,694 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    TheW1zard, you have been told before that there is a standard of posting expected here in PI/RI and your post falls far short of it. Do not post here again until you have read the Charter.

    Thanks

    HS


  • #16
    Church on Tuesday
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    OP, you have had a very lucky escape here, thank your blessings.

    Do not interact with this woman again.


  • #17
    Augme
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,629 ✭✭✭Augme


    The crux of the problem here is your low self esteem. Until you deal with that you will end up in positions like the above again. There was about hundred red flags you ignored when you should she turned and run.


  • #18
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    There's a saying: "we accept the love we think we deserve". In other words, if you see yourself as negatively as you do OP, you are more likely to put up with terrible behaviour from a partner because you don't see yourself as likely to get anything else.

    Frankly, that's bs. Reading your description you sound a lot like some people I know and they are in relationships with loving partners who treat them well. So what if you are not fit, so what if you have a limp? You've mentioned none of the good qualities you have that would make you a great partner for someone and I'm sure you have loads.

    Please don't contact this woman again, she's toxic. Use the next few weeks to work on your self esteem, there are lots of online resources you can use and when things get back to normal again, look into finding groups where you can meet people socially and build up relationships with people who like you as you are with no ulterior motives behind it. And please start focusing on your positives and see yourself as worthy of love.


  • #19
    s1ippy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    Oh run very fast and far away, don't look back. You've had a poison chalice knocked from your lips.


  • #20
    Yellow pack crisps
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 564 ✭✭✭Yellow pack crisps


    You’re not in love with her, you’re lonely, feeling lost and have low self esteem. Things which you can help yourself over come. She on the other hand was just using you. Your disability does not have to define you, it can however challenge you to become the person you want to be. Attraction is mostly mental, we may at first glance at somebody’s physical attraction but we fall in love with someones mental attraction. Your limp won’t hold you back, you will so that yourself.


  • #21
    fran38
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 672 ✭✭✭fran38


    Thank you all for your considered comments. I have much to dwell and ponder on. Mods, this thread can be closed now. I get the gist of what everyone is saying. Stay safe everyone.


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  • #22
    Hannibal_Smith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators, Paid Member Posts: 7,694 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Closed as per OPs request.

    Thanks to all who took time to offer help and advice.

    Best of luck OP

    HS


This discussion has been closed.
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